You say you wanna see a movie?

You say you're tired of the studio crap that's been pumped down our throat all summer? That you desire to see a movie full of blood, guts, and destruction? And considerable amounts of nubile flesh?

Then you wanna see Piranha 3D.

Answer Yes or No to whether you like these things in movies about ravenous aquatic wildlife attacking spring break coeds:

Obvious Jaws references.

Underwater Nude Ballet.

Elizabeth Shue, still looking good.

Ving Rhames mowing down killer piranha with an outboard motor.

Eli Roth's head being crushed by a boat…

In 3D.

Underwater Nude Ballet featuring Kelly Brook.

Endless scenes of spring break carnage.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD SHOUTING EVERY LINE!!!

Lots of eviscerated flesh.

Adam Scott on a jet ski with a shotgun.

A scene that involves a killer fish burping up breast implants and something far more grotesque.

Underwater Nude Ballet featuring Kelly Brook... in 3D!!!

(With that chick!)

Seriously, if you answered "No" to any of these movies, go eat pray and love somewhere else. For the rest of us people who like movies, enjoy the hell out of Piranha 3D.

Box Office Report: We'll probably have more exorcisms now

Dude here again. Can you believe the summer movie season is almost over? Doesn't it seem like just last week when we were talking about how every movie this summer sucks, and there's nothing worthy of coming out, except for maybe Inception and Expendables? And here we are, a whole summer has passed us by.

And we're still making arguments that a lot of the movies this summer sucked.

This weekend, the estimates are giving us a neck-and-neck race. Whose ego will prevail victorious? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Last Exorcism (LGF) - $21.3, 2874 screens, week 1, $21.3 total

2. Takers (ScrGms)- $21.0, 2206 screens, week 1, $21.0 total

3. The Expendables (LGF)- $9.5, 3398 screens, week 3, $82.0 total

4. Eat Pray Love (Sony) - $7.0, 3108 screens, week 3, $60.7 total

5. The Other Guys (Sony) - $6.6, 3181 screens, week 4, $99.3 total

6. Vampires Suck (Fox) $5.3, 3233 screens, week 2, $27.9 total

7. Inception (WB)- $5.1, 2070 screens, week 7, $270.7 total

8. Nanny McPhee Returns (Uni)- $4.7, 2798 screens, week 2, $17.0 total

9. The Switch (Mir) - $4.6, 2017 screens, week 2, $16.4 total

10. Piranha 3D (Dim)- $4.3, 2491 screens, week 2, $18.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that somehow, our collective audience viewing habits couldn't decide between the standard late-August horror fare thats served up to us, or Heat-lite starring two of the most wooden actors in the history of the game. The Last Exorcism, which I hear is quite effective, seemed to be on track with a large Friday haul, but Takers seems to be making money as well, which fascinates me because that movie looks like a junior high brandy ad. Real numbers will prove the winner, but this is another of those races where whoever wins, we lose.

The Expendables and Eat Pray Love continue their dance, sweeping up the remains. Meanwhile, all the other big releases from last week (five of them!) have settled down to the bottom of the chart. And sure, everybody's pulling in some money, but it's comparatively weak sauced compared to previous years.

Although it seems according to this chart that the top nineteen movies all grossed at least a million dollars, which is nothing to be ashamed about. To give you perspective, Step UP 3-D made $1.2 million dollars in three days, where as I made $262 in 3 days with my wonderfully shitty job. Justice: Hollywood Style!

Fun Fact: Only one movie in the top ten features a nude underwater ballet and a scene where a fish burps out a digested human penis. Not so fun fact- that movie is at the bottom of the list, not at the top where images like that belong. (Take that, Nolan).

Below the radar, James Cameron decided he wanted some more money, and released a special edition of Avatar, you remember that one, right? The movie about the blue hippies who want to save the world in 3D? Anyway, there are a few new scenes in the film, which means hot rapey blue firewire cable scenes! Anyway, the public was mostly not having that, having spent so much money seeing it in theaters earlier this year then buying the crappy bare bones Blu Ray, so it only made $4.0 million. just slightly less than Pirahna 3-D, which is the superior motion picture due to blood, nudity, and time factors.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Machete comes to own us all! And Clooney's got a new movie which mean it's time for serious movie season to start!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Box Office Re..EXPENDABLES AGAIN, MUTHAF@#KAS!!!

Dude here again. Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel a-li-i-i-ive! And the world, turn it inside out, I'm floating around, in ecstasy. So don't… stop me now. Cause I'm having a good time.

Havin a good time.

This weekend, those expendable folk continue to kick our collective asses, in addition to the asses of five, (count 'em FIVE) new releases. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Expendables (LGF)- $16.5, 3270 screens, week 2, $64.8 total

2. Vampires Suck (Fox) $12.2, 3233 screens, week 1, $18.5 total (Wed open)

3. Eat Pray Love (Sony) - $12.0, 3082 screens, week 2, $47.1 total

4. Lottery Ticket (WB)- $11.1, 1973 screens, week 1, $11.1 total

5. The Other Guys (Sony) - $10.1, 3472 screens, week 3, $88.1 total

6. Piranha 3D (Dim)- $10.0, 2470 screens, week 1, $10.0 total

7. Nanny McPhee Returns (Uni)- $8.3, 2784 screens, week 1, $8.3 total

8. The Switch (Mir) - $8.1, 2012 screens, week 1, $8.1 total

9. Inception (WB)- $7.6, 2401 screens, week 6, $261.8 total

10. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Uni) - $5.0, 2820 screens, week 2, $20.7 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that we now need to put Dolph Lundgren in more movies. Because He's the greatest thing in that movie, and that movie is the #1 movie for 2 weeks in a row. KICKING YOUR ASS!!!

They actually released a movie with the title "Vampires Suck", fittingly accompanied by the Fox fanfare, and it managed to make $18 million, which is cause for shame for everybody who bought a ticket, unless you were underage kids buying tickets to a PG-13 movie so you could sneak into Expendables.

In which case shame on you for not buying tickets to Scott Pilgrim instead. It needs the money and totally deserves it more. (+100 pts AWESOME)

All the new releases seemed to settle around in this odd $8-$12 million range. Respectable for the dog days of summer, but next week will show if anybody cares to see any of these flicks. I'm betting Lottery Ticket and Piranha 3D.  

Fun Fact: Sixteen movies made at least $1 million this weekend. Including that Cats and Dogs sequel.

Below the radar, highly acclaimed documentary The Tillman Story, took in $52,400 on 4 screens. And other highly acclaimed documentary A Film Unfinished took in $37,500, also on 4 screens. There were a lot more indie releases, but they didn't report anything/ So eff them. 

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, I don't know. Probably a horror movie. And something else that's probably stupid. I think Avatar's coming back, too, with a full on creepy neon blue sex scene.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Lest us not forget that there is a 3-D movie coming out about killer pirahna!

This and Jackass 3-D kind of make it all worthwhile.

Piranha 3D: For Your Consideration from Piranha 3D

6 out of 6 Men Agree...

The Expendables is a solid 2 & 1/2 star picture.

But it becomes a 4 star picture whenever Dolph Lundgren is onscreen.

Box Office Re..EXPENDABLES, MUTHAF@#KAS!

Dude here again. Had to take another week off. It turns out, I couldn't contain my excitement for The Expendables anymore, and I just had to go out to a shack in the woods and meditate. Then on Friday when it was released, I broke my two week vow of silence to journey to the theater to see it.

it was sold out.

Son of a...

This weekend, they came, they saw, they kicked some ass over eating, praying, and loving. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Expendables (LGF)- $35.0, 3270 screens, week 1, $35.0 total

2. Eat Pray Love (Sony) - $23.7, 3082 screens, week 1, $23.7 total

3. The Other Guys (Sony) - $18.0, 3651 screens, week 2, $70.5 total

4. Inception (WB)- $11.3, 3120 screens, week 5, $248.5 total

5. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Uni) - $10.5, 2818 screens, week 1, $10.5 total

6. Despicable Me (Uni)- $6.7, 2923 screens, week 6, $221.9 total

7. Step Up 3-D (BV)- $6.6, 2439 screens, week 2, $29.5 total

8. Salt (Sony) - $6.35, 2834 screens, week 4, $103.5 total

9. Dinner For Schmucks (Par/DW) $6.31, 3046 screens, week 3, $58.8 total

10. Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore (WB)- $4.0, 2728 screens, week 3, $35.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that that the rest of the country agrees with my 13-year old self (and our dads) as The Expendables vaults past the competition, decimating everything in it's path.

Eat Pray Love. Second Place Fine. Word Of Mouth Strong. Strong Second Week. Mark My Words.

I realize that everybody was out seeing the movie where shit blows up, but couldn't anyone give more love to Scott Pilgrim? Edgar Wriight makes good flicks, he deserves your love, and I'm sure he's made a terrific motion picture, he hasn't failed us yet.

Just like Nolan.

Fun Fact: For the scene where Mark Wahlberg shoots Derek Jeter alone, The Other guys is the now officially the GREATEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

Below the radar, highly acclaimed import Animal Kingdom. featuring Guy Pearce is a no-doubt badass performance, took in $64,000 on 7 screens. Good considering the reviews, but not nearly as impressive as per screen as Expendables, proving once and for all that Expendables is the superior motion picture of this weekend. Oh yeah!

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we finally get the 3-D movie we deserve. And some other nonsense that involves Ice Cube.

Until next weekend....

(Yeah, it's a pizza with cheeseburgers on it)
(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

You Need To See This Again

Box Office Report: Once... Twice... Three Times a Lady!

Dude here again. Had myself a nice vacation, unplugged from the internet. It was refreshing, and mildly disturbing. Like picking off a scab. But that's neither here nor there, I have numbers to report!

But for what it's worth, I'm still really bummed I didn't get to use the headline "SALT LICKED!" last weekend.

This weekend, if we were bowling, I'd say Nolan has himself a turkey. But we're not bowling. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Inception (WB)- $27.5, 3545 screens, week 3, $193.3 total

2. Dinner For Schmucks (Par/DW) $23.3, 2911 screens, week 1, $23.3 total

3. Salt (Sony) - $19.2, 3612 screens, week 2, $70.8 total

4. Despicable Me (Uni)- $15.5, 3602 screens, week 4, $190.3 total

5. Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore (WB)- $12.5, 3705 screens, week 1, $12.5 total

6. Charlie St. Cloud (Uni) - $12.1, 2718 screens, week 1, $12.1 total

7. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $5.0, 2105 screens, week 7, $389.6 total

8. Grown Ups (Sony) - $4.5, 2269 screens, week 6, $150.7 total

9. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (BV)- $4.3, 2524 screens, week 3, $51.8 total

10. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $3.9, 2334 screens, week 5, $288.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that if we were playing hockey, people would throw their hats on the ice for Christopher Nolan. Am I using these sports metaphors properly? I don't know of these things. Is that top still spinning?

The Dinner For Schmucks didn't need as much SALT, oh Dispic… I'm really too lazy to keeping that. Suffice it to say, they made enough money.

The geniuses in Hollywood finally answered my letters and made a sequel to Cats & Dogs, and were even kind enough to make it in 3-D, and how do you repay them? By not seeing it. Way to go, people.

Fun Fact: I keep wanting to come up with something snarky and mean to say about Charlie St. Cloud, but that Zac Efron is so damn charming I just can't.

Below the radar, a movie called Get Low made $90,900 on 4 screens. And a documentary about Hugh Hefner made $10,000, playing on one screen. Awesome.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg finally team up. And more letters are answered with ST3P UP 3D!!! (I'm assuming that's a real movie).

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)