Stranger Than Fiction, Better Than I Thought

Stranger Than Fiction takes a premise that feels like it was lifted from a post-it note in Charlie Kaufman's wastebasket. "A guy suddenly hears omniscient narration, hears of his imminent demise, and tries to figure out who's narrating and how he can save his life". And the resulting film could easily have been Charlie Kaufman-lite; studio infused weirdness for the sake of being weird. Cast Will Ferrell in it, and the audiences will have a grand old time.

Luckily the film is much better than on paper.

Fiction follows the life of Harold Crick (Ferrell), a lowly IRS agent consumed by numbers, spatial relations, and patterns. We're introduced to Crick on a very typical day, beginning with the exact number of brush strokes on his teeth in the morning, to the exact time he falls asleep every night. Alone. Harold is a lonely man, with few friends, as most people who work for the IRS might be given the amount of disdain the general population holds for our friends at the Internal Revenue Service. But all this changes the next morning when Harold hears the narration the audience has been hearing since the beginning of the film.

In a normal movie, this would lead to hijinks. Possibly shennanigans. But not so much here. Sure, there's the initial freak out scenes, especially when Harold realizes that nobody else can hear this voice. These are the scenes used in the trailers, which unfortunately give a little too much away and are misleading. And while yes, they are funny, that's not what the movie's about. It's about a lot of things, too many to truly get into without spoiling the movie for others, but above all it's about that living a life worth living. (There's also the notion of self sacrifice, the impact of fiction, consequences, etc,. But this is the one I took with me).

Harold tries to figure out, with the aid of a literature professor (wonderfully played by Dustin Hoffman) if his life, the life being narrated to him, is a comedy or a tragedy. Harold judges this by his interactions with Ana Pascal (my occasional crush Maggie Gyllenhaal, making a strong case for me once again). Ana is a baker, running a bohemian (or was it anarchist?) baked goods shop, that is being audited by Harold. Naturally she hates him at first. Does he win her over? All I'm going to say is how he tries is equal parts hilarity and sweetness, without going over the top. (Also, him bringing her "flowers" is ingenious.

Soon enough, Harold discovers (as we the audience have) that his life is being written by Karen Eifel (Emma Thompson) a once great and prolific writer who now suffers from writer's block and smokes too many cigarettes, which she extinguishes with much disgust. With the help of an unwanted assistant provided by her publishers (Queen Latifah, who's always wonderful and whom I want to hug someday, but that's my own thing), Eifel needs to figure out how to kill off her protagonist. Karen, it should be noted, is unaware as to Harold's actual existence.

All the actors are top notch, never over playing their roles nor making them too ridiculous. Ferrell is the standout, though. Harold Crick is not a funny man, and he is not played as such. Will Ferrell plays the role for the laughs as much as he plays the pathos, the sad sack existence of his character. His journey is quite outstanding. There will be many comparisons to Jim Carrey and his work in The Truman Show, but Will Ferrell seems more natural in this role. The more apt comparison would be with Steve Martin in some of his more serious roles. Everyone in the cast is spot on, but this is Ferrell's movie, and without him working the movie falls apart. Thankfully, he holds it together and then some.

Directed by Marc Forster (Monster's Ball, Finding Neverland, and the SUPREMELY underrated Stay), the film has a unique visual style that only sometimes draws attention to itself, yet never overshadows it. The visual interpretation of how Harold views the world is quite clever. And he also coaxes great performances from all. (I might have mentioned that a few times). The script, written by Zach Helm, mines the humor out of character, not situation. The premise is a bit out there, but it doesn't dwell on how "clever" it is. Instead it takes it as a leaping point, which is what those great Charlie Kaufman scripts also do. These films are grounded in reality, which makes their premises easier to swallow. The photography is quite good, capturing a never identified Chicago in a light I've never seen. Editing is good as is the music (provided in part by Britt Daniel of Spoon).

Stranger Than Fiction is not a raucous comedy along the lines of other Will Ferrell movies, but it is quite funny. It's also very sweet and oddly touching. It inspired a lot of good feelings in me that few movies do anymore. It's a great time all around.

Road Trip Stories: The musical selections

It's been sitting here, along with about 4 other movie reviews, so I figure I'll break up the monotony of my reviews (The Little Children review was awesome, but the internet crashed and lost it all) I decided to write up the musical selections that accompanied me on my journey.

Notes to consider- I had to listen to the CD in it's entirety. I COULD repeat songs, but I could not skip them. Those are the rules. Stupid, I realize, but that's why you love me.

Because of the 6 CD changer, I decided to group my selections by a vaguley common thread. Those are the headers atop. I have some comments about certain CDs (see deez nuts!) that will appear. Enjoy.

First Leg- The Classic Starters:
Radiohead - Kid A
Cypress Hill - Black Sunday
White Stripes - White Blood Cells
Underworld - Dark and Long (EP) (So happy I found this import, it's worth a lot of cash)
Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
Ocean's 11 - Soundtrack

Morning Becomes Eclectic (Started the 2nd day with these)
Traffic - Soundtrack/Score
Funky Porcini - The Ultimately Empty Million Pounds
Nacho Mixx (Compilation mix from my friend Lizz)
Air - Talkie Walkie
Chill Out In The City (compilation of dance and house, purchased during my "Rave" days)
Boards of Canada - The Campfire Headphase

Vaguely (Mostly) Rockin
Dave Matthews Band - Under the Table and Dreaming (Don't judge me)
The Soundtrack of our Lives - Behind The Music
Genius - Liquid Swords (Badass, and not really rock, but who cares?)
Coldplay - XY (see DMB comment)
Beck - Odelay
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand

Next Leg (no real reasoning)
Green Mile - score
New Pornographers - Twin Cinema
Broadcast - Ha Ha Sound
Sufjan Stevens - Illinoise (Ok, it needs to be noted that I placed this in the player when I drove through Illinois. I'm lame like that, but when else would I be able to do something like this?)
Johnny Cash - Live at San Quentin
Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers
Underworld - A Hundred Days Off

Just Plain Fun!
They Might Be Giants - Flood
Pulp Fiction - Soundtrack
Out of Sight - Soundtrack
David Holmes - Let's Get Killed
REM - Green
Thievery Corporation - The Outernational Sound

Rollin Into Town (Soundtrack Crazy)
Ethiopiques - vol 13
Wicker Park - Soundtrack
Massive Attack - Unleashed soundtrack
Little Miss Sunshine - Soundtrack
Underworld - Pearl's Girl
The Last Kiss - Soundtrack (BRRRRAAAAFFFF!!!!)

Reunion - Jersey Drivin
Scissor Sisters - Ta Da (I Don't Feel Like Dancin' became the unofficial theme of the reunion for me and Becca)
Jersey Mix (a collection of tunes I used to play at the jukebox of my local bar, The Winchester)
Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News
The Shins - Oh Inverted World/Chutes Too Narrow (I have them both on one CD)
White Stripes - Elephant
Gorillaz - Gorillaz

The Journey Back
Lost In Translation - Soundtrack
Your Head A Splode - Mix from Holmes
Dust Brothers - Fight Club Soundtrack
Chill #1 (Mix of ambient electronica I made)
Chill #2 (See Chill #1)
Lizz Mix #2 - Kind of self explanatory

Cruisin'
Beck - The Information (Last track was screwing up, though)
The Sounds of Low Cool (Mix CD I made for the Low Cool premiere party)
Go Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Spacemonkeys - Spacemonkeys vs. Gorillaz
Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
Get Shorty - Soundtrack

Rockin Like It's 1995 (ish)
Nirvana - From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah
Pearl Jam - Vitalogy
Live - Throwing Copper
Alice In Chains - Nothing Safe: Best of the Box
Foo Fighters - There is Nothing Left to Lose
Soundgarden - Superunknown (Quite possibly favorite album of all time)

There's a Reason Behind These
Wolf Parade - Apologies to Queen Mary
We Are Scientists - With Love and Squalor
New Maximum Donkey - Spirit of the Donks
Under The Influence of Giants - Under The Influence of Giants
Jack Johnson - Curious George (Time to get curious!)
Beth Orton - Comfort of Strangers

Sexy Chanteuse Siren Songs (whose last names all begin with M as a weird coincidence)
Alanis Morrisette - Jagged Little Pill
Nellie McKay - Come With Me (Discs 1 & 2)
Joni Mitchell - Blue
Sarah McLoughlin - Surface (see DMB and Coldplay comments)
Aimee Mann - The Forgotten Arm

HOMESTRETCH (Began in the wee hours of the morning to keep me awake on)
Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin 3
Old 97s - Alive and Wired (2 cds)
Modest Mouse - Lonesome Crowded West
Underworld - Dark and Long (again)
Radiohead - Amnesiac

However, due to the fact that I was pretty crazy at the very end, I decided to repeat track 2 of Dark and Long, entitled Thing in a Book, for the remainder of the trip. The song is 20 minutes long, and it repeated 6 times by the time I finally made it home. I was definitely a little loopy by the end.

There you have it. Klosterman I am not, but I'm ok with that.

More reviews coming soon, including The Prestige, The Departed and Running With Scissors. And Stranger Than Fiction, if we make it in time today.

I saw Saw... part 3. (minor spoilage)

I take back what I said about Cary Elwes in the first Saw movie. I took back what I said about Leigh Whannell (the other guy in the room with the Dread Pirate Roberts) and his acting after I met him and discovered that he was hiding his accent. But I still didn't think that Cary Elwes was any good in the first movie.

But oh no. Now there's Angus Macfayden. He's an actor I generally enjoy. He was great in Equilibrium, as well as Braveheart (although, I don't fellate that film like so many others do). But here, in Saw 3, as the latest victim in Jigsaw's twisted little mind games, he's horrible. Seriously. Never believed him for a second. And although I think he's supposed to be drunk and/or hungover, he looks as if he might actually be drunk and stumbled into the wrong movie.

Luckily for us, and bad for the movie, Macfayden really isn't in the film all that much. I say bad for the movie because his storyline is the more interesting of the film, and it's barely in there. Macfayden plays Jeff, a father who lost his son three years ago to a drunk driver. The drunk driver got off with 6 months in prison, and Jeff feels it shouuld have been longer, and he plots his drunken revenge while ignoring his wife and daughter. Seriously, he talks in the mirror holding the gun, while in his bathrobe, and rehearses what he'd say to the man. But he does nothing about it.

Anyway, he's trapped by Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) and Amanda (Shawnee Smith, who looks great for having just given birth in real life.) in a maze of horrific "tests", meant to bring Jeff closer to either forgiving those involved or exacting his vengeance.

But there's another plot going on while this is happening. This involves the kidnapping of a doctor named Lynn (Bahar Soomekh). Lynn is an expert surgeon, and this is shown in a terrible scene. On the plus side, this scene manages to prove that even in a more "Dramatic" scene, no scene in a Saw movie is complete without excessive blood.

Right, so Lynn is kidnapped by Amanda, and forced to keep Jigsaw alive so that he may view Jeff's progress through the tests. Jigsaw, you may remember, has a brain tumor which is the main instigator behind his blood soaked "life lessons". He's on his deathbed in his creepy lair, tended to by Amanda and now by Lynn. Lynn, it should be noted, has a collar around her neck which contains multiple shotgun shells cocked and at the ready. Should Jigsaw's heart rate stop, the collar will activate. Which means blood and carnage, but it also means that Lynn has to do everything in her power to keep Jigsaw alive just long enough. This also involves a scene involving some impromptu surgery, which I am kind of proud to admit is the first scene in motion picture history to make me want to vomit.

Seriously, I almost did. I couldn't believe it. Not just knee jerk "ewww", but full on I could feel it rising in my stomach. It's a disgusting scene. Mostly due to sound design. I'll let you discover it for yourself if you want.

Oh, and interspersed throughout the film are flashbacks that take up far too much time. And not flashbacks like in the first film, which actually helped figure out the plot. These flashbacks feel like padding, which the film, at almost 2 hours, doesn't really need. Saw 2 was lean as hell and moved like a bullet. This one... well, more on this later. But there really is no need to see what exactly happened involving Jigsaw's setting up of the events in the first film. At least, there's no need to spend as much time as they did on it, even if it was nice to uncover how Jigsaw managed to stay on the ground for so long without giving away his game.

Ok, so that's what happens in the movie. Sounds like quite a bit doesn't it? On top of that, you have what feels like three separate openings to the film that kind of drag, and seem only intersted in disgusting you and/or making you cheer. I enjoyed these scenes, and the macabre sense that went into coming up with them, but, and I never thought I'd say this about a Saw movie, they feel kind of forced. As if to say "You thought the needle scene in Saw 2 was gross? Check this shyte out!"

On top of which, these scenes have little to do with the actual plot of the film. Sure, they have a bit of character development, but they don't quite work so well, if I understand the ending correctly. At least not in a way that makes a lot of sense.

And this is what kills me about Saw 3, especially after Saw 2. Saw 2 had a momentum, a great sense of pacing in addition to the brutality. And that brutality was clever. Here, it's just disgusting, as if the director is taunting Eli Roth to top him in Hostel 2. (which will probably happen). Saw 3 doesn't deliver like it should. Sure it's disgusting, and some of it is fun if you're as twisted as I am, but after awhile it becomes irritating. On top of which, there is the need for a "Twisty ending" that's all the rage these days, that again doesn't quite add up. (Although the final shocker I felt was pretty damn good).

I have no idea what's going to happen in Saw 4, but I can honestly say I'm not looking forward to it. Saw 3 is kind of a mess, with some hastily edited scenes and poor writing. Gone is the wit of the first two movies, staying behind is the poor acting and the grotesque death sequences, which feel more gross than clever. And this is a damn shame, because Jigsaw is one of the only movie-land killers I enjoyed seeing. He was a more demented John Doe, who seemed to actually have a good enough motive. Alas, Saw 3 feels like it was just made for the money and not the love. And that's what ultimately is it's downfall.

Oh well. There's always Hostel 2.

The short version

I promise a much much longer version of my journies (not to be confused with Journey, whom I saw share a stage with Def Leppard LIVE at the Hollywood Bowl right before I left, which ROCKED!!) but the short version is, I finally made it back to La with plenty of time to spare before the Halloween party, to show off an awesome costume I made with Maude. If I can figure out how to post pictures (because there was no embedded video of my actions, thank christ) I'll put it up for all to see.

But I learned a few things on this road trip:

1) It takes 27 hours non stop from Memphis to Los Angeles.

2) Driving those 27 straight hours is not the smartest of ideas.

3) Coming off said 27 hours to a house that doesn't contain your bed (or any real bed for that matter) sucks worse than a {Insert disgusting oral sex joke here}.

4) The Departed? Pretty fuckin good. REALLY fuckin good, actually.

5) Trip sure would have been better if I had a travelling companion. (But many thanks to all of you who called or texted or both to keep me awake and relatively sane.)

6) I'm not Chuck Klosterman, but you could have fooled me at times.

7) My old favorite bar, The Winchester, now sucks, as they've remodeled, accepted kareoke, banned smoking, and taken away the section of the bar where I carved my name. But they kept my 11 Up high score, so I can forgive them. For now...

8) Now that Jersey instituted the no smoking in bars policy, and given that most of my friends have quit smoking, I didn't miss cigarettes at all. And I could smell things again! Something to ponder.

9) I came up with an AWESOME new script idea, hopefully I can get paid for it. Too bad I can't stand the sound of my voice on my recorder to listen to what I came up with. C'est la vie.

10) Becca RULES!!! Not only did we enjoy having a little fun at my classmate's expense (She's either my common-law wife, or my anarchic "non-wife" who doesn't believe in marriage, but either way is 2 weeks pregnant with my child), but she went and got me the greatest birthday present EVER: Tickets to Evil Dead The Musical, which happens to be the greatest show I've ever seen. I'll do a full report later, but if you go to Ain't It Cool, you can find a rave review that pretty much sums up what I would say about it.

11) Jersey's got the greatest pizza. Deal with it.

12) We're not gonna talk about the Mets yet.

Those are small observations. The longer version will come in various pieces as soon as I get settled into the new apartment, which we officially move into on Wednesday. Once that dust settles, I'll get back on the writing train and may even scrounge up some cash to see a movie to review. Oh, and I'll also list my entire musical selection for the trip, which I plotted out and kept track of, because I'm a weirdo.

But let's be honest, that's why you love me.

Still alive...

Still alive. Made the drive in one piece, thanks to all who called and kept me sane. I was smart enough to know that when the voices in my head made sense, it was time to pull over. I'll have a full update soon, most likely when I return to LA. There will be many a funny story to tell, and I need the time to make it sound less like Chuck Klosterman as possible.

Anyway, the reunion is tomorrow, so that shall provide hours of entertainment. In addition to the unbelievably bitchin Halloween costume, which I shall try and post a picture of.

Anyway, I'm not gonna lie as to the intoxicated state I happen to be in at the moment. And I'm gonna apologize in advance for any calls and/or texts anyone may get due to this.

Oh, and if anyone feels like calling to entertain me during the drive back, feel free. They are most helpful.

On the road again...

Yes indeed, in about a half hour, I begin the journey back home to NJ for food folks and fun. And a high school reunion. That should be... interesting.

I'll try and update from the road, provided I can get interenet connections and such. Plus, I have to get my review of Little Children up. Perhaps that will be a little later. (Long story short: It's GOOD)

Wish me luck. And seeing as how mostly only my friends read this blog, I'll give up a PLEASE CALL ME WHILE I'M ON THE ROAD!! Seriously, I'm gonna be mad bored out there. Last time I drove by myself, but Dan was in the car behind me. (although, it will be nice to see what's behind me, as opposed to last time.)

Alright, so all my music is packed and ready (that was an ardous task, and took longer than packing my clothes. And I have about 200 CDs with me. See Deez Nuts), I have all of Rob's stuff to return for him, and I know where my towel is.

Looks like all I have to do is get in the car and start driving.

Later everybody.

Grammer question...

I see this a lot, and I always think it's wrong, but given the incredible frequency with which I see it, I'm starting to think that it MIGHT be right.

Sometimes, I see people write "Should of" or "Would of". Isn't it "Should've" or "Should have"? (Likewise "Would've", etc)

Am I crazy? Did I miss a memo?

Comment Difficulty

Hey all. My comments section was changed again. Not allowing you to post comments. It's fixed now, and should work. Give it a try!

Rodriguez's Half of Grindhouse - Trailer

Ummmm....



Looks pretty badass. Especially Danny Trejo. I wonder if his Machete character is the same as Uncle MAchete from Spy Kids. That would just be plain funny.

Lost - Season 3, Week 2 (spoilers within)

Not a big fan of the Sun/Jin flashbacks, any of them really through all the seasons. It divides too much time between them, and lately, it's kind of the same thing. Jin does horrible things for Sun's father, and he doesn't really like doing them. I get it.

However, these were a bit more interesting, and as always, I'm hoping they contain a bigger payoff.

Speaking of payoffs, however, I gotta say the last five minutes of this episode are top notch. Henry Gale, or Benjamin Linus I guess, dropping his very creepy guard when convincing Jack that the Boston Red Sox won the world series was one of those great little character moments. And the other information he revealed to Jack made me sit up in my chair.

And that chair is a Lay-Z-Boy. And it leans heavily to the right.

I also sat up straight upon Sun's actions on the boat. That was mighty cool. And with Sawyer and Kate's situation. Damn, I love Sawyer. Not in a Julian MacMahon way, though.

I have three problems with Lost thus far this season, mostly minor stuff, but one big thing: (minor ones first)

1) The flashbacks are nowhere near as interesting as what's happening to them all on the island. Not anymore, anyway.

2) Goddamn it, show Mr. Eko!!! (Yes, I realize they'll be in next week's, but still. Last season's opening 2 spent one with Jack and them, and the next with what happened on the boat with Sawyer, Jin and Micahel. You can mix it up, it's ok.

3) (the big one) Is it me, or are there FAR too many commercial breaks? At one point, it felt like Lost was the commercial break, because it was way too short. It's driving me nuts. SEE DEEZ NUTS! It feels weird, and is pretty distracting. Am I just going crazy? Am I getting old and senile? Do I long for the days of yesteryear? Well, that one's a given, obviously. Grrrrr...

On the plus side, one of those commercials was Rico's Wendy's commercial, so it was nice to see him on the small screen.

This part is for T-bone: I'm not being negative towards Lost. I still think it's one of the greatest shows on TV. It's a lot like my review of King Kong last year. I wasn't overly enthusiastic in my writings, but I do quite love it. I nitpick because frankly, that's in the written agreement of writing a blog. I must be snarky and point out flaws. This season is quite kickass, and I'm sure the next 4 episodes will be fine, until the season goes on hiatus to piss us off. Brrrraaaaffffffff!!!!!!

Speaking of segues: TNT ran the Alias episode with Ricky Gervais as the bombmaker tonight. I never saw that one. Damn, Gervais is a great actor.

If anyone feels like discussing last night's Lost, that's what the comments are for.

Unemployed Couch Viewings

"An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations."

I thought that amusing and whimsical, and yet all too true.

Anyway, I have some mini-tweeners for y'all today. As I have no real job anymore, I spend a lot of time on my couch, while it's still here, along with our home theater set-up. So, I have a lot of films to watch and all the time in the world to do just that. If only I could get paid...

Silent Hill- Missed this one when it came out, although I really wanted to see it. It truly is a 2 hour Tool video, but it's pretty damn cool. I can't tell you what it's about for the life of me, though. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. The film itself is bursting with atmosphere, and visually, it's beautiful. The dude with the pyramid head is badass, and the ending is something straight out of Hellraiser, if the Hellraiser movies were ever given a budget greater than a direct to video series. So very creepy, but even with a grainy, ten minute super-8 scene that's all exposition, I still can't make heads or tails of the flick. Worth checking out, though. It's also one of the best video game adaptations since Super Mario Brothers.

Scary Movie 4- Movie spoofs have gotten kind of lazy lately. Most of them are too wrapped up in making the joke that they forget about the movie. Scary Movie 4 is no exception. It's full of random, stupid pointless parodies of recent movies, like Brokeback Mountain. It also sort of relies on you having seen The Grudge, The Village, Saw, Million Dollar Baby, and War of the Worlds. Or at least having seen the trailers for said movies. It's a loose pastiche, that manages to somewhat tie together in the loosest of possible ways. And yet, I caught myself laughing out loud at quite a few things. Specifically, Craig Bierko in the War of the Worlds parody. He's genius. Some of his bits fall flat, but damn is he funny. If it's late, and you're in an altered state of mind, and it's on, check it out. There are a lot worse things out there.

The Lake House- Fuck y'all, I really liked it.

Edmond- Here's a strange movie. It's directed by Stuart Gordon, who brought us Re-animator and my personal favorite Fortress. (The one with the intestinators!). But it's not a horror film, or even a psychological thriller. It's straight up strange. It's based on a play by David Mamet, who adapted the script as well. It stars William H. Macy as Edmond (title). He begins the movie by ending his marriage with his wife, then he goes on a quest through the city (I think it was supposed to be New York, but it was clearly LA, if you know the geography of the town) searching for sexual satisfaction he can not gain from his wife. It's very strange, and it goes places most movies wouldn't. But it's got a killer Macy performance, and decent supporting turns from most of the cast. (Mena Suvari wasn't all that good, but Julia Stiles didn't annoy me too much). It is pretty weird, though. Especially Edmond's choices leading to the finale.

Hard Candy- Holy crap, this movie is awesome. Right now, it's on par with Proposition for my favorite flick of the year. It's intense, and twisted as hell, but I never took my eyes off the screen. I'm pissed I missed this one in theaters. What's fascinating about the film is that it's essentially a 2 person film. It's the story of Hayley (Ellen Page) and Jeff (Patrick Wilson). Jeff is a photographer and internet predator, trolling chat rooms trying to ensnare teen girls. Hayley is his latest victim. Or is she?!?!? I highly reccommend this film. It's shot beautifully, cut well, and acted perfectly. Ellen Page is brilliant as Hayley, and you can't take your eyes off her. Completely different from her role as Kitty Pryde in X3: Hey We Tried. And she's 19, not 14, so you can't feel bad for finding her slightly attractive, despite the pedophile theme of the film. Patrick Wilson is also quite good, as you never quite know if he is indeed responsible for touching young girls in inappropriate ways. Goddamn this is one good movie.

I also caught Thank You For Smoking (you can read my original review over at moviesonline), Cars, and aforementioned Proposition. Smoking and Cars are being evaluated for their Home Theater potential, and thus will not be written about here, for fear of not receiving a check from the lovely folk at the magazine. Do yourself a favor and pick up a Home Theater Magazine. Even if you don't have a home theater. The more you read it, the more reviews I get. And lord knows I need the rent money.

Until next time. Next time being tomorrow when I have even less to do.

PS- It should also be noted that I discovered our On Demand capabilities, and for reasons I can not, repeat NOT, explain I watched Battlefield Earth. In a surprising move, it should be noted that this choice was a completely sober one, baffling us all.

Is Zach Snyder the greatest director out there?

At least of the current crop of young turks. Sure he's only officially made two movies, and only one of them has been released. But that movie was the remake of Dawn of the Dead. I know some people who hate this movie with a passion solely because it called itself Dawn of the Dead, feeling it a betrayal of the original. Oddly enough, those people would love the movie (and they've said this to me) if it were named something else.

Fact is, those people are idiots. Recently, I happened upon Dawn and realized how damn brilliant the film is. Very little is wasted. And it has one of the greatest openings of a movie in all time. Try and prove me wrong. Go ahead.

That's right, you can't.

So, nearly three years later, we're still wondering what's gonna happen with Zach Snyder.

He went the Sin City route and made a Frank Miller adaptation, in digital environments.

It's "300"

And it will kick you in the junk. Hard.



And just to sweeten Snyder's deal with us, he's taking on Watchmen. And recent reports of what he has in mind sound all kinds of hot rod.

I don't know what to make of this...

Someone has too much free time on their hands...



... and yet I'm pissed I didn't think of it first.

Sheer Genius

I finally saw a movie in the theaters this weekend. I couldn't believe it. After many false starts, I found myself sitting down in the Burbank Town Centre AMC 8. Not bad, but not that great either. But it didn't matter, because what was unspooled before me was pure and utter brilliance.

I speak of Jackass Number Two.

Much like "Snakes on a Plane", you pretty much know if Jackass the second is the movie for you. If you don't like seeing grown men doing some of the more brilliant yet unbelievably dumb things ever captured on celluloid (or digital video then transferred to celluloid, only to return to a digital format in about 4 months). If human feces and vomit are not your viscera of choice, go on and see something with ponies in it. (Although with the horse semen drank in this film, ponies might be in short supply).

Yeah, you read that properly.

There's no plot, it's just stupid pranks, usually meant to torture one another for everyone's amusement. And for ones that don't work so well, or produce far too much vomit, all you have to do is wait a few minutes, and something brilliant will come along. My personal favorite stunts involved the note left for the Jackass guys in the hotel room, the beehive limo complete with marbles, the mine, the card thrower,the anaconda ball pit, and the bungee jump. There are far too many stunts, and everything I try to recall, I just wind up laughing harder. Seriously, I laughed so hard in this movie I burst a teste.

And this is the exact kind of movie that would take that blurb and run it with pride.

The sheer genius of the picture comes from the boys themselves. They're so damn charismatic, that you want them to continue doing these things to themselves for your benefit. The fact that they have top the last stunt in sheer ridiculousness (or audacity, or top it in sheer disgust) proves that there's a little more going on in their heads then it appears. Most of it hidden behind the shit eating grin of Bam Margera, who's never one to turn down torturing his friends and loved ones. (His family actually gets off a little easy this time around). Some of the one-upmanship to exact revenge on Margera is brilliant. Or, as Ryan Dunn puts it after branding Margera (I'll leave it to your imagination what was branded and where) "It was funny."

Of course, the genius could come from that when in doubt, you can hit someone in the balls. Pure comedy.

But the very fact that Steve-O is not only willing, but PROUD AS HELL, to place a leech on his eyeball deserves at least a nomination for the Nobel.

UPDATE: Sadly, Steve-O did NOT win the Nobel. I found this to be a serendipitous moment.

Let us take a moment...

And remember fondly upon the joys of the Regency $2 dollar theater in North Hollywood. It was right across the street from my doctor's office (which is right next door to a strip club, I love my HMO), and it wasn't a bad place to catch a movie. Not at all. Popcorn was tasty, the seats were... alright. But the projection and sound was fine. Better than some I've seen out here. (cough*AMC*cough). And it was $3. I never mind paying $3 for 3 Fast 3 Furious or Aeon Flux.

But now...

It's gone.

Well, it's moved to West Hollywood, which is too damn far.

Goodbye Regency! You shall be missed.

2 Brief Bits of TV last night also worth mentioning

1) Ok, so Nip/Tuck is one moving sculpture away from becoming The Devil's Advocate, especially these past two seasons, but I'll be damned if it didn't make me do something I never thought I would say/do ever again: It made me actually like Rosie O'Donnell. She wasn't annoying. She was playing a good character. And she was actually funny as hell. Not since Another Stakeout did I think I could ever feel this way again. Thank you Rosie, for not becoming completely annoying. Wow, first the Joan Rivers episodes, and now Rosie O Donnell.

This in no way means that I will ever watch the View.

2) That glorious 2nd inning blunder where the 3rd base coach waved both runners into being tagged at home. Final score Mets 6, Dodgers 5.

We play again tonight at 5PM (PST)

That's right. I'm totally Hollywood now. I use Pacific Standard time.

(Pacific Standard Time Deez NUTS!!!!)

LOST is back on the air. (Spoilers abound)

Alright, this is goin out to my faithful readers who love Lost, and who want to discuss it. I tried this last year, towards the end, but y'all didn't keep up with it. I'm looking in an Eastwardly direction, towards the NJ/NY area.

Anyway, last night, Lost began the third season. In a ballsy move, totally unprecedented in the series up to this point, they really didn't answer any questions. They showed a whole bunch of cool stuff, and they kind of hinted at things here and there, but it's still a little angering. Still no explanation as to why it's the three of them captured (and why Hurley's let go), or why they're in their respective "cages" if you will. (Although the Sawyer bit was kind of neat, in a Rube Goldberg induced kinda way).

The episode set up a lot of good things, and it truly was an engrossing hour of television, even if it felt like a half hour of it was devoted to commercials. I'm hoping they keep up the intrigue but answer some more stuff. And I'm sure, as someone back east might be quick to point out, there are a lot of details and clues hidden within frames that I just can't see because I have yet to get into the Tivo revolution, and our video tape is kind of on it's last legs, making pausing and studying rather difficult. Regardless, I like the "Hydra" base camp a lot. They gave off a few hints as to the "where did this come from" aspect of the show. And while they don't give the broader answer, the immediate will suffice provided that the show doesn't pull the Twin Peaks.

Please, let us discuss theories below.

When it rains it pours

This has not exactly been the greatest of times. I apologize for not writing any movie reviews, but aside from that Science of Sleep review I keep meaning to finish writing,I haven't seen any movies. It's frightening. I don't know what's happened to me. I used to love going to the movies. I mean, I still do love going to the movies, I just haven't gone lately. It's frightening.

But lately, it's been kind of crazy with my job ending and the search for a new apartment. On top of which this puts a wrench into my enjoying unemployment and taking a bitchin road trip across the country, going back home to visit my friends & family. And my lil buddy Simon, who probably has no idea who I am anymore. And I gotta find a new job, so I can afford the move, or at least afford the rent increase. And I don't really have the greatest credit in the world, and those damn lottery tickets aren't paying off.

My morning is at a low, and then I have to go and read this.

Motherfucka!

Big Pimpin!!

Tonight, on Spike TV (you know, the network for men. And James Bond. And Blade, although I hear not anymore) there's a segment on the motion picture you've never heard of: Gamers.



Check it out, throw these cats some love.

DanSpeak 9-30-06

On the circle of life: I don't like pregnant women!

Happy National Steve Guttenberg Day!!!

I'm gonna celebrate like they did in the old country, and recite, word for word, the romantic poetry spewed forth from Lubba Murunga in Don't Tell Her It's Me.

That's how much I love the Gutte!

Too much damn brilliance.

At first there was the "Dan and Mike's #1 Fan" Wedding T-shirt.

Then came the "Koffee Kompanion" drinking mugs adorned with our mugs.

Then, a pillowcase, to help you fall asleep at night.

But nothing could prepare Dan's friends... for this.

Putting My Degree To Good Use

Research. Sometimes it just has to be done in the name of.. finding... things.. out and stuff.

It's useful in all aspects of life, whither it be to investigate the twelve steps of AA for a script, or to better help you understand what that rash REALLY is, and what you can do to help spread the infection.

It's also quite useful when you should be packing up the office, but instead full a bizarre urge to unearth long ago true crime stories. Such as this one.

*********************************************

n 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, who thought the ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police.

Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion and possession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Contrary to popular belief, this incident did not cause Domino's to pull the "Noid" campaign off the air; rather, Will Vinton Studios asked for a larger amount of money to continue animating the Noid commercials, and Domino's chose not to renew their contract.


**********************************************

Thank you, Wikipedia

I just love it so damn much.

Try getting it out of your head now.

The Commercial (I hope)

I'm all for whoring myself out. Especially if Vitamin Water is concerned. But everry now and then, we have to whore out for our friends, who inadvertently sold themselves a long time ago.

If I can get it to work, I present to you a commercial starring Dan, my oft abused roommate. (He's the guy getting some).

Here's hoping.

VirginSpaBombWeb.mov

UPDATE: It didn't work.

To bring it around full circle...

I found the clip from The Simpsons the other night. Let's have some fun and see if Fox gets pissed and asks me to take this down.

But you can't. You just can't fight the internet. Because you can do anything you want. Anything at all on the internet.



For the record, I LOVE the expressions on Jack White's face.

Also for aforementioned record, I still have just as big a crush on cartoon Meg White as the real one.

METS: FUCK YEAH!

Oh happy day! Ok, so maybe it's looking more like a reenactment of the 2000 series, but you bet your ass we're gonna bring it.

A little White Stripes for your Monday

I was inspired by the gag on the Simpsons last night. I thought that was very well done.



The rest of the episode had it's moments, but I thought the White Stripes gag was the bees knees.

Bullshit

I'm obsessed with the Craigslist "Missed Connection" section. It's crazy, and I wish I could explain it. In theory, it's a brilliant idea: Post a message for someone you might have seen or ran into but forgot to get a number or make a move. Basically, it's a place for cowards. However, reading most of these posts turns out to be some of the craziest shit I read. It's nice to think that there are people out there who consider themselves such hopeless romantics that they actually believe posting here will work. Foolish, yet oddly comforting. But most of these people are clutching at straws. And a fair amount aer perverts who happened to catch a chick's thong peering out when she was walking out of Trader Joe's.

(It needs to be noted that a fair amount of these postings (for the LA listings, anyway) center around a chain of grocery stores called Trader Joe's. This is because, for reasons unknown and unexplained by even Professor Stephen Hawking himself, there are always hot women at Trader Joe's. Seriously. Anytime of day. Any location. It's amazing. So naturally, in addition to these hot women, you have your basic male nerd shut in, who lives on the computer and can only muster enough energy to peel himself away from pixilated prostitutes (There are ads for hookers on Craigslist, too) to get the much loved, oft-mocked Two Buck Chuck available at their local TJ and take in the eye candy, only to rush back home and post about their "Missed Connection" fifteen minutes later).

But today, I found something stupid. And I had to share. I actually found a chain letter as a post.

Here it is:



Girl Facts:

When you break a girls heart,
she still feels it when
you run into eachother 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her
mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
she is wondering how long you will be
around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a
few
seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so
wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
she wants you back, but she's
scared she'll get hurt and knows
your gone forever


Guy Facts:

When a guy calls u
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few
minutes,
he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and
wonders
if you do?

When you're laying your head on a guy's
chest
he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday
he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you
he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you
he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else

repost this in 10 minutes and your true
love will
call you

**********************************************************************

In ten minutes, if my true love DOES call me, I'll rescind this entire post and make my way over to Trader joe's as soon as humanly possible.

The Protector. aka TOM YUM GOONG!!!!

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior kicks an unholy amount of arse. If you've never seen it, put that shyte on the top of your Netflix queue. Right now. I'm serious. So help me Brian Dennehy, I AM SERIOUS.

Good.

Now, this weekend The Weinstein Company, along with that great banner "Quentin Tarantino Presents", will unleash the next Tony Jaa masterpiece, The Protector. I saw this movie as Tom Yum Goong, procured as a bootleg about a year ago. I wrote a review for Moviesonline.ca expressing great pleasure with the film. Since it's out this weekend, I'm gonna be lazy and just repost the old review.

Keep in mind, the version I saw did not include the QT approved soundtrack from the RZA, which I can only imagine is fan-freakin-tastic.

**********************************************

Awhile back, I wrote a screenplay, for what I then considered to be the most brilliant movie of all time. It's called Burger Academy 2 The Vengeance. Every page is comic gold. Seriously, if I printed the script out on leaves of gold paper, I could buy the world over. THRICE! It's that brilliant. But now, I must accept the fact that BA2TV (as I affectionately call it) is only the SECOND most brilliant film of all time. That first honor goes to Tom Yum Goong.

Tony Jaa is back, doing what he does best: KICKING YOUR ASS!!! And you know what? You're gonna take it. And love every minute of it.

So, the movie begins with a young version of Tony Jaa, and it shows the loving relationship the simple village boy has with his elephant. Yes, I said elephant. The elephant has a son, who also befriends Tony Jaa. Then, some bad dudes steal both elephants. And shoot Tony Jaa's Dad.

Then, at the 18 minute mark, Tony Jaa prays. I imagine he's praying to Odin to grant him the strength and serenity to kick everybody's ass, and the blessing to get away with it. And then, he starts fighting.

And it's beautiful.

Even more so than Ong Bak. If you can believe that. Seriously, Ong Bak had some pretty awesome set pieces, but Tom Yum Goong blows it out of the water. Granted, Tony Jaa doesn't JUMP THROUGH BARBED WIRE, but then again, Ong Bak didn't have a long tracking shot as Tony Jaa goes up a rounded staircase, kicking everybody's ass the whole time. He's unstoppable.

Oh my god, there's a scene where he breaks, like, thirty guys arms in a row. Seriously. I'll repeat that in capital letters. THE MAN BREAKS THRITY DUDES' ARMS IN A ROW!! It's sick as hell.

And the best part is, right before he starts some shyte, he says "Where's My Elephant?!?" And you know as soon as he says that, somebody's crotch is getting booted.

Then THIRTY GUYS GET THEIR FREAKIN' ARMS BROKEN!!! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!!!

Also, the funny guy from Ong Bak is back. And he's funny. But it doesn't matter, because it gives you a nice breather for the next round of ridiculous awesomeness. Seriously. This movie is awesome. I don't know when it's coming out. I'm not going to tell you how I found it. But you must see this movie. It's insane that a movie this, dare I say, RAD, exists in our times, but let's face facts. It did come out. And it will kick your ass hard.

Holy shit, this movie is cool.

DanSpeak 9-7-06

On our new budle of joy, the XBox 360: It's.... it's so beautiful.

A point in a funny direction

I have to point you all over to this post from "How To Write Scripts. Badly." if only for the one line "It's an indie movie, for the love of Braff".

Priceless.

Sorry for the delay

Hey everybody. I've recently fallen ill to a virus. But then I kicked that virus square in the junk and laughed. It was no match for my tiger style.

But seriously, I was a wreck, and it wasn't pretty. However, it must be pointed out that it was not Strep throat, as I feared it was. My friend got the strep, but I didn't. And I think I know why?

It's because of the lemons.

Maybe it wasn't so bad afterall.

Anyway, I'm on the road to recovery, and I wanted to just say a quick few words.

1) See Crank and Idiocracy. Both are hilarious. And a hell of a lot of fun. Idiocracy will be harder to find, as it was only released in 7 cities (LA, Seattle, Austin, Toronto, Chicago, and two more that aren't New York City). I have no idea the story as to why, because it's a Mike Judge movie, and it's just as funny as Office Space. I'll write more about both these flicks soon, but I just wanted to say that they are well worth it.

(For that matter, so is Science of Sleep, the new flick by Michel Gondry, but I'm not allowed to write about it, or say if I specifically LOVED THIS MOVIE until it's release next week).

2) Mets... let's not lose it guys!

3) The Vida interview I did for moviesonline, which is why it's up here. Never would I just randomly decide that anyone involved with Dorm Daze 2 should be given a shout out from my blog. But I did the work, and I'm an ego whore.

4) Can't say enough good things about Nip/Tuck. Although, this third season is a bit off base. They've made some pretty poor choices, but it's still hanging on. I'm almost caught up with the third season, meaning I can ease smoothly into season 4, currently on FX on Tuesdays at 10.

5) You bet your ass I haven't forgotten about Lost. Let's get the theories rolling again. Brady and T-Bone, I'm looking squarely at you.

6) DEAD RISING = GREATEST VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME, EVEN BETTER THAN DEVIL DICE!!!

(It should also be noted that Dan, he of DanSpeak, and I took the next logical step that two single bachelors who have lived together for three years would do and jointly purchased an Xbox 360, on which we play this amazing game. And next week comes Lego Star Wars 2!)

7) In the "they put disclaimers up there for a reason" category, I wanted to proudly proclaim that I succeeded in my two times doingthe "Strikeout" as described in Beerfest. (Which is the only movie I've seen twice this year). Do not attempt at home, kiddies. In fact, grown-ups shouldn't either. The frightening part is that I took to it rather well. Like I was meant to do them. As if it were my purpose on this planet. And in life.

INTERVIEW! With Vida! (You know... "the ass girl")

Hello folks out there in the internet movie fan land! it's your favorite and mine, The Dude here, with another one of my fascinating interviews. This time, the victim is stunningly gorgeous Vida Guerra. Known across the country from her spreads in men's magazines like FHM (which bestowed upon her the "Greatest Butt" award, amongst countless others involving the word "Hottest"), Vida is branching out and doing the whole acting route, beginning with National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2 (now available on DVD). This woman is quite hot. How hot? I brushed my teeth twice, combed my hair, shaved, wore a tie AND pants, everything I could possible do to look good, and it was merely a phone interview.

Enough of my rambling, let's hear what Vida Guerra has to say. (Told in typical fashion by The Dude).


The Dude: I'd like to begin by thanking you for almost getting me fired. While doing some research about you for this, I went to your website (www.vidasworld.com) and my co-workers thought I was looking up porn.

Vida: (Laughter. Genuine laughter, I swear)

The Dude: So how did Dorm Daze 2 come about? Were they seeking you, were you seeking them?

Vida: They were after me. They sent an email to my manager because they really wanted me to do it. So I did.

The Dude: (Long pause) Ah, that's it. C'mon, I got a word count to fill here. (Laughter) Can you tell me about your character in the film?

Vida: I play a virgin named Violet, who is debating whether or not to go all the way with her boyfriend.

The Dude: A virgin deciding whether or not to go all the way. Any chest waxing scenes?

Vida: That's good, that's funny. No, no chest waxing.

The Dude: Marvelous. So... do you go all the way and lose your virginity?

Vida: You have to wait and see for yourself.

The Dude: So, as a virgin, do you have to wear a lot of conservative clothes.

Vida: Yes. It's ugly. Like nothing I've ever worn in my entire life.

The Dude: Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen a picture of you wearing pants, so this...

Vida: I have pants. They fit very tight.

The Dude: I bet. So Dorm Dazed decides to play with the convention a little bit...

Vida: Yeah, it's fun because people would expect me to play the real sexy role, and this is FAR from it.

The Dude: You get to play a dork! Alright, way to go! Welcome!

Vida: My character starts an abstinence class on campus. It's called "Abstinence is Awesome!"

The Dude: Do you have any good juicy stories from the set you can share?

Vida: No.

The Dude: You know you wanna...

Vida: I'll tell you this: We were shooting on the Queen Mary {Old ship docked down in Long Beach} and I was actually the only person STAYING there, to sleep at night. And that boat is haunted. Every night I kept hearing creepy voices. It could be just because it's an old ship, but it still happened, and it was still a little scary.

The Dude: This happened every night?

Vida: Yeah. And the first night I was there, I saw this giant shadow on the wall, a white shadow, and I thought it was a ghost. I was a little scared.

The Dude: It freaked you out a little bit, huh? Did you sleep much during the shoot?

Vida: Oh yeah.

The Dude: Do you have any other upcoming films?

Vida: I have one coming up. I play a character named Angel, and she's a singer. She falls in love with this guy who doesn't know who she is, and she loves it.

The Dude: Do you sing in it?

Vida: Yes.

The Dude: You do your own singing?

Vida: Oh yeah. I have a CD coming out, too. Yes, I sing.

The Dude: You're an unbelievably successful model, you're taking the movies by storm, and now music. Multi-hyphenate. What kind of music do you sing?

Vida: It's got some R&B, some Latin influences, that kind of feel. It's hot.

The Dude: Cool, cool. Going back to the movies, are there any other kinds of roles you want to play?

Vida: I wanna play a super hero! Like an action role. I like the action.

The Dude: You wanna get on those wires.

Vida: Right, right. I did my own stunts for the last movie. It's awesome.

The Dude: Lots of bruises?

Vida: Not really. There's padding.

The Dude: Awesome. Were the stunt guys proud?

Vida: They were.

The Dude: Of course they were. Let me ask you something: Everywhere on this interweb thing, I find articles and images of you with titles like "World's Sexiest Woman" or "Best Booty", things of that ilk. Do you find it difficult in the business with these attachments?

Vida: It hasn't been a problem at all. I mean, I don't know what they say after I leave the room, but it's never been a problem.

The Dude: They're probably just catching their breath. I wouldn't doubt that. Have you ever been interviewed where a person DOESN'T ask the booty question? Like you go the whole interview and it's never addressed, and thus it's mildly shocking?

Vida: I've never really noticed.

The Dude: I briefly considered saving that question for last, to inspire the hope that I wouldn't ask, but I guess it doesn't make that much of a difference. Do a lot of interviewers ask you out?

Vida: No.

The Dude: Would you like to go and get a drink sometime?

Vida: (Laughs heartily)

The Dude: Maybe go bowling.

Vida: Wait, bowling?

The Dude: Yeah bowling. What's wrong with bowling? I carry a ball in my car at all times just in case. (All true, by the way. What do you expect? I'm the Dude!)

Vida: Nothing's wrong. I like bowling. I'm actually pretty good at it.

The Dude: You could probably kick my ass.

Vida: Probably.

The Dude: Nice. (long pause). you understand, I had to try, right?

Vida: (Laughs) Yes!

The Dude: Ok then. I understand you are a Jersey Girl. I myself, am a jersey guy, so I thought I'd finish up the interview with some Jersey-centric questions. First off: Springstein or Bon Jovi?

Vida: Bon Jovi.

The Dude: Whoa. Didn't expect that one. Ok, do you know what a "jughandle" is?

Vida: Of course.

The Dude: Do people mock you for knowing?

Vida: Not at all.

The Dude: I get mocked all the time for it. Do you know what "disco fries" are?

Vida: Disco Fries?

The Dude: With the mozzerella cheese and the gravy...

Vida: Oh yeah.

The Dude: Not to many of those out West Coast. It's ridiculous.

Vida: Really?

The Dude: Oh yeah. By the way, did you notice my Jersey accent pop through as I asked those?

Vida: I never hear the Jersey accent at all. I never really paid attention to how people speak. Although I do pronounce it "coffee".

{Dude's note: Obviously, the pronunciation of the word "coffee" loses translation on the written page, but she says it like I do, which most people will mock me for}

The Dude: Alright, final statement. I need you to tell every red-blooded male out there reading this why they need to stop whatever it is they're doing right now to go and see Dorm Daze 2.

Vida: It's a hot movie. It has hot chicks in it.

The Dude: That works!


There you have it. Thanks again to Vida for her time, and remember that Dorm Daze 2 is now available at your local video outlet. Or however it is that you get videos I never got to ask her, in the Jersey questions, Yankees or Mets, but I have a gut feeling she would have said Yankees. Which is why we can never be.

I need to point out two real quick things. First off, if you go to Vidasworld.com, you might want to do it in a private place, because people will think you're looking at porn. And secondly, did you notice how when I asked her out, she didn't technically say no?!? Just sayin', it might be time for me practice my bowling. So i can be beat by a hot girl. Until next time...

A Public Service Announcement, courtesy of Broken Lizard:

Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you know by now the number one film in America this weekend was MIRACLE 2: FOOTBALL BOOGALOO. As you probably also know BEERFEST is fucking great. You've seen our comment board, you've talked to your friends, you've probably already seen the movie.

So you're probably asking yourself how did a football comedy beat out a Broken Lizard movie???

Well here's your answer...

It doesn't fucking matter.

What matters now is that YOU keep BEERFEST in theaters so that your friends, and everyone else in the world will get to see BEERFEST on the big screen. This is a grassroots comedy campaign of epic proportions. We are asking YOU, the fans, to mobilize and get the word out about BEERFEST. Here are 10 things you can do to spread the word:

1.) REPOST THIS MESSAGE

2.) Copy & Paste this message into an email and tell all of your friends to see BEERFEST this week. And then tell them to forward it along.

3.) Blog this message or throw it up on your website.

4.) Send a MySpace Comment to a friend telling them to go see BEERFEST.

5.) Poke a friend on Facebook and then tell them about BEERFEST.

6.) Buy a ticket for BEERFEST, then walk into another movie and tell everyone in that theater to go see BEERFEST instead.

7.) Put the poster up as your default picture on MySpace

8.) Text message all the numbers in your cell phone with "BEERFEST"

9.) Throw a BEERFEST party. Round up your friends, drink some brew, go see the movie, repeat.

10.) When a telemarketer calls you, instead of them selling you something, you sell them on BEERFEST.

The power is your hands people. Visit us at our MySpace page and update us with your efforts.

We sincerely appreciate all of your support.

Cheers,

BROKEN LIZARD

Beerfestmovie.com

BrokenLizard.com


**********************************************************

Do you realize...

That in the 12 or so years sinced they have been in existence, I have never been able to see a single "Magic Eye" 3-D image. Not one.

Short Ends

Just a few bits and bobs here and there:

1) Sufjan Stevens "Chicago" has become my favorite song of the summer. It was tough, but this one came in at the end, at the right time. You can find it on a bunch of albums out there right now. On Stevens' own "Illinoise" is where first appeared, but you can also catch alternate versions on his just released "The Avalanche", which is pretty badass, and it's also on the "Little Miss Sunshine" soundtrack.

Other rockin' albums I've enjoyed this year include (in no particular order) Tom Petty's "Highway Companion", Gomez's "How We Operate", Hot Chip's "The Warning", Jurassic 5's "The Feedback", Gnarl's Barkley's "St. Elsewhere", Thom Yorke's "The Eraser", Built to Spill's "You In Reverse", the Soundtrack to "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift", Nick Cave and Warren Ellis's soundtrack to "The Proposition", Eagles of Death Metal's "Death By Sexy", New Maximum Donkey's "Spirit of the Donks", and Massive Attack's "Collected". I'd also like to throw a shout out to local boys City Museum. They're pretty cool.

And in the "Brrrraaafffffffffff!!!!!!" category, I must say the soundtrack to The Last Kiss, which he helped compile, is pretty damn solid.

(The curse of the ex with awesome music taste still remains in me. I love music again, and I need to constantly seek it out, and there's a lot this summer! And I missed a lot of live shows, including Gomez AND The Shins, which hurt in oh so many ways.)

2) Fans of Ricky Gervais and The Office need to go check out this link at Defamer as long as it's still up, and you have at least 20 minutes to spare. It's an office training video for Microsoft, featuring Gervais' David Brent character from The Office. It's brilliant. I wish I could be as funny as that man.

FUN SIDE FACT: I have a friend. She works in Post on a successful television series. She cut the gag reel for the show's wrap party last season. Anyway, she gets into work, and finds Gervais in her office (he might be involved with this season, I'm being vague to protect everybody, just in case). Gervais is watching her gag reel, and laughing his ass off. The kicker is, she had no idea who he was, and how utterly cool it is for Ricky Gervais to be laughing his arse off at something she did. NOW, she gets it, but still. That is the coolest thing I heard this summer.

3) Off topic rant about Snakes on a Plane for a second, that I didn't realize stayed with me until this morning. So the film opens in Hawaii, and the doomed flight departs Hawaii for LA. At the airport, there's a passenger boarding the plane (who I believe becomes nameless snake fodder in the latter half of the film, not too sure) with a baseball type t-shirt with the name "Honolulu" clearly printed on it. I get it, the movie takes place in Hawaii, so it kind of makes sense. What sticks in my craw is that I have the exact same T shirt. EXACT SAME, I swear. And I got it not in Honolulu, but at the Old Navy in Wayne, New Jersey. It's the shirt I had my mug shot taken in. It's an Old Navy shirt, clearly purchased for the production of Snakes on a Plane, because it takes place in Hawaii. But for some reason, (after putting on the shirt this morning and making the connection) this really bothers me. There are a lot of reasons why, but they're all too stupid to even get into. Point is, I'm terribly vexed by this.

I was bored at work, hence all the links. Have a great rest of the week. And sucker punch any loser who tries to tell you today is "Hump Day".

Right in the throat.

Beerfest!

For two weeks in a row now, I'm encouraging the viewing of a motion picture in a not entirely sober state of mind. However, when you call your movie Beerfest, it's pretty hard not to draw the comparison. In fact, it's almost challenging you NOT to drink while you watch it. And it's a damn hard challenge.

Beerfest is the latest fillm from the comedy troupe Broken Lizard, who have brought us Puddle Cruiser, Club Dread, and their biggest claim to cult fame Super Troopers. (They were also partially responsible for last year's Dukes of Hazzard movie, with
Jay Chandrasekhar directing, and all five lizards contributing to the script, but it wasn't a full Lizard production). This time, the fellas tackle something that seems so natural: Drinking games. Yes, the art of the drinking game is met with the underground ferocity of a fight club to become the movie you see before you: Beerfest.

The movie opens with Jan and Todd Wolfhouse (Paul Soter and Erik Stolhanske) as they return the ashes of their recently deceased beer loving grandfather (Donald Sutherland, of all people) from Colorado to Germany. For Oktoberfest. Once they get to Germany, they stumble upon an underground beer drinking competition, full of all sorts of drinking games, but taken to the greatest level of competition: Beerfest! (Title). Jan and Paul meet their Bavarian cousins, who represent the German Beerfest team. Naturally, our heroes are humiliated, and flee back to the states with their tails between their legs.

Once back home, the boys concoct a plan to put together their own team to defeat the Germans in next year's competition. They pick up Steve "Fink" Finklestein (Steve Lemme), the beer nerd; "Landfil" (Kevin "Farva" Heffernan), beer drinker extraordinaire; and Barry (Jay Chandrasekhar), an expert at all beer games, especially quarters. The movie follows the motley crew through many grueling beer drinking exercises, leading up to the big showdown.

It's a sports movie for a sport that doesn't exist, but damn is it funny. The Broken Lizard guys always have a nice layer to their comedy. They excel at sight gags and frat humor, but they also have a lot of smarter, quieter and subtler jokes happening, that a lot of the time are missed. And the gags are pretty much nonstop in this film. If there's something you don't find funny, wait ten seconds. I wish I could tell some of the funny things in the film, but I can't. It will take away the surprise. I will say that two of my favorite moments occurred in the "Day after" sequence from the first day of training. Actually, three moments happened in that sequence. See? It's too much comedy for one motion picture.

In addition to the lizards, there are plenty of funny people scattered throughout. Cloris Leachman as the Wolfhouse Gram Gram gets to be filthy and hilarious all at the same time. Jurgen Prochnow (from Das Boot) lightens up, but doesn't play his role as a complete idiot, as the leader of the German team. And Will Forte (from SNL), Eric Christian Olsen (From Dumb and Dumberer) and Nat Faxon (from Club Dread) are downright brilliant as the German team. Too damn funny. Most everyone in this film is hilarious, and it shows. For once it feels like everyone making the movie is having as good a time as the audience seeing it. (Which is far more rare than you'd think).

Quick digression: I used to have a roommate named Bill, and bill had one of the greatest laughs of all time. Granted, it was easy to make him laugh by simply yelling the word "BALLS!" to him. (This proved outright hilarious to him, no matter what time of day you did it, even if it was 4:30 in the morning and he had to get up for work in an hour). But you knew something was downright genius when he busted out the great laugh. Now, I live in California, and Bill lives in New Jersey, but there were things in this movie so funny that I swear I could have heard him laughing across the country. It has the Bill seal of approval, and that should be enough for you right there.

It's a movie called Beerfest, it's not exactly a movie trying to solve the world's problems. It's there to make you laugh, play some loud music, revel in a bit of raunchiness and unexpected nudity (the gratuitous bit at Oktoberfest is well done, considering how random it is) and it succeeds. It may try a little to hard at points, but there are at least ten laugh out loud, "holy crap that's funny" moments in the film. Things that make you lose control of bodily functions, which is fitting for the film. There is a fair amount of frat humor involved, but like I say, they work the spectrum. Ranking the Lizard films, this comes in just slightly under Super Troopers. It's that entertaining.

A word of warning: It will make you want a beer. Please don't drink and drive. But if you can, beer will just make it that much more enjoyable. If this movie fails theatrically, fear not. This film will live a long happy life on college dorms for YEARS to come.

NO! I was on the 18th Ho-oo-le!

A little bit of Tuesday fun for you all.





I still regret not playing this with the Educated Spoke. I was so down for Jeepers.

Box Office Report for Moviesonline

Dude here again. Another weekend comes and goes. Money has changed hands. Popcorn has been swept up from the cinema floor, and what does it all lead to? Money. Lots of money. Money that you possibly once possessed, but now belongs to a bizarre split between theater owners and studio heads. And for some strange reason, Tom Cruise gets a cut, too. Hey, the guy just lost a gig, he needs what he can get.

This week, we had four new contenders for most popular/successful film of the weekend. Did any succeed? Is success really just proportional? Or merely an illusion? You be the judge. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, rounded to the nearest number. Numbers might change slightly when actuals are reported on Monday)

1. Invincible (BV) - $17.0, 2917 screens, week 1, $17.0 total

2. Talladega Nights (Sony)- $8.0, 3370 screens, week 4, $127.68 total

3. Little Miss Sunshine (FoxSrc) - $7.5, 1430 screens, week 5, $23.0 total

4. Beerfest (WB) - $6.5, 2964 screens, week 1, $6.5 total

5. Accepted (Uni) - $6.476, 2917 screens, week 2, $21.1 total

6. World Trade Center (Par) - $6.39, 3021 screens, week 3, $50.4 total

7. Step Up (BV) - $6.187, 2647 screens, week 3, $50.4 total

8. Idlewild (Uni) - $5.89, 973 screens, week 1, $5.89 total

9. Snakes On A Plane (NL)- $5.86, 3555 screens, week 2, $26.0 total

10. Barnyard (Par) - $5.4, 3003 screens, week 4, $54.7 total


Ok, those are the numbers, so what does this all mean? Well, if you're much more (or less) clever than I am, there is a terrible pun to be made about the performance of Invincible. ("Invincible lives up to it's namesake","Invincible truly is", etc. Look in the papers, you'll see what I mean). Disney once again proves that they have that uplifting sports formula perfected to a science as Mark Wahlberg's football drama takes the lead spot, far outshining any competition. With football season fast approaching, it seems like people wanted to catch that pigskin fever, and catch it, they did. (I can't stop these, I need help).

If you're the Broken Lizard guys, keep drinking guys. Beerfest opened up to some not very good reviews, and to a less than predicted opening. As with most Broken Lizard films, this movie will eventually find it's audience on DVD across college campuses everywhere. It's just a matter of time. The movie is outright hilarious, quite possibly their funniest effort yet. Remember, just because a movie doesn't make tons of money doesn't mean it's a failure. At least in my eyes. Which means nothing.

If you're Outkast, people pretty much didn't care for your new rip-roaring musical. Idlewild barely beat Snakes on a Plane, although to be fair it opened on the fewest amount of screens in the top ten. Mixed reviews for this one might have kept people away, along with the fact that it's a musical. Who knows?

The holdovers from previous weeks are doing just that. Snakes on a Plane went from #1 to #9, with a 57% drop from last week. The hype was short lived. The only film that improved in the top ten was Little Miss Sunshine, which is steadily growing due to good word of mouth and a slowly building release pattern. It will most likely be dubbed "the sleeper hit of the summer", and this will happen in the same publications that proclaim Invincible "invincible." There will also be a reference to August as the "dog days of summer". Mark my words.

Below the radar, the fourth wide release of the weekend, "How To Eat Fried Worms" made $3.95 million dollars to come in #12. And Pirates finally drops out of the top ten, having passed Spider-man in all time domestic gross.

And in the "just because it's there and because I can" series: Strangers With Candy took in $17,900 on 40 screens, bringing it's tally to $2,031,000 in 9 weeks.

There you have my glorious break down. Next week, I know there's a movie with Jason Statham. And that means somebody's getting their ass kicked.

Until next weekend....

Quote of the week!

From Chuck Klosterman's "Killing Yourself To Live", which I recently began reading. This line had me laughing for about five minutes straight. Out loud. In public.

"In all probability, you will also complain about the author's reliance on self-indulgent, postmodern self-awareness, which will prompt the person you're conversing with to criticize the influence of Dave Eggers on the memoir writing genre. Then your cell phone will ring, and you will agree to meet someone for brunch."

DanSpeak 8-24-06

When asked what beverage he's imbibing at a rapid rate of consumption: MILK!!!!

An impassioned plea to the Boston Red Sox

Dear Boston Red Sox,

Hi. You don't know me, but most folks call me The Dude for reasons I don't even remember anymore. I've seen you guys a few times, most notably Game 1 of the '86 world series against the Mets. You lost that one, but that's ok. You had heart. Many moons later, I would find myself sitting beside the famed Green Monster in Fenway park. You kicked the Indians' ass. It was a very impressive display.

Back in '04, I was actually KICKED OUT of my local pub for rooting for the Sox in a predominantly Yankee friendly environment. I watched game 7 in an empty bar down the street, along with a few otheer Sox fans and/or Yankee haters. Oh yes, my friends, I am an avowed hater of the Yankees. I bought numerous items outside Fenway, all of which contained a variation on the phrase "Yankees Suck". (Which reminds me, I need to get one for my godson in his size.)

I am writing to you as a Mets fan. My blood runs Blue and Orange, I'm afraid. But being a Mets fan, despite the aforementioned series, by default it makes me a Sox fan. Why? Because the Mets are forever the 2nd place guys. Always forgotten in the shadow of the Yanks, much like I live in the shadow of an imaginary brother my parents made up, who's better at everything than I am, and is currently curing diseases with my ex girlfriends. (I hate you Mark). Mets fans are a different breed. It's almost as if we truly believe the maxim of "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game". We're certainly a rare breed. And most dyed in the wool Mets fans hate the Yankees as well, thus allowing us a team to watch destroy their chances and make that mupppet-lookin motherfucker Derek Jeter cry.

Now, this year it seems that all our hoping has finally paid off, as we've been having an amazing year. We're fairly close to clinching our division already, and I'm fairly certain we haven't left that perch since the season began. If so, it was only for a brief moment. Granted, it means nothing when it's playoff time, but still, it looks like we have an excellent shot of making it to the series this year.

And because I'm a cyclical kind of guy, I was really hoping that we'd have a rematch of that famed series from 20 years ago. The only problem is, the Yankees aren't allowing it. And they're spanking you in the process. I implore you to not let this happen. Yes, we all have our bad days, but you guys have to get back up on that horse again, and show the American League you mean BUSINESS! This is something to not take lightly. There's only a few more weeks left until playoffs, and with the Yanks in first, your chances of wild card are getting slimmer by the day, with Detroit and Chicago constantly jockeying for position.

Two years ago you were champions. I still believe in you. To quote Rob Schneider in that cinematic opus The Waterboy, "YOU CAN DO IT!" I have faith. All Mets fans have faith. You CAN do it. You MUST do it.

You WILL do it.

On behalf on Mets fans everywhere, I'd like to extend whatever help I can to make sure you achieve this goal. We need this more than you realize. But the question is, do YOU realize it? Let's get our act together, and keep our head in the game. Don't let the Yankees intimidate you. That will be our job in the series.

Best Regards,
The Dude

Ahhh, potheads: The jesters of the criminal underworld

Seeing this just brings a smile to my face. Maybe it's because I've smoked more than my share of grass back in the day. Maybe it's because I've probably smoked your share as well. Regardless, once again, the ubiquitous pothead has proven that sometimes waiting for the guy to call back is just too long a wait, and you need some greenery STAT.

I present to you dumbasses from New Zealand who don't know the meaning of the phrase "Promotional Materials".



With that in mind, I'd like to give a shout out to actual show "Weeds", whose promotion this is. The show is quite excellent, and I wouldn't mind a gig writing for the show. It airs on Showtime, which I don't have yet.

The return of the Box Office report: 8-21-06

So, I received an email from the good folks at Moviesonline.ca today, asking me to once again take care of the box office report. (I had done it from last August until March or April this year, I slacked off because I had a girlfriend and I chose sleeping in with her over waking up early and writing about the weekend box office, I was replaced, but then they asked me again).

Anyway, the long winded point is that Rico had mentioned how much he enjoyed the old reports, especially when movies I liked failed to perform while crap would reign supreme. And being that he is one of maybe 8 people who now read this (A hearty hello to our Canadian screenwriting Star Wars fanatic friend, who's linked over at the side), I figured I'd put them up here for your reading enjoyment as well. So here you go:

*****************************************

Dude here again. Been a long time since the rock and roll, I understand. Rest assured, I have returned to do what I do best: Tell you about how much money other people are making off of us, the unsuspecting public. And do it in a fashion I hope all you appreciate.

This week, there's a small controversy-a-brewin'. Snakes on a Plane took in far less money than expected, but with it's gross from special preview shows late Thursday night (for all us hard core fans that had to be there at the very beginning, like I did) it winds up taking in more money than the number one movie of two weeks Talladega Nights. So, going from my sources, I am going to state, against my will, that Snakes on a Plane is NOT the #1 movie in America this weekend. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. Numbers might change slightly with actuals)

1. Talladega Nights (Sony)- $14.1, 3741 screens, week 3, $114.686 total

2. Snakes On A Plane (NL)- $13.85, 3555 screens, week 1, $15.25 total

3. World Trade Center (Par) - $10.8, 2998 screens, week 2, $45.0 total

4. Accepted (Uni) - $10.1, 2914 screens, week 1, $10.1 total

5. Step Up (BV) - $9.867, 2639 screens, week 2, $39.45 total

6. Barnyard (Par) - $7.489, 3227 screens, week 3, $45.995 total

7. Little Miss Sunshine (FoxSrc) - $5.675, 691 screens, week 4, $12.756 total

8. Pirates Of The Caribbean (BV) - $5.0, 2277 screens, week 7, $401.1 total

9. Material Girls (MGM) - $4.6, 1509 screens, week 1, $4.6 total

10. Pulse (Dim) - $3.5, 2323 screens, week 2, $14.7 total


Ok, those are the numbers, so what does this all mean? Well, if you're Will Ferrell, you're pretty happy that your film managed to compete with Pirates of the Caribbean, and be the only other film this year to stay at the top of the box office for three weeks in a row. And if you're Samuel L. Jackson, you want to get that... you know what? I'm tired of jokes about getting snakes off the motherflippin plane. Snakes on a Plane proved and disproved a lot of things this weekend. It proves that you can have all the hype in the world, but it still means nothing if you don't strike while the iron's hot. Had SoaP come out in June, it would have cleaned up. People wanted to see that flick. But by holding strong until August, I feel a lot of the hype surrounding the "must see" worthiness of this one died heavily. In a way, it's good that it didn't make that much money. It kind of makes the film that much cooler. Like, it flirted with mainstream acceptance, but at the end of the day the movie is about a bunch of snakes on a plane. DVD should provide a happy future for the film, as this one is a movie to watch with large groups of friends, with alcohol very close by.

If you're Accepted, you would expect to find a pun about overachieving. However, I'm lazy and knocking this out at work, so make up your own. the Justin Long college comedy seemed to attract a fair amount of perspectives this weekend, and given it's low budget, this film will make some cash at the end of the day. However, it faces a challenge with next week's Beerfest. Given Accepted's PG-13 rating over Fest's R, it might be a tough call. (Or people sneaking into R rated movies next week may give Accepted a smaller boost).

If you're Material Girls, all I gotta say is where the hell did you come from? I know nothing about this movie. Looking it up, I se it contains not one, but TWO Duffs. Anyway, this flick tanked, as it should. Really, is there that big of a glut since Lohan went all "serious" on us that we need to sit through this crap? This film angers me. Moving on.

The holdovers from previous weeks are doing just that. World Trade Center, in it's second weekend, managed to hold on strong, which is natural given that it has no other direct competition in the playing field. Seriously, the Material Girls crowd isn't exactly aching to get into WTC afterwards and make it a double feature. Anyway, it's doing well, much better than expected, and it will most likely continue along this path, what with the nifty MySpace page the film has, dawg. Step Up, another movie I have no idea of that has it's official webpage as it's myspace site (I hate you Tom and MySpace), continues to dupe teen girl squads into spending their hard earned cash in a quest to find their generation's Dirty Dancing. Barnyard continues doing just alright, along with almost every other CG animated flick this summer. Pirates opened it's own bank and has just been printing it's own money for three weeks now. Pulse is history. And Little Miss Sunshine climbs up the ranks and makes the top ten this week. Best film on this top ten, it should be noted. COntinued good word of mouth will have this film playing well into the fall.

Below the radar, the magic themed period romance The Illusionist opened on 51 screens accumulating a grand total of $925,000, with a per screen average of $18,137, the highest of any film this weekend. Look for it to possibly open wider soon. The Fox Searchlight comedy Trust The Man opened on 38 screens to take in $176,000. And Factotum opened on 6 screens for a grand total of $60,800. Good word of mouth will see if these continue to perform well.

And in the "just because it's there and because I can" series: An Inconvenient Truth took in $246,000 on 221 screens, bringing it's tally to $23,800,000 in 13 weeks.

(Again let me state that An Inconvenient Truth is a film you should have already seen, but if not, you should go after you finish reading this)

There you have my wonderful break down. Next week, we have a Marky Mark football movie from the studio that made Remember the Titans, we have the Broken Lizard guys returning to hopefully make me wet myself with laughter, and there's probably a kids movie, or something even dumber coming out. Strangely, I don't think there's a horror flick coming out, making it the only weekend this year that wouldn't.

Until next weekend....

ADDENDUM: The final numbers were posted about an hour after I submitted the story in for publication, and the final tally is this:

1. Snakes on a Plane - $13.806
2. Talladega Nights - $13.755
3. World Trade Center - $10.9
4. Step Up - $10.157
5. Accepted - $10.023

Sorry for the confusion. Snakes is indeed, the champion.

Snakes... the review

Somehow I feel like my life is now complete. As if the moment I had been waiting for has finally come and gone, and now I emerge, a fresh young man, ready to take on the world, and face down any complications that life seems to throw in my... Who the hell am I kidding? It freakin ruled!

Snakes on a Plane is exactly what you'd expect. It's not very good at all. In fact, it's downright crap-tastic. The acting is pretty bad, save for Samuel L. Jackson, but even he seems a little disappointed. The dialogue is so atrocious, it feels like it was purposefully written that way, and the actors seem to be intentionally acting badly and embracing the cliches. But that's not what the movie's about. You came to see some snakes on a plane, and by God you get some muthaf#*@in snakes on a plane. And after a dreadful twenty minutes that literally introduces every single character (not to mention a scene of the villain that needlessly has him kung fu fighting) in such a mind numbingly dumb fashion they may as well have been wearing nametags stating their main (only) characterization, the snakes finally show up. And man do they show up in style.

The snake attacks are the highlights of the film. They're inventive and fun. The snake vision, anytime it comes on, you get a chuckle. I don;t want to give anything away, but there is a scene involving a dude taking a leak and a snake in the bowl. In fact, most everything in the film elicits guffaws, whether intentional or not. The film's a laugh riot, beginning with the opening sequence of stock footage from Hawaii and never stopping.

In between, there's a lame B plot about Bobby Cannavale (From The Station Agent, which if you have not seen you must go out and rent immediately) trying to track down who put said snakes on aforementioned plane. It's mildly entertaining, but it takes away from the real meat. But it's just as good as the rest of the stuff.

I must take issue with a few things, however. First off, the "efforts on behalf of the fans to make the film more of an R Rating" are pretty weak. Yes, the awesome line about getting the motherflippin snakes off the motherflippin plane was met with uproarious applause when I saw it (and actually cut off the line that followed). But any other time the "f" word is dropped, it's done off screen, and with some pretty poor ADR. HOWEVER, the completely gratutitous sex scene is made even more hilarious because for no reason whatsoever, other than the fact that they're in a rated R movie, the young lusting couple decide to smoke a joint at the same time. I'll repeat that: THEY SMOKE A JOINT WHILE HAVING SEX, AND SOLELY BECAUSE THEY'RE IN AN R-RATED MOVIE. I laughed quite heartily at that.

You know what my main problem with the movie is? It didn't go far enough. I loved the idea of this projecct when Ronny Yu was attached. Yu is the man who brought us two quite underrated genre gems of the 2000s, Freddy vs. Jason and Formula 51 (also starring The Man Jackson). Freddy vs. Jason, while ridiculous for the first half, becomes something transcendentally amazing for the second half. And Formula 51 is so unbelievable that you have no choice but to go along for the ride. Had he been allowed his vision, I'm sure we'd have tons of even more ridiculous scenes. The one that springs to mind would involve Sam Jackson ripping a dead snake in half and fashioning a belt from it.

God is in the details, after all.

Or, there's a character on the plane who's a kickboxer. With Yu in charge, you KNOW there would be a scene involving him running down the aisles kicking as many snakes as humanly possible, with lightning fast speed. As it stands, David Ellis did a decent job.


But Snakes on a Plane delivers exactly what it promises, mostly. It could have gone that extra mile, and been crazy as a shit house rat, but it didn't quite go there. And the ending is kind of weak, and sort of a stockpile of airplane cliches instead of an all out Jackson vs. Snake bloodfest. For what it's worth, though, the movie is a hoot from start to finish. I highly recommend you watch this movie with an audience. That's the best way to get the full experience. Gather a group of friends, go to the theater, and cheer along. There was a lot of applause at the screening I went to this evening, and the crowd was having an awesome time, laughing at the horrible dialogue, cheering on the snakes, and creating this amazing moviegoing experience usually reserved for a film of Star Wars calibre. I hope Snakes on a Plane does midnight shows, involving the tossing of rubber snakes at the screen. Like a more violent Rocky Horror Picture show. You know, only not as annoying as Rocky Horror.

I'm gonna take a lot of grief for that statement, but I stand by my words.

Snakes on a Plane: It's what you thought it was gonna be.

(PS- I realize I didn't really mention anyone in the cast, or even give a plot summary. But everything you need to know is on the poster: Samuel L. Jackson... snakes on a plane.)

There's another movie that opens tomorrrow that doesn't involve snakes OR planes

I won't be the first critic to note that Neil Burger's The Illusionist is the first of two magician themed mysteries this year, with Christopher Nolan's The Prestige, following in two months time. I will, however, be the first critic who says that and immediately follows it with the word "Balls".

Balls.

The Illusionist takes us back to turn of the century Vienna (turn of the 20th century, not the 21st), where a magician, or Illusionist (title), comes to town. Said Illusionist is played by Edward Norton. Or more to the point, Edward Norton's facial hair. Eisenheim the illusionist strolls into town and puts on a magic show, much to the delight of the crowds. The buzz around Eisenheim grows so much that the crown prince himself simply has to go and see for himself. Sure enough, Prince Leopold's fiancee Sophie turns out to be the grown up version of Sophie, whom a young Eisenheim fell madly in love with many moons ago. They rekindle their passion, much to the chagrin of the aforementioned prince. Naturally, this leads to murder, and a relentless pursuit of the truth courtesy of Chief Inspector Uhl. Will the mystery be solved? Will you ask yourself what is real, and what is... illusion?

It's actually not nearly as stupid as I make it sound, if you can believe it. Sure, Will Arnett's voice would constantly linger in my head every time the word "illusion" was uttered. What matters is that film is for the most part marginally entertaining. What makes it worthwhile are the performances and the look of the film. What makes me angry with it is the ending. More on that in a bit.

Edward Norton has been missed of late. It seemed like he disappeared for awhile there. He's still got it, though. He manages to pull you in, and believe him, even if his accent and face are a little silly. You believe Eisenheim. At least, you want to believe him, which is the greatest trick a magician... excuse me, illusionist, can do. Paul Giamatti portrays the good inspector, and adds another great beard to his mighty collection. Luckily, I can watch Paul Giamatti doing pretty much anything and think he's brilliant (check out the scene in Sideways when he's reading on the toilet and try to tell me that's not Oscar worthy stuff), so it helps that he imbues his character with enough gray area so you never quite know where he's coming from. Always a good choice to cast him. Jessica Biel is actually decent in this, as she plays Sophie. The character is a little weak, though, but she steps up to the challenge. And easy on the eyes to boot. And as the prince Leopold, all I can say is it's nice to Rufus Sewell in movies. Even if they aren't Dark City 2: Darker City.

Neil Burger's film portrays a place I can't recall ever having seen on film before. Possibly, but I can't fixate on anything concrete. AS a result of this, I enjoyed the film quite a bit more. It's fun to see where Vienna stands at the turn of the century, and it's fun to see this world he's created. It's also a world where people, while still a bit skeptical, are a lot more inclined to believe what they see for what it is. There are several layers at work, especially with a title like the Illusionist. And the beautiful cinematography from Dick Pope just adds to the splendor. I can;t stress enough how much I enjoyed this aspect of the film.

It should also be noted that Philip Glass provides a Philip Glass score. I happen to like him, so this is a good thing, but some may take that as a warning.

Now, my main problem is that I quite enjoyed the film as a whole until the last five to ten minutes or so. And my other problem is it's not really fair of me to tell you why, even in vague terms. Suffice it to say that the ending has a very strong resemblance to the conclusion of another, similarly themed film. Which wouldn't be quite so bad if it wasn't an almost shot for shot rip off. That really irritated me, and unfortunately that stayed with me, and skewed my opinion of the film a little bit. Or a lot. Enough to cause commotion.

But this is a problem of my own. I'm sure that many people will find no problem at all with it. And that's fine. But you don't write here, I do, so...

I recommend The Illusionist because it succeeds at presenting a world I have never seen. For that alone, it's worth it. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually. The performances are top notch and there's a great air of whimsy and mystery to the whole project, which is a nice change from most heavy handed drama normally reserved for this time period. Now we just have to see if The Prestige can one up the Illusionist's trick.

(Balls)

For my NY peeps!

any of my old friends out there on the east coast want to meet Tony Jaa? Of course you do, who am I kidding? Anyway, I saw over on Ain't It Cool News that Tony Jaa will be in New york on Tuesday to promote "The Protector" which is a much more badass title than "Tom Yung Goong" which is the original title. Either way, the new marketing for American audiences seems to neglect the fact that Tony Jaa is protecting his pet elephant. Seriously. Then he kicks everyone's ass. EVERYONE!!!

Anyway, the link to the info about the evening is here. I strongly urge you to make it if you can. The dude's ridiculous. Ong Bak is amazing, and Tom Yu... sorry, The Protector, is even more so. Check him out, because if he's around for awhile, I can put him in things.