Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm sure a lot of you want to know things

By things, I mean my opinions of recent motion pictures. That's usually what I mean. And as usual, I have a glorious excuse for my lack of posting. It's a two-fold excuse, in which the 2 primary ingredients are my day job combined with laziness. We've discussed the laziness and the procrastination in a post last year, involving Grand Theft Auto. But my day job has been, once again, sucking the lifeforce out of me, like that vampire alien who sucked energy out of people in that movie Lifeforce.

(Fun fact: After writing that post about Grand Theft Auto IV, I have since played the game only one more time).

I'll get more into my job a little later down the line, once the project is wrapping up and I can talk more freely about it. I will say the awesome thing about is that is stars James "Dawson" Van Der Beek, and he's kind of the poor man's Matt Damon in this movie. And I mean that as a compliment. Because dude's kicking a lot of ass. I predict a comeback for the Dawson, or at the very least, a monster truck named after him, simply called "Vanderbeek", and it has a giant eagle on it.

No, seriously, he kicks so much ass I was obligated to temp score his fight scenes to music from Death Race. So, that's pretty badass.

I've definitely seen a lot of movies lately, and I wanted to give you all some nutshell tweeners, or "NUTWEENERS!" as I have some unfortunately dubbed them. I'll start from what I just saw and work my way back. I'm sure I'll forget something.

I Love You, Man
: This is a pretty great movie. It's really funny, but it has a lot of uncomfortable humor that makes it a lot of squirm inducing fun. On top of which, I feel that perhaps I should force my vendetta a little more towards Jason Segel's way, as I feel I'm probably going to wind up just like him in this movie, sans vespa. Still, a very funny, very honest, good time.

: Yeah, I never really got into my opinion of this movie. I'll tell you this: As a movie, I thought it was pretty fucking amazing. I loved the look of the movie, I thought certain sequences just kicked major ass (T-Bone puts it best when he says "I could watch an entire movie of Roarschach in prison"), I thought the acting was pretty good, with Jackie Earle Haley kicking major amounts of ass, and Malin Ackerman not annoying me as much as I thought she would. I thought the score was pretty cool and worked well, but a lot of the source music cues were bizarre and off putting. Regardless, I thought it was an outstanding film, and I can't wait to see it again on IMAX if I still can.

That being said, I can't honestly think of a reason why this movie should exist. I'm happy it does, but I still don't understand why.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li: This movie is pretty terrible. Almost face meltingly awful, especially whenever Chris Klein comes on screen. I wish more of my friends have seen this, so that I could end conversations with "Nash Out"! Oh my. This will make for a great double feature with something much cooler, but equally as terrible. Probably 12 Rounds. This movie is pretty awful, be warned.

Coraline: I loved this movie also. it's dark and twisted enough to hold my attention, but it still captures childhood well. The visuals are a treat (I caught it in 3_d and it kind of blew my mind) and the music is so tasty, I actually went on to iTunes, and legally purchased the soundtrack! first time I ever did that. (Probably the last time, too). It's my favorite movie I've seen this year.

Doubt: Yeah, so it's from last year, and I'm late to the party on it. It's pretty damn solid, though. Well worth checking out. Especially for Phillip Seymour Hoffman going on about how he likes to keep his nails a little long, but clean.

The International: This movie was stupid. Except for the gunfight in the Guggenheim museum, which kicks a supreme amount of ass. then it's back to nonsense. There is a brilliant line in the film, though. "The great thing about fiction is that it doesn't have to make sense". Or something along those lines. Maybe it was non-fiction. But see how stupid these thoughts are? Imagine a 2 hour movie just as dumb, and you get a sense of The International.

Friday the 13th:
This movie has got some problems. As far as Michael Bay-produced horror remakes go, it's fine. It's certainly the best looking movie to bear the name Friday the 13th. But this movie is pretty stupid, too. However, I give it credit for one bizarre choice: Apparently Jason grows pot. I'm not sure if he uses this to lure the kids his way, like a hormonal teen catnip, or if he's merely just a farmer trying to protect his land and his crop. I prefer this second option, as it makes his murders justified. Get your own damn pot, hippies, this is Jason's bad-ass chronic stash.

Kinda makes you wish they'd do a film mash-up of Friday, with Ice Cube and Chris Tucker, and this movie. That idea kinda makes me wish I had Photoshop skills.

This movie loses points, however, when the kids stop to get gas and start pumping it themselves. Being that the movie takes place in New Jersey, the filmmakers should have done their homework, as NJ is a state where you are not allowed to pump your own gas. (This fact has become fodder for many an East Coast open mic night stand-up routine). This lack of attention to detail took me out of the reality of the movie. Not the beheadings.

Fanboys: If ever there was a movie that screamed out to me, it would be this movie. Well, technically, it would be this movie if they let me make it. Because what we have here is a bizarre mess of a movie that's not really funny, not really touching, and sort of a broad perspective on Star Wars fanaticism. It needed to go deeper, in all aspects. And Dan Fogler made the list of dudes taking my life and putting it up on screen, as he drives around in a van and listens to Rush. Which as we all know is my lifelong dream. Regardless, this movie's not really that worth it, which is a shame because it should be awesome.

(The last line of the movie is pretty classic, though).

My friend Omar texted me in the middle of the movie to confirm that this is ndeed the most kick ass movie of the year. My own mother loved it. This movie will kick your ass hard. Why haven't you seen it yet? Liam Neeson will get angry with you, and he's had a hell of a year so far. (Too soon?) Anyway, see Taken.

Outlander: I've been meaning to write something up about this movie for awhile. It's a movie where vikings team up with a good alien, played by Jesus, and together they fight an evil alien. It's a pretty badass movie. I have two complaints about the movie: It needed to be even MORE badass, and they if ever a movie is BEGGING to star Karl Urban, it is Outlander.

However, it has Ron Perlman swinging giant war hammers on dudes' heads. That sounds pretty terrific right there, doesn't it? And believe me, it is. If this movie had twice the budget, I'm sure it could've done all the cool things a logline pitch of "Vikings vs. Aliens" stirs up in my imagination. Alas, this is the movie we get, although it kicks you in the man-zone hardcore, so it's got that going for it.

What makes my viewing of Outlander so ridiculous is the circumstances under which I saw the film. It was only released on 81 screens, and none of those screens were in the greater Los Angeles area. Having just come off a terrible working experience, and finding myself with a day off, Dan and I decided to drive down to San Diego, the closest location Outlander was playing. As it turns out, the theater was about a mile and a half away from the Mexican border. Which is how I drove straight to Mexico to see a movie where vikings fight an alien.

And that is why I am your hero.



R.BillMountain said...

I demand a mashup where Liam Neeson from Taken accidentally targets Jason Bourne, and they can only use handtowels and books to kick the sh*t out of each other for 90 minutes.

BTW, saw Zack & Miri...yeah, you should sue Rogen for obviously stalking and then impersonating you in films.

Formerly, The Dude Spoke said...

My buddy Ryan is convinced that I should start aiming my sights on Jason Segal after his I Love You Man performance.

I think Neeson's character should run afoul of Frank Martin aka The Transporter. And Tony Jaa.

In District B-13.