Monday, May 31, 2010

I've gone and written more reviews!

Yeah, that's right. I went ahead and wrote some things of movies I saw. In case you missed it, I did put an Iron Man 2 review underneath the Hall and Oates post a few weeks back, but now I have a MacGruber, a Survival of the Dead AND a Mystery Team!

Not only that, but I was asked to conjure up a tale of why I would rather not sit through either Sex and the City 2 OR any other Twilight movie.

And because I like R. Bill Mountain so much, here's my thought pattern while watching Robin Hood!

Robin Hood

Be less stupid. You're making Clash of the Titans seem coherent.

Why does every map on screen have to burn up? Bonanza was like fifty years ago.

WHOA! Cate Blanchett is on that battle field alongside Robin! HOLY SHIT!!! How liberal for a 40-something woman to take up arms in battle in the 13th century. Or something. HOLY SHIT!!!*

Remember when you saw Phantom Menace, and you were excited about the things could happen, and then the movie began and it was all about taxation and franchise routes? That's exactly what this Robin Hood is like.
It's a whole lot of who cares.

Why didn't they make the movie where Nottingham was sympathetic and Robin Hood was the douche? That would've been a better movie. Better than this nonsense.

(But the opening was really cool. And Russell Crowe is badass, if way too old.)

*TRUE STORY- Watching this in the theater with Dan, when that scene happened and Blanchett revealed herself, I had THE GREATEST silent look of faux-shock on my face that cracked Dan up for a good two minutes straight.

"He is not a man. He's the holy Half-Dead who has seen the UnderVerse. "

-Lord Vaako

Box Office Report: In Memorium...uh, Day

Dude here again. Another disappointing holiday weekend has been bestowed upon us, full of motion pictures that disappoint both the studios that makes them and the audiences that see them. But that doesn't mean I can't slack off and tell you about the things that are disappointing.

Although, that would bring everything around full circle, in a never-ending ring of disappointment.

This weekend, it's 2004 all over again as a Jake Gylenhaal movie tries to take away from the Shrek juggernaut. Only with less impressive numbers this time around. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Tuesday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $55.7, 4367 screens, week 2, $145.4 total

2. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (BV) - $37.8, 3646 screens, week 1, $37.8 total

3. Sex and the City 2 (WB)- $37.1, 3445 screens, week 1, $51.3 total (Thurs Open)

4. Iron Man 2 (Par) - $20.6, 3804 screens, week 4, $279.1 total

5. Robin Hood (Uni) - $13.6, 3373 screens, week 3, $86.3 total

6. Letters to Juliet (Sum)- $7.2, 2825 screens, week 3, $37.9 total

7. Just Wright (FoxS)- $2.7, 1195 screens, week 3, $18.6 total

8. Date Night (Fox)- $2.2, 1126 screens, week 8, $93.9 total

9. MacGruber (Uni)- $1.9, 2546 screens, week 2, $7.5 total

10. How To Train Your Dragon (Par/DW) $1.4, 825 screens, week 10, $213.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Shrek continues on, attracting the kiddies and the parents on this long weekend. But not as many as previous incarnations. Could it be that people are sick of Shrek? Or of inflated movie prices? Did we give all our money to Avatar? Or are we as a culture developing taste?

More questions abound as we look at the other new releases this week. Prince of Persia would have had a very impressive debut, if this were August. Alas, this is Memorial Day weekend, and considering the price tag on this one, this is not so good. Yes, it received decent positive reviews, but my old roommate claimed it "boring". And as I've mentioned time and time again, when that guy doesn't like things, you KNOW it's probably bad. (Except Gentleman Broncos, he's way off on that).

And Sex and the City. I feel too much vitriol has been spent on that one, with far more clever people saying far more clever things than I could even be bothered to come up with. Still, Given that Sex opened on Thursday, and it is now a holiday weekend, and it's made almost as much as the original did in 3 days… well, you do the math.

NOthing much to note about the other deflating numbers of the big ticket items. IRon Man, Robin Hood, blah blah blah. But in all seriousness, let's hope that Date NIght continues chugging along to that $100 million goal, eh?

Below the radar, the latest from Jean-Pierre Juenet, Micmacs, opened up on 4 screens and took in $56,700. Impressive, but Agora opened on 2 screens and took in $43,200 bringing it the highest per screen average of all this weekend. Also, for some perspective, they re-released Breathless to the tune of $41,000. Now you know, and knowing is had that battle.

(The other half involves violence).

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, four mid-sized films try to change my opinion on this newly minted Summer of Disappointment! (Splice is one of those flicks, which gives hope, but the other movies are Killers with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl, and Marmaduke. If you listen carefully, you can hear me sigh from  wherever you are.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What's that? You're clamoring to see that awesome First-Person-Shooter sequence from Doom?

Lucky you found me, then.

Such an amazing sequence for such a stupid movie.

"If they're so smart, how come they're so dead?" - Karl Urban

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Box Office Report: Who cares, Lost ends tonight!

Dude here again. Movies are what I talk about here, but with such a lackluster summer of movies that aren't very good, I feel obliged to remind everybody that Lost ends this evening. And I'm sure that many executives would love to consider this as the reason for lowered box office numbers.

And not the fact that they're making really crappy movies.

This weekend, a complete lack of surprise of an animated 3-D movie comes out and disappoints. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $71.2, 4359 screens, week 1, $71.2 total

2. Iron Man 2 (Par) - $26.6, 4177 screens, week 3, $251.2 total

3. Robin Hood (Uni) - $18.7, 3505 screens, week 2, $66.1 total

4. Letters to Juliet (Sum)- $9.1, 2975 screens, week 2, $27.4 total

5. Just Wright (FoxS)- $4.2, 1831 screens, week 2, $14.6 total

6. MacGruber (Uni)- $4.1, 2551 screens, week 1, $4.1 total

7. Date Night (Fox)- $2.8, 1869 screens, week 7, $90.6 total

8. Nightmare on Elm Street (WB) - $2.2, 2125 screens, week 4, $59.9 total

9. How To Train Your Dragon (Par/DW) $1.8, 1751 screens, week 9, $210.9 total

10. Kites (Relbig)- $1.0, 208 screens, week 1, $1.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Shrek has become some sort of cultural obligation. It also means that if you were 5 or so when the original came out, and loved it you are now a teenager, and have no use for such films. Oh, and they raised some 3-D prices for shows of this Shrek, and it still managed to disappoint.

But nothing is as disappointing as the performance of MacGruber. The first SNL based film since The Ladies Man nearly a decade ago, MacGruber truly failed to find any sort of audience. This saddens me, as I was convinced MacGruber would be a huge sleeper hit, and it was the only movie after The Expendables that I wanted to see this summer. Maybe I should name this summer "Summer of Massive Disappointment.

Something called Kites opened in tenth place. Impressive. I believe it's a foreign film of some sort. Indian, maybe? But I'm too lazy to actually bother doing the legwork on this one, so I'll just leave this with a simple Jai Ho!

Everything else is dropping steadily into obscurity. Iron Man 2 will probably surpass the original's take, but not by much. Robin Hood is lucky for foreign grosses. Letters to Juliet and Just Wright, however, seem to be holding steady, which means there is still hope that all movies are not explosions and CGI and just two hour commercials for a movie that's 2 years away.

(That's right, Marvel FIlms, I'm calling you out for making a crappy sequel just to make one big movie. Screw you, I want my money back).

Below the radar, Solitary Man opened on 4 screens, and took in $89,000 for a per screen average higher than Shrek's. Racing Dreams also opened up on 33 screens, and took in $21,500. I have no idea what this movie is about, but it sounds like one of those fake titles for movies that Seinfeld and his gang would see.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, men will be powerless against Sex and the City 2! And Prince of Persia, starring one of the whitest dudes in the world.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Thursday, May 20, 2010


...that New Jersey has an official state dinosaur?

It's the Hadrosaurus foulkii!

And now you know!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Bullies From the 80s.

I'm disturbed by how many of these I remembered seeing. And by how many times they used the same guys in all the movies.

But I'm NOT disturbed by how awesome Val Kilmer is. That man's a national treasure.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Box Office Report: Iron Redux UPDATED

UPDATE: It's with great sadness I report that it was indeed confirmed. RIP Dio.

Dude here again. I feel that I need to set the record straight on a topic unrelated to Box Office numbers. There are rumors abound the interwebs that Ronnie James Dio had passed on. These are false. He is merely hospitalized. There is nothing to fear. But please don't be spreading these terrible rumors, and ruining my Sunday brunch with them. 

Like a rainbow in the dark.

This weekend, more money is thrown about casually in no effort to produce any sort of entertaining motion picture. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Iron Man 2 (Par) - $53.0, 4390 screens, week 2, $212.1 total

2. Robin Hood (Uni) - $37.1, 3503 screens, week 1, $37.1 total

3. Letters to Juliet (Sum)- $13.7, 2968 screens, week 1, $13.7 total

4. Just Wright (FoxS)- $8.5, 1831 screens, week 1, $8.5 total

5. How To Train Your Dragon (Par/DW) $5.1, 2620 screens, week 8, $207.7 total

6. Nightmare on Elm Street (WB) - $4.7, 3075 screens, week 3, $56.1 total

7. Date Night (Fox)- $4.0, 2481 screens, week 6, $86.6 total

8. The Back-Up Plan (CBS) - $2.4, 2497 screens, week 4, $34.2 total

9. Furry Vengeance (Sum)- $2.3, 2695 screens, week 3, $15.1 total

10. Clash of the Titans (WB)- $1.2, 1300 screens, week 7, $160.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means Iron Man 2 once again duped people into giving more money, but nowhere near as much as last weekend. It's sort of amazing that Iron Man 2 is following practically the same trajectory as its predecessor, especially since both movies are pretty much exactly the same.

Oh, we get another Robin Hood movie, huh? Casting the ever-so-youthful 40-something Russell Crowe in a Robin Hood tale set years before the "legend" (thanks, rebooting and prequels!) and one time Academy Award Winner and two time mother Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian, Ridley Scott's Maximus Hood managed to take a fair amount of money given the bad word of mouth from such wise asses as myself. Watch for a steep drop and no chance in hell of recouping the alleged $237 million budget.

Letters To Juliet tried to do the counter programming thing and took in a fair amount of money, but more importantly it probably helped a handful of teen boys get to second base when they agreed to see it over Robin Hood.

And Just Wright… You know, I have too much respect for Queen Latifah to callously mock this film. Good job, Queen!

Below the radar, a Hawaiian historical fiction film called Princess Kaiulani opened to $185,000 on 33 screens. And a film called The Living Wake, which is allegedly phenomenal, opened on one screen to take in a whopping $4800. What do you want, folks, the indies aren't stepping it up in the counter programming against the big boys like they used to.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we're brought another Shrek movie upon ourselves. And Macgruber, which just looks fantastic.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

They Finally Answered My Letters!!!!

First the thing about RZA getting to direct his own movie, and now the wonderful news that we'll get to see Van Damme fight Dolph... IN 3-D!!!!!

I can't believe it took this long to actually happen, but Im glad to live in a world that allows this. Now all we need is Crank 3-D, and I'm sold.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


It's been making the interweb rounds, but this makes me laugh everytime.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

F@#k it, let's enjoy some Hall and Oates!

Why? Because it's the start of the week!

And because Hall and Oates fuckin rock!

I'm not being sarcastic, either. At first, long ago, I was. But much like Billy Joel, I came around and realized how truly awesome Hall and Oates are.

Don't even try to deny it.

Oh, and here's my Iron Man 2 review.

Box Office Report: Man of Iron Edition 2

Dude here again. It's Mother's Day in addition to something else I got going on today. So you get another truncated (read: lazy) report. But I like to think that if Hollywood is going to churn out the same crap summer after summer, without regard for quality of product, that's how I'm gonna roll.

For this week, at least.

This weekend, in a shock to nobody, that man of iron took a lot of your money. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Iron Man 2 (Par) - $133.6, 4380 screens, week 1, $133.6 total

2. Nightmare on Elm Street (WB) - $9.1, 3332 screens, week 2, $48.5 total

3. How To Train Your Dragon (Par/DW) $6.7, 3003 screens, week 7, $201.0 total

4. Date Night (Fox)- $5.3, 2734 screens, week 5, $80.8 total

5. The Back-Up Plan (CBS) - $4.3, 3003 screens, week 3, $29.4 total

6. Furry Vengeance (Sum)- $4.0, 3002 screens, week 2, $11.6 total

7. Clash of the Titans (WB)- $2.3, 2157 screens, week 6, $157.8 total

8. Death at a Funeral (ScrGms) - $2.1, 1706 screens, week 4, $38.3 total

9. The Losers (WB)- $1.8, 2450 screens, week 3, $21.4 total

10. Babies (Focus)- $1.5, 534 screens, week 1, $1.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it's pretty apparent that Iron Man made a ridiculous amount of money but did so without breaking any records. How does a film manage to be an enormous financial success AND kind of a disappointment? Only Iron Man knows for sure.

Oh, and Babies opened up. Which was a movie about babies.

Also, look how steep the drop on Nightmare on Elm Street dropped. Sad, isn't it? Think about that before purchasing your 3-D ticket for the sequel next summer.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week more disappointing movies.

Until next weekend.... Happy Mother's Day, mom!

(Looks kinda like Yoda, doesn't it?)

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Other people's reviews of things they've seen

I've seen a few flicks, but haven't gotten the reviews written.

But after reading this review of the upcoming film "Babies", I don't know if there's a point in writing any reviews anymore.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Written discussions of things I've recently viewed.

I've seen some movies recently. I've only written one proper review, and that was for The Human Centipede, which is as dumb and disgusting as it sounds.

In the interest of those films I didn't write proper reviews for, here are the random thoughts that went through my head as I saw the following:

Man, this is full of miserable assholes who insist on going to Trader Joe's AND Farmers' Markets.

This is a movie about white people problems.

Why is anybody answering their phone when this asshole calls?

Rhys Ifans is really good.

(By the way, for a fun time, see what happens when you put Greenberg into google image search, and you wind up getting an interesting summation of the movie.)

The Losers

This is pretty solid. Everybody in this is solid.

Holy crap, did they just destroy that helicopter full of kids?!?

How is Jason Patric getting away with this? This is great.

Mmmmm.... I like Zoe Saldana when she's not Avatar-d.

Clash of the Titans


Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson sure have recaptured that Schindler's List on-screen magic once again!

Wait... Wha?!?

Mt Olympus is like the greatest prog rock album cover brought to life EVER!

It's like watching Dan play God of War 3. But a little dumber.

Box Office Report: Rock's Birthday Edition

Dude here again. Out of the 52 weekends of the year, this is my favorite weekend. The weekend before the onslaught of the summer blockbusters. The calm before the storm. No records need to be broken. Old movies need to be cleared out. It's fun. Too bad it won't last.

Oh, and since today is The Rock's birthday, Happy Birthday to The Rock!

This weekend, nobody seems to want to care about going to the movies, and a five week old picture nabs the top. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Nightmare on Elm Street (WB) - $32.2, 3332 screens, week 1, $32.2 total

2. How To Train Your Dragon (Par/DW) $10.8, 3426 screens, week 6, $192.3 total

3. Date Night (Fox)- $7.6, 3093 screens, week 4, $73.6 total

4. The Back-Up Plan (CBS) - $7.2, 3280 screens, week 2, $22.9 total

5. Furry Vengeance (Sum)- $6.5, 2997 screens, week 1, $6.5 total

6. The Losers (WB)- $6.0, 2936 screens, week 2, $18.1 total

7. Clash of the Titans (WB)- $5.9, 2737 screens, week 5, $154.0 total

8. Kick-Ass (LGF) - $4.4, 2542 screens, week 3, $42.1 total

9. Death at a Funeral (ScrGms) - $4.0, 2271 screens, week 3, $34.7 total

10. Oceans (BV)- $2.6, 1210 screens, week 2, $13.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that for all the complaining we've done about the remake-volution means nothing when you pay to go see the movies. Nightmare on Elm Street, despite failing to entertain my old roommate who likes everything, managed to take in $32 million dollars, which is just a bit more than the original made in its' entire run. There you go.

Ah, Furry Vengeance. There's nothing good to say about you, so I'll opt to say nothing at all. (Although it's tempting to make a joke about "furries", the joke's just not quite forming yet.

Wow, there really is nothing too interesting to report. Except that Date Night seems to love being at that number 3 spot. perhaps it will continue that way for a few more weeks, so that in their ads, they can proudly claim "The #3 movie in America 3 weeks in a row!" Date Night, people.

Why is nobody seeing The Losers? It's really solid, and quite enjoyable. Sometimes there are mysteries I just don't understand. Like magnets.

Below the radar, Michael Caine did played his Gran Torino card with Harry Brown, which opened up on 19 screens to take in $180,000. Insert "Get off my lawn" line here. There's also Please Give, which I don't know much about aside from it opened up on 4 screens and took in $128,000 to have the highest per screen average of the week.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week the man of iron returns.

Until next weekend.......

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)