The Good, Bad, Irritating, and Just plain dumb of movies: 2008 edition.

Everyone compiles their best of the year lists at this time. And to be honest, I'm no different. I think it's because I lack imagination, and vision. Especially in the "blog-o-sphere". I'm sort of ashamed of myself for writing that word. Like, a lot.

Anyway, I've compiled a list of the movies I liked and didn't like, and all the ones in between. There is sort of an order to it, but mainly in the "Best" part. It's also noted that of the myriad of films I missed this year, they will be most certainly find placement in one of my convenient categories, so it could change as I see more movies.

(It should be noted that had I seen it last year, I would definitely put The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford in my top ten).

But one thing is for certain:

THE GREATEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR, POSSIBLY OF ALL TIME: RAMBO


Seriously. there's no denying it. Just accept it, and life will be grand for all.

WITH THAT IN MIND, THESE MOVIES COME CLOSE TO THAT LEVEL OF AWESOME (18):

SYNECHDOCHE, NY
If Rambo didn't exist, this movie would be the best. This is a close second, though, as no other movie made me think, laugh, cry, be afraid, and re-ignite my passion to make movies as much as this movie did. All around excellent, but well aware that it's not for everybody.

WALL-E
I love this goofy little robotic bastard.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Unbelievably solid storytelling, with no hint of pretension or Oscar dreams in it's eyes. On top of which, it's gorgeously shot, and shows a world we rarely see. Of all the movies with awards buzz this year, this is the film that deserves whatever comes its' way.

THE WRESTLER
It's like a Bruce Springsteen song come to life. Sure, the movie is an expanded version of Bill Bradley's senior film (starring yours' truly as the One Many Army, as he wrestles inside and outside of the ring). But it's a really good expanded version, anchored with two outstanding performances from Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei. And an awesome use of Quiet Riot. It's totally Jersey, and I loved it.


SON OF RAMBOW / BE KIND, REWIND
alright, so maybe these two movies did remind me of how fun it is to make movies. I find them to be spiritual kinfolk. Son Of Rambow is sweeter, and makes more sense by being set in the 80s, but Be Kind Rewind has a certain charm about itself. But both put a big smile on my face.



IRON MAN/THE DARK KNIGHT
They're both awesome movies. And I feel that if there are follow-up films, they won't be able to capture what these accomplished this year. But if they do, those movies will be amazing.

GRAN TORINO
It's grizzled, racist Clint Eastwood. It's not sentimental at all. Like a better version of Crash that earns your respect. Plus Clint throws around a lot of racial slurs. Like watching a movie about your grandfather, but more badass.

DEATH RACE
It has the Dreadnaught. That is all.


SNOW ANGELS
Kate Beckinsale finally made a movie I like. But I've become a David Gordon Green fan, and even though Pineapple Express was his big hit of the year, this movie haunted me for days. Very chilling performances from Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell. Well worth seeing.

IN BRUGES
Because Colin Farell acting like a bored 10-year old, and midgets, make a brilliant motion picture.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
Of the Apatow cannon this year, I find this to be the sweetest and the best made. It uses the stable of actors to good use, and thankfully doesn't overuse them, while welcoming new people to the fold. And it ends with a puppet musical. That can't be beat.

STEP BROTHERS
While Sarah Marshall was the better made, Step Brothers makes me laugh harder than anything. Especially on repeat viewings. I've quoted this movie so many times since it's release, it's scary. If you don't piss your pants at that sleepwalking stuff, then you need to consult a urologist. Not a great film by any means, but one that I can't stop watching and laughing at.

RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
I was surprised I liked this movie as much as I did. I wanted to attend the wedding. And at times, I wanted to throttle Anne Hathaway and make her realize not everything is about her, no matter what traumas you may have gone through. But she nails the character far too well, but not in an obnoxious way. A treat of a movie.

JCVD
Van Damme can act! And he can appear in a good movie! And this is exactly the movie that he deserves. A loving tribute to the action heroes of my youth.

TIMECRIMES
A great little Spanish time travel/paradox movie that grounds itself in a believable reality. It's worth checking out, even if you can figure out what's going to happen before the lead character does. It plays very well, though, and it plays fair.

4 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS, 2 DAYS
I saw other people put this on their best of lists, so I figured I would put it on mine. It's not a movie I ever want to see again. It's disturbing, and frightening, and very upsetting. But it's a damn fine film that's worth seeing once. But make sure you know what it's about before deciding to watch it, because otherwise it could ruin Christmas dinner.

DAMN SOLID FLICKS: THE SIGNAL, CHICAGO 10, THE BANK JOB, THE HAMMER, THE RUINS. SMART PEOPLE, KUNG FU PANDA, THE PROMOTION, HELLBOY II THE GOLDEN ARMY, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, ROLE MODELS (11)


FUCK YOU, I KINDA LIKE THESE: VANTAGE POINT, SEMI-PRO, DRILLBIT TAYLOR, SUPERHERO MOVIE, STREET KINGS, BABY MAMA, HAROLD AND KUMAR 2, THE FOOT FIST WAY, YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, GET SMART, THE HOUSE BUNNY, ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO (13)

STILL UNDECIDED (4):

TROPIC THUNDER
I did laugh my balls off at this movie. I even saw it twice in the theaters. It has scenes between Danny McBride and Nick Nolte, which is fantastic. But there isn't that much to it, and what is there is Hollywood satire that's been done countless times before. (Except for Downey, who is brilliant). It has many moments, but the Tom Cruise thing grows tiresome. (And Matty McC doesn't get the credit he deserves for it). This movie confuses me.

SUKIYAKI WESTERN DJANGO
Another movie I can't make heads or tails out of. It has some powerful imagery, and it also has batshit crazy nonsense. And Quentin Tarantino acting, which is never a good thing. But I certainly didn't hate this movie.

ROCKNROLLA
It's a Guy Ritchie movie, but made by a more mature Guy Ritchie. And the second robbery sequence is the best thing Guy Ritchie has ever filmed. But I sort of wanted a retarded Guy Ritchie movie, not a restrained one. I have to see this again, as I think I may have a better appreciation for it now knowing I'm not in for Snatch 2.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON.
A powerful film that's about dying. I thought individual scenes worked fantastically (the lightning guy scenes were great, the scene with Julia Ormond reading the postcards made me cry like a bitch), and it's certainly a technically astounding movie, filled with great images and seamless effects work. But I didn't think that the lead character was compelling enough (he just lived an ordinary life, not an extraordinary one), and it had too many moments of Gump. And the Katrina stuff was off-putting. On top of all this, I was forced to sit in the front row of the theater, and couldn't really enjoy the film. I need to check this one out again.

MEH: CHARLIE BARTLETT, PARANOID PARK, RUN FATBOY RUN, LEATHERHEADS. THE FALL, HANCOCK, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 3-D. BURN AFTER READING, CHOKE (9)

TERRIBLE, BUT AWESOMELY SO:

DOOMSDAY
Escape From New York + Road Warrior + Excaliber + Aliens + hot chick in tight leather = I will like this movie no matter what.

WANTED
That MacAvoy guy is terrible in this movie. But Morgan Freeman swears. And it has more headshots than any other movie this year. But I can't tell you a damn thing that happens in the movie.

TRANSPORTER 3
It's a Transporter movie. It's not trying for Oscars.

PUNISHER: WARZONE (4)
Ouch. This movie is astounding. A face melter of a motion picture. And almost as violent as Rambo!

BAD/INSULTING/JUST PLAIN STUPID:
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
I'll relate this series of text messages from my friend Dave Hyde to accentuate the point. 1) dude, Burt Reynolds plays a king. 2) Ya, this is horrible and it's not like it's devoid of acting talent. Shitload of people I have heard of are in this thing. 3) the bad guy or thing getting lit on fire and getting in the catapult was interesting. 4) not sure if it is so bad I want to watch or so bad that I don't. 5) OMG Lillard is beyond bad.

And that makes more narrative sense than the actual movie does.


THE EYE
She gave me her fries, I gave her 90 minutes of my life. And both things were never meant to be...

JUMPER
There's so much bad going on in this movie that it's almost entertaining. But it's just so lazy, and terribly acted, that it's not even entertaining. Watch the creepy scene in the bar where the extra can't stop looking at the camera. It's the best bit of acting in the whole thing.

DIARY OF THE DEAD
This movie was just plain bad. Very stupid. almost angering, but not quite. But it's filled with horrible performances, and a horrible understanding of the internet and technology. And it has characters checking their MySpace page in the middle of a zombie outbreak. RiCOCKulous.

21
If you saw the preview for this movie, then you don't need to waste two hours of your life watching this stupid movie. I'm still astounded that the audience I saw it with (including my companion of the evening) ate it up. Although, in her defense, she really just wanted to see the cute guy from Across The Universe. And that put a smile on her face. I wasn't as lucky.


(This picture is more entertaining than all of 21)

JACK AND JILL VS. THE WORLD
You've probably never heard of this movie, and that's ok. My friend worked on it, and it was released for a week, and we decided to go check it out, and we were the only ones in theater. I did have an awesome running commentary about the film, and explanations as to how the movie could be even dumber, but was saved through editing. But it stars Freddie Prinze Jr, and is a pretty terrible movie, filled with some awful cliches. Just a bad movie.

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
Jackie Chan and Jet Li fighting should be an awesome movie. I made one up in my mind as I was watching this one. It starts with them in a giant house/factory and in each room are new obstacles for them to fight each other with. Then about halfway through, they stop for a cookie break, when robotic ninjas suddenly interrupt, and they have to team and fight them. That was an awesome movie. This Forbidden Kingdom, though? nowhere near as awesome as my movie.

DECEPTION
I forgot this movie existed until I scanned the release schedule. It has Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor, in a movie about people who have never seen a movie. I think there's a con game involved, and there's a weird sex phone service thing, which allows Ewan to have sex with whoever he wants. And yet, the movie is stupid as hell.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
It was nice to see Indiana Jones in a movie again. I just wish this wasn't the movie. I had the same sinking feeling as I watched Attack of the Clones, when halfway through I realized that something beloved wasn't going to turn out very good at all. But in this movie, it didn't feel like anyone was trying at all. And it has Shia LeBouf swinging with his monkey friends. But it did coin the phrase "Nuke The Fridge", which is a pretty wonderful contribution to the pop culture lexicon.

MOVIES THAT ANGER ME:

CLOVERFIELD
High hopes, dashed by stupidity on many levels. So many levels.

CHANGELING
This movie... I'm not gonna go back there.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE
Same goes for this one. I'll check it out someday again, once my rage has subsided. But I'm still convinced the movie couldn't be more retarded if they inserted Special Olympics footage intercut with the action sequences.

THE TRAILER FOR THE SOLOIST
It needs to end with Jamie Foxx just jerking off an Oscar. Because that's the message this movie is sending to me.

FUCKIN RETARDED, THE GOOD KIND:

10,000 B.C.
When I approached the box office to purchase my ticket, I looked the ticket kid in the eye and plainly said "I need to see that piece of shit about the wooly mammoths." And it certainly was that.

88 MINUTES
Pacino's hair needs an Oscar nomination. And if there's a "dumbest scene" award, it has to go to Pacino outside his apartment building holding a gun, evading police bu walking behind a fire truck.

SPEED RACER
Imagine if they made a movie about Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. Imagine that movie had some obscenely amazing racing sequences. But they also overload it with a plot that makes The Phantom Menace's seem like Mr. Tickle by comparison. then remember that the guys who made the Matrix made this movie. But then there's an awesome scene involving racing cars. And the lights burrow into your brain. And that, is Speed Racer.

THE HAPPENING
Best Shyamalan movie in years. for all the wrong reasons. But it's stripped of the pretension of Lady In the Water, and for that alone, I respect this movie. This terrible, terrible movie.

FUCKIN RETARDED, THE BAD KIND:
THE LOVE GURU
You ever go to see a friend do open mike night at a comedy club? You know how you have to sit through unfunny comic after unfunny comic go on about how living in LA is so weird? Then your friend goes up, and you feel like you should laugh, but they're just recycling the same shit you've just heard? And you laugh out of pity? Yeah, this movie didn't even get those pity laughs.

HELL RIDE
I missed the first half hour of this movie, and thought it made no sense at all. Then my friend told me I didn't miss anything, except more boobs being shaken in front of dirty men's faces. And motorcycle riding. And atrocious dialog, that feels like a terrible rip off of a rip off of Tarantino. But any movie with this much sex and violence can't be all bad, right? Apparently it can.

BABYLON AD
Man, this movie should have melted my face right off. Instead, it just laid there. I've heard the international cut actually makes sense, and turns it from an awful movie into a just plain bad one. But I don't think I need to sit through this movie again.

BANGKOK DANGEROUS
There was one point where I fell asleep for a half a second. And in that half a second, all the mysteries of the universe were suddenly presented to me in a giant flash of knowledge, wisdom, and energy. I felt fulfilled, and ready to take on the challenges that will be presented before me in this life, and the next. Then I woke up, and they were speaking Thai, and I forgot where I was. Then I remembered I was watching a crappy Nicolas Cage movie, and all that wisdom I had ascertained was gone. I cried. then Cage went on a date with a deaf Thai girl, and killed two people without her hearing it. then I thought about how bossome Ong Bak II is gonna be when it comes out this year. And that put a smile on my face.

MOVIES SO BAD OTHERS HAVE TOLD ME I'D HATE THEM INSTANTLY AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN WASTE MY TIME:

EAGLE EYE
My roommate Dan saw this. He said he enjoyed it, but immediately realized that I would hate this movie to no end. That was reason enough for me to save my money. Besides, no swinging monkey friends.

REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
My boss went and saw this movie. He was super excited, thinking about how awful a movie it could be. He immediately texted me that he doesn't want me to see this movie, so that I can still reclaim my soul. He's tried to wish the movie out of existence. It almost made him cry, and give up on movies altogether. Of course, now we edit a DTV sex comedy that isn't funny. but is better than Repo, at least. (In his words).

DIDN'T SEE YET BUT DO WANT TO SEE (FOR BETTER OR WORSE): UNTRACEABLE. FOOL'S GOLD, WELCOME HOME ROSCOE JENKINS, DEFINITELY, MAYBE, CJ7, FUNNY GAMES, NEVER BACK DOWN, THE VISITOR, REDBELT, NARNIA, THE STRANGERS, MAN ON WIRE, TELL NO ONE, THE WACKNESS, MAMMA MIA, SPACE CHIMPS, AMERICAN TEEN, THE X FILES (I FELL ASLEEP HALFWAY THROUGH), THE MUMMY 3, VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA, FROZEN RIVER, STAR WARS CLONE WARS, THE ROCKER, HAMLET 2, SURFER, DUDE, RIGHTEOUS KILL, GHOST TOWN, LAKEVIEW TERRACE, APPALOOSA, THE DUCHESS, AN AMERICAN CAROL, BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA, BLINDNESS. FLASH OF GENIUS, HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE, NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST, RELIGULOUS, CITY OF EMBER, QUARANTINE, SEX DRIVE, MAX PAYNE, W. , WHAT JUST HAPPENED, PRIDE AND GLORY, SAW V, BEN X, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, MY NAME IS BRUCE, SOUL MEN, BOLT, FOUR CHRISTMASES, AUSTRALIA, MILK, FROST/NIXON, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, THE READER, WENDY AND LUCY, SEVEN POUNDS, YES MAN, DOUBT, BEDTIME STORIES, THE SPIRIT, VALKYRIE, LAST CHANCE HARVEY, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, WALTZ WITH BASHIR, DEFIANCE, CHE. HAPPY-GO-LUCKY (65)


DIDN'T SEE YET, DON'T PLAN ON SEEING: 27 DRESSES, MAD MONEY, MEET THE SPARTANS, HANNAH MONTANA/ MILEY CYRUS BEST OF..., THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE, STEP UP 2 THE STREETS, WITLESS PROTECTION, MADE OF HONOR, SEX AND THE CITY, MEET DAVE, SWING VOTE, COLLEGE, DISASTER MOVIE, THE WOMEN, MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL, FIREPROOF, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3, MADAGASCAR ESCAPE 2 AFRICA, TWILIGHT, MARLEY AND ME (20)


Next year, we get Watchmen, and Wolverine, and a few other movies. I hope it will be a good year. This year was a good one, actually. At least it was good for terrible movies.

Box Office Report: Holiday Spectacular 1!

Dude here again. Well, another Boxing Day has come and gone, and with those come all the massive releases. And with those massive releases comes some joy, and some pain, and some dread, but mostly pain. And booze. Lots of booze. I love the holidays.

This weekend, lots of movies opened up, and made a lot of money. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Marley and Me (Fox) - $37.0, 3480 screens, week 1, $51.6 total

2. Bedtime Stories (BV) - $28.0, 3681 screens, week 1, $38.5 total

3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Par) - $27.0, 2988 screens, week 1, $39.0 total

4. Valkyrie (UA)- $21.5, 2711 screens, week 1, $30.0 total

5. Yes Man (WB)- $16.4, 3434 screens, week 2, $49.5 total

6. Seven Pounds (Sony) - $13.4, 2758 screens, week 2, $39.0 total

7. The Tale of Despereaux (Uni) - $9.3, 3107 screens, week 2, $27.9 total

8. The Day The Earth Stood Still (Fox)- $7.9, 2402 screens, week 3, $63.6 total

9. The Spirit (LGF) - $6.5, 2509 screens, week 1, $10.3 total

10. Doubt (Mir) $5.6, 1267 screens, week 3, $8.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that people really felt the need to see a movie about a family with a terrible dog, which can only mean the floodgates are now wide open for at least a half dozen direct to DVD Beethoven sequels. Marley and Me captured a fair amount of the imagination of the book world, but apparently more people were just waiting for the movie, as it broke records for Christmas Day openings.

Bedtime Stories captured those families that couldn't make it into the one about the dog, and took in a respectable amount, and should prove to have long legs. Close on it's heels is Benjamin Button, where at least one family that couldn't get into the first two movies managed to get into, and then they sat right in front of me and proceeded to ruin the entire movie. But a fair amount of other people were able to enjoy the film, and it should last long into awards season, where it is certain to garner a lot of well deserved nominations.

Bringing up the rear of the new release glut is Tom Cruise (make your own private jokes about Cruise here______ ). Valkyrie proved that you can open a movie about Nazis on Christmas, so long as it's about trying to kill them. A decent message to convey on the day of Jesus' birth. Regardless, the opening is on par for Cruise, and should provide a little bit of stability until Cruise decides to make another movie that just sounds like a bad idea.

Oh, actually, I forgot about The Spirit, a movie nobody was wanting that swept in at the last minute to top a bunch of people's "Worst of '08" lists. I've heard nothing but terrible things about this movie, almost to the point where now I HAVE to see it.

the remaining holdovers from last week have managed remarkably low drops from last week's take. Yes Man and Seven Pounds both took in about 10% less from last weekend, which eases the sting of such low numbers for high profile actors. And for some reason, people continue to see The Day The Earth Stood Still, but I'm attributing that to IMAX, and humanity's innate desire to see Keanu Reeves 60 feet tall.

Below the radar, Revolutionary Road, the last big Oscarbation movie of the season, opened up on 3 screens and took in $192,000. Highest per screen average of the week, people. That's what you get when you clamor for a Titanic reunion.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, nothing really comes out, which means minor cosmetic changes to my template! Less work for me!!! Happy New Year indeed!

Until next weekend.......
(Spoiler)

Box Office Report: Birthday Edition!

Dude here again. Coming to you on that most special of holiday weekends... The Dave Hyde Birthday Weekend. That's right, it comes so fast every year, and you don't even realize that it's Dave Hyde's birthday all of a sudden. My, how time flies. So Happy Birthday Dave Hyde! My gift to you is some box office numbers.

This weekend, two heavy duty stars had major releases, and a slew of award-minded flicks expand their release platforms. How did they all fare on Dave Hyde Birthday Weekend? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Yes Man (WB)- $18.1, 3434 screens, week 1, $18.1 total

2. Seven Pounds (Sony) - $16.0, 2758 screens, week 1, $16.0 total

3. The Tale of Despereaux (Uni) - $10.5, 3104 screens, week 1, $10.5 total

4. The Day The Earth Stood Still (Fox)- $10.1, 3560 screens, week 2, $48.6 total

5. Four Christmases (NL) - $7.7, 3515 screens, week 4, $100.1 total

6. Twilight (Sum) $5.2, 2991 screens, week 5, $158.4 total

7. Bolt (BV) - $4.2, 2968 screens, week 5, $95.0 total

8. Slumdog Millionaire (FoxS) - $3.1, 589 screens, week 6, $12.1 total

9. Australia (Fox) - $2.3, 2212 screens, week 4, $41.9 total

10. Quantum of Solace (Sony)- $2.1, 1874 screens, week 6, $161.3 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Jim Carrey and Will Smith COMBINED can't match the power of Will Smith on his own in a crappy superhero movie. Jim Carrey's Yes Man took the top perch on the list, followed closely by Mr. Smith's Seven Pounds, and neither did as well as both actor's previous outings. Is it signs of a struggling economy? Bad word of mouth on both flicks? Too many people out shopping for Dave Hyde? The world may never know, but next week should prove both films' legs, as a whole batch of new movies will also be in contention.

Also opening this week is The Tale of Despereaux, an animated film I'm assuming is based on a children's book I've never read. I think there's a mouse involved. There are probably celebrity voices making the animals speak, too. It did a paltry $10 million, but that's still better than last week's animated offering Delgo, which has apparently been yanked from every theater it was released in last week. (Over 2000 screens! It's a record!)

Everything else seems to be mopping up some cash while they still have a chance, before the big holiday guns unload upon an unsuspecting public. Give it time, by January, many prestige titles will be peaking their heads up in the top ten, along with holiday holdovers. However, it is nice to see Slumdog Millionaire on the top ten right now, as it gains award recognition. It's about time audiences discover one of the year's best movies.

Below the radar, opening up on 4 screens is The Wrestler, a film that has many people talking about Mickey Rourke's lead performance. It made $295,000 in 4 screens since opening on Wednesday. This will increase, as the level of Oscar buzz continues for Rourke. Personally, I think the film bears too much of a resemblance to my friend Bill Bradley's senior film, in which yours' truly portrayed a wrestler facing the biggest match of his life: Wrestling his drinking problem.

In honor of it being Dave Hyde's Birthday Weekend, I'm obliged to point out that Death Race came out on DVD, and that you should watch it and think of how much Dave enjoys the Dreadnaught. That thing is BADASS!!!

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, aforementioned holiday guns!

Until next weekend.......

(The Periodic Table Of Awesoments)

Box Office REzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dude here again. I've been working nonstop like a fiend. I'm seriously seeing double right now as I type this. This will be a short one.

This weekend, blah blah movies opened. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. The Day The Earth Stood Still (Fox)- $31.0, 3560 screens, week 1, $31.0 total

2. Four Christmases (NL) - $13.2, 3540 screens, week 3, $87.9 total

3. Twilight (Sum) $8.0, 3649 screens, week 4, $150.1 total

4. Bolt (BV) - $7.5, 3133 screens, week 4, $88.8 total

5. Australia (Fox) - $4.2, 2703 screens, week 3, $37.8 total

6. Quantum of Solace (Sony)- $3.8, 2635 screens, week 5, $157.6 total

7. Nothing Like The Holidays (Over) - $3.5, 1671 screens, week 1, $3.5 total

8. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Par/DW)- $3.2, 2768 screens, week 6, $170.0 total

9. Milk (Focus) - $2.6, 328 screens, week 3, $7.6 total

10. Transporter 3 (LGF) - $2.2, 2541 screens, week 3, $29.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means blah blah blah Keanu Reeves blah blah blah Speed joke blah blah blah unfunny Matrix pun blah blah blah obscure Chain Reaction reference.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, I'll be a little more awake, I promise.

Until next weekend.......

Poster analysis

Does this mean Evil will do a hot young chick in order to live? Because in that case, I think we can conclude that most young men (and old ones) are indeed evil.

You wanna see a fuckin' movie?!?!

See Punisher: War Zone.

It's not a good movie by any means. It's retarded as hell. But goddamn is it an awesome stupid movie.

The Punisher punches through a dude's face. HIS FACE!!! With his bare hands!!!

So many people get shot in the head, and their heads fucking disappear in an eruption of blood!! There are so many scenes of needless brutality, I feel I can't give any of it away. It will ruin the experience of having your face melted off by the movie's almost Rambo-level approach to amazing on-screen violence.

Dominic West as Jigsaw, the main villain, is perfectly terrible. Armed with a the second-worst Brooklyn accent in the film, he chews the scenery to shreds that resemble his make-up.



The worst accent in the movie belongs to Doug Hutchinson as Looney Bin Jim. His level of awful, in voice and performance, approaches the sublime. There's a scene with mirrors that must be seen to be believed. There's also a scene involving... nevermind. Watch it.

Even the cinematography is dumb. Watch some of the bizarre framing of shots in this movie. Hint, look to the right of the screen. You'll see.

Discover the brilliance of a terrible movie. Watch Punisher: War Zone... It's CRAPTASTIC!!!


I don't even know who this guy is. Because to me, he IS the Punisher.

But he kinda looks like Will Forte a little bit.

(This kind of terrible movie should not be confused with a bad movie. For an example of a bad movie read this clever little synopsis of Quantum of Solace from The Editing Room. But only if you've already seen, or don't care to see the movie, as it has "spoilers". Not great ones, since the movie has no story. But it definitely sums up my feelings about the film.)

Too good not to post.

Just be careful if you play it at work. Not because of it's rude content, but because your co-workers will not get it out of their heads.

BELIEVE ME ON THIS!!!

Box Office Report: ummm... for today.

Dude here again. It's Sunday again, and that means one thing... I have to go to work. But my need for a paycheck, with no overtime and a significantly reduced pay, isn't enough to stop me from reporting the numbers to you. Because you need those numbers. Like crack. Or cheese.

This weekend, a few new movies tried to open, but this is typically one of the deader weekends, with films clearing room for all the big holiday and Oscar baiting films. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Four Christmases (NL) - $18.1, 3335 screens, week 2, $70.8 total

2. Twilight (Sum) $13.1, 3620 screens, week 3, $138.5 total

3. Bolt (BV) - $9.6, 3516 screens, week 3, $79.2 total

4. Australia (Fox) - $7.0, 2721 screens, week 2, $30.8 total

5. Quantum of Solace (Sony)- $6.6, 3423 screens, week 4, $151.4 total

6. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Par/DW)- $5.1, 3317 screens, week 5, $165.6 total

7. Transporter 3 (LGF) - $4.5, 2626 screens, week 2, $25.3 total

8. Punisher: War Zone (LGF)- $4.0, 2508 screens, week 1, $4.0 total

9. Cadillac Records (Sony) - $3.5, 686 screens, week 1, $3.5 total

10. Role Models (Uni) - $2.6, 1907 screens, week 5, $61.6 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means people in these times opted to not go to the movies, possibly spending their time shopping for holiday presents, or in my case, working on soft core pornography. But most of the movies are around the same order as last week, just with a lot less money. Four Christmases continues to dominate and browbeat you with it's holiday cheer, while Twilight struggles for relevance from more than just the teen girl contingency.

Two new movies opened up this week, and they may have well just shown up on screen and shrugged, then walked away. the third attempt to make a Punisher movie failed miserably, taking in just $4 million this weekend, but I've heard it on good authority that it's one of the dumbest (which by default means most awesome) movies he has ever seen. And Cadillac Records opened up, but not even Beyonce could lure them into the streets. It's a shame, as the movie actually looks pretty darn good.

Everything else is kind of just waiting around to be kicked out of theaters at this point. And actually, I'm willing to bet that numbers go down next week, as The Dark Knight, the biggest movie of all time (slight hyperbole) is released on DVD and Blu-Ray. (Which is a tremendous format, even if the only Blu-Ray I have is the Under Siege 1&2 double pack!) It's possible audiences will opt to stay in and watch that over selections in the theater, but that's something to ponder for next week's column.

Interesting fact, Dark Knight is still in release, it just crossed $530 million total in 21 weeks. It averages about $180,000 for the past few weeks now, which means people are still keeping it alive. Which is kind of remarkable given that I feel I'll find the Punisher movie that opened this weekend on the DVD racks in less than 2 months. Movies just don't last in theaters anymore.

Off the radar, the big winner was Ron Howard's Frost/Nixon. Opening on just 3 screens, the film had a per screen average of $60,000, with a weekend total of $180,000. (In case your calculator isn't working). I'm sure there's a stupid record being broken here, like 3rd highest limited release opening or something, but I'm too lazy to look it up. As well as having to go edit softcore pornography. I mean go to work.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Keanu Reeves makes the world stand still. In IMAX, no less. I'm sure something else opens, too. Probably something that wants Oscars. Certainly not the kind of movie I want to see.

Until next weekend...

Kinda makes you want a big donut,

2 great nerd tastes in one!

Some people have too much free time on their hands. This person certainly does not.

(But I do for watching it then posting it on a Tuesday morning. I should really work or something.)

Box Office Report: 30!

Dude here again. Another Thanksgiving weekend is upon us, which means another year has passed us. And more importantly, another year has passed me. And this year, the Dude welcomes himself to the 30-club! But my age is of no importance. Not when there are numbers to report.

This weekend, despite the fact that it's Thanksgiving, people wanted Christmas. And not just one Christmas, but.... wow, 30. 30 years I've been here. Sorry. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Four Christmases (NL) - $31.6, 3310 screens, week 1, $46.7 total

2. Bolt (BV) - $26.5, 3654 screens, week 2, $66.8 total

3. Twilight (Sum) $26.3, 3425 screens, week 2, $119.5 total

4. Quantum of Solace (Sony)- $19.5, 3501 screens, week 3, $142.0 total

5. Australia (Fox) - $14.8, 2642 screens, week 1, $20.0 total

6. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Par/DW)- $14.5, 3709 screens, week 4, $159.5 total

7. Transporter 3 (LGF) - $12.3, 2626 screens, week 1, $18.5 total

8. Role Models (Uni) - $5.2, 2195 screens, week 4, $57.8 total

9. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (Mir)- $1.6, 582 screens, week 4, $5.1 total

10. Milk (Focus) - $1.3, 36 screens, week 1, $1.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, as mentioned before, the irresistible combination of Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspooon, and a whole bunch of Christmases seemed to appeal to all those ready to move on from Thanksgiving. Jesus, THIRTY! Where the hell did my twenties go? It's all a blur, littered with empty bottles of Jack Daniels along the side.

Bolt and Twilight are in a very close race for secoFUCK!!! THIRTY!!!! I've wasted my life watching movies and reporting box office numbers. And making Simon Pegg laugh. Okay, that's something in the plus column, but still. I thought I'd have made several of the record breaking movies I report about by now.

I gotta give a shout out to Transporter 3, which doesn't appear to have done all that well, but is about on par with previous Transporter outings. And it's better than the Bond movie. Seriously. That's not just my jaded 30-year old mind tired of big budget commercial crap. It's because I'm an immature 30-year old who can never pass up a Statham flick.

I can't keep going on. I'm gonna drink myself to sleep

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, another Punisher movie, but this one is without Dolph Lundgren, too. See that? I remember seeing the Lundgren one in the theaters. I hear Neil Young singing "Old man, look at my life". Time to cry.

Until next weekend.......

Transporter 3: At least it's better than Bond!

It's a Transporter movie. It's definitely the weakest of the three films. It doesn't have as memorable a fight sequence as the previous two films. (No firehose fight, no flipping the car over to remove a bomb, no greasing up and fighting on bike pedals). It loses the hidden homoerotic messages of the first two. And it features quite possibly the worst performance I've seen all year in the form of the girl. Seriously, she's worse than Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel in The Happening.

COMBINED!!!

I feel like the director really wanted to sleep with her, and granted her lots of dialogue and close-ups. (Although, given Luc Besson's penchant for his starlets, it could be his doing. IMDB will help me here.) Truly terrible. There's a scene where she takes some drugs, and becomes the most annoying person in the world to Jason Statham. Although now that I think about it, maybe she just did a REALLY GOOD job at being an annoying person. Hmmm, perspective is a funny thing. (I still stand firm on the director wanting to sleep with her. It's pretty apparent).

And yet, I still had a great time. A much better time than at Quantum of Solace. And here's why: The Transporter knows it's a dumb movie. It has no delusions about itself, and wears that like a badge of honor and pride. Quantum thought too highly of itself, and try to gussy up the fact that it was just another entry in the Transporter series. Also, it helps that Transporter 3, even with a wafer thin story, still actually has a story. This is a big up over Quantum.

Statham kicks ass, as usual. Prison Break's Robert Knepper plays the villain, and it's strange to hear him not speak like Tea Bag. But he's quite effective, and I hope to see more of him in future roles. And the French guy from the first two movies is back, bringing the homoerotic tension to a full boil in the beginning, and much needed comic relief when applicable, and surprising efficiency in the scenes that require him to be Joe Exposition.

Overall, a fun B-movie that knows what it is and doesn't require a dreadnaught. (Although the Dreadnaught couldn't hurt any movie).


Oh, and they really needed to put a Crank 2 preview before the movie. Just sayin...

Greatest Commercial Ever

Thanks Rob!

Time for Uber Mini Tweeners!!!

I've seen a few movies, but not many lately. (Work's been preventing me from going out and having a life. On the other hand, I'm making money I'm not spending on movies. So I guess I got that going for me.

But I have seen these movies, and while I could totally get into many ins and outs of them all, I've decided to "Tweener-It-Up" and give you brief overviews. Although I may go off on a few at a later time. Most likely as I discuss my Best/Worst of the year.

Man, "Tweener-it-up" sounds like a pederast term. I should probably change that. B ut it's too late now.


Synecdoche, NY



Hands down, best film I've seen this year. It's depressing as all fuck, but I found it to be a fantastic moviegoing experience. It can certainly divide people, and there's no middle ground about it. You love it or you hate it. I'm firmly on the love side.

Full disclosure: I am a Kaufman fanatic and will follow him to the ends of the Earth. I find his movies fascinating, a firm blend of dream logic and grounded emotional truths. In his directorial debut, he just continues this natural extension.

I couldn't even begin to explain what the movie is about. But it involves Philip Seymour Hoffman, and if a movie doesn't have his approval, it is not Not NOt NOT... approved by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Lost focus for a moment there, apologies. But yeah, check this movie out. Or argue me and tell me why you think it's crap.

Changeling



This movie was bullshit! You sat there for two and a half hours of Angelina Jolie crying. Oh, I'm sorry, Angelina. I didn't realize that you were missing your son. You've only repeated it the entire goddamn running time of the movie! Seriously, EVERY SINGLE SCENE! FOR TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS! On top of that, there's a scene at the end, where the characters are listening to, and taking bets on, the goddamn Oscars! It's as if the movie is strolling by with it's hand out, just already presuming it won every award like a goddamn cliched prom queen. It's even more shameless Oscarbation than that trailer for The Soloist. That thing wants an award so bad, it should just end with homeless/schizophrenic/musical genius Jaime Foxx... excuse me, with ACADEMY AWARD WINNER homeless/schizophrenic/musical genius Jaime Foxx just jerking off with an Oscar statue.

If ever a movie needed the DREADNAUGHT, it is this one.

That being said, Changeling was a beautiful looking film.

Role Models



This movie just made me laugh a lot. I liked Stifler and Paul Rudd, I thought they were great together. I liked the kids, even when the little kid swearing starts to wear thin. I loved that half the cast of The State shows up. I love the LARP stuff. and the KISS jokes were great too. There's a lot of dry humour, and it's very quick. Overall, though, I thought it worked. It didn't force laughs, it earned them. The movie's damn funny.

JCVD


I haven't seen a Van Damme movie in the theaters since 1999. The man's been stuck in DTV. And his movies are never really terrible, so much as they're just boring and stupid. But this JCVD movie is his most entertaining movie in over a decade.

Basically, the movie is about the failure of Jean Claude Van Damme. As an actor, as a father, as an action hero, as a human being. He knows he's old, he's losing shitty parts to Steven Seagal, and he's lost custody of his daughter. While trying to obtain funds at a post office to pay his lawyer's fees, Van Damme finds himself in a situation the action hero Van Damme would easily escape out of, but the man Van Damme just can't quite do.

What struck me about this movie the most was how cinematic it was. There are a lot of arty directorial flourishes that normally I would find distracting and annoying, but that worked here. Although the washed out brown look of the film is atrocious and tough to get by. There's a playing of linear time, cutting between Van Damme's predicament and his custody battle, or showing events from multiple points of view. The best is the opening shot, a long tracking shot of old Van Damme kicking a lot of ass, but getting a little tired along the way and missing a few beats.

And there's one scene where Van Damme actually acts, and he kinda does a good job. And makes you believe things. Like, you know, an actor should. And he pulls it off. And in one take! I couldn't believe it. It was the first time where I was actually paying attention to Van Damme's performance, and not the bump on his head.

This is one worth checking out for fans of the man, and fans of fun action movies in general. (There's a few great digs at John Woo, and Van Damme's role in bringing him to America). Check it out, so that next year maybe Dolph Days will not just be a glimmer in my mind's eye.

Quantum of Solace



Honestly, I thought this movie was stupid. It felt like a pretentious, stuffy XXX movie. (The Rob Cohen/Vin Diesel XXX movie, not the good kinds of XXX movies). Yeah, the action is fast and furious and Bourne-like, but that's why I watch Bourne movies. (A lament I'm hearing over and over again, but it's being said because it's true). This is a loud, stupid movie that makes no sense. And even though it's allegedly the shortest movie in the Bond series, it feels like the longest. There's a girl in this movie whose sole purpose is to fuck Bond then die.

A lot of the editing choices make no sense, making you think something is important, when it's not. There's too much cross cutting of action with cultural events (Horse races in the streets of Italy! A German opera! Ok, the opera scene was pretty cool). The writing's stupid, too. So many false leads that lead to nothing at all. And how many times is DJD (Dame Judi Dench) going to repeat that her boy is not her son? Whoops, I mean that she can't trust Bond, even though she's proved at the end of the last movie that she DOES trust Bond. What the flip, DJD?!?

And on top of that, they try to sort of have an environmental message. Which was sort of insulting. This movie angered me a little bit. Good to look at, but ultimately empty and insulting.

BUT...

Jeffrey Wright kicks supreme amounts of ass in his limited screen time. The scene in the bar between him and Bond is outstanding. Just watch how utterly badass he handles things. If they feel the need to spinoff the franchise, make a Felix Leiter movie starring Jeffrey Wright. It would boot you in the junk so hard.


I used pictures from Casino Royale, because that's a better movie, and I couldn't find a good one of Wright in QoS.

Box Office Report: Vampires are stupid edition

Dude here again. This is getting a little ridonkulous, all these people making lots of money in short periods of time. But, so long as people keep releasing movies lots of screaming girls want to see (as well as screaming boys last week, and screaming children two weeks ago )the numbers will be up, and I'll comment about it. Because that's what you expect of me.

This weekend, Twilight came, saw, and conquered (and then some) and put a disappointing Mr. Bond in his place. Oh, and a movie about a talking dog opened. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Twilight (Sum) $70.5, 3419 screens, week 1, $70.5 total

2. Quantum of Solace (Sony)- $27.4, 3458 screens, week 2, $109.4 total

3. Bolt (BV) - $27.0, 3651 screens, week 1, $27.0 total

4. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Par/DW)- $16.0, 4007 screens, week 3, $137.4 total

5. Role Models (Uni) - $7.2, 2733 screens, week 3, $48.0 total

6. Changeling (Uni) - $2.6, 1739 screens, week 5, $31.6 total

7. High School Musical 3: Senior Year (BV) - $2.0, 2361 screens, week 5, $86.8 total

8. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Wein.) - $1.7, 1220 screens, week 4, $29.3 total

9. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (Mir)- $1.6, 406 screens, week 3, $2.6 total

10. The Secret Life of Bees (FoxS) - $1.2, 1095 screens, week 6, $35.6 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that almost any teenage girl you know, plus everyone she knows, and everyone THEY know, and etc. went to see Twilight this weekend. And they took all the parking at the movie theater, making it very difficult for those of us wasting our time with the James Bond movie. Twilight made a mint, which is very good for Summit entertainment (and the girl that works for them that I have a crush on*) and very bad for Paramount, which put the project into turnaround two years ago. This can only ensure more Twilight movies are an inevitability.

On a side note, I have not seen the film nor read the books. The reasoning is not because it's a movie for teenage girls (I secretly love those movies), but because of a logic flaw that may or may not be answered in the film/books itself. It is this: If Cedric Diggory is a 110 year old vampire, why does he keep returning to high school? It can't be to increase his friend numbers on MySpace, could it?

Also opening this week was something that last week seemed like a sure bet: Disney's Bolt. featuring the voices of John Travolta and Miley Cyrus, as well as a hamster in a ball, it went on to take third place. Not bad, and it should have some legs going into the holiday weekend next week. But still, it's rather disappointing given the insanely high numbers of Madagascar 2 weeks ago. But I'm sure people with kids will have to watch this ad infinitum when it's released in a special edition DVD in a few months. (that will be locked away in the Disney Vault after six months, never to be heard from again).

Quantum of Solace, which I may or may not have expressed my disdain for already, held onto second place, but just barely. In fact, don't be surprised if Bolt winds up in second when the actuals are released, as Sony had boosted last week's numbers to make it seem like Bond outdid the last Bourne film. (Which it turned out, it did not). But with an almost 60% drop from last week, this Bond might not be as successful as Casino Royale.

Below the radar, Danny Boyle's latest Slumdog Millionaire continued to astound audiences and garner well deserved Oscar buzz. It had the highest per screen average of the week, again, and increased both it's take from last week and the number of screens. Other movies opened up in limited release, but my information will not reveal what those movies are, and how much they made.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Milk! Australia! Four Christmases! And of course, Transporter 3!!! The movie I feel Bond WISHES it could be. (Boy am I gonna be upset if it's horrible). Also, on DVD this week... SPACE CHIMPS!!! Just sayin...

Until next weekend.......


*Fun Fact: That girl is the out of focus, red-eyed Little Red Riding Hood in my profile picture. True Story. And I don't really have a crush on her, but I keep the joke going because I don't know when to end a joke. Like this one, right now, for instance. No clue how to properly end it. Like an SNL sketch.

You might think I'm getting a little too Watchmen happy lately...

And you're absolutely right. But I don't give a damn. This movie is looking better and better with each little morsel released.

Choke on this new trailer, Turkish. Try telling me that it could veer into corny territory now.

Bond Office Report

Dude here again. It's starting to feel like summer again. Not just because of the intense California heat and subsequent wildfires. (But they do count for something). But because every weekend is posting ridiculously high dollar amounts. If I had feelings anymore, it would make me cry. The tears. The tears out of my face.

This weekend, in a surprise to nobody, James Bond kicked your arse. Just admit it. no other movies even opened up in any significant way. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Quantum of Solace (Sony)- $70.4, 3451 screens, week 1, $70.4 total

2. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Par/DW)- $36.1, 4065 screens, week 2, $118.0 total

3. Role Models (Uni) - $11.7, 2798 screens, week 2, $38.1 total

4. High School Musical 3: Senior Year (BV) - $5.8, 3202 screens, week 4, $84.3 total

5. Changeling (Uni) - $4.2, 1896 screens, week 4, $27.6 total

6. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Wein.) - $3.2, 2210 screens, week 3, $26.5 total

7. Soul Men (MGM/Dim)- $2.4, 2048 screens, week 2, $9.4 total

8. The Secret Life of Bees (FoxS) - $2.4, 1449 screens, week 5, $33.6 total

9. Saw V (LGF) - $1.7, 2002 screens, week 4, $55.4 total

10. The Haunting of Molly Hartley (Free) $1.6, 1587 screens, week 3, $12.6 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means pretty much what I said earlier. Smashing records for the Bond franchise, QoS (as the cool kids call it) proves that anyone who answered Bond to the question "Who would win in a fight, Bond or Bourne?" doesn't look like a fool anymore. It made a boat load of cash, enough to keep Dame Judi Dench (DJD, as the cool kids call her) rich enough to go off and do serious movies in the meantime. And by serious, I mean more Riddick movies.

In second, with a small percentage drop was Madagascar 2 The Streets, about dancing animals or something. I didn't see it. Role Models also had a small decrease from last week, and showed some strong legs. the movie's funny as heck, and well worth seeing.

Man, that Riddick movie kicks a lot of arse, too. Why is Vin Diesel wasting my time with XXX 3 and Fasterest and Furioser? We want Riddick!

Below the radar, Danny Boyle's latest Slumdog Millionaire, a touching and I'm willing to bet visually stunning story of an Indian man winning "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" opened up on 10 screens and took in $350,000. A higher per screen average to the QoS, but that QoS average was pretty high, too.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, some nonsense called Twilight is coming out. It's about vampires. It stars the kid who died in the fourth Harry Potter. In a previous life, the new Harry Potter was supposed to open next week. Alas, now we have Twilight. (And ten more days until Transporter 3!!!)

Until next weekend.......

JCVD: It's kinda like...

... Being John Malkovich. But with Jean-Claude Van Damme.



Unfortunately, this could either be fantastic news or the last nail in the coffin for my inspired portrait of the tortured artist "Dolph Days".

Box Office Report: Obama hangover edition

Dude here again. I'm reporting to you for the first time in about 8 years with something I call a semblance of hope. To be honest with you, it's a little disconcerting. But I'll get used to it. I'm speaking of course about the teen girl roller derby league I coach. We've struggled for years (8, to be exact) but finally, after Tuesday, these girls seem like they're ready to take on the skates and finally win us some games. Go Team!

This weekend, in a surprise to nobody, an animated movie dominates in a big way! And the others fall by the wayside, but them's the breaks. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Par/DW)- $63.5, 4056 screens, week 1, $63.5 total

2. Role Models (Uni) - $19.2, 2792 screens, week 1, $19.2 total

3. High School Musical 3: Senior Year (BV) - $9.2, 3464 screens, week 3, $75.7 total

4. Changeling (Uni) - $7.2, 1855 screens, week 3, $20.5 total

5. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Wein.) - $6.5, 2735 screens, week 2, $20.9 total

6. Soul Men (MGM/Dim)- $5.6, 2044 screens, week 1, $5.6 total

7. Saw V (LGF) - $4.2, 2829 screens, week 3, $52.3 total

8. The Haunting of Molly Hartley (Free) $3.4, 2576 screens, week 2, $10.2 total

9. The Secret Life of Bees (FoxS) - $3.1, 1481 screens, week 4, $29.9 total

10. Eagle Eye (Par/DW)- $2.5, 1407 screens, week 7, $96.4 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that if I make an animated movie about talking animals, people will come! In droves! It makes you wonder if the tally would have been as large if the new Bond movie opened this week like it was originally planned. But this isn't about hypothetical. this is about reality. And the reality is that Madagascar 2 made $63 million in three days. I need to check my lotto tickets.

Not even close in second is Role Models, which looks hilarious (I'm seeing it as soon as I'm done typing this), filthy, and the farthest thing from talking animals I want to see in a movie. A very respectable $19 mil opening should bode well for the comedy, which is surprisingly not produced by Judd Apatow.

Moviegoers who felt like paying tribute to two recently deceased legends, Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes, must have been out seeing the talking animal movie (Mac does a voice in it too), as Soul Men was released and hardly made a dent. I've heard it's a grand testament to the talent of Mac and Hayes, but it looks like the crowds just weren't having it. I hope you all feel something that resembles shame now.

Below the radar, a bunch of interesting films opened up in limited release. Repo: The Genetic Opera opened up on 8 screens and took in $51,600. Impressive for a movie that looks like it's trying WAY too hard to worm its way into your cult classic heart. On the other end of the spectrum, though, is JCVD, a self-aware examination of the life of Jean Claude Van Damme. It took in $23,300 on 2 screens, and it should be expanding soon. And a movie called House opened up, but this is neither a) an expansion of the hit TV show; or b) a remake of the 1985 horror "classic". Knowing that, know that it also took in $355,000. But again, not those things you'd think they'd be.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, new Bond movie!! And that means it's only 2 more weeks until a new Transporter movie!!!!!Try to deny your excitement on that one. You can't. You just can't.

Until next weekend.......


(Courtesy of Cracked.com)

Random Star Wars Fix For The Day

Which begs the question, what IS Bobby McFerrin doing?
(Thanks Jim).

The single most important reason why Obama needs to win today.

Is not the free donut at Krispy Kreme, or the free coffee at Starbucks. Or the free Chicken sandwich at Chick-Fill-A. (Although that's pretty damn good, too, let's be honest).

No, the single most important reason Obama needs to win today is so that freakin MoveOn.org will stop sending me emails everyday. I realize it's an important election, and there are many issues at stake on the ballot. With the economy as it is (and me recently being let go from my recent promotion), I'm sure that Obama's fiscal plan will help us out in the long run.

But more than anything, I want MoveOn to stop sending me emails every goddamn day. I can't contribute even $25 to help get ads on the air. And I'm tired of signing petitions to stop other petitions. Enough is enough. I can't take four more years of their incessant emails talking about how fucked we are. I know how fucked we are. I live in this world, too. I don't need daily email reminders informing just how fucked up we actually are.

On another selfish side note, no matter who wins, the campaign commercials can finally stop. And for those in California, that means I don't have to watch the Date Rapist go on his claims about nailing underage kids, and sticking the abortion bill to the tax payers. It's a seriously disturbing ad. Not as disturbing as the giant hate message in the sky yesterday. But still disturbing, nonetheless.


So rock on to e-lec-tion ave-a-nue, and Vote on Calrissian! And no on prop 8!

As a reward, enjoy this Survivor song from Rocky IV, or as I like to call it, the only movie where it's okay to route against Dolph Lundgren.

The most important election of our times.

You better fuckin vote.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Or don't.

It's entirely up to you.

Box Office Report: Daylight Savings Spectacular!

Dude here again. I'm actually Twittering this to you from inside a corn maze. My friends thought it would be fun to go to a corn maze for Halloween, and I've been stuck in here for two days now. It's not as fun as you'd think it would be. But at least the corn is plentiful. I'm kidding of course. I don't even know what the hell Twittering is. (And I don't have friends).

This weekend, it's not just the clocks that are turning back, as there are low box office takes abound! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Hich School Musical 3: Senior Year (BV) - $15.0, 3626 screens, week 2, $61.7 total

2. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Wein.) - $10.6, 2735 screens, week 1, $10.6 total

3. Saw V (LGF) - $10.1, 3084 screens, week 2, $45.8 total

4. Changeling (Uni) - $9.4, 1850 screens, week 2, $10.0 total

5. The Haunting of Molly Hartley (Free) $6.0, 2652 screens, week 1, $6.0 total

6. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (BV)- $4.7, 3004 screens, week 5, $84.0 total

7. The Secret Life of Bees (FoxS) - $4.0, 1611 screens, week 3, $25.2 total

8. Max Payne (Fox) - $3.7, 2564 screens, week 3, $35.5 total

9. Eagle Eye (Par/DW)- $3.4, 2007 screens, week 6, $92.5 total

10. Pride & Glory (WB/NL)- $3.2, 2585 screens, week 2, $11.6 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that they shouldn't open movies on Fridays when Halloween is on a Friday. nobody goes to the movies, and the rest of the numbers are all askew. But High School Musical 3 took another weekend in the top spot. I just can't wait for High School Musical 4: Tiajuana Donkey Show.

Speaking of segues, Zack and Miri Make a Porno took the second spot, in an opening much lower than usual Seth Rogen fair, but pretty much on par for Kevin Smith movies, and enough to claim a victory over the blinding star power of Clint Eastwood and Angelina Jolie, which opened close, but not close enough. Chalk this one up as another victory for porn!

And this Haunting of Molly Hartley movie opened up in fifth, which is pretty impressive to market a teen friendly horror movie on Halloween and base it all on the fact that you have someone from Gossip Girl in it. XOXO

Below the radar, Bruce Campbell's My Name Is Bruce opened up on one screen and took in $18,800, which is the highest per screen average of the week. Well done Bruce. now bring that movie to my town. Along with the next season of Burn Notice. YEAH, Burn Notice!

(That's right. Two weeks in a row with a Burn Notice shout out. Yeah Burn Notice!)

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Role Models, and Madagascar. And a new U.S. President so make sure you vote on Tuesday.

Until next weekend.......

Zack and Miri make beautiful music together.

You know what's truly wonderful? When they tell you what the movie's about right there in the title. Like Aliens Vs. Predator, you know what the movie's going to be about. (Even if they bog it down with 40 minutes of sub-Gossip girl teen nonsense). Or like this latest offering from Kevin Smith: Zack and Miri Make a Porno. You can pretty much figure out that there will be two characters, one named Zack (Seth Rogen), one named Miri (Elizabeth Banks, my latest Hollywood crush), and together they shall make a pornographic motion picture.

In the hands of a lesser director, the movie could provide a few big laughs, but mostly feel shallow. But in the hands of Smith, the film becomes both a touching love story, an eerie topical statement, and a sentimental ode to the director's beginnings, gathering friends together to put on a show utilizing extremely limited means. It just happens that the show in this case involves lots of nudity.

Zack and Miri begins with the titular duo in their current existence. Zack works at a coffee chain, passing out lattes to people who actually care about how their coffee is prepared. He lives with Miri, an achingly hot girl that everyone around wants to be with except Zack. The two of them have a BFF relationship that never once crosses the line into "Can we be more than friends, even without alcohol involved?" territory. Naturally, everybody around them feels they deserve to be together, even if they can't see it.

With troubling times shutting off power, water, and heat, coupled with the sense of depression that always arises from a ten year high school reunion, Zack and Miri come to the inevitable conclusion that they need to live up to the title of their movie. Assembling a wide array of talent from their friends (Craig Robinson, from The Office and Pineapple Express, almost steals the movie away from the leads) the dynamic duo set forth on their venture and discover things about themselves that they never knew. To say what would spoil the movie.

Smith has long been a fan of his own dialogue, and loves to make raunchy but ultimately sweet-natured (and above all honest) films. this is a formula that has been used to much greater success by the Apatow gang lately, and it's nice to see the blending of comedic styles represented by Smith and frequent Apatow collaborator (and me-doppelganger)* Seth Rogen. Rogen fits in nicely to the Smith universe. (important to note, NOT the Askew-niverse, as this film stands alone from Smith's previous works).

What I like about the movie is that, despite the implications of the title, the movie is a rare peak into Smith's nostalgia for making the original Clerks. A group of inexperienced but passionate friends turn their workplace and home environment into a movie studio, all focusing on the project at hand and making new friends and alliances along the way. The scenes when Zack closes down the coffee shop to begin filming captures this perfectly, and I loved every minute of it. And not just because there were naked ladies on the screen. But that certainly helps. **

Ultimately, Zack and Miri provides a wonderful moviegoing experience, full of laughs and heart. There are some flaws (I really hate when people use the instantaneous aspects of internet viewers as a plot device) that are more than easy to overlook, thanks to the chemistry between the two leads, as well as the supporting ensemble. And while there are opportunities where the movie could have been even funnier and raunchier, its' heart never leaves the proper place.


*True story, after the screening, while the credits were rolling in the half darkened theater, someone came up to me and said "Nice job up there" and walked away. I figure it was Rogen they were confusing me for, and not Smith. But either way, Rogen dropped a bunch of weight and looks far better than me now.

**I'd like to point out I wrote this review about a month ago, and since then, everybody, especially Smith, has pointed out that only a few people got the veiled reference to the Clerks days. What I appreciate about it the most is that the gang doesn't have Hollywood ambitions, and the movie doesn't become about filmmaking.

Happy Halloween!

Brand Spankin' New Costume!

Hitting the bigtime*

I wrote a little piece for Defamer today. Check it out.


*Not really.

As usual, it's all my fault.

Box Office Report: High Saw Musical 8! (3+V, git it?)

Dude here again. It's that time of year again. The time of year when I forget it's Halloween, and bust out the old Pac-Man costume in a last ditch effort to attend parties and see girls wearing "sexy" versions of Hallowen favorites. My personal favorite? Sexy Boba Fett!

I need help.

This weekend, a massive battle was fought, and singing tweens beat out torture devices. Unless you consider them one and the same. I do. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Hich School Musical 3: Senior Year (BV) - $42.0, 3623 screens, week 1, $42.0 total

2. Saw V (LGF) - $30.0, 3060 screens, week 1, $30.0 total

3. Max Payne (Fox) - $7.6, 3381 screens, week 2, $29.6 total

4. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (BV)- $6.9, 3190 screens, week 4, $78.1 total

5. Pride & Glory (WB/NL)- $6.3, 2585 screens, week 1, $6.3 total

6. The Secret Life of Bees (FoxS) - $5.9, 1630 screens, week 2, $19.2 total

7. W. (LGF) - $5.3, 2050 screens, week 2, $18.7 total

8. Eagle Eye (Par/DW)- $5.1, 2558 screens, week 5, $87.9 total

9. Body Of Lies (WB) - $4.0, 2150 screens, week 3, $30.8 total

10. Quarantine (ScrGms) $2.5, 2228 screens, week 3, $28.7 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Disney clearly knows what they're doing. They struck while the iron was still hot, they know what works, and they brought that damn musical movie in for a huge landing. (3rd highest October opening!) And for the first time since the second film's release, a Saw movie comes in second. Still, they keep making Saw movies, and a $30 million opening is nothing to shy away from.

Pride & Glory, the long-shelved mediocre-reviewed Edward Norton-Colin Farrell police-drama opened nowhere near the other two releases this weekend. One more nail in the coffin that was New Line cinema.

Below the radar, Clint Eastwood's Changeling opened up on 15 screens, and took in $502,000 with the highest per screen average of all releases. Pretty impressive, but I think it's mostly due to star wattage combo of Angelina Jolie and Clint Eastwood. (Although, I'm seeing it because Burn Notice is in it! Yeah, Burn Notice!). Also, Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut Synecdoche, New York opened up on 9 screens and took in $173,000. And some Anne Hathaway movie called Passengers was dumped on just over a hundred screens and took in $185,000.

And since it's Halloween, Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D was released on just under 300 screens, and took in $372,000. Impressive for a 15 year old movie. Thanks Hot Topic and goth kids around the world for not letting this one die.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Zack and Miri make a Porno, some teen horror movie opens, and I count the days until the new James Bond. (After that, it's all about Watchmen. Did you see that trailer from Scream awards?!?)



Until next weekend.......

Box Office Report: Payne in the arse!

Dude here again. I couldn't quell the chihuahua uprising south of the border. Their numbers are just too plentiful. And I fear dogs. Especially when in large numbers. But I still have yet to return.

This weekend, the chihuahuas are knocked down a peg. But still prove more popular than the president of the U.S. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Max Payne (Fox) - $18.0, 3376 screens, week 1, $18.0 total

2. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (BV)- $11.2, 3239 screens, week 3, $69.0 total

3. The Secret Life of Bees (FoxS) - $11.0, 1591 screens, week 1, $11.0 total

4. W. (LGF) - $10.5, 2030 screens, week 1, $10.5 total

5. Eagle Eye (Par/DW)- $7.3, 3326 screens, week 4, $81.3 total

6. Body Of Lies (WB) - $6.8, 2714 screens, week 2, $24.4 total

7. Quarantine (ScrGms) $6.3, 2463 screens, week 2, $24.6 total

8. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (Sony) - $3.9, 2241 screens, week 3, $26.7 total

9. Sex Drive (Sum) - $3.5, 2421 screens, week 1, $3.5 total

10. Nights in Rodanthe (WB)- $2.6, 2115 screens, week 4, $36.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that lazy copy editors with their fingers squarely on the pulse of the zeitgeist will note that Mark Wahlberg will have "talked to the animals" in first place, and told them to say hello their mothers for him. Which is a fancy way of saying that Max Payne took first place. You know something? I have a good friend named Matt Payne. Where's his movie, huh Mark Wahlberg?

The Secret Life of Bees took in a lot of money. That's nice. But I thought this movie came out last year, with Jerry Seinfeld as the voice of the bee. Maybe I need to pay more attention to things. W. also opened up, which is not a sequel to Q. Instead it's a movie about the current U.S. President that nobody really likes. But the movie made a pretty impressive debut nonetheless.

And there was also a movie called Sex Drive that opened. It featured Amish jokes. I heard it was funny, but comedy and numbers often work inversely. I'm sure this film will find a huge audience and massive success when it's released on video. Which will probably be very soon the way turnaround goes these days.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, it's time for another Saw movie!!! And there's something called High School Musical 3 which is something that makes a lot of young people really excited. I'm excited, because it's from the director of Newsies!

Hasta próximo fin de semana.......

Box Office Report: I'm late. Suck it.

Dude here again. I'm going to keep this short and sweet, as I'm packing for Mexico. The two-week punch of Beverly Hills Chihuahua has me convinced that something is seriously amiss down there. And somebody has to stop this chihuahua uprising. And that person is me.

This weekend, more films were released. Some came close to defeating the chihuahuas, but ultimately failed. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (BV)- $17.5, 3218 screens, week 2, $52.5 total

2. Quarantine (ScrGms) $14.2, 2461 screens, week 1, $14.2 total

3. Body Of Lies (WB) - $13.1, 2710 screens, week 1, $13.1 total

4. Eagle Eye (Par/DW)- $11.0, 3614 screens, week 3, $70.5 total

5. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (Sony) - $6.5, 2421 screens, week 2, $20.8 total

6. The Express (Uni) - $4.7, 2808 screens, week 1, $4.7 total

7. Nights in Rodanthe (WB)- $4.6, 2575 screens, week 3, $32.3 total

8. Appaloosa (WB/NL) - $3.34, 1290 screens, week 4, $10.8 total

9. The Duchess (ParV) - $3.32, 1207 screens, week 4, $5.6 total

10. City Of Ember (Fox) - $3.2, 2022 screens, week 1, $3.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that the combined star power of Crowe and DiCaprio weren't enough to attract people as much as talking dogs and flesh eating zombies. And also that people prefer their football live, and not in filmed form. And that a post apocalyptic kids movie isn't exactly the most marketable of ideas, no matter how innovative the set design is.

So yeah, that's the brief version. Let me stress again, this is a fact finding/butt-kicking mission to Mexico I'm on. It has nothing to do with any sort of pending investigations, and absolutely has nothing to do with a loan shark named "Johnny No-Thumbs". nothing at all.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, a movie about the current US president. And Max Payne, with Mark Wahlberg, who should really consider running for president really. Because nobody would want mess with Mark Wahlberg. Nobody.

Hasta próximo fin de semana.......

Saturday Night Live...on sunday

There's always talk about how Saturday Night Live isn't funny anymore. Or at least it's not as funny as it used to be. I disagree. I think each episode of the past few years always has something worthwhile. yes, there are stupid things, and they still don't know how to end a sketch to save their lives. But I'm an unabashed fan.

A lot of this has to do with the casting. I think Bill Hader is quite possibly the funniest man on the face of the Earth right now. And thanks to Hot Rod, I find Andy Samberg quite hilarious as well. Plus, he voiced a Space Chimp. The rest of the guys are pretty damn good, and the ladies are brilliant. My crush goes between them all, but Amy Poehler is slowly losing, but only because she carries Gob's seed. But Kristin Wiig and Casey Wilson? I like to imagine erotic pillow fights between them. And somehow a pizza is involved.

I may have said too much.

All the attention towards SNL lately has been about the political content. Due to some election that's happening, I guess. And because a former castmate happens to resemble (a do a deaad on impression) of that Palin chick, who I feel weird adding to the aforementioned pillow fight.

But not everything has to be about politics. Sometimes, they'll have a sketch that's just damn funny.



Bonus points for it actually being live, and not one of the digital shorts, typically the best thing in any given episode.

As an extra added bonus, here's the last time I laughed my nads off at one of their sketches.

Box Office Report: For my Dawgs!

Dude here again. Some of you may wonder how I can come up with fresh and exciting new Box Office Reports week after week, full of all the insight and wit you've come to expect from this column. And the answer is simple: bottled up rage and a delusional hope that this is the week that gets me paid. Rarely does it happen (the paying) but that anger fuels the passive aggressive energy that allows me to tell you how much more money Kirk Cameron's Christian firefighting movie made than I did this week. I need money.

This weekend, we've gone and supersized. While the previous weeks only released 4 movies in pretty wide release, October said "Eff that noise! I'm gonna release EIGHT!" Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (BV)- $29.0, 3215 screens, week 1, $29.0 total

2. Eagle Eye (Par/DW)- $17.7, 3516 screens, week 2, $54.6 total

3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (Sony) - $12.0, 2421 screens, week 1, $12.0 total

4. Nights in Rodanthe (WB)- $7.3, 2702 screens, week 2, $25.0 total

5. Appaloosa (WB/NL) - $5.0, 1045 screens, week 3, $5.5 total

6. Lakeview Terrace (ScrG) - $4.5, 2574 screens, week 3, $32.1 total

7. Burn After Reading (Focus) - $4.08, 2397 screens, week 4, $51.6 total

8. Fireproof (Gold) - $4.06, 852 screens, week 2, $12.4 total

9. An American Carol (Viv) $3.8, 1639 screens, week 1, $3.8 total

10. Religulous (LGF) - $3.5, 502 screens, week 1, $3.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that a chihuahua from Beverly Hills made more in three days than those Chimps in space (In SPACE, people!!!) made in their entire run. Le sigh. Leading the pack is the movie about talking dogs. I'm both pleasantly surprised and a little concerned that Beverly Hills Chihuahua only did $29 million. That's LeBouf numbers. Not talking animal numbers. From Disney. Double-you tea eff?

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which is not a the modernized long awaited next entry in The Thin Man series, was the other main performer of the week. It looks like they shot part of the movie where I grew up, so I kind of want to see it. But there's the whole "teenager" thing, and seeing those movies makes me feel creepy. That's why I stay home and watch Degrassi, where nobody can judge me for spying on teen melodrama.

Appaloosa widened it's screen count like a belt on Thanksgiving day, and took in a respectable amount. From there on, the other new releases didn't fare too well. An American Carol and Religulous (the 6th consecutive weekly Lionsgate release!) round out the top ten, with a nice little battle of right versus left politics, disguised as laughter. Allegedly, I've heard American Carol isn't all that funny, which is disturbing coming from a man who brought us Airplane.

Underneath the top ten are three more wider releases. Flash of Genius, the inspiring true-life tale of the man who invented the intermittent windshield wiper (exciting film subject there) took in $2.3 million. Right on that one's heels comes Blindness, pulling in just above $2 million. And How To Lose Friends and Alienate People, starring one Simon Pegg (Who I made laugh one time) lands in 19th place on the list, taking in $1.4 million

Below the radar, Rachel Getting Married, starring Anne Hathaway and directed by Jonathan "Silence of the Lambs" Demme, opened up on 9 screens and took in $303,000, with a per screen average of around $33,000. That's the best average out of all films this weekend, including LeBouf.

And after 13 weeks, Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D finally crossed the elusive $100 million mark. This makes Brendan Fraser and Robert Downey Jr. the kings of opening movies this summer. Meditate on THAT.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, I'm sure something spooky comes out. Because Halloween is right around the corner. Oh, and there's another Ridley Scott movie starring Russell Crowe coming out. I often feel that if given the chance, Ridley Scott would pull a Lucas and replace everyone in Blade Runner with Russell Crowe.

Until next weekend....

Happy Birthday Sting!

Now don't stand so close to me!

Get it? Because he sang that song... "It's Not Unusal".

Hump Day

You might or might not wanna watch this at work