Have you ever wondered what I might think about TWILIGHT?

I think it might be a little bit something like this...

THE STORM is coming!!!

For those of you who know me, and wonder where I disappeared to for four months and why I left creepy non-sequiter voice mail messages, the answer will become apparent THIS SUNDAY on NBC! (At 9PM EST/PST)! And continued the following Sunday Aug 2nd at the same time! (Set your DVRs)!

It's THE STORM! Starring James "Enough with the Dawson already"Van Der Beek, Luke "I was in 5th Element" Perry, and Treat "I'm Awesome in everything, including this. Seriously" Williams!!!

Witness the fury of assassins attempting to hunt down reporters who might leak secrets of secret governmental controlled weather! Behold the amazing wrath of nature as it rains a hell of a lot and causes wind to pick up shit and throw it when the plot requires it to! Marvel over how quickly it takes to receive an order of wings in a bar! Yes indeed, it is.... THE STORM



All hail the television mini series event so face-meltingly fucking awesome it put me on unemployment!



FUN FACT: For those who want, I will be able to provide a commentary track for their viewing pleasure. For a nominal fee, I will do aforementioned commentary using the voice of Matthew McConaughey!

Random Wednesday Nonsense.

Also, this is the greatest headline I've read in awhile.

5 Things Harry Potter needs

I wrote an article for Moviesonline about Five things the next Harry Potter movie needs. Give it a read, won't you? And if you find it funny enough, give it a Digg! Help a brother out!

Also up on the site soon should be a review of Watchmen Director's Cut. Yes, it comes out on DVD (and BluRay!) tomorrow, but they released it into theaters for the past weekend, and because I'm a nerd, I had no choice but to see it. I don't have the link to the review yet, but it should up soon, provided there aren't 1800 more reader-submitted Harry Potter reviews.

UPDATE: HERE IT IS!

But let me tell you something, there's nothing worse than 3 and a half hours of ripe nerd sweat in a small theater.

I'm not really sure what to say about this...

...but it makes me proud to be an American!



I think I'm going to buy ALL my furniture from there. I don't care if I love on theother side of the country.

Box Office Report: Magical Edition!

Dude here again. Did you hear something about a Barry Potter movie opening up? I'm willing to bet it made some money. The kids, they love that Barry and his misadventures. Like the one with the chamber of secrets, where it was revealed his mother was actually a man.

Maybe that was just a dream I had once.

This weekend, Harry Potter inched one step closer to the finite franchise that they managed to stretch out one more beyond the actual books. Pretty impressive, actually. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (WB) - $79.4, 4325 screens, week 1, $159.6 total (wed open)

2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $17.7, 3817 screens, week 3, $152.0 total

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $13.7, 3857 screens, week 4, $363.8 total

4. Bruno (Uni)- $8.3, 2759 screens, week 2, $49.5 total

5. The Hangover (WB)- $8.3, 2667 screens, week 7, $235.8 total

6. The Proposal (BV) - $8.2, 3043 screens, week 5, $128.0 total

7. Public Enemies (Uni) $7.5, 3118 screens, week 3, $79.4 total

8. Up (BV) - $3.1, 1706 screens, week 8, $279.5 total

9. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $2.8, 1967 screens, week 4, $41.5 total

10. I Love You Beth Cooper (Fox) - $2.6, 1872 screens, week 2, $10.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Harry Potter started off strong, with the highest midnight show count on Wednesday (or some ridiculous record), and then slowly calmed down. No other records are broken. Still, it made an obscene amount of money in five days, and it looks on track with the other Harry Potter movies.

Bruno dropped an astonishing 70% from last week's take. I wonder if it's because of that Irish movie theater owner, who proclaimed on his outgoing message that the film was "vile" (Google it if you don't believe me. It's out there on the interwebz).

Nothing else was released wide this week, in fear of the Potter-naut. Most of the movies seem to be slowing down, like the Transforming robots. And the icy hot one.

Below the radar, (500) Days of Summer opened up on 27 screens and took in $838,000. Very impressive for a limited release. It took in the highest per screen average, even more than the movie that had magic. So there you go.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, a group of animated hamsters come at you... in 3-D!!! Plus that movie Orphan, which has an amazing plot twist you will never see coming, that I wouldn't dare spoil. Unless you ask me. And give me money. Or food. Preferably both.

Until next weekend.......

Harry Potter Review! (and others)

I saw Harry Potter at the midnight show, because I have no job and quite frankly, I can.

I wrote up my review of it here.

Also caught Blood: The Last Vampire. And The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 remake.

There have been some flicks I've caught on cable and Netflix, too, being that I have the time. I'll give you a quick rundown:

Zombie Strippers: A movie with a great title, and half decent execution. Still, for a movie with that great title, I expected pure insanity, but I doubt they'd let me make my version of what a Zombie Stripper movie is supposed to be. Fun Fact: two of the titular stripper zombies were in the last 2 movies I worked. on. One's in Porky's The College Years (aka Pimping Pee Wee), and the other is in THE STORM! (Sunday July 26th and Aug 2nd on NBC!)

Eagle Eye: I gave this movie so much shit, because I saw the preview before EVERYTHING last year, and it was starting to piss me off. Plus, Dan (he of Danspeak) told me the "twist" of the movie, and outright declared I would hate it. Lo and behold, I actually sort of dug it. Granted, it was more in the background than anything else, but I'll be damned if I wasn't entertained by the flick. The very end kinda sucks, but other than that, perfectly serviceable movie to watch this month when HBO overplays it.

Push: You may have seen the ads for this. It makes the movie look like Jumper 2. And it sort of is Jumper 2. But it's a lot better than Jumper, vastly more entertaining, and while still stupid, nowhere near as stupid as Jumper. It features groups of people will special skills, kind of like if a whole group of X-men had the same powers as Wolverine, while another group had the same powers as Cyclops, etc. It's fun and it's shot interestingly enough to be mildly amusing.

Alright, that's what I got. I'll have a post on Moviesonline tomorrow (Maybe later today if I'm not feeling too lazy) about the 5 things the next Harry Potter movie needs.

Links to new reviews

I told you I was gonna do this, so here are the links.

THE HURT LOCKER

DEAD SNOW

TRANSFORMERS 2: STUPID PIECE OF SHIT WASTE OF MY TIME

MOON

Full disclosure: The Moon and Transformers are just cut and paste, and a little reformatting, of what I previously wrote on this page.

Box Office Report: Niiiiiiice!

(NOTE: Even though this appears at MOVIESONLINE.CA, I will continue putting it here. For Now.)

Dude here again. Alright, so I was wrong about last week's numbers, and Transformers was #1. Whatever, it's passed. Now, it's another weekend. Another weekend full of happy numbers. Happy numbers you love, filled with nougat and seven essential vitamins and minerals.

All part of one's balanced breakfast.

This weekend, Borat 2 was unleashed upon the masses. And something else, too. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Bruno (Uni)- $30.4, 2756 screens, week 1, $30.4 total

2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $28.5, 4102 screens, week 2, $120.5 total

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $24.2, 4293 screens, week 3, $339.2 total

4. Public Enemies (Uni) $14.1, 3336 screens, week 2, $66.5 total

5. The Proposal (BV) - $10.5, 3158 screens, week 4, $113.7 total

6. The Hangover (WB)- $9.9, 3002 screens, week 6, $222.4 total

7. I Love You Beth Cooper (Fox) - $5.0, 1858 screens, week 1, $5.0 total

8. Up (BV) - $4.6, 2201 screens, week 7, $273.7 total

9. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $4.1, 2444 screens, week 3, $35.8 total

10. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $1.6, 1116 screens, week 5, $61.4 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that I'm going to have to hear everyone around the workplace (by which I mean bar) do annoying Bruno impressions until at least Halloween. Son of a bitch! Anyway, it did better than Borat's opening weekend, but it also opened on 3 times as many screens. On top of which, allegedly the film did REALLY well on Friday, then dropped off sharply on Saturday. These are what the numbers tell us.

I Love You Beth Cooper also opened up. I guess most audiences don't even like her as a friend. (That joke needs work that I'm too lazy (drunk) to work on. On the plus side, it's nice to see Chris Columbus truly stretching out from those money making Harry Potter movies.

You know what? That was mean. I feel remorse for having said that. But again, too lazy (drunk) to delete it.

Ice Age and Transformers continue to garner what they can before the next wave of blockbusters wash these out to tide. Same with Public Enemies, which should enjoy a few more weeks, but probably won't break records.

Below the radar, Blood: The Last Vampire, a movie where it looks like a Japanese school girl does all sorts of crazy kung-fu shit with a sword, opened up on 20 screens and took in $103,000. And something called Humpday, which requires attention because it's called Humpday, opened on 2 screens and took in $29,000. One more time for fun: Humpday.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Harry Potter begins it's slow crawl towards the end of the filmed journeys.

Until next weekend.......

101 robots... and a few changes

There are at least 101 robot shirts in existence. And you can find them here . Sadly, I have 2 awesome robot shirts that haven't been created yet. But since I have the time, it might be time to learn photoshop and t-shirt design.


Also, I want to point out a few changes I shall be making to the blog here. Nothing too huge, but I've agreed to start writing for Moviesonline again, this time for more exposure and infamy. Sadly, this means lots of news about Twilight.

(So dreamy!)

No, I'm only kidding. But seriously, I will be posting my reviews over there from now on, along with fun and exciting lists and hilarious commentary on movies and editorials. I will provide links to the reviews and other content here on ye olde blog, but fact of the matter is, the more views Moviesonline gets, the more pennies roll into my coffers. Being that I have no source of income at the moment, every little bit helps.

So later on, I'll have a review of Hurt Locker to post on the site, and I shall include the link. Please help a brother out and read it, and future reviews and article postings I shall write for them, in my quest to be an actual writer, and not some bum who writes on the side when he's not assistant editing crappy TV miniseries that star the Dawson.

Box Office Report: 501

Dude here again. I'm feeling a lot better about these numbers I'm reporting. Not for any reason regarding the content of the films. But because I've been having the most wonderful vacation. And I'm not gonna let something like almost $300 million in tickets get me down.

That's probably the Pina Coladas talking.

This weekend, what's this?!?! A TIE?!?!?!? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)- $42.5, 4099 screens, week 1, $67.5 total (wed open)

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (P/DW) - $42.5, 4234 screens, week 2, $293.4 total

3. Public Enemies (Uni) $26.1, 3334 screens, week 1, $41.0 total (wed open)

4. The Proposal (BV) - $12.7, 3099 screens, week 3, $94.2 total

5. The Hangover (WB)- $10.4, 3070 screens, week 5, $204.1 total

6. Up (BV) - $6.5, 2656 screens, week 6, $264.8 total

7. My Sister's Keeper (WB)- $5.2, 2606 screens, week 2, $25.9 total

8. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Sony) - $2.5, 1908 screens, week 4, $58.4 total

9. Night at the Museum... (Fox)- $2.1, 1419 screens, week 7, $167.7 total

10. Year One (Sony) - $2.1, 2240 screens, week 3, $38.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that the Transformers folks didn't want to lose face and predicted something that the Ice Age people also predicted. Neither will back down until official numbers are reported on Monday. That means I'm gonna have another pina colada.

But I'm not going to report back with final numbers. My guess is that Transformers will have predicted more than actually made, and Ice Age will be declared champion of the world! But sometimes I've been known to be wrong. Rare times, but it does happen.

And Public Enemies had a nice showing. That's star power for you. Have that Pirate captain and Batman star in a gangster movie in the middle of summer, against animated dinosaurs and robots, and still pull that off. Star Power I says!

(Those last few sentences are best read if you hear an old Hollywood agent stereotype say them aloud. Imagine that, won't you?)

Oh, and there's another tie at the bottom of the list, too. But nobody's really clamoring for dibs on ninth these days, are they? Aw, bummer. Star Trek's out of the top ten. Son of a....

Below the radar, there are a lot of good movies out that are worth time and money to check them out. More so than nonsense movies about loud noises and bright flashing colors with no cohesive sense of story. In it's second week The Hurt Locker added 5 more screens and took in $126,000. Away We Go, is still expanding, and took in another $1.1 million. And Moon, a fantastic movie starring Sam Rockwell (and a robot!) expanded to 26 more screens in its' fourth week, and took in $300,000.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Borat 2: Austrian Boogaloo. And something else, too.

Until next weekend.......

500 Posts!

Well, I managed it. After roughly over 3 years, I have made it to 500 posts. Granted, that's a pretty weak output, and if it weren't for weekly box office reports, it would be significantly less. But still, I've kept at it thus far, and thank all of you loyal readers for sticking with it, and hopefully letting it guide you in the ways of good movie choices.

I contemplated what I was going to do for this landmark occasion. A review of my all time favorite movie? Something new, perhaps, like a review of The Hurt Locker? (Which fucking rocks!) Perhaps I would beat down and choke a dead horses' throat, and rail against that piece of shit transforming robot movie. Maybe I finally finished that long awaited Dolph Lundgren Film Festival write up!

Or cleverly return to an old favorite, like a Danspeak*? Or go into a nice diatribe about unemployment is really FUNemployment, despite the horrible sunburn I feel on my chest right now! Or any other flight of fancy that's strikes my curious, vacation-filled mind.

Then, I witnessed this video and knew what I had to do. Watch and enjoy. Preferably not around children or people with the capacity to fire you.

Enjoy! Thanks for coming by, and I hope you continue to do so, as I have the time to write whatever strikes my fancy now!



*I did sneak in a new Danspeak, by the way. He coined that "Choking a dead horse" amalgam. Actually, I'm not even sure I got it correct.