You say you wanna see a movie?

You say you're tired of the studio crap that's been pumped down our throat all summer? That you desire to see a movie full of blood, guts, and destruction? And considerable amounts of nubile flesh?

Then you wanna see Piranha 3D.

Answer Yes or No to whether you like these things in movies about ravenous aquatic wildlife attacking spring break coeds:

Obvious Jaws references.

Underwater Nude Ballet.

Elizabeth Shue, still looking good.

Ving Rhames mowing down killer piranha with an outboard motor.

Eli Roth's head being crushed by a boat…

In 3D.

Underwater Nude Ballet featuring Kelly Brook.

Endless scenes of spring break carnage.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD SHOUTING EVERY LINE!!!

Lots of eviscerated flesh.

Adam Scott on a jet ski with a shotgun.

A scene that involves a killer fish burping up breast implants and something far more grotesque.

Underwater Nude Ballet featuring Kelly Brook... in 3D!!!

(With that chick!)

Seriously, if you answered "No" to any of these movies, go eat pray and love somewhere else. For the rest of us people who like movies, enjoy the hell out of Piranha 3D.

Box Office Report: We'll probably have more exorcisms now

Dude here again. Can you believe the summer movie season is almost over? Doesn't it seem like just last week when we were talking about how every movie this summer sucks, and there's nothing worthy of coming out, except for maybe Inception and Expendables? And here we are, a whole summer has passed us by.

And we're still making arguments that a lot of the movies this summer sucked.

This weekend, the estimates are giving us a neck-and-neck race. Whose ego will prevail victorious? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Last Exorcism (LGF) - $21.3, 2874 screens, week 1, $21.3 total

2. Takers (ScrGms)- $21.0, 2206 screens, week 1, $21.0 total

3. The Expendables (LGF)- $9.5, 3398 screens, week 3, $82.0 total

4. Eat Pray Love (Sony) - $7.0, 3108 screens, week 3, $60.7 total

5. The Other Guys (Sony) - $6.6, 3181 screens, week 4, $99.3 total

6. Vampires Suck (Fox) $5.3, 3233 screens, week 2, $27.9 total

7. Inception (WB)- $5.1, 2070 screens, week 7, $270.7 total

8. Nanny McPhee Returns (Uni)- $4.7, 2798 screens, week 2, $17.0 total

9. The Switch (Mir) - $4.6, 2017 screens, week 2, $16.4 total

10. Piranha 3D (Dim)- $4.3, 2491 screens, week 2, $18.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that somehow, our collective audience viewing habits couldn't decide between the standard late-August horror fare thats served up to us, or Heat-lite starring two of the most wooden actors in the history of the game. The Last Exorcism, which I hear is quite effective, seemed to be on track with a large Friday haul, but Takers seems to be making money as well, which fascinates me because that movie looks like a junior high brandy ad. Real numbers will prove the winner, but this is another of those races where whoever wins, we lose.

The Expendables and Eat Pray Love continue their dance, sweeping up the remains. Meanwhile, all the other big releases from last week (five of them!) have settled down to the bottom of the chart. And sure, everybody's pulling in some money, but it's comparatively weak sauced compared to previous years.

Although it seems according to this chart that the top nineteen movies all grossed at least a million dollars, which is nothing to be ashamed about. To give you perspective, Step UP 3-D made $1.2 million dollars in three days, where as I made $262 in 3 days with my wonderfully shitty job. Justice: Hollywood Style!

Fun Fact: Only one movie in the top ten features a nude underwater ballet and a scene where a fish burps out a digested human penis. Not so fun fact- that movie is at the bottom of the list, not at the top where images like that belong. (Take that, Nolan).

Below the radar, James Cameron decided he wanted some more money, and released a special edition of Avatar, you remember that one, right? The movie about the blue hippies who want to save the world in 3D? Anyway, there are a few new scenes in the film, which means hot rapey blue firewire cable scenes! Anyway, the public was mostly not having that, having spent so much money seeing it in theaters earlier this year then buying the crappy bare bones Blu Ray, so it only made $4.0 million. just slightly less than Pirahna 3-D, which is the superior motion picture due to blood, nudity, and time factors.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Machete comes to own us all! And Clooney's got a new movie which mean it's time for serious movie season to start!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Box Office Re..EXPENDABLES AGAIN, MUTHAF@#KAS!!!

Dude here again. Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel a-li-i-i-ive! And the world, turn it inside out, I'm floating around, in ecstasy. So don't… stop me now. Cause I'm having a good time.

Havin a good time.

This weekend, those expendable folk continue to kick our collective asses, in addition to the asses of five, (count 'em FIVE) new releases. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Expendables (LGF)- $16.5, 3270 screens, week 2, $64.8 total

2. Vampires Suck (Fox) $12.2, 3233 screens, week 1, $18.5 total (Wed open)

3. Eat Pray Love (Sony) - $12.0, 3082 screens, week 2, $47.1 total

4. Lottery Ticket (WB)- $11.1, 1973 screens, week 1, $11.1 total

5. The Other Guys (Sony) - $10.1, 3472 screens, week 3, $88.1 total

6. Piranha 3D (Dim)- $10.0, 2470 screens, week 1, $10.0 total

7. Nanny McPhee Returns (Uni)- $8.3, 2784 screens, week 1, $8.3 total

8. The Switch (Mir) - $8.1, 2012 screens, week 1, $8.1 total

9. Inception (WB)- $7.6, 2401 screens, week 6, $261.8 total

10. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Uni) - $5.0, 2820 screens, week 2, $20.7 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that we now need to put Dolph Lundgren in more movies. Because He's the greatest thing in that movie, and that movie is the #1 movie for 2 weeks in a row. KICKING YOUR ASS!!!

They actually released a movie with the title "Vampires Suck", fittingly accompanied by the Fox fanfare, and it managed to make $18 million, which is cause for shame for everybody who bought a ticket, unless you were underage kids buying tickets to a PG-13 movie so you could sneak into Expendables.

In which case shame on you for not buying tickets to Scott Pilgrim instead. It needs the money and totally deserves it more. (+100 pts AWESOME)

All the new releases seemed to settle around in this odd $8-$12 million range. Respectable for the dog days of summer, but next week will show if anybody cares to see any of these flicks. I'm betting Lottery Ticket and Piranha 3D.  

Fun Fact: Sixteen movies made at least $1 million this weekend. Including that Cats and Dogs sequel.

Below the radar, highly acclaimed documentary The Tillman Story, took in $52,400 on 4 screens. And other highly acclaimed documentary A Film Unfinished took in $37,500, also on 4 screens. There were a lot more indie releases, but they didn't report anything/ So eff them. 

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, I don't know. Probably a horror movie. And something else that's probably stupid. I think Avatar's coming back, too, with a full on creepy neon blue sex scene.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Lest us not forget that there is a 3-D movie coming out about killer pirahna!

This and Jackass 3-D kind of make it all worthwhile.

Piranha 3D: For Your Consideration from Piranha 3D

6 out of 6 Men Agree...

The Expendables is a solid 2 & 1/2 star picture.

But it becomes a 4 star picture whenever Dolph Lundgren is onscreen.

Box Office Re..EXPENDABLES, MUTHAF@#KAS!

Dude here again. Had to take another week off. It turns out, I couldn't contain my excitement for The Expendables anymore, and I just had to go out to a shack in the woods and meditate. Then on Friday when it was released, I broke my two week vow of silence to journey to the theater to see it.

it was sold out.

Son of a...

This weekend, they came, they saw, they kicked some ass over eating, praying, and loving. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. The Expendables (LGF)- $35.0, 3270 screens, week 1, $35.0 total

2. Eat Pray Love (Sony) - $23.7, 3082 screens, week 1, $23.7 total

3. The Other Guys (Sony) - $18.0, 3651 screens, week 2, $70.5 total

4. Inception (WB)- $11.3, 3120 screens, week 5, $248.5 total

5. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Uni) - $10.5, 2818 screens, week 1, $10.5 total

6. Despicable Me (Uni)- $6.7, 2923 screens, week 6, $221.9 total

7. Step Up 3-D (BV)- $6.6, 2439 screens, week 2, $29.5 total

8. Salt (Sony) - $6.35, 2834 screens, week 4, $103.5 total

9. Dinner For Schmucks (Par/DW) $6.31, 3046 screens, week 3, $58.8 total

10. Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore (WB)- $4.0, 2728 screens, week 3, $35.1 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that that the rest of the country agrees with my 13-year old self (and our dads) as The Expendables vaults past the competition, decimating everything in it's path.

Eat Pray Love. Second Place Fine. Word Of Mouth Strong. Strong Second Week. Mark My Words.

I realize that everybody was out seeing the movie where shit blows up, but couldn't anyone give more love to Scott Pilgrim? Edgar Wriight makes good flicks, he deserves your love, and I'm sure he's made a terrific motion picture, he hasn't failed us yet.

Just like Nolan.

Fun Fact: For the scene where Mark Wahlberg shoots Derek Jeter alone, The Other guys is the now officially the GREATEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

Below the radar, highly acclaimed import Animal Kingdom. featuring Guy Pearce is a no-doubt badass performance, took in $64,000 on 7 screens. Good considering the reviews, but not nearly as impressive as per screen as Expendables, proving once and for all that Expendables is the superior motion picture of this weekend. Oh yeah!

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we finally get the 3-D movie we deserve. And some other nonsense that involves Ice Cube.

Until next weekend....

(Yeah, it's a pizza with cheeseburgers on it)
(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

You Need To See This Again

Box Office Report: Once... Twice... Three Times a Lady!

Dude here again. Had myself a nice vacation, unplugged from the internet. It was refreshing, and mildly disturbing. Like picking off a scab. But that's neither here nor there, I have numbers to report!

But for what it's worth, I'm still really bummed I didn't get to use the headline "SALT LICKED!" last weekend.

This weekend, if we were bowling, I'd say Nolan has himself a turkey. But we're not bowling. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Inception (WB)- $27.5, 3545 screens, week 3, $193.3 total

2. Dinner For Schmucks (Par/DW) $23.3, 2911 screens, week 1, $23.3 total

3. Salt (Sony) - $19.2, 3612 screens, week 2, $70.8 total

4. Despicable Me (Uni)- $15.5, 3602 screens, week 4, $190.3 total

5. Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore (WB)- $12.5, 3705 screens, week 1, $12.5 total

6. Charlie St. Cloud (Uni) - $12.1, 2718 screens, week 1, $12.1 total

7. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $5.0, 2105 screens, week 7, $389.6 total

8. Grown Ups (Sony) - $4.5, 2269 screens, week 6, $150.7 total

9. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (BV)- $4.3, 2524 screens, week 3, $51.8 total

10. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $3.9, 2334 screens, week 5, $288.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that if we were playing hockey, people would throw their hats on the ice for Christopher Nolan. Am I using these sports metaphors properly? I don't know of these things. Is that top still spinning?

The Dinner For Schmucks didn't need as much SALT, oh Dispic… I'm really too lazy to keeping that. Suffice it to say, they made enough money.

The geniuses in Hollywood finally answered my letters and made a sequel to Cats & Dogs, and were even kind enough to make it in 3-D, and how do you repay them? By not seeing it. Way to go, people.

Fun Fact: I keep wanting to come up with something snarky and mean to say about Charlie St. Cloud, but that Zac Efron is so damn charming I just can't.

Below the radar, a movie called Get Low made $90,900 on 4 screens. And a documentary about Hugh Hefner made $10,000, playing on one screen. Awesome.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg finally team up. And more letters are answered with ST3P UP 3D!!! (I'm assuming that's a real movie).

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Flamethrower Vs Fire Extinguisher

There may come a day when I finally figure out how to appropriately format these videos to fit my blog space.And on that day, those obnoxious spammers will stop leaving links to porn site in the comments.

Until that day comes, though, enjoy this awesome video that looks like what would happen if Napoleon Dynamite aged ten years and developed a drinking problem and brought a flame thrower to a fight with Brad Dourif.

Enjoy!

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

(Hey how about that, it actually fits!)

Box Office Report: SALT LICKED!

I was on vacation last week, and I really regret not writing that headline in the box office report I didn't write.

More Inception stuff.

It makes more sense if you've seen the flick, but I found this neat little piece about Inception, which people seem to like.



Not quite sure I want to see it again, for fear I'll find more flaws, but I'm willing to give Nolan the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, Inception is pretty cool

I liked it quite a bit. Even if I did have to pee worse than when I saw Star Trek.

Oh, and Predators rocked as well. It's all about the Brody!

Box Office Report: Christ (opherNolan) Saves

Dude here again. I'm starting to question my status as The Dude. There are several other dudes out there, far more dude-like than I, and I'm thinking maybe perhaps my time as The Dude is up. Maybe it's time to move on and find a new name.

Or maybe I just need to drink more cough syrup in the mornings. Less?

This weekend, the alleged savior of of summer films hath arrived. did it meet expectations? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Inception (WB)- $60.4, 3792 screens, week 1, $60.4 total

2. Despicable Me (Uni)- $32.7, 3501 screens, week 2, $118.3 total

3. The Sorcerer's Apprentice (BV)- $17.3, 3504 screens, week 1, $24.4 total (Wed Open)

4. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $13.5, 4001 screens, week 3, $264.9 total

5. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $11.7, 3177 screens, week 5, $362.7 total

6. Grown Ups (Sony) - $10.0, 3074 screens, week 4, $129.2 total

7. The Last Airbender (Par) $7.4, 2805 screens, week 3, $114.8 total

8. Predators (Fox) - $6.8, 2669 screens, week 2, $40.0 total

9. Knight & Day (Fox)- $3.7, 1925 screens, week 4, $69.2 total

10. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $2.2, 1532 screens, week 6, $169.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that everybody who thought Christopher Nolan's Inception would be movie that turned things right at the box office, and maybe cleaned up all that oil in the gulf while it was at it, could be right. An impressive $60 million take for an unproven idea that allegedly takes some thinking to enjoy, is nice. Next week, however, will show if it has the legs to become something legendary, or just something to pass the time.

Nicolas Cage tries to pay back a portion of his debt with another family friendly Disney flick, but comes a little short of the National Treasure numbers. I just hope the man gives another batshit crazy Nic Cage performance in it. Because that's all I want from movies anymore.

Toy Story 3 has gone to become the highest grossing flick of the year thus far. Twilight 3, not as much. Grown Ups, what the hell is going on there? I forgot that movie exists. Blah blah.

Fun Fact: in last week's column, I ignorantly dismissed the "badassitude" of Adrien Brody in Predators. Having now seen the film, I can attest, dude rocks the shit out of this movie.

Below the radar, there's something called Standing Ovation. It was released on 623 screens and took in $361,000. I can't find any other information on this movie, so I'm choosing to believe it is a religious picture, the kind that come out of nowhere and make more money than Jonah Hex. (5 weeks later, not even playing, but I'm keeping the Hex love alive, people)

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we get to shake on some Salt! And Ramona and Beezus, too!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

This says it all

Box Office Report: Despicable edition

Dude here again. You know, I get knocked down. But I get up again. You ain't ever gonna keep me down. I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink. I drink a cider drink, and I drink a lager drink. I sing a song that reminds me of the bad times.

I sing a song that reminds me of the better times.

This weekend, mysterious advertising techniques propels animated glee to the top of the pack, while the most boring love triangle in cinematic history continues to suck money out of pockets. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Despicable Me (Uni)- $60.1, 3476 screens, week 1, $60.1 total

2. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $33.4, 4468 screens, week 2, $237.0 total

3. Predators (Fox) - $25.3, 2669 screens, week 1, $25.3 total

4. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $22.0, 3753 screens, week 4, $340.2 total

5. The Last Airbender (Par) $17.1, 3203 screens, week 2, $100.2 total

6. Grown Ups (Sony) - $16.4, 3463 screens, week 3, $111.3 total

7. Knight & Day (Fox)- $7.8, 2628 screens, week 3, $61.9 total

8. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $5.7, 2458 screens, week 5, $164.6 total

9. The A-Team (Fox)- $1.8, 1236 screens, week 5, $73.9 total

10. Cyrus (FoxS)- $1.3, 200 screens, week 4, $3.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that almost any animated movie that's released in 3-D will do well, even with inexplicable advertising. Seriously, until I read a review this week, I had no idea what the hell the movie was about. There are weird little yellow guys, a preview where the guy hijacks a pyramid… all stuff out of my drunken nightmares. Anyway, it did very well, as the good reviews probably didn't hurt.

Fox finally answered my letters and gave us another Predator movie, this time replacing the strong Arnold Schwarzenegger or the stoic Danny Glover with Adrien Brody and the guy from That 70s Show. (Though, truth be told Trejo and Walt Goggons from The Shield and Justified are also in it, so that makes up for the badassitude). Anyway, it did A-Team and Knight & Day numbers, but will most likely turn out to be one of the more profitable flicks Fox has this summer. (Sorry A-Team and Knight and Day).

Twilight continues its train of mediocrity while crossing the $200 million mark. You know, that's the one thing I don't like about the Twihards is how quickly they stop seeing the movie in theaters. Sure, they bombarded the multiplexes last week, but this week there are tame numbers. You're not trying, people.

Fun Fact: The "Grease Sing-A-Long" Version was released this week, and blame for that falls squarely on Glee. At least it wasn't in 3-D.

Below the radar, The Girl Who Played With Fire, the sequel to the the hit Girl With The Dragon Tattoo that opened up a few months ago (and will be remade in English in the near future because I hate subtitles) opened up on 85 screens to take in $965,000. Also, The Kids Are Alright, which seems to be the second best reviewed movie of the year (After the dead heat unity between Toy Story 3 and MacGruber) opened on 7 screens and took in $505,000, with a $72,000 per screen average which is the highest of all this week.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, Inception is finally released in an attempt to satisfy those of us who have been hyping it up as the greatest movie this summer can offer. Plus, a Nic Cage movie that features him with ridiculous hair.

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)

Winning Video Games

Here's what video games would look like if they were SUPER easy. 

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

(Thanks to Geekologie for pointing this out)

It's... Arrested Development

This is no mere illusion.

What's that? You're clamoring to see the world from a Turtle's Point of View?!?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait till you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.

What's that? You need to see a picture of Bill Pullman from Lost Highway?

"No, no, no, no, no. After me."

Karl Urban as Munder, in the hit motion picture Ghost Ship

Box Office Report: Vampires V Werewolves, but not nearly as cool as it sounds. Again.

Dude here again. Doing what President Bill Pullman told us to do fourteen years ago when the world united to stop our alien oppressors., then murdered my wife in one reality while in another Robert Loggia beats up a dude for tailgating and… That's not the right movie is it?

Sorry, I'm thinking of Spaceballs.

This weekend, Twihards come out to show nerds how it's done! Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday, as these are holiday numbers).

1. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Sum) - $69.8, 4468 screens, week 1, $161.0 total (Wed Open)

2. The Last Airbender (Par) $40.6, 3169 screens, week 1, $57.0 total (Thurs Open)

3. Toy Story 3 (BV)- $30.1, 4028 screens, week 3, $289.0 total

4. Grown Ups (Sony) - $18.5, 3534 screens, week 2, $77.0 total

5. Knight & Day (Fox)- $10.2, 3104 screens, week 2, $45.5 total

6. The Karate Kid (Sony) - $8.0, 3109 screens, week 4, $151.5 total

7. The A-Team (Fox)- $3.0, 2153 screens, week 4, $69.1 total

8. Get Him To The Greek (Uni)- $1.1, 884 screens, week 5, $57.4 total

9. Shrek Forever After (Par/DW) - $0.79, 957 screens, week 7, $232.1 total

10. Cyrus (FoxS)- $0.77, 77 screens, week 3, $1.4 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that loud sigh of disappointment you heard around the world was me. With maybe my friend Larry thrown in there a bit, too.

Kudos to The Last Airbender, which suffered the slings and arrows of fanboy outrage at casting choices, an allegedly horrendous 3-D conversion, and the worst reviews this side of Sex and the City 2, to take in an impressive $50 plus million in four days. M. Night Shyamalan still has something.

Other wise, everything is about normal. Toy Story continues doing what it does best. As does Adam Sandler. Knight and Day isn't too impressive, but to continue my Killers analogy from last week, they are mere dollars apart in total gross right now. Isn't it Alanis ironic? Dontcha think?

Nice to see Cyrus in the top ten as it expands. Once again, go see this flick, I can't say enough good things about it. It's funny, it's poignant, it's real, and it's satisfying. That's all you want out of a movie these days.

Fun Fact: I can't find a movie theater that's playing Jonah Hex anymore.

Below the radar, Love Ranch, which strs Academy Award WinnerS Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci as a husband/wife team who run a brothel in Nevada (when is Hollywood gonna stop making trite formula films like this?) opened on 11 screens and took in $63,000.

So there, you have my amazing break down. Next week, we finally can figure out what Despicable Me is supposed to be, but who really cares because fuckin' PREDATORS comes out!!!!!!!

Until next weekend....

(All Numbers courtesy of Box Office Mojo)