Saturday, September 09, 2006

The Protector. aka TOM YUM GOONG!!!!

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior kicks an unholy amount of arse. If you've never seen it, put that shyte on the top of your Netflix queue. Right now. I'm serious. So help me Brian Dennehy, I AM SERIOUS.

Good.

Now, this weekend The Weinstein Company, along with that great banner "Quentin Tarantino Presents", will unleash the next Tony Jaa masterpiece, The Protector. I saw this movie as Tom Yum Goong, procured as a bootleg about a year ago. I wrote a review for Moviesonline.ca expressing great pleasure with the film. Since it's out this weekend, I'm gonna be lazy and just repost the old review.

Keep in mind, the version I saw did not include the QT approved soundtrack from the RZA, which I can only imagine is fan-freakin-tastic.

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Awhile back, I wrote a screenplay, for what I then considered to be the most brilliant movie of all time. It's called Burger Academy 2 The Vengeance. Every page is comic gold. Seriously, if I printed the script out on leaves of gold paper, I could buy the world over. THRICE! It's that brilliant. But now, I must accept the fact that BA2TV (as I affectionately call it) is only the SECOND most brilliant film of all time. That first honor goes to Tom Yum Goong.

Tony Jaa is back, doing what he does best: KICKING YOUR ASS!!! And you know what? You're gonna take it. And love every minute of it.

So, the movie begins with a young version of Tony Jaa, and it shows the loving relationship the simple village boy has with his elephant. Yes, I said elephant. The elephant has a son, who also befriends Tony Jaa. Then, some bad dudes steal both elephants. And shoot Tony Jaa's Dad.

Then, at the 18 minute mark, Tony Jaa prays. I imagine he's praying to Odin to grant him the strength and serenity to kick everybody's ass, and the blessing to get away with it. And then, he starts fighting.

And it's beautiful.

Even more so than Ong Bak. If you can believe that. Seriously, Ong Bak had some pretty awesome set pieces, but Tom Yum Goong blows it out of the water. Granted, Tony Jaa doesn't JUMP THROUGH BARBED WIRE, but then again, Ong Bak didn't have a long tracking shot as Tony Jaa goes up a rounded staircase, kicking everybody's ass the whole time. He's unstoppable.

Oh my god, there's a scene where he breaks, like, thirty guys arms in a row. Seriously. I'll repeat that in capital letters. THE MAN BREAKS THRITY DUDES' ARMS IN A ROW!! It's sick as hell.

And the best part is, right before he starts some shyte, he says "Where's My Elephant?!?" And you know as soon as he says that, somebody's crotch is getting booted.

Then THIRTY GUYS GET THEIR FREAKIN' ARMS BROKEN!!! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!!!

Also, the funny guy from Ong Bak is back. And he's funny. But it doesn't matter, because it gives you a nice breather for the next round of ridiculous awesomeness. Seriously. This movie is awesome. I don't know when it's coming out. I'm not going to tell you how I found it. But you must see this movie. It's insane that a movie this, dare I say, RAD, exists in our times, but let's face facts. It did come out. And it will kick your ass hard.

Holy shit, this movie is cool.

3 comments:

Becca said...

This leads me to the question ... what's the deal with the new Jet Li movie? They keep saying it's his last martial arts epic or something? I <3 Jet Li

Formerly, The Dude Spoke said...

It's his last martial arts "epic", which is supposed to imply that he's no longer making those lavish historical dramas with kung fu mixed in. (Like the, as you once put it Becca, "most beautiful movie I've ever seen," Hero.)

That just means we get more futuristic Jet Li movies that co-star Jason Statham, which will make Dave Hyde quite happy.

But Tony Jaa is there for us in the interim. Ong Bak and The Protector are ridiculously amazing movies. I should be there watching them at midnight with y'all.

Becca said...

just found out this past weekend that Colin has a copy of Tom Yum Goong. I'm going to go watch it soon.