Saturday, June 27, 2009

Holy shit, is the transforming robots movie terrible.

Yeah, that seriously sums up the last two and a half hours of my life. To paraphrase the movie Billy Madison, I, and everybody in the auditorium, are dumber having seen it.

I'll let my friend Larry speak for the film, as I'm still trying to keep track of what I just saw. Because I'm having a real difficult time comprehending things right now. I actually wrote down a note during the film that reads "Why do the robots have teeth?". So let's Larry speak:

"Transformers has so much blarcy* I got confused and bored and amazed and mildly retarded. I am not the same after. It's really hopped up. I wouldn't miss it just for the conversation it will stir up, but I am not calling it good, or even watchable at times. A film unto itself."

That sums it up perfectly. It's like watching somebody on a coke binge film a script that's written by an 8 year old playing with the toys. But then, the coke binge guy gets bored and starts playing with the toys by himself. And when he does that, we get racist robots.

Fun fact: You want to know why everybody who reviews the movie brings up the racist robots? It's because those are the only things in the entire fucking movie that you can clearly see. And even that's stretching it. I seriously had absolutely no idea that Megatron was in this movie. It's just noise and metal.

And Shia Lebouf... When the fuck did he break his hand? Not in real life, we all know that. I mean in the movie. Suddenly he's wearing a cast on his arm. And we're also in Egypt. And John Turturro shows his ass. But this Shia guy is really annoying.

(I'm too tired to look for SHIA, so here's SHEA)

Oh, but Megan Fox is hot in the movie. But she really just has to stare vacantly at things.

But do you know what the most amazing part of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is? The crowd I saw it with ATE THAT SHIT UP! Dear lord, this was bad. You almost have to see it. I feel bad contributing to the obscene box office numbers, but the proof is on the screen. And that proof is unbelievable.

I honestly didn't think there could be a worse movie than Terminator Salvation. This is an entirely different breed of awful, an adrenaline-fueled eye fuck that's done violating you before you know what's happened.

*Blarcy is the drug obtained by injecting heroin into your heart, then extracting the endorphins from your head. It's powerful, rare, and illegal. It's also from the movie I Come In Peace, which Larry and I saw a few weeks ago, and which made us laugh heartily at the introduction of Blarcy.

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