Just a shrimp running on a treadmill while the Benny Hill theme plays.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Box Office Report: 21? Really?

Dude here again. On yet another Sunday. Dreading the prospect of what the week holds in store. Sunday's are vaguely depressing. Luckily, there's always the box office numbers to cheer me up! Let's turn those blues into... greens? No that's stupid.

This weekend, a newcomer knocks down the elephant, and another Irag movie fails to garner interest. And yet another parody movie opened up. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove this column wrong).

1. 21 (Sony)- $23.7, 2648 screens, week 1, $23.7 total

2. Horton Hears A Who! (Fox) - $17.4, 3826 screens, week 3, $117.2 total

3. Superhero Movie (Wein/MGM) - $9.5, 2960 screens, week 1, $9.5 total

4. Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns (LGF) - $7.7, 2016 screens, week 2, $32.8 total

5. Drillbit Taylor (Par) - $5.8, 3061 screens, week 2, $20.5 total

6. Shutter (Fox) - $5.3, 2756 screens, week 2, $19.1 total

7. 10,000 B.C. (WB) - $4.8, 3055 screens, week 4, $84.9 total

8. Stop-Loss (Par)- $4.5, 1291 screens, week 1, $4.5 total

9. College Road Trip (BV) - $3.5, 2270 screens, week 4, $38.3 total

10. The Bank Job (LGF) - $2.8, 1605 screens, week 4, $24.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? It means that a bunch of kids trying to take down the system in Vegas attracted a lot more people than expected. Sadly more than $21 million, thus denying a wonderful sense of symmetry, but close enough. Gambling puns abound, 21 captured the top spot and no doubt has inspired countless morons to believe that they, too, can beat the system much like the characters "based on a true story!"

Superhero Movie opened up, a mere two months after Meet The Spartans. Apparently this one has fewer pop culture jokes, and makes unfunny jokes about super heroes. Anyway, it didn't do all that well, and not nearly as good as the aforementioned Spartans. Which is kind of sad, but maybe it means these films will take a breather for a little while.

Stop-Loss, Kimberly Pierce's portrait of the Iraq war, was not met well, despite having some spectacular reviews. It further feeds the fire on the argument that people don't want to see movies about the war. And Run Fat Boy Run, starring the lovable Simon Pegg (whom I made laugh once), opened up to about $2.3 million, the weakest of all the wide releases.

Below the top ten, a movie called Flawless and a movie called Priceless came out. They both roughly made the same amount of money (less than $200,000) but I found it funny that Flawless and Priceless are both kinda penniless. (ZING!)

And in the "Because It's Rambo" series: There are no more Rambo numbers to report. Let's take a moment and think about what that means, and what Rambo has brought to all of our lives.

There you have my break down. Next week, a horror movie. And a movie that isn't a horror movie. And something else. But hey, only a month until we get to the big summer blockbuster season! Chock full 'o superheroes! It's gonna be rad!

Until next weekend....

Box Office Report: Jesus' Re-birthday Weekend

Dude here again. I'm currently camped outside Target, anxiously awaiting the clearance of Easter merchandise. The day after, they drop the price over 50%! Because nothing says good cheer like discount Peeps!

This weekend, is Tyler Perry in drag enough to combat Dr. Seuss? Almost. But not quite. But it could change by tomorrow for all I know. But it probably won't. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove this column wrong).

1. Horton Hears A Who! (Fox) - $25.1, 3961 screens, week 2, $86.4 total

2. Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns (LGF) - $20.0, 2006 screens, week 1, $20.0 total

3. Shutter (Fox) - $10.7, 2753 screens, week 1, $10.7 total

4. Drillbit Taylor (Par) - $10.2, 3056 screens, week 1, $10.2 total

5. 10,000 B.C. (WB) - $8.6, 3454 screens, week 3, $76.1 total

6. Never Back Down (Sum)- $4.8, 2729 screens, week 2, $16.8 total

7. College Road Trip (BV) - $4.6, 2575 screens, week 3, $32.0 total

8. The Bank Job (LGF) - $4.1, 1613 screens, week 3, $19.4 total

9. Vantage Point (Sony)- $3.8, 2124 screens, week 5, $65.3 total

10. Under The Same Moon (Wein) - $2.6, 266 screens, week 1, $3.3 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? It means that Horton once again reigns supreme. But hot on it's heels is yet another movie from the Tyler Perry factory. Once again eschewing critics' screenings, Perry (and Lionsgate) knows his audience will show up for his films. And to similar numbers. (The only one that hasn't done too well is the Daddy's Little Girls, and I think it may be due to the absence of Madea, Perry's "Funnier than Norbit" cross dressing character. Anyway, it made money, and all is well with the world.

Three other movies also opened up wide this week. Shutter, yet another American remake of a Japanese horror film, this one with the luxury of actually casting a former member from Dawson's Creek (instead of my usual Dawson-esque description to describe the cast). That was neck and neck with Drillbit Taylor, the latest from the Apatow factory. Due to the less than happy (but not Walk Hard bad) numbers, expect the 20 comedies to follow to downplay the "From the makers of Superbad" declaration in the ads.

And something called Under The Same Moon opened up really well for 266 screens, and being in Spanish. Although, Perry's film has the highest average in the top ten this weekend.

Let's give it up for The Bank Job, which continues to have the lowest drop from weekend to weekend. In a just world, this movie will continue to pull in $4 million every weekend until the next Statham movie rolls around. Sadly, the world inside my head is far different from the one I exist in. And I weep silently in the alley. And drink.

Below the top ten, ummm.... I can't really see any smaller release that opened. Thus making this paragraph rather useless. Sure, I could just delete the words, but I've already gone through the trouble of writing them, and by this point, it's far too late for you to stop reading it.

And in the "Because It's Rambo" series: Rambo, took in $57,000 on 136 screens, bringing it's grand total to $42,726,000 in 9 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, more films open up that I can ridicule without seeing. And they will make money. Or not. The decision is literally up to you.

Until next weekend....

Happy St. Drinkin's Day

Yeah, this is the picture from last year. So what?

Box Office Report: The Day Before St. Patrick's Day

Dude here again. Gearing up for a hard day of celebrating the wonderful St. Patrick, the patron saint of Guiness. It's been an intense year of training, but I think I'm finally ready to handle my share of Irish Car bombs tomorrow! Should there be no box office report next week, it will be due to me losing out to the drink. Will it be worth it? Only time will tell.

This weekend, they finally get a Dr. Seuss adaptation correct. And it makes a truckload of money! Plus, some other surprises! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove this column wrong).

1. Horton Hears a Who! (Fox) - $45.1, 3954 screens, week 1, $45.1 total

2. 10,000 B.C. (WB) - $16.4, 3410 screens, week 2, $61.2 total

3. Never Back Down (Sum)- $8.6, 2729 screens, week 1, $8.6 total

4. College Road Trip (BV) - $7.8, 2706 screens, week 2, $24.2 total

5. Vantage Point (Sony)- $5.4, 2761 screens, week 4, $59.2 total

6. The Bank Job (LGF) - $4.9, 1613 screens, week 2, $13.1 total

7. Doomsday (Rogue) - $4.7, 1936 screens, week 1, $4.7 total

8. Semi-Pro (NL) - $3.0, 2270 screens, week 3, $29.8 total

9. The Other Boleyn Girl (Sony) - $2.9, 1212 screens, week 3, $19.1 total

10. The Spiderwick Chronicles (Par) - $2.3, 2407 screens, week 5, $65.4 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? It means that people with far too much time on their hands will come up with little rhyming headlines based on Horton making lots of money. I will spare you all that. not because I'm lazy, but because I respect you. Anyway, Horton made a lot of money. It will probably continue to make lots of money, as the kids love the Dr. Seuss these days. Right?

Somehow, Never Back Down took third place. Seriously. I can't make this up. What hurts most about this is that Doomsday, which is actually a damn decent and fun flick, only took in about half of that of that. (A little more, really, but still). What is Never Back Down? And why is Doomsday getting such a bad reputation? It rules! And nobody's seeing it!

And audiences continue to recognize the brilliance of Roland Emmerich's 10,000 B.C.! That brings a smile to my face.

Below the top ten, the polarizing Funny Games opened up on 289 screens, and took in $520,000. Not bad, for what is essentially a shot for shot remake of a ten year old German film. I've heard that audiences and critics are not really responding favorably to the violence in the picture, but I've also heard that's the point. Just sayin...

And in the "Because It's Rambo" series: Rambo, took in $110,000 on 201 screens, bringing it's grand total to $42,617,000 in 8 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, Owen Wilson has a new movie that Danny R. McBride costars in, which means the movie will promise at least five to ten minutes of genuine comic gold. There's probably something else that will open, too. But watch the animated elephant take it again.

Until next weekend....
(Wilfred Brimley. Prince of Thieves).

Distractions from work

Lately, work has been slow. So I spend a lot of time examining the interweb. I've found a few things that are awesome and worth checking out, if you haven't seen them yet.

Stuff White People Like - A collection of things that make me ashamed to be a white man. (Though not as shameful as a wedding party doing the electric slide)

Garfield Minus Garfield - When you take Garfield out of the Garfield comics, Monday's become a lot better. Even if Jon seems a lot sadder.

And because I was looking it up on the YouTubes, I found a blast from high school geometry past.

And something from the good old General Cinemas that I can't remember if I've already shown or not.

Remember Boner?

From Growing Pains? (Not the euphemism for an erection caused by, say, a recent Academy Award winning screenwriter).

I wonder what Boner's been up to lately...

Tonight we're gonna party like it's 10,000 B.Stupid

Sweet merciful crap, is 10,000 B.C. a terrible movie. It's damn enjoyable, however. Let me put it this way, it's no Pathfinder, but it's pretty damn close.

There's so much that's wrong about this movie. The scene with the wild ostriches attacking. The sabre tooth tiger scenes. The choice of letting the characters speak English, sometimes in a Jamaican sounding accent. The eight or so prophecies that are all to be fulfilled by the one guy. The racial undercurrents that would be offensive if the movie weren't so stupid. 10,000 B.C. is like an adorable puppy that just crapped all over your bed. You can't get too mad, because look at how cute the puppy is. But you've still got a bed full of shyte.

And yet, I enjoyed the whole thing. I will never see it again. but I had a great time watching it. It truly is this year's Transformers, pure spectacle and absolutely no brain power needed whatsoever. Seriously, this movie feels like it was made on a system of dares. As if Roland Emmerich thought to himself "I'll have a scene with fearsome attacking ostriches, almost identical to the scene with the baby Godzillas in my previous movie. They'll have to take it out". And then is kind of surprised that they didn't take it out.

The special effects are pretty good. The mammoths the wooliest. The tigers' teeth the sabre-ist. But that's about it. Oh, I also kind of liked the lead guy, played by Steven Strait. I thought he did a real good job, not cracking up once through the whole movie. And Camilla Belle is just hot, but then you realize that every other women in the film looks like me. And Camilla looks fantastic, and with some make up, and "peasant dirt". But she's hot.
And then there are pyramids being built by captured tribes folk, and more nonsense involving prophecies. Then the white dude turns out to be the sole saviour of the African slaves that were kidnapped. But the hot girl needs to...

You see how this review makes absolutely no sense? It's akin to watching 10,000 BC. It makes no sense, and you get angry with yourself for enjoying it. But it's still very entertaining. And very, VERY stupid.

The Foot Fist Way

Fred Simmons is one hell of a Tae Kwon Do instructor. Actually, he's not. He's pretty terrible. And unbelievably deluded about his position in the world. And kind of a jerk. And as played by Danny McBride, one of the damn funniest comic characters on screen in a long time. Almost rivaling Ron Burgundy in sheer arrogance and comedic brilliance.

The Foot Fist Way tells the story of Fred Simmons, as his life slowly unravels due to a cheating wife. Driven by rage and anger, he eventually goes on a road trip with with two of his Tae Kwon Do students to see a demo of the legendary Chuck "The Truck" Wallace. That's as close to story as the movie gets. I feel awkward making the comparison, but the movie has a Napoleon Dynamite kind of feel: Very loose and free flowing, full of random one-liners and a few physical gags that kill, and even though it seems like not much is happening, it's pretty hilarious.

Of course, this movie isn't really about story. It's about performance. A brilliant performance, to be precise, from Danny McBride.

Danny McBride (not the one who co-wrote those crappy Underworld movies, the guy from Hot Rod and Heartbreak Kid) plays Fred Simmons perfectly. Everything the man says is comic gold. McBride commits himself mind, body and soul to this character and the results are pure hilarity. Simmons is the kind of person that you don't ever want to spend too much time with. He's an ass, and he's bound to make any situation that much more uncomfortable. McBride seems keenly aware of this and pushes this as far into squirming territory as it can possibly go.

Take the scenes with Denise, a cute young girl who's interested in Tae Kwon Do. Any scene that involves her, and Fred's "relationship" with her just makes you wish the scene would end for her sake. But for the audiences' sake, it continues. And keeps going. To brilliantly funny conclusions, mind you.

The movie is full of characters and one liners, most of which you'll miss from laughing too hard the first time. Ben Best (who along with McBride and director Jody Hill, co-wrote the film) is quite good as The Truck, a fading martial arts star and Fred's idol. And Jody Hill has a brief turn as Mike, a level-5 black belt, which means nothing because he doesn't believe in levels. And Mary Jane Bostic as Fred's hot and slutty wife is spot on. And the kid who plays Julio, Fred's young apprentice at the dojo. Everyone in this movie brings their game on, and delivers.

Rumor has it that Will Ferrell and Adam McKay were slipped a tape of this, and loved it so much they threw their names behind it in order to give it a wider audience. And it's easy to see the appeal, especially because Fred Simmons is the kind of character that Will Ferrell excels at: The deluded, egotistical, blinded to reality (and non-sequiter spewing) know it all jerk. It's an apt comparison, and Ferrell and McKay have done a good job in getting this out there.

If there is any justice in the world, The Foot Fist Way will become the movie that college kids pop on with their drunk friends and quote ad infinitum. It's not a movie about gags and set ups, as much as it's about subtle, dry humor, deranged characters, and hilariously wrong lines of dialogue. I'm going to go out on a limb, and say even with the the onslaught of Apatow flicks coming out this year, you will be hard pressed to find a movie funnier than The Foot Fist Way. You owe it to yourself to see this movie, and help Danny McBride become the huge comedy star that he deserves to be. You'll thank me afterwards.

Bow to your sensei!

Box Office Report: Daylight Savings Weekend!

Dude here again. We did that time change thing last night, putting the clocks ahead an hour. I think it's pretty foolish to keep doing this back and forth thing. But I also find it incredibly arrogant that George W. Bush felt the need to actually change the dates when it happens, to give us more light. You are not the master of space and time, sir. That would be Doc Brown. Leave Daylight Savings Time alone! That's it. I'm finished. Let's get on with this.

This weekend, a really big, loud, dumb movie opened up. And so did 10,000 B.C. and one of them made far too much money than it deserves. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove this column wrong).

1. 10,000 B.C. (WB) - $35.7, 3410 screens, week 1, $35.7 total

2. College Road Trip (BV) - $14.0, 2706 screens, week 1, $14.0 total

3. Vantage Point (Sony)- $7.5, 3163 screens, week 3, $51.6 total

4. Semi-Pro (NL) - $5.9, 3121 screens, week 2, $24.8 total

5. The Bank Job (LGF) - $5.7, 1603 screens, week 1, $5.7 total

6. The Spiderwick Chronicles (Par) - $4.8, 3246 screens, week 4, $61.7 total

7. The Other Boleyn Girl (Sony) - $4.0, 1167 screens, week 2, $14.6 total

8. Jumper (Fox) - $3.7, 2563 screens, week 4, $72.5 total

9. Step Up 2 The Streets (BV)- $3.0, 2251 screens, week 4, $53.0 total

10. Fool's Gold (WB) - $2.8, 2322 screens, week 5, $62.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? It means that $35 million was painfully sucked away from poor fools stupid enough to pay their hard earned dollars to see the wooly mammoth movie. (Full disclosure: I am one of those fools, too). And that $14 million was taken away from the people who couldn't even give it to the wooly mammoth movie, but rather to Rayven Simone.

Adding insult to this injury, a perfectly fine Jason Statham bank robbery movie opened up to far less than either of these movies. This is just shenanigans. That's right. SHENANIGANS!!!

Right below the top ten, something called Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day did slightly less than 5 week old McConaughey abs. Gus Van Sant's Paranoid Park opened up on 2 screens and took in $30,000 and the highest per screen average. Even higher than the movie with the wild ostrich attack. The new Stephen Chow movie CJ7 opened up on 19 screens and took in $41,100. And the latest from David Gordon Green, Snow Angels, opened up on 2 screens to take in $14,000. The more fascinating films are rarely in the top ten, are they?

And in the "Because It's Rambo" series: Rambo, took in $66,000 on 163 screens, bringing it's grand total to $42,465,000 in 7 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, Doomsday!!! That's all that really should matter.

Until next weekend....

Rorschach looks badass!!!!

And Nite Owl looks a little like Batman. And GOB from Arrested Development, but that's Patrick Wilson's curse (blessing?) to live with. But also, badass!

And Silk Spectre just looks HOT!

RIP: Gary Gygax

It is with great sadness that I bring you the news about the passing of a man very dear to a lot of your hearts. Gary Gygax. AKA- The inventor of Dungeons and Dragons.

I've known many of the readers of this site to have been touched by this man's creations, sometimes for hour long marathons assisted only by a bottle of RC Cola and Dio's Greatest Hits in the basement of a friend. I've seen D&D bring together the strangest assembly of folks to all convene and roll oddly shaped dice. And I know that Tim has Jeep's birthright, still proudly displayed in his house so that his young son may one day grow up to become a dork like his old man. (And Cool Uncle Mike).

I fondly remember Gygax on an episode of Futurama, where he, Al Gore, Uhura from Star Trek and Stephen Hawking were an elite squad of fighters. At the end, the universe gets sucked into oblivion, and Gary teaches everyone to play D&D. I laughed heartily.

So gentlemen (let's be honest, it's gentlemen), roll your dice for a fallen homey this evening. 12-sided, please.

(20-sided is just too big)

I finally caught last week's SNL

I've enjoyed the return of Saturday Night Live. It makes me laugh. these were my favorites.

Sue me, I've been slacking

Yeah. I know. I'm a slacker. It's what I do best, to be honest with you. That and witty bon mots that sound so much more clever in my head than when actually verbalized.


(Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool guy.)

Most of the slack comes from my recent move, as I've gone from the swank Valley Village to the wonderland of Van Nuys. For those with knowledge of NJ, it's like going from Montclair to Belleville. So, yeah, I've been moving and unpacking and watching a lot of television on the new HDTV we have set up that is courtesy of our new roommate.

It's... it's so pretty. When moving in, we decided to "break it in" with a viewing of Predator. For a 21 year old movie, I've never seen it look better.

But enough excuses, I'm gonna post some random stuff here, and if I've forgotten anything, leave me a comment, and I'll get right back to you on it. Or not. Let's be honest.

So, here's a few links to reviews of movies I've seen recently: The Signal and Chicago 10. Later this week, I'll have a Paranoid Park review to go up, and one for All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. I've been writing them for the websites, but for some reason, I forget to post them up here. Which sucks, because The Signal is pretty fuckin great, and I failed to get the word out.

And here are some tiny capsule reviews that I may expand upon later:
JUMPER - Sucks Balls, but I was highly entertained by what a mess it was.
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY - Cried like a bitch. Very moving. I totally got into it.
BE KIND, REWIND - Absolutely loved this movie. Made me feel like I was 12 years old making movies in Rob's backyard again. It's not for everyone, but it pushed the right buttons with me. I'm working on my own Sweded version of Castaway right now. (I have a kickball with a picture of Owen Wilson on it, that's good enough).

Oh, Lost-speak. So, I was kind of far behind, but luckily the new roommate was smart enough to record Lost on the DVR (in HD, no less) and I finally caught up. Holy crap! While I enjoyed the odd twists behind Kate's story, I freakin LOVE what's going on with Desmond. This past episode was outstanding, and another reason why I think Lost is probably the best show on TV, despite what everyone tells me about Battlestar Galactica.

(Oh, but if one more person tells me I need to watch The fuckin' Wire, I'm gonna go buckwild up in this bitch. It's come to where I purposely avoid it just to irritate those who tell me what an amazing television show it is).

But yeah, Lost is kicking some ass, and I'm upset that it will end prematurely. But I'm sure T-Bone can tell us the deal with that.

Ummm.... I don't think I have anything else. Oh, my Diablo Cody fixation is up and running, spurred further by nude photos recently uncovered. (amazingly enough, AFTER the Oscar win.)



Yeah, I like her.

Box Office Report Fun Fact: This time last year, Wild Hogs was #1

Dude here again. Recovering from a Saturday filled with illness and macho movies on CInemax HD. Seriously. It started with the Conan movies. Then Gladiator. Followed by Braveheart. Then the premiere of 300. Let me tell you something about 300 in HD: It's FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!! Oh, right. Box office report.

This weekend, a few new movies opened up to low, low numbers. This will no doubt make executives cry. Which is sometimes a good thing, but really, studio executives have feelings, too. Mostly those feelings consist of hunger and exhaustion. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove this column wrong).

1. Semi-Pro (NL) - $15.2, 3121 screens, week 1, $15.2 total

2. Vantage Point (Sony)- $13.0, 3150 screens, week 2, $41.0 total

3. The Spiderwick Chronicles (Par) - $8.7, 3654 screens, week 3, $55.0 total

4. The Other Boleyn Girl (Sony) - $8.3, 1166 screens, week 1, $8.3 total

5. Jumper (Fox) - $7.6, 3128 screens, week 3, $66.8 total

6. Step Up 2 The Streets (BV)- $5.7, 2528 screens, week 3, $48.5 total

7. Fool's Gold (WB) - $4.6, 2845 screens, week 4, $59.0 total

8. Penelope (Sum) - $4.0, 1196 screens, week 1, $4.0 total

9. No Country For Old Men (Mira) - $4.0, 2037 screens, week 17, $69.5 total

10. Juno (FoxS) - $3.3, 1631 screens, week 13, $135.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? It means that New Line has had a terrible week. Aside from being absorbed into the larger Time Warner monolith and losing the creative forces behind the company (who have been doing it for nearly 40 years!), they had the number one movie of the week. It's also the number one movie with numbers far lower than expected. And a Will Ferrell movie, no less? It sounds fool proof, and yet somehow it didn't work. Regardless, thank you New Line, for bringing us Lord of the Rings, Nightmare on Elm Street, and all the flicks in between.

(Including the uber-BADASS movie Shoot 'Em Up, which really needs more respect from the world).

What else do we have here? The Other Boleyn Girl, a movie with Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson, that is not (I repeat NOT) rated NC-17, opened up to decent numbers for a movie with these two lovely ladies that doesn't include intimate moments between them. I'm sure I'm going to be dragged to this thing, but that's cool because Eric Bana is also in it, and he usually kicks a lot of ass. And Penelope opened up to not very good numbers. I know nothing of this movie aside from Christina Ricci is in it. And growing up, she and I had the same orthodontist.

The Academy Awards were last week, and Best Picture winner No Country climbed back on to the top ten, pretty much making the same amount as Penelope. This is the highest grossing Coen brothers film yet, and the most praised. Also staying in the top ten is Juno, winner of Best Screenplay. Mmmm... Diablo Cody.

Wait, how the hell has Jumper made $66 million?!?!?!

And in the "Because It's Rambo" series: Rambo, took in $235,000 on 402 screens, bringing it's grand total to $42,245,000 in 6 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, 10,000 BC!!! This movie is going to be amazing. And terrible. At the same exact time. I already have my ticket! It's this year's Transformers!!!

Until next weekend....