Dude here again. I heard about this movie that's coming out next week. It has superheroes in it. Robots would make it better. But I still think it has the potential to be a decent movie. I don't know, has anybody heard about this movie Watcherman?
This weekend, however, we finally see an end to the ridiculous numbers. Or at least a lull. Surprising lull, to be honest. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (LGF) - $16.5, 2052 screens, week 2, $64.8 total
2. Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Movie (BV) - $12.7, 1271 screens, week 1, $12.7 total
4. Taken (Fox) - $9.9, 3089 screens, week 5, $107.8 total
5. He's Just Not That Into You (NL) - $5.8, 2858 screens, week 4, $78.5 total
6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $5.6, 2698 screens, week 7, $128.1 total
7. Coraline (Focus)- $5.2, 2063 screens, week 4, $61.1 total
8. Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li (Fox) $4.6, 1136 screens, week 1, $4.6 total
9. Confessions of a Shopaholic (BV)- $4.4, 2534 screens, week 3, $33.6 total
10. Fired Up (ScrGms) - $3.8, 1811 screens, week 2, $10.1 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that the Disney empire on tween concert movies might be dwindling. The Jonas Brothers 3D Experience opened far from the amazing take of that Hannah Montana nonsense. Maybe people are sick of the Jonas Brothers. They're certainly no Hansen, I tell you that.
Madea Goes To Jail retains the top spot, while Slumdog Millionaire shoots up to number 3, proving that a Best Picture Oscar win can make you more movie. So my next step in life is to make a Best Picture Winner. Hey kids, dream big.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li opened up to a piddling 8th place, which is just about right. The movie is, however, worth checking out as it is spectacularly awful. Happening-levels of awful, people. Check it out!
Not for nothing, but Taken, Blart, Coraline, and He's Not That Into You have all done pretty terrific business for an economy that's toeing the edge of a volcano. Just saying.
Below the radar, a film called Crossing Over, which stars Indiana Jones and is being hailed as "Traffic, but about immigrants instead of drugs" opened up on 9 screens and took in $75,600. As long as there isn't a scene involving an immigrant hiding in a fridge as it's blown across the border, I think that can be considered a success.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, the Watcherman watches.
Dude here again. Super-psyched that it's Academy Awards time. Being that I'm awesome, I'm going to give you my top Oscar picks. Here it is: Rambo for best everything that's not Best Supporting Actress, which goes to The Dreadnaught in Death Race, and Best Costume Design going to The Duchess. Those were some damn pretty costumes. And Best Animated Picture is obviously Space Chimps.
This weekend, another ridiculous amount of money is made by one release. But last week's number stumbles greatly. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (LGF) - $41.1, 2032 screens, week 1, $41.1 total
2. Taken (Fox) - $11.4, 3102 screens, week 4, $95.1 total
3. Coraline (Focus)- $11.0, 2155 screens, week 3, $53.3 total
4. He's Just Not That Into You (NL) - $8.5, 3050 screens, week 3, $70.0 total
6. Friday the 13th (NL/Par) - $7.8, 3105 screens, week 2, $55.0 total
7. Confessions of a Shopaholic (BV)- $7.0, 2507 screens, week 2, $27.6 total
8. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $7.0, 2835 screens, week 6, $121.3 total
9. Fired Up (ScrGms) - $6.0, 1810 screens, week 1, $6.0 total
10. The International (Sony) $4.4, 2364 screens, week 2, $17.0 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Madea went to jail, and did a hell of a lot better than when that Ernest guy went to jail. Know what I mean, Vern? Madea Goes To Jail proved to be a huge hit for the Tyler Perry empire, which means that we can be sure of at least a decade's worth of Madea titles. Thanks a lot, world.
Ok, so as I'm writing this, the Duchess really did just win for best costumes. Skills like these, people, is why they pay me the big bucks.
Last week's number 1, Friday the 13th, dropped a whopping 80%. It's the 6th largest drop of its kind. Records all around this weekend. Still, Jason's got nothing to worry about, as the film has already made back it's budget three times over, which is still more money than I will ever see in my lifetime, unless my Mega Millions ticket from Friday paid off. (Note to self: check lotto numbers).
Fired Up- didn't quite bring it on. You see what I did there? Skills like these, people.
Wait a minute, Space Chimps wasn't even nominated?!?! Pardon my interweb lingo, but Double-you-tee-eff? The whole damn system is corrupt.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, Liam Neeson continues his reign of terror upon us all, and there honestly is nothing you can do about it. And only one week to Watchmen!!!
R. Bill Mountain noted in the previous article about the picture. The picture is indeed of a smiling Alan Moore holding a copy of the movie Watchmen, while putting his arm around Watchmen director Zach Snyder.
It is a photoshopped picture. Moore's rants against Hollywood and how it adapts his properties are so well known they're bordering on cliche. On the plus side, if he keeps it up, soon he'll cross the line and turn into self-parody. (My favorite option).
Anyway, the pic came from this wonderful Cracked.com article entitled "The 7 Stages Of Nerdgasm". It's definitely worth a good read, and is frighteningly accurate.
For what it's worth, I really can't wait to see this movie. I really hope it deserves multiple viewings. Because I'm going to see it a lot.
Dude here again. The box office is jumping this weekend! Literally. No, that's not true. But it could be the truth, if it believed it could. Sometimes we just have to believe we can jump, and then before you know it, we've jumped further than we imagined we could. Sorry, I thought I was writing inspirational young adult fiction for a moment.
This weekend, Jason came to put a stop to this silly nonsense about men not being into you. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday. tuesday really, if you want to include holiday numbers, but this is from Fri-Sun).
1. Friday the 13th (NL/Par) - $42.2, 3105 screens, week 1, $42.2 total
2. He's Just Not That Into You (NL) - $19.6, 3175 screens, week 2, $55.0 total
3. Taken (Fox) - $19.2, 3109 screens, week 3, $77.9 total
4. Confessions of a Shopaholic (BV)- $15.4, 2507 screens, week 1, $15.4 total
5. Coraline (Focus)- $15.2, 2320 screens, week 2, $35.5 total
6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $11.7, 2965 screens, week 5, $110.5 total
7. The International (Sony) $10.0, 2364 screens, week 1, $10.0 total
8. The Pink Panther 2 (Sony) - $9.0, 3245 screens, week 2, $22.3 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that people really wanted to see another Friday the 13th movie. In three days, this Michael Bay-produced remake made more than the original film in it's entire theatrical run. In the parthenon of films that feature Jason Vorhees, this one comes in second, after the epic battle between Jason and Freddy.
When it came to what people like to refer to as "Chick Flicks", audiences seemed to prefer the one where they're just not that into you over the Shopaholic. Fueled, no doubt, by our troubling economic times, audiences preferred to not watch a character amass insane debts.
And Liam Neeson's epic rage continues, with a tiny percentage drop from last week, and beating out tough guy Clive Owen's debut on The International. Most of the holdovers this weekend also seemed to hold steady after last week's numbers, just adding to the coffers of Blart. And Slumdog Millionaire contiues to win over audiences across the land!
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, steep declines in box office numbers are predicted as nothing huge opens. But hey, only two weeks to Watchmen!!!
Now that we live in the future, I must say I am uber-disappointed in our ability as a society to catch up to the technologies that movies told us we'd have. Sure, we may be at the brink of a dystopian society the likes of which we have never seen, but that doesn't mean we can't TRY to match these things right?
I'm not talking about flying cars, because normal people can't drive normal cars. If we had flying cars, while it certainly would solve some population control elements, it would not be, as the kids would say a good thing at all.
But dammit, I want the sports of the future! I want landmines in the football fields, and zero G race cars that drive on psychadelic rainbow roads! I want The Running Man, with their cadre of stalkers chasing criminals through satire!
Dude here again. Coming to you again on another dark and stormy night. Well, day. It doesn't really matter, though, does it.
This weekend, I'm just not that into doing the box office report. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. He's Just Not That Into You (NL) - $27.4, 3175 screens, week 1, $27.4 total
2. Taken (Fox) - $20.3, 3184 screens, week 2, $53.3 total
3. Coraline (Focus)- $16.3, 2299 screens, week 1, $16.3 total
4. The Pink Panther 2 (Sony) - $12.0, 3243 screens, week 1, $12.0 total
5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $11.0, 3169 screens, week 4, $97.0 total
9. The Uninvited (Par/DW) - $6.4, 2344 screens, week 2, $18.3 total
10. Hotel For Dogs (Par/DW)- $5.8, 2734 screens, week 4, $55.2 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Sex and the City 2: Sex and the Citier, opened up a lot better than those annoying posters would have lead me to believe it would open up. I'm just not into this movie.
Coraline opened up in a nice third place, and will only be a matter of time before images start appearing on hoodies at Hot Topic. Pink Panther 2 opened up to a weak fourth place finish, a far cry from the baffling success of the first film that warranted this painful sequel. Circle of life, my friends.
Push- Audiences just aren't that into you either.
Kicking arse and taking names, though, is Liam Neeson with Taken, dropping a mere 17% from last week's opening. Impressive, but once you see how ridiculously awesome Liam Neeson is, you'd be afraid to not give your money to Taken as well.
Below the radar, Fanboys finally opened after two years of missed release dates. Sadly, it only opened up on 44 screens, and took in $164,000. There's a terrible pun to be made here about Fanboys, but I'm just not that into it. And not just because I fear the movie is a startling accurate portrayal of my life. Also opening is Chocolate, from the makers of Ong Bak, this one about an autistic girl who can remember martial arts moves from movies, who uses them to kick everybody in Thailand's ass. Alas, there is no information about the only movie that opened up this weekend that I wanted to see.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, a shopaholic confesses, and Jason Vorhees gets what looks like a ridiculously awesome reboot.
Dude here again. Taking a moment away from the big soccer match to report the numbers back to you. Do I do it out of love? A sense of obligation? Schadenfreude?!? Stop, please. They're all right.
This weekend, I take comfort, a quantum of solace if you will, in knowing that the mall cop has been stopped. I breathe a sigh of relief, and believe for a brief moment the promise that was made when Obama took office: Change. Finally, a sense that aforementioned change is at hand. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. Taken (Fox) - $24.6, 3183 screens, week 1, $24.6 total
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $14.0, 3206 screens, week 3, $83.3 total
3. The Uninvited (Par/DW) - $10.5, 2344 screens, week 1, $10.5 total
4. Hotel For Dogs (Par/DW)- $8.7, 3160 screens, week 3, $48.2 total
5. Gran Torino (WB) $8.6, 3015 screens, week 8, $110.5 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means you don't mess with Liam Neeson. (Unless you're Darth Maul). Taking a commanding opening as a father who will stop at nothing to get his daughter back, Liam Neeson kicked everybody's collective arse and took the top spot at the box office this weekend. It sounds like it should be a record, but alas, the record record for Stanley Cup Weekend still belongs to Hannah Montana Concert nonsense. It doesn't matter. Because you know that Liam Neeson will be silently waiting to dispense his own brand of justice. Watch your back, Chuck Norris.
Opening in third place is The Uninvited, the harrowing story of me and my friends' parties. Kidding of course (I have no friends), The Uninvited opens up a few weeks after The Unborn, which leads to a lot of confusing. (But a lot of happiness for the kids at the theater who have to change the marquee in colder climates). I have no idea what either movie is about, so I'm assuming they both involve scary images that don't add up to a coherent narrative.
New in Town! Nobody in theaters.
What's going on with Gran Torino? Clint Eastwood's most successful movie to date! I guess it's appealing to a lot of people who like watching movies about my old racist grandfather. (Although to be fair, Clint is a lot warmer in his racism).
Outlander, the viking vs alien movie that kinda sorta rocked my face off, made $8,100. A drop of 86% from last week. You're just not trying, people. I drove to Mexico to go see it. That's how dedicated I am to the cause of movies featuring aliens and vikings. Throw in a robot, and I will not know of any reason to ever make another movie ever again.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, He's Just Not That Into You and Pink Panther 2 come to assault me with terrible taste and emasculation prowess! At least I know Liam Neeson will be standing guard. Just waiting...
Dude here again. So... ummm.... really? Again? We're doing this again?
This weekend, some movies opened. But there is only one king of the mountain, and it's the same king. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $21.5, 3144 screens, week 2, $64.8 total
2. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (ScrGms) - $20.7, 2942 screens, week 1, $20.7 total
3. Gran Torino (WB) $16.2, 3045 screens, week 7, $97.5 total
4. Hotel For Dogs (Par/DW)- $12.3, 3271 screens, week 2, $36.9 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means the king of the hill is Paul Blart... Mall Cop... AGAIN! What's going on out there? Did I miss a memo? Paul Blart Mall Cop.
There was an Underworld movie out for Odin's sake! And as much as I dislike those movies... Mall Cop?!?!
The Oscar nominations were announced, and that certainly gave a small boost to some of the nominated fil..MALL COP!
A MOVIE CAME OUT WITH VIKINGS FIGHTING AN ALIEN!!! It made $53,200 on 81 screens. That's $21,446,800 less than the mall cop. Vikings fighting aliens, people! Think about what you've done.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, I'm willing to bet that the Mall Cop wins again, thus giving me an excuse to just write the words "MALL COP" with dollar signs all around it and turn it in. I might just write it now and sleep in next week.
Because a new film has come to kick both their asses.
I have no idea what's going on in this movie, but I really don't think it matters. It involves elephants and breaking legs, and last time Tony Jaa did that, it kicked my ass silly.
Dude here again. Sorry about the tardiness, I was taking a brief holiday... In My MIND! Oh, and because I was waiting for the results of the 3 day holiday weekend before reporting. Yeah, that's what I was doing. I did not wake up several hours reeking of booze and gunpowder in the desert somewhere, and rushed to the nearest computer because I realized it was already Monday. Didn't do that at all.
This weekend, a whole lot more movies opened up. Very diverse. But there is only one king of the mountain. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Tuesday, as this is the holiday weekend estimates).
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)- $39.0, 3144 screens, week 1, $39.0 total
2. Gran Torino (WB) $26.2, 2972 screens, week 6, $77.2 total
3. My Bloody Valentine 3-D (LGF) - $24.2, 2534 screens, week 1, $24.2 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means the king of the hill is Paul Blart... Mall Cop. While I will confess to laughter at the title, I can't believe a movie with the title Paul Blart: Mall Cop is not only a number 1 movie, but it took in almost $40 million in four days. Say the title over and over again. Then think about what you could do with 40 million dollars. And how long that would take you to accumulate that amount.
Now take into account that there is also a movie released this weekend titled Hotel for Dogs, and while the take is significantly less, over $60 million was spent between a mall cop and a hotel for dogs.
And sandwiched in between is My Bloody Valentine 3-D, a movie about Biggie Smalls, and angry racist Clint Eastwood. Between Blart and Dogs.
This astounds me... I can't go on.
Hotel For Dogs.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, another Underworld movie opens, the Dark Knight starts a rally to melt your face in IMAX again in case it gets a bunch of Oscar nominations, and a bunch of other Oscar-bation releases are expanding, due to the number of nominations they are anticipating. But in limited release comes Outlander, which is a movie about vikings fighting an alien which sounds like the greatest idea for a movie that my 14 year-old self could ever dream of.
There's also a promo video here, but if you play it at work, make sure you work in an environment that's conducive to violence, profanity, and nudity.
That link may not be there anymore, but if you hunt it down, it's worth checking out, mainly for the scene involving Statham and a shotgun. You'll see.
Just a friendly reminder, for those of you that know and care or don't know and care, that tomorrow, 1-14-09, my friend Cody Burke will be a contestant on the Price is Right!
Will he win?!? Those who have Cody as a Facebook friend will know the answer, but in case you don't, I won't ruin the surprise.
Set, watch, and enjoy Cody as he fulfills a lifelong dream!
(Check your local listings for times. On the West Coast, Price is Right comes on an hour earlier than East Coast. this messed with my head for a real long time, but then I realized how much more shit I could get done if Price is Right is on at ten, not eleven. SO there you go.)
Dude here again. It seems like life is returning to normal again, as January is in full swing bringing colder temperatures (to those in the Northern Hemisphere, I mean) and a barrage of crappy movies released that weren't good enough to release during the other eleven months of the year.
This weekend, brides versus babies! but are they any match for that dog movie that's been out and capturing the hearts and minds for the past two weeks? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. Gran Torino (WB) $29.0, 2808 screens, week 5, $40.0 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that angry, racist Clint Eastwood attracted more viewers than brides or unborn babies. And that's a good thing. Gran Torino is a solid movie anchored by a classic Eastwood performance of angry. See it for yourself, and just watch him seethe at everybody. It's pretty terrific.
But since Clint has proved that he can pretty much kick anybody's ass, that leaves a struggle to fight for second place. Both The Unborn and Bride Wars are making claims that are very similar to each other, and they might even change positions by the time final numbers are disputed. But one this is for certain: both these movies look terrible. Except that creepy walking backwards creature from Bride Wars. Or Unborn. I don't remember which is which. All I know is that I don't want to see either.
Interesting to note that the top three flicks all broke $20 million. Don't think it's a record or anything, but it just means that a lot of money was being spent at the movies this weekend. Although all the big holiday flicks have begun to taper off, making way for the new crop of crap! (January is often called the dumping ground, as I believe I always remind you all of every January).
Some move called Not Easily Broken opened up in 9th place. I don't know much about this movie, but searching the interwebs has shown that critics don't have nearly as much vitriol and bile for this film as they do with Bride Wars and Unborn. So there you go.
Below the radar, all the awards' season flicks are getting significant boosts and adding to their tallies. Which is good, but since there are so many of those films to bother mentioning (in addition to my being supremely lazy, but really because I'm writing this while at work) I'm not going to mention them.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, My Bloody Valentine 3-D is here to wipe that blue hair out of Kate Hudson's head. With a pickaxe.
Dude here again. Rockin' yet another New Year! Bringing you the first box office numbers of the new year!! Trying to refrain from as many "I haven't _______ since last year!" jokes as possible, but it's getting kind of difficult. (Although it's time to retire the "I haven't SHOWERED since last year, because at this point, that's pretty gross, and not at all attractive to the ladies).
This weekend, barely anything changed from the previous week, which makes my job, once again, infinitely easier. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).
1. Marley and Me (Fox) - $24.0, 3505 screens, week 2, $106.5 total
So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means the same thing that it did last week, so I'm going to put forth very little effort again. Seriously, the top 7 are the same exact as last week. I barely had to cut and paste!
Suffice it to say, people REALLY felt the need to see a movie about a family with a terrible dog, but I guess that's the appeal of Owen Wilson, too. People really like that Bedtime Stories, Benjamin Button, and Valkyrie. Even Yes Man and Seven Pounds are doing solid, if not spectacular given the star wattage, business.
And hey, Slumdog Millionaire, one of the best films of the year, is back up in the top ten. All in all, these past two weeks have been a boon for the film industry, which means lots of money for lots of people who already have money. The film business is booming, but I still will be out of work in a month. Huzzah!
Below the radar, Defiance, another Nazi movie (although, this one about the Jewish resistance fighters, not actual Nazis) opened up on 2 screens in an Oscar qualifying run, and took in $121,000 giving it the highest per screen average of the week. It has Daniel Craig, and although I like his portrayal of James Bond, I'm still smarting over how bad that last movie was, and I'm a little defiant (HA!) about seeing this one.
There you have my amazing break down. Next week, something called Bride Wars opens, which is nothing at all like Star Wars, and I believe the trailer made me weep for the future.
Everyone compiles their best of the year lists at this time. And to be honest, I'm no different. I think it's because I lack imagination, and vision. Especially in the "blog-o-sphere". I'm sort of ashamed of myself for writing that word. Like, a lot.
Anyway, I've compiled a list of the movies I liked and didn't like, and all the ones in between. There is sort of an order to it, but mainly in the "Best" part. It's also noted that of the myriad of films I missed this year, they will be most certainly find placement in one of my convenient categories, so it could change as I see more movies.
(It should be noted that had I seen it last year, I would definitely put The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford in my top ten).
But one thing is for certain:
THE GREATEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR, POSSIBLY OF ALL TIME: RAMBO
Seriously. there's no denying it. Just accept it, and life will be grand for all.
WITH THAT IN MIND, THESE MOVIES COME CLOSE TO THAT LEVEL OF AWESOME (18): SYNECHDOCHE, NY If Rambo didn't exist, this movie would be the best. This is a close second, though, as no other movie made me think, laugh, cry, be afraid, and re-ignite my passion to make movies as much as this movie did. All around excellent, but well aware that it's not for everybody.
WALL-E I love this goofy little robotic bastard. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Unbelievably solid storytelling, with no hint of pretension or Oscar dreams in it's eyes. On top of which, it's gorgeously shot, and shows a world we rarely see. Of all the movies with awards buzz this year, this is the film that deserves whatever comes its' way.
THE WRESTLER It's like a Bruce Springsteen song come to life. Sure, the movie is an expanded version of Bill Bradley's senior film (starring yours' truly as the One Many Army, as he wrestles inside and outside of the ring). But it's a really good expanded version, anchored with two outstanding performances from Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei. And an awesome use of Quiet Riot. It's totally Jersey, and I loved it.
SON OF RAMBOW / BE KIND, REWIND alright, so maybe these two movies did remind me of how fun it is to make movies. I find them to be spiritual kinfolk. Son Of Rambow is sweeter, and makes more sense by being set in the 80s, but Be Kind Rewind has a certain charm about itself. But both put a big smile on my face.
IRON MAN/THE DARK KNIGHT They're both awesome movies. And I feel that if there are follow-up films, they won't be able to capture what these accomplished this year. But if they do, those movies will be amazing. GRAN TORINO It's grizzled, racist Clint Eastwood. It's not sentimental at all. Like a better version of Crash that earns your respect. Plus Clint throws around a lot of racial slurs. Like watching a movie about your grandfather, but more badass.
DEATH RACE It has the Dreadnaught. That is all.
SNOW ANGELS Kate Beckinsale finally made a movie I like. But I've become a David Gordon Green fan, and even though Pineapple Express was his big hit of the year, this movie haunted me for days. Very chilling performances from Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell. Well worth seeing.
IN BRUGES Because Colin Farell acting like a bored 10-year old, and midgets, make a brilliant motion picture.
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL Of the Apatow cannon this year, I find this to be the sweetest and the best made. It uses the stable of actors to good use, and thankfully doesn't overuse them, while welcoming new people to the fold. And it ends with a puppet musical. That can't be beat.
STEP BROTHERS While Sarah Marshall was the better made, Step Brothers makes me laugh harder than anything. Especially on repeat viewings. I've quoted this movie so many times since it's release, it's scary. If you don't piss your pants at that sleepwalking stuff, then you need to consult a urologist. Not a great film by any means, but one that I can't stop watching and laughing at.
RACHEL GETTING MARRIED I was surprised I liked this movie as much as I did. I wanted to attend the wedding. And at times, I wanted to throttle Anne Hathaway and make her realize not everything is about her, no matter what traumas you may have gone through. But she nails the character far too well, but not in an obnoxious way. A treat of a movie. JCVD Van Damme can act! And he can appear in a good movie! And this is exactly the movie that he deserves. A loving tribute to the action heroes of my youth.
TIMECRIMES A great little Spanish time travel/paradox movie that grounds itself in a believable reality. It's worth checking out, even if you can figure out what's going to happen before the lead character does. It plays very well, though, and it plays fair.
4 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS, 2 DAYS I saw other people put this on their best of lists, so I figured I would put it on mine. It's not a movie I ever want to see again. It's disturbing, and frightening, and very upsetting. But it's a damn fine film that's worth seeing once. But make sure you know what it's about before deciding to watch it, because otherwise it could ruin Christmas dinner. DAMN SOLID FLICKS: THE SIGNAL, CHICAGO 10, THE BANK JOB, THE HAMMER, THE RUINS. SMART PEOPLE, KUNG FU PANDA, THE PROMOTION, HELLBOY II THE GOLDEN ARMY, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, ROLE MODELS (11) FUCK YOU, I KINDA LIKE THESE: VANTAGE POINT, SEMI-PRO, DRILLBIT TAYLOR, SUPERHERO MOVIE, STREET KINGS, BABY MAMA, HAROLD AND KUMAR 2, THE FOOT FIST WAY, YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, GET SMART, THE HOUSE BUNNY, ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO (13)
STILL UNDECIDED (4):
TROPIC THUNDER I did laugh my balls off at this movie. I even saw it twice in the theaters. It has scenes between Danny McBride and Nick Nolte, which is fantastic. But there isn't that much to it, and what is there is Hollywood satire that's been done countless times before. (Except for Downey, who is brilliant). It has many moments, but the Tom Cruise thing grows tiresome. (And Matty McC doesn't get the credit he deserves for it). This movie confuses me.
SUKIYAKI WESTERN DJANGO Another movie I can't make heads or tails out of. It has some powerful imagery, and it also has batshit crazy nonsense. And Quentin Tarantino acting, which is never a good thing. But I certainly didn't hate this movie.
ROCKNROLLA It's a Guy Ritchie movie, but made by a more mature Guy Ritchie. And the second robbery sequence is the best thing Guy Ritchie has ever filmed. But I sort of wanted a retarded Guy Ritchie movie, not a restrained one. I have to see this again, as I think I may have a better appreciation for it now knowing I'm not in for Snatch 2.
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON. A powerful film that's about dying. I thought individual scenes worked fantastically (the lightning guy scenes were great, the scene with Julia Ormond reading the postcards made me cry like a bitch), and it's certainly a technically astounding movie, filled with great images and seamless effects work. But I didn't think that the lead character was compelling enough (he just lived an ordinary life, not an extraordinary one), and it had too many moments of Gump. And the Katrina stuff was off-putting. On top of all this, I was forced to sit in the front row of the theater, and couldn't really enjoy the film. I need to check this one out again.
MEH: CHARLIE BARTLETT, PARANOID PARK, RUN FATBOY RUN, LEATHERHEADS. THE FALL, HANCOCK, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 3-D. BURN AFTER READING, CHOKE (9) TERRIBLE, BUT AWESOMELY SO: DOOMSDAY Escape From New York + Road Warrior + Excaliber + Aliens + hot chick in tight leather = I will like this movie no matter what.
WANTED That MacAvoy guy is terrible in this movie. But Morgan Freeman swears. And it has more headshots than any other movie this year. But I can't tell you a damn thing that happens in the movie.
TRANSPORTER 3 It's a Transporter movie. It's not trying for Oscars. PUNISHER: WARZONE (4) Ouch. This movie is astounding. A face melter of a motion picture. And almost as violent as Rambo! BAD/INSULTING/JUST PLAIN STUPID: IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE I'll relate this series of text messages from my friend Dave Hyde to accentuate the point. 1) dude, Burt Reynolds plays a king. 2) Ya, this is horrible and it's not like it's devoid of acting talent. Shitload of people I have heard of are in this thing. 3) the bad guy or thing getting lit on fire and getting in the catapult was interesting. 4) not sure if it is so bad I want to watch or so bad that I don't. 5) OMG Lillard is beyond bad.
And that makes more narrative sense than the actual movie does.
THE EYE She gave me her fries, I gave her 90 minutes of my life. And both things were never meant to be...
JUMPER There's so much bad going on in this movie that it's almost entertaining. But it's just so lazy, and terribly acted, that it's not even entertaining. Watch the creepy scene in the bar where the extra can't stop looking at the camera. It's the best bit of acting in the whole thing.
DIARY OF THE DEAD This movie was just plain bad. Very stupid. almost angering, but not quite. But it's filled with horrible performances, and a horrible understanding of the internet and technology. And it has characters checking their MySpace page in the middle of a zombie outbreak. RiCOCKulous.
21 If you saw the preview for this movie, then you don't need to waste two hours of your life watching this stupid movie. I'm still astounded that the audience I saw it with (including my companion of the evening) ate it up. Although, in her defense, she really just wanted to see the cute guy from Across The Universe. And that put a smile on her face. I wasn't as lucky.
(This picture is more entertaining than all of 21)
JACK AND JILL VS. THE WORLD You've probably never heard of this movie, and that's ok. My friend worked on it, and it was released for a week, and we decided to go check it out, and we were the only ones in theater. I did have an awesome running commentary about the film, and explanations as to how the movie could be even dumber, but was saved through editing. But it stars Freddie Prinze Jr, and is a pretty terrible movie, filled with some awful cliches. Just a bad movie.
THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM Jackie Chan and Jet Li fighting should be an awesome movie. I made one up in my mind as I was watching this one. It starts with them in a giant house/factory and in each room are new obstacles for them to fight each other with. Then about halfway through, they stop for a cookie break, when robotic ninjas suddenly interrupt, and they have to team and fight them. That was an awesome movie. This Forbidden Kingdom, though? nowhere near as awesome as my movie.
DECEPTION I forgot this movie existed until I scanned the release schedule. It has Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor, in a movie about people who have never seen a movie. I think there's a con game involved, and there's a weird sex phone service thing, which allows Ewan to have sex with whoever he wants. And yet, the movie is stupid as hell. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL It was nice to see Indiana Jones in a movie again. I just wish this wasn't the movie. I had the same sinking feeling as I watched Attack of the Clones, when halfway through I realized that something beloved wasn't going to turn out very good at all. But in this movie, it didn't feel like anyone was trying at all. And it has Shia LeBouf swinging with his monkey friends. But it did coin the phrase "Nuke The Fridge", which is a pretty wonderful contribution to the pop culture lexicon. MOVIES THAT ANGER ME: CLOVERFIELD High hopes, dashed by stupidity on many levels. So many levels.
CHANGELING This movie... I'm not gonna go back there.
QUANTUM OF SOLACE Same goes for this one. I'll check it out someday again, once my rage has subsided. But I'm still convinced the movie couldn't be more retarded if they inserted Special Olympics footage intercut with the action sequences.
THE TRAILER FOR THE SOLOIST It needs to end with Jamie Foxx just jerking off an Oscar. Because that's the message this movie is sending to me. FUCKIN RETARDED, THE GOOD KIND: 10,000 B.C. When I approached the box office to purchase my ticket, I looked the ticket kid in the eye and plainly said "I need to see that piece of shit about the wooly mammoths." And it certainly was that.
88 MINUTES Pacino's hair needs an Oscar nomination. And if there's a "dumbest scene" award, it has to go to Pacino outside his apartment building holding a gun, evading police bu walking behind a fire truck.
SPEED RACER Imagine if they made a movie about Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. Imagine that movie had some obscenely amazing racing sequences. But they also overload it with a plot that makes The Phantom Menace's seem like Mr. Tickle by comparison. then remember that the guys who made the Matrix made this movie. But then there's an awesome scene involving racing cars. And the lights burrow into your brain. And that, is Speed Racer.
THE HAPPENING Best Shyamalan movie in years. for all the wrong reasons. But it's stripped of the pretension of Lady In the Water, and for that alone, I respect this movie. This terrible, terrible movie. FUCKIN RETARDED, THE BAD KIND: THE LOVE GURU You ever go to see a friend do open mike night at a comedy club? You know how you have to sit through unfunny comic after unfunny comic go on about how living in LA is so weird? Then your friend goes up, and you feel like you should laugh, but they're just recycling the same shit you've just heard? And you laugh out of pity? Yeah, this movie didn't even get those pity laughs.
HELL RIDE I missed the first half hour of this movie, and thought it made no sense at all. Then my friend told me I didn't miss anything, except more boobs being shaken in front of dirty men's faces. And motorcycle riding. And atrocious dialog, that feels like a terrible rip off of a rip off of Tarantino. But any movie with this much sex and violence can't be all bad, right? Apparently it can.
BABYLON AD Man, this movie should have melted my face right off. Instead, it just laid there. I've heard the international cut actually makes sense, and turns it from an awful movie into a just plain bad one. But I don't think I need to sit through this movie again.
BANGKOK DANGEROUS There was one point where I fell asleep for a half a second. And in that half a second, all the mysteries of the universe were suddenly presented to me in a giant flash of knowledge, wisdom, and energy. I felt fulfilled, and ready to take on the challenges that will be presented before me in this life, and the next. Then I woke up, and they were speaking Thai, and I forgot where I was. Then I remembered I was watching a crappy Nicolas Cage movie, and all that wisdom I had ascertained was gone. I cried. then Cage went on a date with a deaf Thai girl, and killed two people without her hearing it. then I thought about how bossome Ong Bak II is gonna be when it comes out this year. And that put a smile on my face.
MOVIES SO BAD OTHERS HAVE TOLD ME I'D HATE THEM INSTANTLY AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN WASTE MY TIME:
EAGLE EYE My roommate Dan saw this. He said he enjoyed it, but immediately realized that I would hate this movie to no end. That was reason enough for me to save my money. Besides, no swinging monkey friends.
REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA My boss went and saw this movie. He was super excited, thinking about how awful a movie it could be. He immediately texted me that he doesn't want me to see this movie, so that I can still reclaim my soul. He's tried to wish the movie out of existence. It almost made him cry, and give up on movies altogether. Of course, now we edit a DTV sex comedy that isn't funny. but is better than Repo, at least. (In his words). DIDN'T SEE YET BUT DO WANT TO SEE (FOR BETTER OR WORSE): UNTRACEABLE. FOOL'S GOLD, WELCOME HOME ROSCOE JENKINS, DEFINITELY, MAYBE, CJ7, FUNNY GAMES, NEVER BACK DOWN, THE VISITOR, REDBELT, NARNIA, THE STRANGERS, MAN ON WIRE, TELL NO ONE, THE WACKNESS, MAMMA MIA, SPACE CHIMPS, AMERICAN TEEN, THE X FILES (I FELL ASLEEP HALFWAY THROUGH), THE MUMMY 3, VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA, FROZEN RIVER, STAR WARS CLONE WARS, THE ROCKER, HAMLET 2, SURFER, DUDE, RIGHTEOUS KILL, GHOST TOWN, LAKEVIEW TERRACE, APPALOOSA, THE DUCHESS, AN AMERICAN CAROL, BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA, BLINDNESS. FLASH OF GENIUS, HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE, NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST, RELIGULOUS, CITY OF EMBER, QUARANTINE, SEX DRIVE, MAX PAYNE, W. , WHAT JUST HAPPENED, PRIDE AND GLORY, SAW V, BEN X, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, MY NAME IS BRUCE, SOUL MEN, BOLT, FOUR CHRISTMASES, AUSTRALIA, MILK, FROST/NIXON, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, THE READER, WENDY AND LUCY, SEVEN POUNDS, YES MAN, DOUBT, BEDTIME STORIES, THE SPIRIT, VALKYRIE, LAST CHANCE HARVEY, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, WALTZ WITH BASHIR, DEFIANCE, CHE. HAPPY-GO-LUCKY (65) DIDN'T SEE YET, DON'T PLAN ON SEEING: 27 DRESSES, MAD MONEY, MEET THE SPARTANS, HANNAH MONTANA/ MILEY CYRUS BEST OF..., THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE, STEP UP 2 THE STREETS, WITLESS PROTECTION, MADE OF HONOR, SEX AND THE CITY, MEET DAVE, SWING VOTE, COLLEGE, DISASTER MOVIE, THE WOMEN, MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL, FIREPROOF, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3, MADAGASCAR ESCAPE 2 AFRICA, TWILIGHT, MARLEY AND ME (20)
Next year, we get Watchmen, and Wolverine, and a few other movies. I hope it will be a good year. This year was a good one, actually. At least it was good for terrible movies.
