Saturday, September 30, 2006

Big Pimpin!!

Tonight, on Spike TV (you know, the network for men. And James Bond. And Blade, although I hear not anymore) there's a segment on the motion picture you've never heard of: Gamers.

Check it out, throw these cats some love.

DanSpeak 9-30-06

On the circle of life: I don't like pregnant women!

Happy National Steve Guttenberg Day!!!

I'm gonna celebrate like they did in the old country, and recite, word for word, the romantic poetry spewed forth from Lubba Murunga in Don't Tell Her It's Me.

That's how much I love the Gutte!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Too much damn brilliance.

At first there was the "Dan and Mike's #1 Fan" Wedding T-shirt.

Then came the "Koffee Kompanion" drinking mugs adorned with our mugs.

Then, a pillowcase, to help you fall asleep at night.

But nothing could prepare Dan's friends... for this.

Putting My Degree To Good Use

Research. Sometimes it just has to be done in the name of.. finding... things.. out and stuff.

It's useful in all aspects of life, whither it be to investigate the twelve steps of AA for a script, or to better help you understand what that rash REALLY is, and what you can do to help spread the infection.

It's also quite useful when you should be packing up the office, but instead full a bizarre urge to unearth long ago true crime stories. Such as this one.


n 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, who thought the ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police.

Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion and possession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Contrary to popular belief, this incident did not cause Domino's to pull the "Noid" campaign off the air; rather, Will Vinton Studios asked for a larger amount of money to continue animating the Noid commercials, and Domino's chose not to renew their contract.


Thank you, Wikipedia

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I just love it so damn much.

Try getting it out of your head now.

The Commercial (I hope)

I'm all for whoring myself out. Especially if Vitamin Water is concerned. But everry now and then, we have to whore out for our friends, who inadvertently sold themselves a long time ago.

If I can get it to work, I present to you a commercial starring Dan, my oft abused roommate. (He's the guy getting some).

Here's hoping.

UPDATE: It didn't work.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

To bring it around full circle...

I found the clip from The Simpsons the other night. Let's have some fun and see if Fox gets pissed and asks me to take this down.

But you can't. You just can't fight the internet. Because you can do anything you want. Anything at all on the internet.

For the record, I LOVE the expressions on Jack White's face.

Also for aforementioned record, I still have just as big a crush on cartoon Meg White as the real one.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Oh happy day! Ok, so maybe it's looking more like a reenactment of the 2000 series, but you bet your ass we're gonna bring it.

Monday, September 18, 2006

A little White Stripes for your Monday

I was inspired by the gag on the Simpsons last night. I thought that was very well done.

The rest of the episode had it's moments, but I thought the White Stripes gag was the bees knees.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I'm obsessed with the Craigslist "Missed Connection" section. It's crazy, and I wish I could explain it. In theory, it's a brilliant idea: Post a message for someone you might have seen or ran into but forgot to get a number or make a move. Basically, it's a place for cowards. However, reading most of these posts turns out to be some of the craziest shit I read. It's nice to think that there are people out there who consider themselves such hopeless romantics that they actually believe posting here will work. Foolish, yet oddly comforting. But most of these people are clutching at straws. And a fair amount aer perverts who happened to catch a chick's thong peering out when she was walking out of Trader Joe's.

(It needs to be noted that a fair amount of these postings (for the LA listings, anyway) center around a chain of grocery stores called Trader Joe's. This is because, for reasons unknown and unexplained by even Professor Stephen Hawking himself, there are always hot women at Trader Joe's. Seriously. Anytime of day. Any location. It's amazing. So naturally, in addition to these hot women, you have your basic male nerd shut in, who lives on the computer and can only muster enough energy to peel himself away from pixilated prostitutes (There are ads for hookers on Craigslist, too) to get the much loved, oft-mocked Two Buck Chuck available at their local TJ and take in the eye candy, only to rush back home and post about their "Missed Connection" fifteen minutes later).

But today, I found something stupid. And I had to share. I actually found a chain letter as a post.

Here it is:

Girl Facts:

When you break a girls heart,
she still feels it when
you run into eachother 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
she is wondering how long you will be

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
she wants you back, but she's
scared she'll get hurt and knows
your gone forever

Guy Facts:

When a guy calls u
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few
he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and
if you do?

When you're laying your head on a guy's
he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday
he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you
he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you
he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else

repost this in 10 minutes and your true
love will
call you


In ten minutes, if my true love DOES call me, I'll rescind this entire post and make my way over to Trader joe's as soon as humanly possible.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

The Protector. aka TOM YUM GOONG!!!!

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior kicks an unholy amount of arse. If you've never seen it, put that shyte on the top of your Netflix queue. Right now. I'm serious. So help me Brian Dennehy, I AM SERIOUS.


Now, this weekend The Weinstein Company, along with that great banner "Quentin Tarantino Presents", will unleash the next Tony Jaa masterpiece, The Protector. I saw this movie as Tom Yum Goong, procured as a bootleg about a year ago. I wrote a review for expressing great pleasure with the film. Since it's out this weekend, I'm gonna be lazy and just repost the old review.

Keep in mind, the version I saw did not include the QT approved soundtrack from the RZA, which I can only imagine is fan-freakin-tastic.


Awhile back, I wrote a screenplay, for what I then considered to be the most brilliant movie of all time. It's called Burger Academy 2 The Vengeance. Every page is comic gold. Seriously, if I printed the script out on leaves of gold paper, I could buy the world over. THRICE! It's that brilliant. But now, I must accept the fact that BA2TV (as I affectionately call it) is only the SECOND most brilliant film of all time. That first honor goes to Tom Yum Goong.

Tony Jaa is back, doing what he does best: KICKING YOUR ASS!!! And you know what? You're gonna take it. And love every minute of it.

So, the movie begins with a young version of Tony Jaa, and it shows the loving relationship the simple village boy has with his elephant. Yes, I said elephant. The elephant has a son, who also befriends Tony Jaa. Then, some bad dudes steal both elephants. And shoot Tony Jaa's Dad.

Then, at the 18 minute mark, Tony Jaa prays. I imagine he's praying to Odin to grant him the strength and serenity to kick everybody's ass, and the blessing to get away with it. And then, he starts fighting.

And it's beautiful.

Even more so than Ong Bak. If you can believe that. Seriously, Ong Bak had some pretty awesome set pieces, but Tom Yum Goong blows it out of the water. Granted, Tony Jaa doesn't JUMP THROUGH BARBED WIRE, but then again, Ong Bak didn't have a long tracking shot as Tony Jaa goes up a rounded staircase, kicking everybody's ass the whole time. He's unstoppable.

Oh my god, there's a scene where he breaks, like, thirty guys arms in a row. Seriously. I'll repeat that in capital letters. THE MAN BREAKS THRITY DUDES' ARMS IN A ROW!! It's sick as hell.

And the best part is, right before he starts some shyte, he says "Where's My Elephant?!?" And you know as soon as he says that, somebody's crotch is getting booted.


Also, the funny guy from Ong Bak is back. And he's funny. But it doesn't matter, because it gives you a nice breather for the next round of ridiculous awesomeness. Seriously. This movie is awesome. I don't know when it's coming out. I'm not going to tell you how I found it. But you must see this movie. It's insane that a movie this, dare I say, RAD, exists in our times, but let's face facts. It did come out. And it will kick your ass hard.

Holy shit, this movie is cool.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

DanSpeak 9-7-06

On our new budle of joy, the XBox 360: It's.... it's so beautiful.

A point in a funny direction

I have to point you all over to this post from "How To Write Scripts. Badly." if only for the one line "It's an indie movie, for the love of Braff".


Sorry for the delay

Hey everybody. I've recently fallen ill to a virus. But then I kicked that virus square in the junk and laughed. It was no match for my tiger style.

But seriously, I was a wreck, and it wasn't pretty. However, it must be pointed out that it was not Strep throat, as I feared it was. My friend got the strep, but I didn't. And I think I know why?

It's because of the lemons.

Maybe it wasn't so bad afterall.

Anyway, I'm on the road to recovery, and I wanted to just say a quick few words.

1) See Crank and Idiocracy. Both are hilarious. And a hell of a lot of fun. Idiocracy will be harder to find, as it was only released in 7 cities (LA, Seattle, Austin, Toronto, Chicago, and two more that aren't New York City). I have no idea the story as to why, because it's a Mike Judge movie, and it's just as funny as Office Space. I'll write more about both these flicks soon, but I just wanted to say that they are well worth it.

(For that matter, so is Science of Sleep, the new flick by Michel Gondry, but I'm not allowed to write about it, or say if I specifically LOVED THIS MOVIE until it's release next week).

2) Mets... let's not lose it guys!

3) The Vida interview I did for moviesonline, which is why it's up here. Never would I just randomly decide that anyone involved with Dorm Daze 2 should be given a shout out from my blog. But I did the work, and I'm an ego whore.

4) Can't say enough good things about Nip/Tuck. Although, this third season is a bit off base. They've made some pretty poor choices, but it's still hanging on. I'm almost caught up with the third season, meaning I can ease smoothly into season 4, currently on FX on Tuesdays at 10.

5) You bet your ass I haven't forgotten about Lost. Let's get the theories rolling again. Brady and T-Bone, I'm looking squarely at you.


(It should also be noted that Dan, he of DanSpeak, and I took the next logical step that two single bachelors who have lived together for three years would do and jointly purchased an Xbox 360, on which we play this amazing game. And next week comes Lego Star Wars 2!)

7) In the "they put disclaimers up there for a reason" category, I wanted to proudly proclaim that I succeeded in my two times doingthe "Strikeout" as described in Beerfest. (Which is the only movie I've seen twice this year). Do not attempt at home, kiddies. In fact, grown-ups shouldn't either. The frightening part is that I took to it rather well. Like I was meant to do them. As if it were my purpose on this planet. And in life.

INTERVIEW! With Vida! (You know... "the ass girl")

Hello folks out there in the internet movie fan land! it's your favorite and mine, The Dude here, with another one of my fascinating interviews. This time, the victim is stunningly gorgeous Vida Guerra. Known across the country from her spreads in men's magazines like FHM (which bestowed upon her the "Greatest Butt" award, amongst countless others involving the word "Hottest"), Vida is branching out and doing the whole acting route, beginning with National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2 (now available on DVD). This woman is quite hot. How hot? I brushed my teeth twice, combed my hair, shaved, wore a tie AND pants, everything I could possible do to look good, and it was merely a phone interview.

Enough of my rambling, let's hear what Vida Guerra has to say. (Told in typical fashion by The Dude).

The Dude: I'd like to begin by thanking you for almost getting me fired. While doing some research about you for this, I went to your website ( and my co-workers thought I was looking up porn.

Vida: (Laughter. Genuine laughter, I swear)

The Dude: So how did Dorm Daze 2 come about? Were they seeking you, were you seeking them?

Vida: They were after me. They sent an email to my manager because they really wanted me to do it. So I did.

The Dude: (Long pause) Ah, that's it. C'mon, I got a word count to fill here. (Laughter) Can you tell me about your character in the film?

Vida: I play a virgin named Violet, who is debating whether or not to go all the way with her boyfriend.

The Dude: A virgin deciding whether or not to go all the way. Any chest waxing scenes?

Vida: That's good, that's funny. No, no chest waxing.

The Dude: Marvelous. So... do you go all the way and lose your virginity?

Vida: You have to wait and see for yourself.

The Dude: So, as a virgin, do you have to wear a lot of conservative clothes.

Vida: Yes. It's ugly. Like nothing I've ever worn in my entire life.

The Dude: Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen a picture of you wearing pants, so this...

Vida: I have pants. They fit very tight.

The Dude: I bet. So Dorm Dazed decides to play with the convention a little bit...

Vida: Yeah, it's fun because people would expect me to play the real sexy role, and this is FAR from it.

The Dude: You get to play a dork! Alright, way to go! Welcome!

Vida: My character starts an abstinence class on campus. It's called "Abstinence is Awesome!"

The Dude: Do you have any good juicy stories from the set you can share?

Vida: No.

The Dude: You know you wanna...

Vida: I'll tell you this: We were shooting on the Queen Mary {Old ship docked down in Long Beach} and I was actually the only person STAYING there, to sleep at night. And that boat is haunted. Every night I kept hearing creepy voices. It could be just because it's an old ship, but it still happened, and it was still a little scary.

The Dude: This happened every night?

Vida: Yeah. And the first night I was there, I saw this giant shadow on the wall, a white shadow, and I thought it was a ghost. I was a little scared.

The Dude: It freaked you out a little bit, huh? Did you sleep much during the shoot?

Vida: Oh yeah.

The Dude: Do you have any other upcoming films?

Vida: I have one coming up. I play a character named Angel, and she's a singer. She falls in love with this guy who doesn't know who she is, and she loves it.

The Dude: Do you sing in it?

Vida: Yes.

The Dude: You do your own singing?

Vida: Oh yeah. I have a CD coming out, too. Yes, I sing.

The Dude: You're an unbelievably successful model, you're taking the movies by storm, and now music. Multi-hyphenate. What kind of music do you sing?

Vida: It's got some R&B, some Latin influences, that kind of feel. It's hot.

The Dude: Cool, cool. Going back to the movies, are there any other kinds of roles you want to play?

Vida: I wanna play a super hero! Like an action role. I like the action.

The Dude: You wanna get on those wires.

Vida: Right, right. I did my own stunts for the last movie. It's awesome.

The Dude: Lots of bruises?

Vida: Not really. There's padding.

The Dude: Awesome. Were the stunt guys proud?

Vida: They were.

The Dude: Of course they were. Let me ask you something: Everywhere on this interweb thing, I find articles and images of you with titles like "World's Sexiest Woman" or "Best Booty", things of that ilk. Do you find it difficult in the business with these attachments?

Vida: It hasn't been a problem at all. I mean, I don't know what they say after I leave the room, but it's never been a problem.

The Dude: They're probably just catching their breath. I wouldn't doubt that. Have you ever been interviewed where a person DOESN'T ask the booty question? Like you go the whole interview and it's never addressed, and thus it's mildly shocking?

Vida: I've never really noticed.

The Dude: I briefly considered saving that question for last, to inspire the hope that I wouldn't ask, but I guess it doesn't make that much of a difference. Do a lot of interviewers ask you out?

Vida: No.

The Dude: Would you like to go and get a drink sometime?

Vida: (Laughs heartily)

The Dude: Maybe go bowling.

Vida: Wait, bowling?

The Dude: Yeah bowling. What's wrong with bowling? I carry a ball in my car at all times just in case. (All true, by the way. What do you expect? I'm the Dude!)

Vida: Nothing's wrong. I like bowling. I'm actually pretty good at it.

The Dude: You could probably kick my ass.

Vida: Probably.

The Dude: Nice. (long pause). you understand, I had to try, right?

Vida: (Laughs) Yes!

The Dude: Ok then. I understand you are a Jersey Girl. I myself, am a jersey guy, so I thought I'd finish up the interview with some Jersey-centric questions. First off: Springstein or Bon Jovi?

Vida: Bon Jovi.

The Dude: Whoa. Didn't expect that one. Ok, do you know what a "jughandle" is?

Vida: Of course.

The Dude: Do people mock you for knowing?

Vida: Not at all.

The Dude: I get mocked all the time for it. Do you know what "disco fries" are?

Vida: Disco Fries?

The Dude: With the mozzerella cheese and the gravy...

Vida: Oh yeah.

The Dude: Not to many of those out West Coast. It's ridiculous.

Vida: Really?

The Dude: Oh yeah. By the way, did you notice my Jersey accent pop through as I asked those?

Vida: I never hear the Jersey accent at all. I never really paid attention to how people speak. Although I do pronounce it "coffee".

{Dude's note: Obviously, the pronunciation of the word "coffee" loses translation on the written page, but she says it like I do, which most people will mock me for}

The Dude: Alright, final statement. I need you to tell every red-blooded male out there reading this why they need to stop whatever it is they're doing right now to go and see Dorm Daze 2.

Vida: It's a hot movie. It has hot chicks in it.

The Dude: That works!

There you have it. Thanks again to Vida for her time, and remember that Dorm Daze 2 is now available at your local video outlet. Or however it is that you get videos I never got to ask her, in the Jersey questions, Yankees or Mets, but I have a gut feeling she would have said Yankees. Which is why we can never be.

I need to point out two real quick things. First off, if you go to, you might want to do it in a private place, because people will think you're looking at porn. And secondly, did you notice how when I asked her out, she didn't technically say no?!? Just sayin', it might be time for me practice my bowling. So i can be beat by a hot girl. Until next time...

Friday, September 01, 2006

A Public Service Announcement, courtesy of Broken Lizard:

Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you know by now the number one film in America this weekend was MIRACLE 2: FOOTBALL BOOGALOO. As you probably also know BEERFEST is fucking great. You've seen our comment board, you've talked to your friends, you've probably already seen the movie.

So you're probably asking yourself how did a football comedy beat out a Broken Lizard movie???

Well here's your answer...

It doesn't fucking matter.

What matters now is that YOU keep BEERFEST in theaters so that your friends, and everyone else in the world will get to see BEERFEST on the big screen. This is a grassroots comedy campaign of epic proportions. We are asking YOU, the fans, to mobilize and get the word out about BEERFEST. Here are 10 things you can do to spread the word:


2.) Copy & Paste this message into an email and tell all of your friends to see BEERFEST this week. And then tell them to forward it along.

3.) Blog this message or throw it up on your website.

4.) Send a MySpace Comment to a friend telling them to go see BEERFEST.

5.) Poke a friend on Facebook and then tell them about BEERFEST.

6.) Buy a ticket for BEERFEST, then walk into another movie and tell everyone in that theater to go see BEERFEST instead.

7.) Put the poster up as your default picture on MySpace

8.) Text message all the numbers in your cell phone with "BEERFEST"

9.) Throw a BEERFEST party. Round up your friends, drink some brew, go see the movie, repeat.

10.) When a telemarketer calls you, instead of them selling you something, you sell them on BEERFEST.

The power is your hands people. Visit us at our MySpace page and update us with your efforts.

We sincerely appreciate all of your support.