Friday, August 04, 2006


If anyone ever tells you to try the Master Cleanse method to detox your body and/or lose weight, I want you to slap them upside the head. Then come out to LA and smack Dan upside the head, too. For good measure.

For the record, I'm on Day 5 (as the title of the post would lead most to believe) and it's hell. To be fair, it IS working, but at what cost? Making your house smell like lemons? Becoming subserviant to "The Beverage"? Seriously, I have put off plans with people this week, solely because I wouldn't be able to make the drink on time for the next day's consumption. Not to mention the more than frequent visits to the bathroom.

Here's a glimpse of what my days have consisted of lately:

7:00AM: wake up
7:15-8:00: bathroom time (the three "S"es, Shit, Shave, Shower)
8:00-8:30: Contemplate various excuses to not go into work
8:30-9:00: Commute to work
9:00: Begin first cup of the day, followed shortly by second and third
12:30-1:00 or so: Finish first of TWO 2-liter bottles. Begin second one.
(Should be noted, every half hour, I go off to pee, every 2 hours, visit the bathroom again for other things)
2:00: have cigarette to relieve the stress of no eating and incessant beep coming from unity drive.
2:30: Have phone call from my friend Jess, who gives me shit for smoking.
7:00: Finish up with work or so, but save just enough in second bottle for home.
9:00PM: At home, having finished second bottle (and yelling at Dan about it) I begin to make tomorrow's drink.
9:15: mental breakdown about how my refridgerater contains nothing but lemons and condiments. Throw knives at picture of Dan's head, and berate him incessantly while chanting "LEMONS" as said by Homer Simpson to Lisa in the episode where Homer opens the bar in his garage, and REM plays.
10:00PM: Beverage is made for the next day's imbibing. Fix self a piping hot mug of laxative tea.
10:30: Futurama
around 11:15, get sleepy realizing that I haven't eaten anything in days. Go to sleep, and dream of sandwiches.

Lost thus far: 6 lbs.

Not exactly the smartest thing to do, but I've never been all that smart to begin with.


-Brady said...

So, what you're saying is that I shouldn't go out and buy maple surup and lemons this weekend, because I was planning on it. I've been eating Scrambled egg and cheese sandwiches on a bagel for breakfast and lunch for the last couple of weeks and I'm starting to feel like I should cleanse myself, but maybe this isn't the answer.

Formerly, The Dude Spoke said...

Dan seems to like it. It's just so repetitive and creepy.I'd lay off those sandwiches, though. They'll kill ya. But if you want, I'll e-mail you the information on the stuff.

But only after you read the band script.



-Brady said...

Uh yeah, about the band script... I'll email you-

Lanz99 said...

Hey Dude,

Because I'm such a snoop (and a voracious reader), I decided to check out and devour your blog after you left your wonderful comment. I really likes. And I appreciate the wonderful comment. ^^

I'll probably ask to take you for coffee once I get to LA; there's certainly no such thing as having too much positive energy around us in our quest for greatness, methinks. :)

Be well,

PS Good luck on the cleanse; always wanted to try it once, just for kicks!