Flamethrower Vs Fire Extinguisher

There may come a day when I finally figure out how to appropriately format these videos to fit my blog space.And on that day, those obnoxious spammers will stop leaving links to porn site in the comments.

Until that day comes, though, enjoy this awesome video that looks like what would happen if Napoleon Dynamite aged ten years and developed a drinking problem and brought a flame thrower to a fight with Brad Dourif.

Enjoy!

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

(Hey how about that, it actually fits!)

Box Office Report: SALT LICKED!

I was on vacation last week, and I really regret not writing that headline in the box office report I didn't write.

More Inception stuff.

It makes more sense if you've seen the flick, but I found this neat little piece about Inception, which people seem to like.



Not quite sure I want to see it again, for fear I'll find more flaws, but I'm willing to give Nolan the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, Inception is pretty cool

I liked it quite a bit. Even if I did have to pee worse than when I saw Star Trek.

Oh, and Predators rocked as well. It's all about the Brody!

Box Office Report: Christ (opherNolan) Saves

Dude here again. I'm starting to question my status as The Dude. There are several other dudes out there, far more dude-like than I, and I'm thinking maybe perhaps my time as The Dude is up. Maybe it's time to move on and find a new name.

Or maybe I just need to drink more cough syrup in the mornings. Less?

This weekend, the alleged savior of of summer films hath arrived. did it meet expectations? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Inception (WB)- $60.4, 3792 screens, week 1, $60.4 total

2. Despicable Me (Uni)- $32.7, 3501 screens, week 2, $118.3 total

3. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (BV)- $17.3, 3504 screens, week 1, $24.4 total (Wed Open)

4. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $13.5, 4001 screens, week 3, $264.9 total

5. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $11.7, 3177 screens, week 5, $362.7 total

6. Grown Ups (Sony) - $10.0, 3074 screens, week 4, $129.2 total

7. The Last Airbender (Par) $7.4, 2805 screens, week 3, $114.8 total

8. Predators (Fox) - $6.8, 2669 screens, week 2, $40.0 total

9. Knight & Day (Fox)- $3.7, 1925 screens, week 4, $69.2 total

10. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $2.2, 1532 screens, week 6, $169.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that everybody who thought Christopher Nolan's Inception would be movie that turned things right at the box office, and maybe cleaned up all that oil in the gulf while it was at it, could be right. An impressive $60 million take for an unproven idea that allegedly takes some thinking to enjoy, is nice. Next week, however, will show if it has the legs to become something legendary, or just something to pass the time.

Nicolas Cage tries to pay back a portion of his debt with another family friendly Disney flick, but comes a little short of the National Treasure numbers. I just hope the man gives another batshit crazy Nic Cage performance in it. Because that's all I want from movies anymore.

Toy Story 3 has gone to become the highest grossing flick of the year thus far. Twilight 3, not as much. Grown Ups, what the hell is going on there? I forgot that movie exists. Blah blah.

Fun Fact: in last week's column, I ignorantly dismissed the "badassitude" of Adrien Brody in Predators. Having now seen the film, I can attest, dude rocks the shit out of this movie.

Below the radar, there's something called Standing Ovation. It was released on 623 screens and took in $361,000. I can't find any other information on this movie, so I'm choosing to believe it is a religious picture, the kind that come out of nowhere and make more money than Jonah Hex. (5 weeks later, not even playing, but I'm keeping the Hex love alive, people)

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we get to shake on some Salt! And Ramona and Beezus, too!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

This says it all

Box Office Report: Despicable edition

Dude here again. You know, I get knocked down. But I get up again. You ain't ever gonna keep me down. I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink. I drink a cider drink, and I drink a lager drink. I sing a song that reminds me of the bad times.

I sing a song that reminds me of the better times.

This weekend, mysterious advertising techniques propels animated glee to the top of the pack, while the most boring love triangle in cinematic history continues to suck money out of pockets. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Despicable Me (Uni)- $60.1, 3476 screens, week 1, $60.1 total

2. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $33.4, 4468 screens, week 2, $237.0 total

3. Predators (Fox) - $25.3, 2669 screens, week 1, $25.3 total

4. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $22.0, 3753 screens, week 4, $340.2 total

5. The Last Airbender (Par) $17.1, 3203 screens, week 2, $100.2 total

6. Grown Ups (Sony) - $16.4, 3463 screens, week 3, $111.3 total

7. Knight & Day (Fox)- $7.8, 2628 screens, week 3, $61.9 total

8. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $5.7, 2458 screens, week 5, $164.6 total

9. The A-Team (Fox)- $1.8, 1236 screens, week 5, $73.9 total

10. Cyrus (FoxS)- $1.3, 200 screens, week 4, $3.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that almost any animated movie that's released in 3-D will do well, even with inexplicable advertising. Seriously, until I read a review this week, I had no idea what the hell the movie was about. There are weird little yellow guys, a preview where the guy hijacks a pyramid… all stuff out of my drunken nightmares. Anyway, it did very well, as the good reviews probably didn't hurt.

Fox finally answered my letters and gave us another Predator movie, this time replacing the strong Arnold Schwarzenegger or the stoic Danny Glover with Adrien Brody and the guy from That 70s Show. (Though, truth be told Trejo and Walt Goggons from The Shield and Justified are also in it, so that makes up for the badassitude). Anyway, it did A-Team and Knight & Day numbers, but will most likely turn out to be one of the more profitable flicks Fox has this summer. (Sorry A-Team and Knight and Day).

Twilight continues its train of mediocrity while crossing the $200 million mark. You know, that's the one thing I don't like about the Twihards is how quickly they stop seeing the movie in theaters. Sure, they bombarded the multiplexes last week, but this week there are tame numbers. You're not trying, people.

Fun Fact: The "Grease Sing-A-Long" Version was released this week, and blame for that falls squarely on Glee. At least it wasn't in 3-D.

Below the radar, The Girl Who Played With Fire, the sequel to the the hit Girl With The Dragon Tattoo that opened up a few months ago (and will be remade in English in the near future because I hate subtitles) opened up on 85 screens to take in $965,000. Also, The Kids Are Alright, which seems to be the second best reviewed movie of the year (After the dead heat unity between Toy Story 3 and MacGruber) opened on 7 screens and took in $505,000, with a $72,000 per screen average which is the highest of all this week.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Inception is finally released in an attempt to satisfy those of us who have been hyping it up as the greatest movie this summer can offer. Plus, a Nic Cage movie that features him with ridiculous hair.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Winning Video Games

Here's what video games would look like if they were SUPER easy. 

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

(Thanks to Geekologie for pointing this out)

It's... Arrested Development

This is no mere illusion.

What's that? You're clamoring to see the world from a Turtle's Point of View?!?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait till you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.

What's that? You need to see a picture of Bill Pullman from Lost Highway?

"No, no, no, no, no. After me."

Karl Urban as Munder, in the hit motion picture Ghost Ship

Box Office Report: Vampires V Werewolves, but not nearly as cool as it sounds. Again.

Dude here again. Doing what President Bill Pullman told us to do fourteen years ago when the world united to stop our alien oppressors., then murdered my wife in one reality while in another Robert Loggia beats up a dude for tailgating and… That's not the right movie is it?

Sorry, I'm thinking of Spaceballs.

This weekend, Twihards come out to show nerds how it's done! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $69.8, 4468 screens, week 1, $161.0 total (Wed Open)

2. The Last Airbender (Par) $40.6, 3169 screens, week 1, $57.0 total (Thurs Open)

3. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $30.1, 4028 screens, week 3, $289.0 total

4. Grown Ups (Sony) - $18.5, 3534 screens, week 2, $77.0 total

5. Knight & Day (Fox)- $10.2, 3104 screens, week 2, $45.5 total

6. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $8.0, 3109 screens, week 4, $151.5 total

7. The A-Team (Fox)- $3.0, 2153 screens, week 4, $69.1 total

8. Get Him To The Greek (Uni)- $1.1, 884 screens, week 5, $57.4 total

9. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $0.79, 957 screens, week 7, $232.1 total

10. Cyrus (FoxS)- $0.77, 77 screens, week 3, $1.4 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that loud sigh of disappointment you heard around the world was me. With maybe my friend Larry thrown in there a bit, too.

Kudos to The Last Airbender, which suffered the slings and arrows of fanboy outrage at casting choices, an allegedly horrendous 3-D conversion, and the worst reviews this side of Sex and the City 2, to take in an impressive $50 plus million in four days. M. Night Shyamalan still has something.

Other wise, everything is about normal. Toy Story continues doing what it does best. As does Adam Sandler. Knight and Day isn't too impressive, but to continue my Killers analogy from last week, they are mere dollars apart in total gross right now. Isn't it Alanis ironic? Dontcha think?

Nice to see Cyrus in the top ten as it expands. Once again, go see this flick, I can't say enough good things about it. It's funny, it's poignant, it's real, and it's satisfying. That's all you want out of a movie these days.

Fun Fact: I can't find a movie theater that's playing Jonah Hex anymore.

Below the radar, Love Ranch, which strs Academy Award WinnerS Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci as a husband/wife team who run a brothel in Nevada (when is Hollywood gonna stop making trite formula films like this?) opened on 11 screens and took in $63,000.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we finally can figure out what Despicable Me is supposed to be, but who really cares because fuckin' PREDATORS comes out!!!!!!!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Box Office Report: The Toys Are Back in Town! Again!

Dude here again. Yes, I love technology. But not as much as you, you see. But I still love technology. Always and forever.

Always and forever.

This weekend, toys out do grown ups, so take that popular psychology! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $59.0, 4028 screens, week 2, $226.5 total

2. Grown Ups (Sony) - $41.0, 3534 screens, week 1, $41.0 total

3. Knight & Day (Fox)- $20.5, 3098 screens, week 1, $27.7 total

4. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $15.4, 3740 screens, week 3, $135.6 total

5. The A-Team (Fox)- $6.0, 3242 screens, week 3, $62.8 total

6. Get Him To The Greek (Uni)- $3.0, 2188 screens, week 4, $54.4 total

7. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $2.8, 2340 screens, week 6, $229.3 total

8. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (BV) - $2.8, 1851 screens, week 5, $86.1 total

9. Killers (LGF) $2.0, 2271 screens, week 4, $44.0 total

10. Jonah Hex (WB)- $1.6, 2825 screens, week 2, $9.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that once again, we say it in unison: All Hail Our Pixar Overlords!!!!

Oh Adam Sandler. Every time you do something brave like Funny People that fails, you make a home video of you and your buddies riffing on the big chill and you hit the jackpot. How do you do it? Personally, I'm grateful for the give and take nature of this relationship.

I want to know how many people bought tickets for Knight & Day, walked into Killers by accident, and couldn't tell the difference. someone MUST have done this. Anyway, while performing slightly better than Killers, the latest action spectacle from Tom Cruise still only did slightly better than Killers. This does not bode well for the Les Grossman project.

I'd like to once again thank the audiences of the world for making the cut and paste of this week's chart that much easier and having everything shift a spot. even though they're just killing time before the next behemoth muscles everything out of multiplexes with ease.

And the less we say about Jonah Hex, the better. At least MacGruber had the honor of being the first huge flop, and it will be remembered as the yardstick by which all others live up to. Hex might as well be forgotten.

Fun Fact: Prince of Persia is kicking ass overseas, and has surpassed Tomb Raider os most successful video game adaptation. Until Hollywood greenlights my adaptation of WAR GODS!

Below the radar, the war-doc Restrepo was released on 2 screens and took in $30,500, while Oliver Stone's doc South of the Border opened up on 1 screen and took in $21,000. For what it's worth, there seems to be a strong showing of indies and docs slowly infiltrating and entertaining folk across the country. In addition to the few that opened up this weekend, you have Please Give, Cyrus, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, Winter's Bone, Exit Through the Gift Shop, Micmacs, and Solitary Man. A nice antidote to the noise of summer.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, some nonsense about wolves and vampires that doesn't contain the word "Underworld". Plus the latest twisty (but not) epic from M Night Shamalamadingdong. And if we're lucky, the last possible chance to see Jonah Hex projected on a screen. Good luck, folks!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

I Come In Peace...

"And You Go In Pieces"

Fun Fact: I wore this for the "Stallone Triple Bill!" at the New Beverly, a wonderful celebration of masculinity earlier this month, that bestowed upon us a immortal line-up of action: COBRA! TANGO & CASH!! CLIFFHANGER!!!

All three films are amazing, and to view them projected on a screen again was bliss. To mark just how rad the occasion was, I joined my friends Larry and Ryan in consuming some Double Down Sandwiches.

The Verdict: They are exactly as you think they would be. Surprisingly not that greasy. Very salty. But Phil, the man who threw the Stallone Triple Bill! together commended our badassitude for eating KFC in the line before the Stallone!

This was the first event in the "CinePrince Summer of Assertive Masculinity", a series of film screenings and events celebrating the nostalgic machismo of yesterday as it once was, and what it looks like today.

This was the email I sent to my friends official press release

Summer is upon us, and with it comes movies. Movies that look awesome in their badass-itude and sheer bossomeness. We're especially blessed this summer, as there will be something badass and macho EACH MONTH this summer!!!

Now, due to certain shall-we-say zoning restrictions (a lack of chairs) the CinePrince is evolving, and will not occur at various actual cineplexes. That's right, GENUINE THEATRICAL PRESENTATIONS!!!

Here's the list of events. Don't even pretend that you don't think this is awesome:

JUNE

Stallone Triple Bill!!! - June 4th - New Beverly Cinema!! 7:30 PM, $10

COBRA!! TANGO & CASH!! CLIFFHANGER!!! This trio of flicks is sure to melt your face off.

As an extra added bonus, there is a possibility of Double Downs being consumed. Thank you KFC.

The other films are as follows. Mini-presentations of related films might be a possibility, more details as these come closer.

JULY

Fuckin PREDATORS!!!!

AUGUST

THE MOTHERFUCKIN EXPENDABLES!!!

SEPTEMBER

MACHETE!!! (I got tired of finding ways to incorporate "Fuck")

What more do you need? Can you not see that I am serious? There's no proper response other than "Yes", and maybe "This line up of cinema slightly arouses me."

If this does not interest you and you wish to be removed from this mailing list, please send me an email. Then feel shame. A lot of shame. Then smack yourself in the face, write an apology email and get your punk ass back on this email list.

Yours in masculinity,
Dolph Lundgren's....Cousin

In case anyone is curious, the screening of Expendables may involve a trip to the desert to shoot machine guns before viewing.

PS- In case anyone was wetting themselves with anticipation, The Expendables was officially rated R!

Box Office Report: Toys are Back in town!

Dude here again. Not gonna lie, a little miffed that there was an upswing in the box office. I was so pleased with all the disappointment, and the resigned shrugs and sighs we were giving the people who made movies. But then you you hit me with a one-two punch, two weeks in a row.

Sometimes I feel like I'm Job.

This weekend, toys come to life, and a comic book movie actually bombs spectacularly. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $109.0, 4028 screens, week 1, $109.0 total

2. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $29.0, 3663 screens, week 2, $106.2 total

3. The A-Team (Fox)- $13.7, 3544 screens, week 2, $49.7 total

4. Get Him To The Greek (Uni)- $6.1, 2592 screens, week 3, $47.8 total

5. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $5.5, 3207 screens, week 5, $222.9 total

6. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (BV) - $5.2, 2605 screens, week 4, $80.5 total

7. Killers (LGF) $5.1, 2619 screens, week 3, $39.3 total

8. Jonah Hex (WB)- $5.0, 2825 screens, week 1, $5.0 total

9. Iron Man 2 (Par) - $2.6, 1612 screens, week 7, $304.7 total

10. Marmaduke (Fox)- $2.6, 2495 screens, week 3, $27.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Pixar is the savior of all that is good and decent. All Hail Our Pixar Overlords!!!!

(What, you're surprised? I actually wrote that immediately after writing last week's box office report. Let's be real, though, who didn't see this happening?)

Poor Jonah Hex. It's not easy to create comic book franchise tentpole pictures, people. Sometimes you get Iron Man while sometimes you get Iron Man 2. And sometimes you get Spiderman 3. (And sometimes, if we've been good, we'll get a Punisher War Zone!) The point is, nobody saw this movie, and that's kinda sad as it "Pulled a MacGruber". However, I heard it failed on every conceivable level, which instantly rockets it to the top of my must see list.

(Don't let the Pixar Overlords overhear).

Everything else might as well not even exist anymore. Sure Karate Kid gave a brief bit of life, but A-Team seems to be crashing. I don't even know what the hell a Prince of Persia is. All I know is, once again, people don't seem to change their interest in these films, which makes my formatting a breeze!

Fun Fact, Avatar is still playing on 17 screens!

Below the radar, Cyrus, quite possibly the best movie I've seen this year, opened on 4 screens to take in $180,300. That's a higher per screen average than the talking Toy picture! I can't recommend this film enough, as it delivers everything a good movie should. Make an effort to check this one out.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Tom Cruise goes head to head with Adam Sandler and the rest of the SNL cast from 1994. Sadly, that movie will make in an hour what MacGruber did in its entire run.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

What's that? You're clamoring to see that awesome Fantastic Mr. Fox Stop Motion Interview Again?

While I'm at it, did I mention that I once made Simon Pegg laugh?



Ghost: [after letting Gunnar fall from the mountain] I'm not your kind.

Hollywood Finally Gets One Right!

The lunatics braintrust responsible for this:

...are now allegedly going to make a Nic Cage sequel to a terrible Nic Cage film.

But for once, this sounds like a good idea.

Jackie Chan Hates Karate Kids

More Videos at IGN.com

Box Office Report: Salvation (again)

Dude here again. How about that World Cup, eh? Or the NBA Finals? Or The Hockey Thing. Or that oil spill that seems to be prevalent on people's Facebook status? Or anything that doesn't involve movies, because nobody seems to care about those anymore.

No, wait, I'm wrong again.

This weekend, a movie met and exceeded expectations and brought a burst of air to Hollywood's slowly deflating collective ego. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $56.0, 3663 screens, week 1, $56.0 total

2. The A-Team (Fox)- $26.0, 3535 screens, week 1, $26.0 total

3. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $15.8, 3868 screens, week 4, $210.0 total

4. Get Him To The Greek (Uni)- $10.1, 2702 screens, week 2, $36.5 total

5. Killers (LGF) $8.1, 2859 screens, week 2, $30.6 total

6. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (BV) - $6.6, 3108 screens, week 3, $72.3 total

7. Marmaduke (Fox)- $6.0, 3213 screens, week 2, $22.2 total

8. Sex and the City 2 (WB)- $5.5, 2750 screens, week 3, $84.7 total

9. Iron Man 2 (Par) - $4.5, 2305 screens, week 6, $299.3 total

10. Splice (WB)- $2.8, 2450 screens, week 2, $13.0 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that The Karate Kid has still got it! Despite the misleading title (the kid learns kung fu!), the film went to make far more than anyone predicted, going so far as to make back its budget in three days. It also proves that it is indeed the best (cha) around! Nothing's ever gonna take it down!

(Fun Fact: Last evening I went to the Golf 'n Stuff they filmed the original at! It was the coolest place on Earth!)

The A-Team had an impressive debut, but given the cost and the hype, should have done better. This being the summer that it is, though, anything can happen. And what once seemed like a surefire bet plucking the talent from last years sleeper hits (Taken, Hangover, District 9) and blowing things up around them, has now turned into a cautionary tale of mediocrity.

I'm quite pleased that a lot of the rest of the top ten remained virtually unchanged, making it an easy week for me to show declining numbers of disappointing Hollywood product. I like calling it product. Reminds of cheese product. Eww.

Below the radar, Winter's Bone, which is sadly not a porn, opened on 4 screens to take in $85,400.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, it's Pixar to the rescue. How amazing is Pixar? So amazing that when I type the word, it's already registered in SpellCheck! Also Jonah Hex opens, but if nobody sees it. will it have opened? Find out next week!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

JAX WINS....

FLAWLESS VICTORY



So this is allegedly a promo for a real movie? If so, it's awesome. Looks like Michael Jai White is in charge of things. That man is terrific.

I want to see this. RIGHT NOW.