Tuesday, June 30, 2009

This sums it up.

Watch this, and read this, and you will seriously understand everything you want (or don't want) to know about the ocular rape that took in $200 million in five days.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Box Office Report: Fuck.

Dude here again. Once again, I am depressed about the box office numbers. Seriously depressed. These numbers mean a lot. Quite possibly the end of civilization as we know it.

I'm not even kidding.

This weekend, Giant crappy robots fighting attempted to shatter records, and came close, but not quite. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $112.0, 4234 screens, week 1, $201.2 total (wed open)

2. The Proposal (BV) - $18.4, 3058 screens, week 2, $69.0 total

3. The Hangover (WB)- $17.2, 3525 screens, week 4, $183.2 total

4. Up (BV) - $13.0, 3487 screens, week 5, $250.2 total

5. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $12.0, 2606 screens, week 1, $12.0 total

6. Year One (Sony) - $5.8, 3024 screens, week 2, $32.2 total

7. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $5.4, 2995 screens, week 3, $53.4 total

8. Star Trek (Par) $3.6, 1823 screens, week 8, $246.2 total

9. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $3.6, 2250 screens, week 6, $163.2 total

10. Away We Go (Focus)- $1.6, 495 screens, week 4, $4.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that we the people elected to spend $200 million on an incoherent piece of nonsense trash. In 5 days. This just means that they will make more movies like this, not paying attention as to whether or not movies actually make, you know, sense! No, instead we get noise and bright flashing lights, and we call that filmmaking. Way to go. Thanks a lot.

On top of that, despite making as much money as it did, it still didn't beat any of the records set by the Dark Knight last year. It came a close second, but as everybody knows, second place is really just the first loser.

My Sister's Keeper, the smart counter-programming tactic about a child with cancer (far from transforming robots as you can get), made approximately 16 times less than what the Transformers made.

Below the radar, The Hurt Locker opened up on 4 screens and took in $144,000. What makes this remarkable is that it takes away Transformers' right to claim highest screen average of the weekend. Ha ha! Schadenfreude rules!

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, we see what happens if the robots continue their onslaught, or if they're just a flash in the pan. I hope, for the souls of all those on the planet, that we realize our mistake, and move on.

Until next weekend.......

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Holy shit, is the transforming robots movie terrible.

Yeah, that seriously sums up the last two and a half hours of my life. To paraphrase the movie Billy Madison, I, and everybody in the auditorium, are dumber having seen it.

I'll let my friend Larry speak for the film, as I'm still trying to keep track of what I just saw. Because I'm having a real difficult time comprehending things right now. I actually wrote down a note during the film that reads "Why do the robots have teeth?". So let's Larry speak:

"Transformers has so much blarcy* I got confused and bored and amazed and mildly retarded. I am not the same after. It's really hopped up. I wouldn't miss it just for the conversation it will stir up, but I am not calling it good, or even watchable at times. A film unto itself."

That sums it up perfectly. It's like watching somebody on a coke binge film a script that's written by an 8 year old playing with the toys. But then, the coke binge guy gets bored and starts playing with the toys by himself. And when he does that, we get racist robots.

Fun fact: You want to know why everybody who reviews the movie brings up the racist robots? It's because those are the only things in the entire fucking movie that you can clearly see. And even that's stretching it. I seriously had absolutely no idea that Megatron was in this movie. It's just noise and metal.

And Shia Lebouf... When the fuck did he break his hand? Not in real life, we all know that. I mean in the movie. Suddenly he's wearing a cast on his arm. And we're also in Egypt. And John Turturro shows his ass. But this Shia guy is really annoying.

(I'm too tired to look for SHIA, so here's SHEA)

Oh, but Megan Fox is hot in the movie. But she really just has to stare vacantly at things.

But do you know what the most amazing part of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is? The crowd I saw it with ATE THAT SHIT UP! Dear lord, this was bad. You almost have to see it. I feel bad contributing to the obscene box office numbers, but the proof is on the screen. And that proof is unbelievable.

I honestly didn't think there could be a worse movie than Terminator Salvation. This is an entirely different breed of awful, an adrenaline-fueled eye fuck that's done violating you before you know what's happened.

*Blarcy is the drug obtained by injecting heroin into your heart, then extracting the endorphins from your head. It's powerful, rare, and illegal. It's also from the movie I Come In Peace, which Larry and I saw a few weeks ago, and which made us laugh heartily at the introduction of Blarcy.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Witness the horror

I can't recall if I mentioned this to anybody, or showed it to anyone outside of my desk radius. But it's creepy as shit.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Totally Saw Transformers!

And now I want to share it with all of you!

Wow! I mean, it's a robot, but it's a planet that EATS robots!!!!

As for that crappy new Transforming robot movie, I haven't seen it yet. But the premiere of it delayed the arrival of my sandwich for lunch yesterday. Stupid Michael Bay. That was a "Kareem Abdul Jabeef", and it rocked, and you had to go and ruin it.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Box Office Report: All Bullock, all the time!

Dude here again. It's Father's Day. I called my father. Had a nice conversation with him. I tried to convince him to see Star Trek. He called me Mark, then apologized for calling me my brother's name.

I don't have a brother.

This weekend, The Hangover gets knocked down a peg, as two more funny (or "haha") movies come out. Who is the victor? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. The Proposal (BV) - $34.1, 3056 screens, week 1, $34.1 total

2. The Hangover (WB)- $26.8, 3545 screens, week 3, $152.9 total

3. Up (BV) - $21.3, 3832 screens, week 4, $224.1 total

4. Year One (Sony) - $20.2, 3022 screens, week 1, $20.2 total

5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $11.3, 3077 screens, week 2, $43.3 total

6. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $7.3, 2962 screens, week 5, $155.9 total

7. Star Trek (Par) $4.7, 2307 screens, week 7, $239.4 total

8. Land Of The Lost (Uni) - $3.9, 2945 screens, week 3, $43.6 total

9. Imagine That (Par)- $3.1, 3011 screens, week 2, $11.3 total

10. Terminator Salvation (WB)- $3.0, 1920 screens, week 5, $119.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means Sandra Bullock can still open a movie in addition to looking mighty fine. Seems the masses wanted a tender romance that didn't involve abandoned babies, stolen tigers and missing teeth. Sometimes I don't even recognize the world I live in.

Year One received some scathing reviews, but still managed a decent enough opening for a Jack Black movie. And now that Land of the Lost has become the punching bag of the summer as far as disappointing big budget comedies of the summer go, Year One can enjoy a pleasant run. (The less said about Imagine That, the better).

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 dropped significantly. Hangover and Up continue to do well, far better than Terminator or the Angels and the Demons.

Below the radar, the latest from Woody Allen, Whatever Works, opened up on 9 screens, and took in $281,000. It had the highest per screen average of the weekend. How does that make you feel? There was also a movie called Dead Snow, which is about Nazi zombies, and it opened up on one screen and took in $6,000. Impressive, as the film is also available on video on demand release platforms as well.

Just in case you didn't catch that before, it's about NAZI ZOMBIES!

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, the second crappy robot fighting movie opens up.

Until next weekend.......

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

See Moon!

It's slowly rolling out in theaters this summer, but if you get a chance, I strongly recommend Moon. It features Sam Rockwell as a guy named Sam. And Sam works on the Moon.


For going on three years.

That's all you need to know going in. Revealing any more of the story spoils the fun of the film. If you want something akin to what this movie feels like, think the sci-fi element of Timecrimes. Very simple, logical, organic, and above all, believable to the world it presents.

Know that the production design and FX work are top notch, mixing CG and models almost seamlessly. And Rockwell once again proves that he's the misunderstood genius actor of his generation. His performance should be enough to get him the honor of just being nominated come Awards time. (If there is justice in the world, he'd win, but since it's not based on an actual living being, he won't win).

I just really dug the design of the moon base. It felt straight out of Alien, and other 70s sci-fi flicks. Very "used" sci-fi look. And Clint Mansell's score is still haunting me. Fuckin A, I liked this movie.

I've actually been blessed lately, being able to see entertaining and enjoyable films this summer. Since the Terminator debacle, I've seen and enjoyed all of the following:

The Hangover
(I'm still laughing at it days later. Don't let others ruin all the jokes for you before you get to see it).

Away We Go (At first glance, total hipster wet dream, but movie is solid and sweet and not as arch or precious as the previews make it out to be)

Land of the Lost (I don't know who they decided to make this movie for, but I wound up really enjoying Ferrell and Danny McBride tripping balls and playing Marco Polo).

Drag Me To Hell (Obscene amounts of scares and fun. If you replaced Alison Lohman with Bruce Campbell, it's Evil Dead 4. Side note: Why do demons and evil spirits in the Raimi worls feel the need to beat the ever-loving shit out of you instead of just killing?)

The Brothers Bloom (Solid performances, especially from Rachel Weisz, fun, light, and "fizzy" like a Fanta. It goes on a little long in the end, and loses some steam, but it's beyond charming.)

I haven't seen Wolverine or Up yet, although I want to see both. I also want to see Star Trek again, because I'm a huge nerd.

So there you go, a plethora of enjoyable and entertaining movies worthy of your dollars. But if you can only see one, and have all available to you, check out Moon. You'll thank me. And if you disagree, you can go eat a bowl of dick.

That's right. I went there.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

This is why Brian missed Thanksgiving dinner.

He was too busy being in Italy filming this commercial. The Jerk.

Fun Fact: That's his actual voice speaking Italian!

Box Office Report: Actual hangover edition 2! (Electric Boogaloo).

Dude here again. I decided to keep my hangover in check this week. I did it by continuously drinking. I honestly can't recall the 7 days between when I last wrote the box office report. It's really fantastic, but my clothes are starting to stand and their own, and I can't seem to find my car anywhere. It's probably still in the parking garage, but I don't know if there's some hobo pinned to the windshield that I just forgot about.

Because those things actually happen.

This weekend, the top two remain the same, meaning all Hangover jokes and references people are making around the office are now MORE than relevant. Also, some other movies opened, too. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. The Hangover (WB)- $33.4, 3355 screens, week 2, $105.3 total

2. Up (BV) - $30.5, 3886 screens, week 3, $187.1 total

3. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $25.0, 3074 screens, week 1, $25.0 total

4. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $9.6, 3365 screens, week 4, $143.4 total

5. Land Of The Lost (Uni) - $9.1, 3534 screens, week 2, $34.9 total

6. Imagine That (Par)- $5.7, 3008 screens, week 1, $5.7 total

7. Star Trek (Par) $5.6, 2638 screens, week 6, $232.0 total

8. Terminator Salvation (WB)- $4.6, 2650 screens, week 4, $113.8 total

9. Angels & Demons (Sony) - $4.2, 2463 screens, week 5, $123.3 total

10. Drag Me To Hell (Uni) - $3.8, 2273 screens, week 3, $35.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means The Hangover is now crowned as "The surprise hit", because it took the top spot 2 weeks in a row, with only a 25% drop from last weekend's take. It's a genuine hit with "Legs". I know far too much "lingo" in this job. Still, the movie's hilarious and deserves all it's accolades and money.

Up seems to be doing nicely as well, rapidly approaching the $200 million point. Looks like there was nowhere for the film to go from here but Up! (If you're lucky, you'll be able to hear the resounding smack in the face I just applied to myself).

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, a Tony Scott directed remake with Denzel Washington and John Travolta, struggled against the two champions, and fought valiantly, but alas, comes in third. Or as my Dad likes to say, the second loser. At least the film fared better than Imagine That, an Eddie Murphy comedy that proves Eddie Murphy should stop making family films, and make something like "Delerious" again. My two cents.

Why aren't more people seeing Drag Me To Hell?!? It's fantastic! It's so much fun, you want to see it again immediately afterwards. It should've come out at Halloween.

Below the radar, a trio of interesting films opened up. Moon, starring Sam Rockwell as a man on the moon for 3 years by himself, opened up on 8 screens and took in $145,000. Food, Inc. a documentary about food (inc) opened on 3 screens and took in $63,000. And Tetro, another indie from Francis Coppola, opened up on 2 screens and took in $31,300. Interesting counter-programming to the normal summer fare.

I really don't know where these trite box office descriptions are coming from.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Year One and The Proposal try to make people laugh in ways the Hangover cannot. Will they succeed?!?

Until next weekend.......

(Nobody Wants To Play Sega With Harrison Ford)

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Box Office Report: Actual hangover edition

Dude here again. In honor of the new releases this weekend, I decided to write this particular box office report while actually BEING hungover. Granted, that's how I mostly write these, but I find this time particularly fitting. One might say I visited the Land of the Lost whilst drinking.

There's also a My Life In Ruins joke in here somewhere, but I'm just not finding the proper wording for it.

This weekend, a close call for first place that may very well change these numbers tomorrow, making all my hard work null and void. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Up (BV) - $44.2, 3818 screens, week 2, $137.3 total

2. The Hangover (WB)- $43.2, 3269 screens, week 1, $43.2 total

3. Land Of The Lost (Uni) - $19.5, 3521 screens, week 1, $19.5 total

4. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $14.6, 3807 screens, week 3, $127.3 total

5. Star Trek (Par) $8.4, 3202 screens, week 5, $222.8 total

6. Terminator Salvation (WB)- $8.1, 3304 screens, week 3, $105.4 total

7. Drag Me To Hell (Uni) - $7.3, 2510 screens, week 2, $28.5 total

8. Angels & Demons (Sony) - $6.5, 2925 screens, week 4, $116.1 total

9. My Life In Ruins (FoxS) - $3.2, 1164 screens, week 1, $3.2 total

10. Dance Flick (Par)- $2.0, 1707 screens, week 3, $22.6 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means it took me two hours to write those numbers, proving that I'm not hungover, but am in fact, still drunk. I believe I drank myself sober, then back to drunk again.
Enjoy these numbers. That's all you're getting today.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, something comes out.

Until next weekend.......

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Interwebz Are Useful

And sometimes brilliant. For now, we have bestowed upon us, one of the greatest websites known to man. Greater than You're The Man Now Dog. More brilliant than those sites that show what idiots people are. Much more amazing than any site website dedicated to dwarf rodeos.

I present to you Explosions and Boobs.