Another Friday!!! (Reloaded!)

I'm totally celebrating this Labor Day by actually working! (That's a lie).

Instead I present you this brilliance:



The Japanese are light years ahead of us in children's programming.

I have links for reviews of Extract, Taking Woodstock and 9.

Ooooh, and I'll definitely have one up for Gamer after I see it. I'm a little angry at myself for not checking out a midnight show of it, actually. What was I thinking?!?

My brain is still more than a little fried from the ridiculous cross-country journey I managed to take this past week, so I'm ending this now. Have a great weekend!

Here's a monster Alan Arkin killing bunnies.

Box Office Report: From the road!

Dude here again. I am on a cross country journey, recovering from the mother of all bachelor parties, but that's not enough to stop me from reporting the numbers. But keep in mind I have 2500 miles of road between where I am and where I need to be.

And where my clean slacks are.

This weekend, the horror match up of all time has descended upon us, and only one clear winner remains! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. The Final Destination (NL)- $28.3, 3121 screens, week 1, $28.3 total

2. Inglorious Basterds (Wein)- $20.0, 3165 screens, week 2, $73.7 total

3. Halloween 2 (Dim) - $17.4, 3025 screens, week 1, $17.4 total

4. District 9 (TriS) - $10.7, 3180 screens, week 3, $90.8 total

5. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Par) - $8.0, 3467 screens, week 4, $132.4 total

6. Julie & Julia (Sony) - $7.4, 2503 screens, week 4, $70.9 total

7. The Time Traveler's Wife (NL)- $6.7, 2961 screens, week 3, $48.1 total

8. Shorts (WB)- $4.8, 3105 screens, week 2, $13.5 total

9. Taking Woodstock (Focus) - $3.7, 1393 screens, week 1, $3.7 total

10. G-Force (BV) $2.8, 1926 screens, week 6, $111.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that when it comes to a horror showdown, it helps if your movie is in 3-D. The Final Destination, taking a cue from Fast and Furious and dropping numbers, captured the imaginations and $28 million versus the sequel to the remake of Halloween had to settle for third.

The Basterds held on reasonably well, and District 9 continues to kick the collective ass of the world.

Taking Woodstock, Ang Lee's nostalgic trip through the age of hippies filtered through the eyes of corporate multinational conglomerate culture, took in a relatively weak $3.7 million. Far cry from the opening of Hulk.

Below the radar, Big Fan starring Patton Oswalt took in $26,000 on 2 screens. Very impressive. There's also a documentary called The September Issue, which is about the woman who puts together Vogue, took in $240,000 on 6 screens, which is the highest per screen average of the weekend.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, a movie from guys that made Crank, and one from the maker of Office Space! And hopefully I will have successfully crossed the country, and made back to the land of palm trees and movie stars.

Until next weekend.......

Inglorious Box Office Report

Dude here again. I bring you the weekend numbers. Alongside, I offer commentary that's both insightful AND witty. I wouldn't go so far as to say what I write is brilliance, as it's not saving lives or changing the course of humanity. It's not ending wars, feeding the hungry, curing the ill, restoring economies, or anything like that.

But I would say it's just shy of pretty damn brilliant.

This weekend, Tarantino and Brad Pitt sell an art movie to a huge opening! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Inglorious Basterds (Wein)- $37.6, 3165 screens, week 1, $37.6 total

2. District 9 (TriS) - $18.9, 3050 screens, week 2, $73.4 total

3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Par) - $12.5, 3953 screens, week 3, $120.5 total

4. The Time Traveler's Wife (NL)- $10.0, 2988 screens, week 2, $37.4 total

5. Julie & Julia (Sony) - $9.0, 2463 screens, week 3, $59.2 total

6. Shorts (WB)- $6.6, 3105 screens, week 1, $6.6 total

7. G-Force (BV) $4.2, 2561 screens, week 5, $107.3 total

8. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (WB) - $3.5, 1936 screens, week 6, $290.2 total

9. The Ugly Truth (Sony) - $2.8, 1971 screens, week 5, $82.8 total

10. Post Grad (Fox)- $2.8, 1959 screens, week 1, $2.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that the moviegoing public wanted to see Brad Pitt seek some Nazi-scalpin' justice (even though that's only about a 3rd of the movie). Holding steady after an impressive Friday debut, the latest film from Quentin Tarantino made a nice enough amount to keep the Weinstein Company in business for a few more months.

Tarantino's Grindhouse compatriot Robert Rodriguez released his latest handmade movie for kids, Shorts. Alas, Shorts didn't fare as well as his long time friend's film. At least we'll get Machete!

Post Grad made a mistake by opening late summer, when people are returning to school. this is a movie that should be released as students are graduating. Then, you also have to market it as a horror movie for students who are about to enter thereal world, and discover how frightening the world is these days. Just my two cents, if Hollywood wants to pay me for ideas, I'm always willing to listen.

Below the radar, something known as X Games 3D The Movie opened up. It made $800,000. This news saddens me.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, an epic showdown, as the sequel to the remake of a long running horror franchise takes on a last ditch 3-D effort to spice a more recent franchise.

Until next weekend.......

It's fuckin Friday!

It's fuckin Friday and I am FUCKIN PUMPED!!!!

It's my roommate Dan's birthday today and that can mean only one thing: WE'RE GOIN' TO FUCKIN' RED LOBSTER BITCHES!!!


I got him something for his birthday. Here's a hint:



That's right! I got him Kim Cattrall!!!

(Just kidding, I got him all teh seasons of Sex and the City on Blu Ray, but it's just like the same thing)!

Here's something to watch real fuckin loud at work, and/or with impressionable children around!!!



There's a weekend full of movies to see!!! Go see Inglorious Basterds! Or District 9! Or Cold Souls! Or (500) Days of Summer!(Review forthcoming). All good movies that you can check out at your local cinemas! (Mostly)!

And a hearty congratulations to friend of the blog Brady (or as the British girls like to call him "I'm Brady"). I received a mysterious text from him earlier today that simply read "I just got hitched". Fuckin a, dude! Way to go!

NERDY CUPCAKES!!!!


Sorry, those cheddar bay biscuits are like CRACK ROCK!!!!!!

If It's Good Enough For R2D2...

Topless Robot has a whole bunch more amazing and disturbing PSAs. Check them out!

This one was also on there, but it's too disturbing not to pass up.

In the excitement of other upcoming movies...

I've forgotten about The Expendables, which is due to make sweet love to our eyeballs next year.

It's got this amazing cast. Stallone. Jet Li. Statham. DOLPH FREAKIN' LUNDGREN!! Trejo's in it. so is Stone cold Steve Austin. I think Eric Roberts is in it!!! And now I'm hearing Bruce Willis is gonna have a cameo!

/Film has a video showing just a little bit of footage, but I think as soon as you see this picture, you know what the Academy Award for Best Picture will be in 2010.



If this movie wanted to kick even MORE ass, it would hire all the villains from the old 80s movies, like the guy from Renegade and the lead psycho in Cobra, and Patrick Kilpatrick. Real awesome villains.

Where District 9 sprung from

Box Office Report: Redemption

Dude here again. I'm enjoying these lazy days of August. Hanging around, rollin' in my 6-4. Sipping on gin and juice.

With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

This weekend, a movie truly worthy of making the amount of money it did finally takes the top spot! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. District 9 (TriS) - $37.0, 3049 screens, week 1, $37.0 total

2. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Par) - $22.5, 4007 screens, week 2, $98.7 total

3. The Time Traveler's Wife (NL)- $19.2, 2988 screens, week 1, $19.2 total

4. Julie & Julia (Sony) - $12.4, 2354 screens, week 2, $43.6 total

5. G-Force (BV) $6.9, 3065 screens, week 4, $99.0 total

6. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (ParV)- $5.3, 1838 screens, week 1, $5.3 total

7. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (WB) - $5.1, 2771 screens, week 5, $283.8 total

8. The Ugly Truth (Sony) - $4.5, 2733 screens, week 4, $77.5 total

9. Ponyo (BV)- $3.5, 927 screens, week 1, $3.5 total

10. (500) Days of Summer (FoxS)- $3.0, 1048 screens, week 5, $17.9 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means District 9 delivered the goods, and the masses believed! This almost makes up for Transformers making almost $400 million dollars! Backed by supremely positive word of mouth and a killer marketing campaign, District 9 recouped its budget in one weekend and entertained many in spite of its R-rating and no known actors. Good stories, that's all it takes, people. (Aliens and Mech-fighting helps, too). Hopefully this will continue to rock faces off through the rest of the summer.

Eric Bana continues his summer of being everywhere with The Time Traveler's Wife, bringing it in for a nice amount. The more serious, adult/date crowd probably opted for that over aliens and GI Joes. (Unless your significant other is really cool and wanted to see D-9). Still, a nice opening and it is sure to grow "legs" (as they say in the "biz") as the long August days stretch out into September.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard. I really want to add "Die Hard" after that, or just say "The Not-So-Goods", but I feel many others will do that, and I'm better than that.

Ponyo came out?!?! That's the new Miyazaki movie!!!! Why do they never promote his movies when they release them??!?! Anyway, it opened to a small amount, but that's still pretty good for Miyazaki.

Just below the top ten is Bandslam, which opened up on 2121 screens, and took in $2.2 million, I'm guessing a significant portion of which came from those wanting to see the new Twilight trailer that's attached to the movie. BANDSLAMMED!

Below the radar, Ashton Kutcher sadly tried to get his over 3 million Twitter followers (Nit-twits?) to see his movie Spread, which opened up on 91 screens. They didn't really respond, as the film took in $117,000. Dude, where is my car, indeed. Also opening up is It Might Get Loud, where Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White jam on guitars for 2 hours. On 7 screens, it took in $101,000.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, the Basterds come.

Until next weekend.......

DISTRICT 9 WILL MELT YOUR FACE OFF!

That is to say, I really rather enjoyed it. And I think you will, too. Especially if you like movies.

I'm a Basterd!

And I went and saw Inglorious Basterds, and now I get bragging rights for 2 weeks that I got to see it! Feel free to read my incredibly enthusiastic review.

And why not check out my rather UN-enthusiastic review of Grace, a dead baby comes back from the dead movie that's not very good at all. And it's all because of one man: Kuato.

Box Office Report: Knowing is Half the Battle

Dude here again. Another weekend, another large amount of money headed to the studios so they can continue to put out more movies based on toys. This just ensures that next summer, we're going to have Megan Fox in a kick ass version of Strawberry Shortcake! Directed by Michael Bay, Odin willing!

Who am I kidding, they'll get McG.

This weekend, more toys blow stuff up and rob a lot of hard working people of their money! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Par) - $56.2, 4007 screens, week 1, $56.2 total

2. Julie & Julia (Sony) - $20.1, 2354 screens, week 1, $20.1 total

3. G-Force (BV) $9.8, 3482 screens, week 3, $86.1 total

4. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (WB) - $8.8, 3455 screens, week 4, $273.8 total

5. Funny People (Uni) - $7.8, 3008 screens, week 2, $40.4 total

6. The Ugly Truth (Sony) - $7.0, 2975 screens, week 3, $69.0 total

7. A Perfect Getaway (Uni)- $5.7, 2159 screens, week 1, $5.7 total

8. Aliens in the Attic (Fox)- $4.0, 3108 screens, week 2, $16.2 total

9. Orphan (WB)- $3.73, 2270 screens, week 3, $34.8 total

10. (500) Days of Summer (FoxS)- $3.72, 817 screens, week 4, $12.3 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that G.I. Joe defied all expectations and actually took in a boatload of money. Not screening the film for critics may have helped, as Paramount had planned, but the audiences didn't seem to unanimously hate this movie and feel it was an obligation to see it (like the robot one). But I have a feeling we'll have to wait for next weekend's numbers to see if we get a sequel in 2 years.

Julie & Julia opened up in a nice bit of counter programming, and took in $20 million. Impressive and profitable for those that made it, but I'm waiting for the sequel to this one, Julie & Julia 2: Julie & Julia-er! It involves Julia Child coming back from the dead and chastising Julie for screwing up her recipes. (Mostly I just want to see Meryl Streep do wire-fu and kick some arse).

A Perfect Getaway provided a wonderful escape for those who wanted to getaway to empty theaters. I'll catch it on video in 3 months like the rest of you.

(500) Days of Summer, the annoyingly type-set indie romance finally cracked the top ten, and thus top ten stalwart of the past 9 weeks The Hangover has gone. A moment of reflection, if you don't mind.

Below the radar, the other hipster-indie-cred movie you have to see to join their ranks, Paper Heart, opened up on 38 screens, and took in $206,000. Impressive, but the joes still had a higher per screen average, which is disturbing. Also opening this weekend is Cold Souls, about Paul Giamatti's soul, which opened up on 7 screens and took in $63,000. Lots of interesting counter programming under the radar this summer, and it's provided some great flicks worthy of checking out.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, District 9 comes to melt our collective faces off.

Until next weekend.......

Kicking Ass on a Saturday Afternoon

With Ong Bak 2, due this October!



And Raging Phoenix, which looks like a live action Tekken, but BETTER!



Put that in your pipe and kick its ass.

Weekend Wrap up!

Lost of fun things for you. First, there's this:


Thanks to Brady for that one.

Next, my friend Tamara really wants to be on that show Mad Men, so she sent me this link. Do her a solid and vote for her, you can vote until the 12th.

I have a new review of Cold Souls for you to check out. And there's a GI Joe one up too. And I will have a Grace review up by the end of the day.

I kindly thank you for helping to "Share the load"

New Zombieland Red Band Trailer

It's settled. Of the movies coming out later this year, I want to see this more than Ninja Assassin, The Road, The Book of Eli, and Avatar. All look awesome, though.



Gotta love any Van Halen in a movie trailer. And knowing that it's in the movie (at least they make me think it is) pushes this up to the top of the list.

UPDATE: It's a little smooshed, I apologize. But it still works. Just enter your birthday (or any arbitrary date from before 18 years ago) into the obscenely tiny boxes and enjoy.

Now I really wanna see GI Joe!

The "REAL" funny people

Open Mic Night at Jabba's Chuckle Hut is a real bitch.

Star Wars Stand Up Comic - watch more funny videos

Ten Sequels. (Well, 14, actually)

Wrote another piece for Moviesonline about ten sequels we need. Later this week I'll have one about movies that SHOULD be remade/reimagined/rebooted. Naturally, I'll link to that as well. I ask you to kindly check it out. Thanks!

Took a small break there.

Took a nice journey to San Francisco. It was glorious, and I completely understand why everyone raves about the place. It was nice to get away for a few days. And to see some actual weather. (I actually wore slacks again! First time since Funemployment began when I didn't wear shorts!)


PLUS I got to see those things outside the city that George Lucas saw and immediately thought "I need to make those into walking tanks" and thus birthed the AT-AT!

Good times.

I have a Funny People review, and a Thirst review, if you wanna check them out.


I'm wondering if I can put forth a reader feedback moment, from my dozen of loyal followers out there. Specifically regarding those Twilight and Harry Potter pieces. Were they good? Did you like them? And do you have any suggestions for future articles like those? Please feel free to leave comments in the section below, or because most of you know me anyway, shoot me an email if you have any ideas. I'm always willing to take them and profit from them as much as I can.

Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday to R. Bill Mountain, who will always be the Peace to my One Man Army's War.


Don't forget to check out THE STORM this evening. I cut a few of the scenes in tonight's installment. Pay close attention to the orange picking sequence. I cut that with fervor! (And temp scored it to Riddick, which is badass!) And why not check out the NY Times review? It's quite intellectually stimulating, as anything printed in the NY Times naturally is.

(Run Dawson Run!)

Box Office Report: Funny Edition

Dude here again. I took last week off, but this week I'm back with an even BETTER box office report! In all actuality, I had written a box office report, but it was just a piece that was marvelling over the sheer awesomeness of Orphan. And I may have given away the twist ending. Which is that it was al a dream, and the little girl was Keyser Soze.

And Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. (Spoiler)

This weekend, some funny people try to wrangle the top spot from talking rodents. And a whole slew of other movies opens up below the radar. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Funny People (Uni) - $23.4, 3008 screens, week 1, $23.4 total

2. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (WB) - $17.7, 4393 screens, week 3, $255.4 total

3. G-Force (BV) $17.0, 3697 screens, week 2, $66.4 total

4. The Ugly Truth (Sony) - $13.0, 2882 screens, week 2, $54.4 total

5. Aliens in the Attic (Fox)- $7.8, 3106 screens, week 1, $7.8 total

6. Orphan (WB)- $7.2, 2750 screens, week 2, $26.7 total

7. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $5.3, 2757 screens, week 5, $181.8 total

8. The Hangover (WB)- $5.0, 2071 screens, week 9, $255.7 total

9. The Proposal (BV) - $4.8, 2453 screens, week 7, $148.8 total

10. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $4.6, 2626 screens, week 6, $388.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Funny People may have a reason to cry. (I am so ashamed of having written that). While taking the top spot, and much critical acclaim, funny People performed significantly less than the previous Apatow outings. Which is understandable, as Funny People is 2 and a half hours long and more dramatic (while still being hilarious) than typical Apatow/Sandler/Rogen fare. Not a good summer for Universal, whose films (Land of the Lost, Drag Me To Hell, Public Enemies, Bruno) have been underperforming all summer, regardless of quality.

Aliens in the Attic! Audiences in the Other Theaters!

I'm sort of amazed that The Hangover and The Proposal are still on this list. And I'm happy they made more money than the Transforming robots. Someday, I promise, I'l let go of my grudge on that movie. And that day will be when Megan Fox hand delivers me my refund in a leopard print bikini and an actual transforming Dodge Challenger that doesn't speak in jive.

Below the radar, The Collector opened up just behind the transforming robots, taking in $3.6 million. Adam opened on 4 screens and took in $66,300, a surf documentary called The Cove also opened on 4 screens and took in $55,500, while Thirst, Park Chan-wook's vampire film took in $55,200. And (500) Days of Summer continues it's perch at number 12, but it continually expands screens and grosses, making it one of the sleeper hits of the summer that you'll eventually wind up seeing, and some hipster d-bag will say "I saw it months ago".

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, another loud movie based on toys from my childhood! But don't forget to catch the exciting conclusion of The Storm this evening, on NBC! (Check your local listings). It's like the idiot love child of Crash and The Day After Tomorrow when they had sloppy drunken sex with a broken condom called Hard Rain!

Until next weekend.......

Have you ever wondered what I might think about TWILIGHT?

I think it might be a little bit something like this...

THE STORM is coming!!!

For those of you who know me, and wonder where I disappeared to for four months and why I left creepy non-sequiter voice mail messages, the answer will become apparent THIS SUNDAY on NBC! (At 9PM EST/PST)! And continued the following Sunday Aug 2nd at the same time! (Set your DVRs)!

It's THE STORM! Starring James "Enough with the Dawson already"Van Der Beek, Luke "I was in 5th Element" Perry, and Treat "I'm Awesome in everything, including this. Seriously" Williams!!!

Witness the fury of assassins attempting to hunt down reporters who might leak secrets of secret governmental controlled weather! Behold the amazing wrath of nature as it rains a hell of a lot and causes wind to pick up shit and throw it when the plot requires it to! Marvel over how quickly it takes to receive an order of wings in a bar! Yes indeed, it is.... THE STORM



All hail the television mini series event so face-meltingly fucking awesome it put me on unemployment!



FUN FACT: For those who want, I will be able to provide a commentary track for their viewing pleasure. For a nominal fee, I will do aforementioned commentary using the voice of Matthew McConaughey!

Random Wednesday Nonsense.

Also, this is the greatest headline I've read in awhile.

5 Things Harry Potter needs

I wrote an article for Moviesonline about Five things the next Harry Potter movie needs. Give it a read, won't you? And if you find it funny enough, give it a Digg! Help a brother out!

Also up on the site soon should be a review of Watchmen Director's Cut. Yes, it comes out on DVD (and BluRay!) tomorrow, but they released it into theaters for the past weekend, and because I'm a nerd, I had no choice but to see it. I don't have the link to the review yet, but it should up soon, provided there aren't 1800 more reader-submitted Harry Potter reviews.

UPDATE: HERE IT IS!

But let me tell you something, there's nothing worse than 3 and a half hours of ripe nerd sweat in a small theater.

I'm not really sure what to say about this...

...but it makes me proud to be an American!



I think I'm going to buy ALL my furniture from there. I don't care if I love on theother side of the country.

Box Office Report: Magical Edition!

Dude here again. Did you hear something about a Barry Potter movie opening up? I'm willing to bet it made some money. The kids, they love that Barry and his misadventures. Like the one with the chamber of secrets, where it was revealed his mother was actually a man.

Maybe that was just a dream I had once.

This weekend, Harry Potter inched one step closer to the finite franchise that they managed to stretch out one more beyond the actual books. Pretty impressive, actually. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (WB) - $79.4, 4325 screens, week 1, $159.6 total (wed open)

2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $17.7, 3817 screens, week 3, $152.0 total

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $13.7, 3857 screens, week 4, $363.8 total

4. Bruno (Uni)- $8.3, 2759 screens, week 2, $49.5 total

5. The Hangover (WB)- $8.3, 2667 screens, week 7, $235.8 total

6. The Proposal (BV) - $8.2, 3043 screens, week 5, $128.0 total

7. Public Enemies (Uni) $7.5, 3118 screens, week 3, $79.4 total

8. Up (BV) - $3.1, 1706 screens, week 8, $279.5 total

9. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $2.8, 1967 screens, week 4, $41.5 total

10. I Love You Beth Cooper (Fox) - $2.6, 1872 screens, week 2, $10.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Harry Potter started off strong, with the highest midnight show count on Wednesday (or some ridiculous record), and then slowly calmed down. No other records are broken. Still, it made an obscene amount of money in five days, and it looks on track with the other Harry Potter movies.

Bruno dropped an astonishing 70% from last week's take. I wonder if it's because of that Irish movie theater owner, who proclaimed on his outgoing message that the film was "vile" (Google it if you don't believe me. It's out there on the interwebz).

Nothing else was released wide this week, in fear of the Potter-naut. Most of the movies seem to be slowing down, like the Transforming robots. And the icy hot one.

Below the radar, (500) Days of Summer opened up on 27 screens and took in $838,000. Very impressive for a limited release. It took in the highest per screen average, even more than the movie that had magic. So there you go.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, a group of animated hamsters come at you... in 3-D!!! Plus that movie Orphan, which has an amazing plot twist you will never see coming, that I wouldn't dare spoil. Unless you ask me. And give me money. Or food. Preferably both.

Until next weekend.......

Harry Potter Review! (and others)

I saw Harry Potter at the midnight show, because I have no job and quite frankly, I can.

I wrote up my review of it here.

Also caught Blood: The Last Vampire. And The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 remake.

There have been some flicks I've caught on cable and Netflix, too, being that I have the time. I'll give you a quick rundown:

Zombie Strippers: A movie with a great title, and half decent execution. Still, for a movie with that great title, I expected pure insanity, but I doubt they'd let me make my version of what a Zombie Stripper movie is supposed to be. Fun Fact: two of the titular stripper zombies were in the last 2 movies I worked. on. One's in Porky's The College Years (aka Pimping Pee Wee), and the other is in THE STORM! (Sunday July 26th and Aug 2nd on NBC!)

Eagle Eye: I gave this movie so much shit, because I saw the preview before EVERYTHING last year, and it was starting to piss me off. Plus, Dan (he of Danspeak) told me the "twist" of the movie, and outright declared I would hate it. Lo and behold, I actually sort of dug it. Granted, it was more in the background than anything else, but I'll be damned if I wasn't entertained by the flick. The very end kinda sucks, but other than that, perfectly serviceable movie to watch this month when HBO overplays it.

Push: You may have seen the ads for this. It makes the movie look like Jumper 2. And it sort of is Jumper 2. But it's a lot better than Jumper, vastly more entertaining, and while still stupid, nowhere near as stupid as Jumper. It features groups of people will special skills, kind of like if a whole group of X-men had the same powers as Wolverine, while another group had the same powers as Cyclops, etc. It's fun and it's shot interestingly enough to be mildly amusing.

Alright, that's what I got. I'll have a post on Moviesonline tomorrow (Maybe later today if I'm not feeling too lazy) about the 5 things the next Harry Potter movie needs.

Links to new reviews

I told you I was gonna do this, so here are the links.

THE HURT LOCKER

DEAD SNOW

TRANSFORMERS 2: STUPID PIECE OF SHIT WASTE OF MY TIME

MOON

Full disclosure: The Moon and Transformers are just cut and paste, and a little reformatting, of what I previously wrote on this page.

Box Office Report: Niiiiiiice!

(NOTE: Even though this appears at MOVIESONLINE.CA, I will continue putting it here. For Now.)

Dude here again. Alright, so I was wrong about last week's numbers, and Transformers was #1. Whatever, it's passed. Now, it's another weekend. Another weekend full of happy numbers. Happy numbers you love, filled with nougat and seven essential vitamins and minerals.

All part of one's balanced breakfast.

This weekend, Borat 2 was unleashed upon the masses. And something else, too. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Bruno (Uni)- $30.4, 2756 screens, week 1, $30.4 total

2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $28.5, 4102 screens, week 2, $120.5 total

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $24.2, 4293 screens, week 3, $339.2 total

4. Public Enemies (Uni) $14.1, 3336 screens, week 2, $66.5 total

5. The Proposal (BV) - $10.5, 3158 screens, week 4, $113.7 total

6. The Hangover (WB)- $9.9, 3002 screens, week 6, $222.4 total

7. I Love You Beth Cooper (Fox) - $5.0, 1858 screens, week 1, $5.0 total

8. Up (BV) - $4.6, 2201 screens, week 7, $273.7 total

9. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $4.1, 2444 screens, week 3, $35.8 total

10. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $1.6, 1116 screens, week 5, $61.4 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that I'm going to have to hear everyone around the workplace (by which I mean bar) do annoying Bruno impressions until at least Halloween. Son of a bitch! Anyway, it did better than Borat's opening weekend, but it also opened on 3 times as many screens. On top of which, allegedly the film did REALLY well on Friday, then dropped off sharply on Saturday. These are what the numbers tell us.

I Love You Beth Cooper also opened up. I guess most audiences don't even like her as a friend. (That joke needs work that I'm too lazy (drunk) to work on. On the plus side, it's nice to see Chris Columbus truly stretching out from those money making Harry Potter movies.

You know what? That was mean. I feel remorse for having said that. But again, too lazy (drunk) to delete it.

Ice Age and Transformers continue to garner what they can before the next wave of blockbusters wash these out to tide. Same with Public Enemies, which should enjoy a few more weeks, but probably won't break records.

Below the radar, Blood: The Last Vampire, a movie where it looks like a Japanese school girl does all sorts of crazy kung-fu shit with a sword, opened up on 20 screens and took in $103,000. And something called Humpday, which requires attention because it's called Humpday, opened on 2 screens and took in $29,000. One more time for fun: Humpday.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Harry Potter begins it's slow crawl towards the end of the filmed journeys.

Until next weekend.......

101 robots... and a few changes

There are at least 101 robot shirts in existence. And you can find them here . Sadly, I have 2 awesome robot shirts that haven't been created yet. But since I have the time, it might be time to learn photoshop and t-shirt design.


Also, I want to point out a few changes I shall be making to the blog here. Nothing too huge, but I've agreed to start writing for Moviesonline again, this time for more exposure and infamy. Sadly, this means lots of news about Twilight.

(So dreamy!)

No, I'm only kidding. But seriously, I will be posting my reviews over there from now on, along with fun and exciting lists and hilarious commentary on movies and editorials. I will provide links to the reviews and other content here on ye olde blog, but fact of the matter is, the more views Moviesonline gets, the more pennies roll into my coffers. Being that I have no source of income at the moment, every little bit helps.

So later on, I'll have a review of Hurt Locker to post on the site, and I shall include the link. Please help a brother out and read it, and future reviews and article postings I shall write for them, in my quest to be an actual writer, and not some bum who writes on the side when he's not assistant editing crappy TV miniseries that star the Dawson.

Box Office Report: 501

Dude here again. I'm feeling a lot better about these numbers I'm reporting. Not for any reason regarding the content of the films. But because I've been having the most wonderful vacation. And I'm not gonna let something like almost $300 million in tickets get me down.

That's probably the Pina Coladas talking.

This weekend, what's this?!?! A TIE?!?!?!? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $42.5, 4099 screens, week 1, $67.5 total (wed open)

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $42.5, 4234 screens, week 2, $293.4 total

3. Public Enemies (Uni) $26.1, 3334 screens, week 1, $41.0 total (wed open)

4. The Proposal (BV) - $12.7, 3099 screens, week 3, $94.2 total

5. The Hangover (WB)- $10.4, 3070 screens, week 5, $204.1 total

6. Up (BV) - $6.5, 2656 screens, week 6, $264.8 total

7. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $5.2, 2606 screens, week 2, $25.9 total

8. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $2.5, 1908 screens, week 4, $58.4 total

9. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $2.1, 1419 screens, week 7, $167.7 total

10. Year One (Sony) - $2.1, 2240 screens, week 3, $38.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that the Transformers folks didn't want to lose face and predicted something that the Ice Age people also predicted. Neither will back down until official numbers are reported on Monday. That means I'm gonna have another pina colada.

But I'm not going to report back with final numbers. My guess is that Transformers will have predicted more than actually made, and Ice Age will be declared champion of the world! But sometimes I've been known to be wrong. Rare times, but it does happen.

And Public Enemies had a nice showing. That's star power for you. Have that Pirate captain and Batman star in a gangster movie in the middle of summer, against animated dinosaurs and robots, and still pull that off. Star Power I says!

(Those last few sentences are best read if you hear an old Hollywood agent stereotype say them aloud. Imagine that, won't you?)

Oh, and there's another tie at the bottom of the list, too. But nobody's really clamoring for dibs on ninth these days, are they? Aw, bummer. Star Trek's out of the top ten. Son of a....

Below the radar, there are a lot of good movies out that are worth time and money to check them out. More so than nonsense movies about loud noises and bright flashing colors with no cohesive sense of story. In it's second week The Hurt Locker added 5 more screens and took in $126,000. Away We Go, is still expanding, and took in another $1.1 million. And Moon, a fantastic movie starring Sam Rockwell (and a robot!) expanded to 26 more screens in its' fourth week, and took in $300,000.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Borat 2: Austrian Boogaloo. And something else, too.

Until next weekend.......

500 Posts!

Well, I managed it. After roughly over 3 years, I have made it to 500 posts. Granted, that's a pretty weak output, and if it weren't for weekly box office reports, it would be significantly less. But still, I've kept at it thus far, and thank all of you loyal readers for sticking with it, and hopefully letting it guide you in the ways of good movie choices.

I contemplated what I was going to do for this landmark occasion. A review of my all time favorite movie? Something new, perhaps, like a review of The Hurt Locker? (Which fucking rocks!) Perhaps I would beat down and choke a dead horses' throat, and rail against that piece of shit transforming robot movie. Maybe I finally finished that long awaited Dolph Lundgren Film Festival write up!

Or cleverly return to an old favorite, like a Danspeak*? Or go into a nice diatribe about unemployment is really FUNemployment, despite the horrible sunburn I feel on my chest right now! Or any other flight of fancy that's strikes my curious, vacation-filled mind.

Then, I witnessed this video and knew what I had to do. Watch and enjoy. Preferably not around children or people with the capacity to fire you.

Enjoy! Thanks for coming by, and I hope you continue to do so, as I have the time to write whatever strikes my fancy now!



*I did sneak in a new Danspeak, by the way. He coined that "Choking a dead horse" amalgam. Actually, I'm not even sure I got it correct.

This sums it up.

Watch this, and read this, and you will seriously understand everything you want (or don't want) to know about the ocular rape that took in $200 million in five days.

Box Office Report: Fuck.

Dude here again. Once again, I am depressed about the box office numbers. Seriously depressed. These numbers mean a lot. Quite possibly the end of civilization as we know it.

I'm not even kidding.

This weekend, Giant crappy robots fighting attempted to shatter records, and came close, but not quite. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $112.0, 4234 screens, week 1, $201.2 total (wed open)

2. The Proposal (BV) - $18.4, 3058 screens, week 2, $69.0 total

3. The Hangover (WB)- $17.2, 3525 screens, week 4, $183.2 total

4. Up (BV) - $13.0, 3487 screens, week 5, $250.2 total

5. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $12.0, 2606 screens, week 1, $12.0 total

6. Year One (Sony) - $5.8, 3024 screens, week 2, $32.2 total

7. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $5.4, 2995 screens, week 3, $53.4 total

8. Star Trek (Par) $3.6, 1823 screens, week 8, $246.2 total

9. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $3.6, 2250 screens, week 6, $163.2 total

10. Away We Go (Focus)- $1.6, 495 screens, week 4, $4.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that we the people elected to spend $200 million on an incoherent piece of nonsense trash. In 5 days. This just means that they will make more movies like this, not paying attention as to whether or not movies actually make, you know, sense! No, instead we get noise and bright flashing lights, and we call that filmmaking. Way to go. Thanks a lot.

On top of that, despite making as much money as it did, it still didn't beat any of the records set by the Dark Knight last year. It came a close second, but as everybody knows, second place is really just the first loser.

My Sister's Keeper, the smart counter-programming tactic about a child with cancer (far from transforming robots as you can get), made approximately 16 times less than what the Transformers made.

Below the radar, The Hurt Locker opened up on 4 screens and took in $144,000. What makes this remarkable is that it takes away Transformers' right to claim highest screen average of the weekend. Ha ha! Schadenfreude rules!

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, we see what happens if the robots continue their onslaught, or if they're just a flash in the pan. I hope, for the souls of all those on the planet, that we realize our mistake, and move on.

Until next weekend.......

Holy shit, is the transforming robots movie terrible.

Yeah, that seriously sums up the last two and a half hours of my life. To paraphrase the movie Billy Madison, I, and everybody in the auditorium, are dumber having seen it.

I'll let my friend Larry speak for the film, as I'm still trying to keep track of what I just saw. Because I'm having a real difficult time comprehending things right now. I actually wrote down a note during the film that reads "Why do the robots have teeth?". So let's Larry speak:

"Transformers has so much blarcy* I got confused and bored and amazed and mildly retarded. I am not the same after. It's really hopped up. I wouldn't miss it just for the conversation it will stir up, but I am not calling it good, or even watchable at times. A film unto itself."


That sums it up perfectly. It's like watching somebody on a coke binge film a script that's written by an 8 year old playing with the toys. But then, the coke binge guy gets bored and starts playing with the toys by himself. And when he does that, we get racist robots.

Fun fact: You want to know why everybody who reviews the movie brings up the racist robots? It's because those are the only things in the entire fucking movie that you can clearly see. And even that's stretching it. I seriously had absolutely no idea that Megatron was in this movie. It's just noise and metal.

And Shia Lebouf... When the fuck did he break his hand? Not in real life, we all know that. I mean in the movie. Suddenly he's wearing a cast on his arm. And we're also in Egypt. And John Turturro shows his ass. But this Shia guy is really annoying.


(I'm too tired to look for SHIA, so here's SHEA)

Oh, but Megan Fox is hot in the movie. But she really just has to stare vacantly at things.


But do you know what the most amazing part of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is? The crowd I saw it with ATE THAT SHIT UP! Dear lord, this was bad. You almost have to see it. I feel bad contributing to the obscene box office numbers, but the proof is on the screen. And that proof is unbelievable.

I honestly didn't think there could be a worse movie than Terminator Salvation. This is an entirely different breed of awful, an adrenaline-fueled eye fuck that's done violating you before you know what's happened.

*Blarcy is the drug obtained by injecting heroin into your heart, then extracting the endorphins from your head. It's powerful, rare, and illegal. It's also from the movie I Come In Peace, which Larry and I saw a few weeks ago, and which made us laugh heartily at the introduction of Blarcy.

Witness the horror

I can't recall if I mentioned this to anybody, or showed it to anyone outside of my desk radius. But it's creepy as shit.

Totally Saw Transformers!

And now I want to share it with all of you!



Wow! I mean, it's a robot, but it's a planet that EATS robots!!!!

As for that crappy new Transforming robot movie, I haven't seen it yet. But the premiere of it delayed the arrival of my sandwich for lunch yesterday. Stupid Michael Bay. That was a "Kareem Abdul Jabeef", and it rocked, and you had to go and ruin it.

Box Office Report: All Bullock, all the time!

Dude here again. It's Father's Day. I called my father. Had a nice conversation with him. I tried to convince him to see Star Trek. He called me Mark, then apologized for calling me my brother's name.

I don't have a brother.

This weekend, The Hangover gets knocked down a peg, as two more funny (or "haha") movies come out. Who is the victor? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. The Proposal (BV) - $34.1, 3056 screens, week 1, $34.1 total

2. The Hangover (WB)- $26.8, 3545 screens, week 3, $152.9 total

3. Up (BV) - $21.3, 3832 screens, week 4, $224.1 total

4. Year One (Sony) - $20.2, 3022 screens, week 1, $20.2 total

5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $11.3, 3077 screens, week 2, $43.3 total

6. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $7.3, 2962 screens, week 5, $155.9 total

7. Star Trek (Par) $4.7, 2307 screens, week 7, $239.4 total

8. Land Of The Lost (Uni) - $3.9, 2945 screens, week 3, $43.6 total

9. Imagine That (Par)- $3.1, 3011 screens, week 2, $11.3 total

10. Terminator Salvation (WB)- $3.0, 1920 screens, week 5, $119.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means Sandra Bullock can still open a movie in addition to looking mighty fine. Seems the masses wanted a tender romance that didn't involve abandoned babies, stolen tigers and missing teeth. Sometimes I don't even recognize the world I live in.

Year One received some scathing reviews, but still managed a decent enough opening for a Jack Black movie. And now that Land of the Lost has become the punching bag of the summer as far as disappointing big budget comedies of the summer go, Year One can enjoy a pleasant run. (The less said about Imagine That, the better).

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 dropped significantly. Hangover and Up continue to do well, far better than Terminator or the Angels and the Demons.

Below the radar, the latest from Woody Allen, Whatever Works, opened up on 9 screens, and took in $281,000. It had the highest per screen average of the weekend. How does that make you feel? There was also a movie called Dead Snow, which is about Nazi zombies, and it opened up on one screen and took in $6,000. Impressive, as the film is also available on video on demand release platforms as well.

Just in case you didn't catch that before, it's about NAZI ZOMBIES!

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, the second crappy robot fighting movie opens up.

Until next weekend.......

See Moon!

It's slowly rolling out in theaters this summer, but if you get a chance, I strongly recommend Moon. It features Sam Rockwell as a guy named Sam. And Sam works on the Moon.

Alone.

For going on three years.

That's all you need to know going in. Revealing any more of the story spoils the fun of the film. If you want something akin to what this movie feels like, think the sci-fi element of Timecrimes. Very simple, logical, organic, and above all, believable to the world it presents.



Know that the production design and FX work are top notch, mixing CG and models almost seamlessly. And Rockwell once again proves that he's the misunderstood genius actor of his generation. His performance should be enough to get him the honor of just being nominated come Awards time. (If there is justice in the world, he'd win, but since it's not based on an actual living being, he won't win).

I just really dug the design of the moon base. It felt straight out of Alien, and other 70s sci-fi flicks. Very "used" sci-fi look. And Clint Mansell's score is still haunting me. Fuckin A, I liked this movie.



I've actually been blessed lately, being able to see entertaining and enjoyable films this summer. Since the Terminator debacle, I've seen and enjoyed all of the following:

The Hangover (I'm still laughing at it days later. Don't let others ruin all the jokes for you before you get to see it).

Away We Go (At first glance, total hipster wet dream, but movie is solid and sweet and not as arch or precious as the previews make it out to be)

Land of the Lost (I don't know who they decided to make this movie for, but I wound up really enjoying Ferrell and Danny McBride tripping balls and playing Marco Polo).

Drag Me To Hell (Obscene amounts of scares and fun. If you replaced Alison Lohman with Bruce Campbell, it's Evil Dead 4. Side note: Why do demons and evil spirits in the Raimi worls feel the need to beat the ever-loving shit out of you instead of just killing?)

The Brothers Bloom (Solid performances, especially from Rachel Weisz, fun, light, and "fizzy" like a Fanta. It goes on a little long in the end, and loses some steam, but it's beyond charming.)

I haven't seen Wolverine or Up yet, although I want to see both. I also want to see Star Trek again, because I'm a huge nerd.

So there you go, a plethora of enjoyable and entertaining movies worthy of your dollars. But if you can only see one, and have all available to you, check out Moon. You'll thank me. And if you disagree, you can go eat a bowl of dick.

That's right. I went there.

This is why Brian missed Thanksgiving dinner.

He was too busy being in Italy filming this commercial. The Jerk.



Fun Fact: That's his actual voice speaking Italian!

Box Office Report: Actual hangover edition 2! (Electric Boogaloo).

Dude here again. I decided to keep my hangover in check this week. I did it by continuously drinking. I honestly can't recall the 7 days between when I last wrote the box office report. It's really fantastic, but my clothes are starting to stand and their own, and I can't seem to find my car anywhere. It's probably still in the parking garage, but I don't know if there's some hobo pinned to the windshield that I just forgot about.

Because those things actually happen.

This weekend, the top two remain the same, meaning all Hangover jokes and references people are making around the office are now MORE than relevant. Also, some other movies opened, too. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. The Hangover (WB)- $33.4, 3355 screens, week 2, $105.3 total

2. Up (BV) - $30.5, 3886 screens, week 3, $187.1 total

3. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $25.0, 3074 screens, week 1, $25.0 total

4. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $9.6, 3365 screens, week 4, $143.4 total

5. Land Of The Lost (Uni) - $9.1, 3534 screens, week 2, $34.9 total

6. Imagine That (Par)- $5.7, 3008 screens, week 1, $5.7 total

7. Star Trek (Par) $5.6, 2638 screens, week 6, $232.0 total

8. Terminator Salvation (WB)- $4.6, 2650 screens, week 4, $113.8 total

9. Angels & Demons (Sony) - $4.2, 2463 screens, week 5, $123.3 total

10. Drag Me To Hell (Uni) - $3.8, 2273 screens, week 3, $35.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means The Hangover is now crowned as "The surprise hit", because it took the top spot 2 weeks in a row, with only a 25% drop from last weekend's take. It's a genuine hit with "Legs". I know far too much "lingo" in this job. Still, the movie's hilarious and deserves all it's accolades and money.

Up seems to be doing nicely as well, rapidly approaching the $200 million point. Looks like there was nowhere for the film to go from here but Up! (If you're lucky, you'll be able to hear the resounding smack in the face I just applied to myself).

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, a Tony Scott directed remake with Denzel Washington and John Travolta, struggled against the two champions, and fought valiantly, but alas, comes in third. Or as my Dad likes to say, the second loser. At least the film fared better than Imagine That, an Eddie Murphy comedy that proves Eddie Murphy should stop making family films, and make something like "Delerious" again. My two cents.

Why aren't more people seeing Drag Me To Hell?!? It's fantastic! It's so much fun, you want to see it again immediately afterwards. It should've come out at Halloween.

Below the radar, a trio of interesting films opened up. Moon, starring Sam Rockwell as a man on the moon for 3 years by himself, opened up on 8 screens and took in $145,000. Food, Inc. a documentary about food (inc) opened on 3 screens and took in $63,000. And Tetro, another indie from Francis Coppola, opened up on 2 screens and took in $31,300. Interesting counter-programming to the normal summer fare.

I really don't know where these trite box office descriptions are coming from.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Year One and The Proposal try to make people laugh in ways the Hangover cannot. Will they succeed?!?

Until next weekend.......



(Nobody Wants To Play Sega With Harrison Ford)

Box Office Report: Actual hangover edition

Dude here again. In honor of the new releases this weekend, I decided to write this particular box office report while actually BEING hungover. Granted, that's how I mostly write these, but I find this time particularly fitting. One might say I visited the Land of the Lost whilst drinking.

There's also a My Life In Ruins joke in here somewhere, but I'm just not finding the proper wording for it.

This weekend, a close call for first place that may very well change these numbers tomorrow, making all my hard work null and void. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Up (BV) - $44.2, 3818 screens, week 2, $137.3 total

2. The Hangover (WB)- $43.2, 3269 screens, week 1, $43.2 total

3. Land Of The Lost (Uni) - $19.5, 3521 screens, week 1, $19.5 total

4. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $14.6, 3807 screens, week 3, $127.3 total

5. Star Trek (Par) $8.4, 3202 screens, week 5, $222.8 total

6. Terminator Salvation (WB)- $8.1, 3304 screens, week 3, $105.4 total

7. Drag Me To Hell (Uni) - $7.3, 2510 screens, week 2, $28.5 total

8. Angels & Demons (Sony) - $6.5, 2925 screens, week 4, $116.1 total

9. My Life In Ruins (FoxS) - $3.2, 1164 screens, week 1, $3.2 total

10. Dance Flick (Par)- $2.0, 1707 screens, week 3, $22.6 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means it took me two hours to write those numbers, proving that I'm not hungover, but am in fact, still drunk. I believe I drank myself sober, then back to drunk again.
Enjoy these numbers. That's all you're getting today.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, something comes out.

Until next weekend.......

The Interwebz Are Useful

And sometimes brilliant. For now, we have bestowed upon us, one of the greatest websites known to man. Greater than You're The Man Now Dog. More brilliant than those sites that show what idiots people are. Much more amazing than any site website dedicated to dwarf rodeos.

I present to you Explosions and Boobs.