You know what's a solid movie?

Narc.


Narc is a SOLID fuckin' movie.

Box Office Report: 2-18-07

Dude here again. After recovering from the disturbing shock of last week's Norbit #1 (and the subsequent dollars it made while I sit here clipping coupons and counting pennies) , I am finally prepared to bring you some more numbers of many new releases. And I do it a day early, too, given that it's a three day weekend.

This weekend, though, the news isn't that much greater. We also had five movies open in wide release, covering a wide variety of genres and audiences. And yet, Ghost Rider still took in an obscene amount of money. Even more than Norbit did last week. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday, then Tuesday with the 4-day totals for aforementioned holiday weekend. Just to prove me wrong).

1. Ghost Rider (Sony) - $44.5, 3619 screens, week 1, $44.5 total

2. Bridge to Terabithia (BV) - $22.075, 3139 screens, week 1, $22.075 total

3. Norbit (DW) - $16.8, 3138 screens, week 2, $58.88 total

4. Music and Lyrics (WB) - $14.0, 2955 screens, week 1, $19.5 total (Wed opening)

5. Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls (LG)- $12.1, 2111 screens, week 1, $17.79 total (Wed opening)

6. Breach (Uni) - $10.37, 1489 screens, week 1, $10.37 total

7. Hannibal Rising (MGM) - $5.465, 3003 screens, week 2, $22.1 total

8. Because I Said So (Uni) - $4.99, 2446 screens, week 3, $33.2 total

9. The Messengers (ScrGems)- $3.8, 2183 screens, week 3, $30.5 total

10. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $3.7, 2042 screens, week 9, $237.333 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that no matter how bad a film looks in the trailers, people will pay exorbitant amounts of money to see the crap. Seriously. Last week Norbit, this week Ghost Rider takes in $44 million?!?! While I'm happy that a comic book movie featuring a character not THAT familiar with most people took in money (as it will definitely allow future obscure characters to come to the big screen), this movie looks just plain bad. I blame the marketing once again. But anyway, I'd expect a very large drop off next week for this one.

Bridge to Terabithia took in an impressive $22 million this weekend in a nice bit of counter-programming. I expect this will tie into a lot of school vacations, and parents will take children to see it because it's based on a book most of the parents read a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), as I once did. Haven't seen the movie yet, but I have heard that the film is not what it's being marketed as, and it has a lot more heart, and deals with a lot of serious issues that the fantasy-laden ads would never lead you to believe. It sounds like a PG Pan's Labyrinth, when I put it like that.

Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls and Music and Lyrics both opened on Wednesday to get a head start on the weekend (and in Music's case, to provide a cute date movie for Valentines all over.. stupid holiday) and managed to pull in some decent numbers. However, I think the audience for Tyler Perry movies only come out in droves when his Madea character is involved, which film does not seem to have, given that this film took in significantly less than previous Perry outings.. But it does have Lou Gossett Jr, and he's just solid all around.
Oh, and Music and Lyrics is actually quite decent for a romantic comedy, and worth it for Hugh Grant alone.

And now we come to Breach, a film I was supposed to see last week but got stuck in lots of traffic, and then a slight run-in with Johnny Law prevented me from doing so. (Oh, and this is how I'm informing the staff why they haven't gotten my review for it yet. Been a helluva week, guys, sorry.) The spy thriller took in $10 million, which is pretty good for a spy thriller, and it's even more impressive that it wasn't thinned from the herd with the other releases this week.

And in the "Because It's There" series: The Departed took in $350,000 on 320 screens, bringing it's grand total to $131,441,000 in 20 weeks. (What makes this more impressive is that the film was released on DVD this week, and it STILL took in this much).

There you have my break down. Next week, we get an unfunny Jim Carrey, who will hopefully provide me with a series of "23" jokes depending on how much money it pulls in (I'm hoping for $23 million, or $2.3, or $230 million, or something just shy of either number). And we also get a bunch of funny fake cops, uncensored, which should be a fun time, even if the movie is just a variation on Police Academy 5 (my personal favorite of the bunch).

Until next weekend....

Appy Polly Logies

I did a dick move the other day. By which I mean I acted in a rude, selfish manner to a friend. Not that I managed to make my wang jiggle. (It does that on it's own).

Here's the situation: A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away...) I borrowed my friend Rob's copy of "Story", the screenwriting tome carried by many professionals and amateurs alike in this town. It was also prominently featured in the motion picture Adaptation, where the wonderful Brian Cox portrayed the real life author Robert McKee. (Cox would a few months later surprise us all, and kick a fair amount of ass in X2: X-Men United. There's no point in mentioning that aside from pointing out how much ass X2 kicks. Seriously).


Where was I? Oh yeah, so Rob lends me his copy of the book, and then he moves back to New York. I naturally never gave him the book back. I began reading it, when Rob began calling me to ask for it back. Because I'm a lazy man, this takes me a supremely long time. Because I am a poor man, I send it the cheapest, slowest way possible, when I finally DID get around to sending it.

Now, here's the thing, Rob and I have a long tradition of inscribing messages to one another in books, you know, for the ages. And his copy of Story was to be no exception to this rule. However, I decided to write it in the voice of Robert McKee, letting Rob know that he is a no-talent hack and will never make it anywhere in this business. It was pretty funny, if I remember it correctly. (I wrote it awhile ago, and then the mail did take an awfully long time).

To properly ensnare Rob, and thus the prank, I was planning on an elaborate set-up telling him how I attended one of McKee's screenwriting seminars and had managed to get him to sign the book. It was a reasonable set-up, and the payoff, while not immaculate on the level of one being "punk'd", was still fairly humorous.

What I didn't count on, was how touched by this gesture Rob would be. That I would actually get his copy signed for him and then send it is foreign, and he found that to be noble and cool. I sensed actual human emotion in his voice, so different from the robotic monotone he often affects. So now, Rob is looking forward to a signed copy of Story. But alas, it was signed by me. Being a dick. A funny dick, but still.

Naturally, I waited until after he's received the book (because it's still pretty funny) to apologize. And even that I'm only doing on my blog. With pictures of Wolverine.

A Classic To Start Your Weekend...

This is brilliance. And in honor of Reno 911 Miami coming out next week, it's fun to see where the guys began.



Something funny to note: It's quite possible the line "Barry... Sagittarius", was directly (if subconsciously) responsible for my all time great (horrible) pick-up line "Ladies, I'm Mike, Single, Sagittarius... awwwwwwwww yeah!" Fun things to think about.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day

It wasn't the worst one (that was 2 years ago), and it wasn't the best one (which is a tie between last year and the BOSSOME year that Holmes and I went to MONSTER TRUCK JAM!!). There was nothing of note worth reporting about. I did laundry. (And some jerk moved my clothes out of the washer after like, a minute. Then he left his shit in there all through the time I used the dryer. What a jerk.)

But what is of note is that for the past few years in Jersey on Valentine's day, I would always hang out with Becca. Usually go see the cheesy romantic movie that was coming out (especially if it starred Drew Barrymore). Last year, I had a special lady friend, but this year I'm out here on my own. And I don't even get to go the movies with Becca, and this year there's a cheesy romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore AND Hugh Grant. (I like Grant. You like Grant? You don't like Grant? What're you a xenophobe? Go fuck yourself).

So since I didn't get to see it, I present this.

Stuff I'm Digging Lately

As always, the best part of writing for my own web-based journal is pimping out all the fun stuff I seem to be enjoying at the moment. And because I can, I share it with you, my unsuspecting public. Please feel free to discuss, but more so, feel free to enjoy these things, and talk to me about them. Share your opinion. Get a discussion going.

Unless you disagree with me, in which case you should always know that you are wrong, and I am always right.

The Shins - Wincing The Night Away
The new album kicks a fair amount of ass, retaining the lyrics and harmonies that make the Shins so appealing while exapnding on their sound scape. It takes a few go-rounds to truly get into it. Because I'm crazy, I listened to it four times in a row. Personally, while I'm a little played to death with Phantom Limb (although, it is pretty cool to hear the Shins on the radio), I think the best songs are Phantom Limb, Red Rabbits (which has a nice "Young Pilgrims" feel to it, as well as a possible Star Wars reference), and Sealegs.

Other Music: The soundtracks to Me, You and Everyone We Know, and The Descent, Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins, and this Aphex Twin ambient stuff that's pretty darn good.

The Knights of Prosperity
I love this show. Every week, it continues to get better and better. Which means that it will probably be cancelled very soon. But it shouldn't matter. You should try and catch it while you still can. The writing is sharp as hell and quite hilarious to boot ("My baby's so white, she's like a nurse's uniform), and the cast is top notch. Just check out this little video of the theme song.


Each episode lays out one more section of the plan that the knights usually have to overcome. It's like a low rent Ocean's 11.

Along these TV lines, I'd like to point out the bossomeness of Heroes, as well as the NBC Thursday night comedy line-up. Heroes is fast becoming a favorite (even if last week's episode was a little weak), as it has fun with it's premise, and it respects it's continuity without alienating itself from viewers. Plus, it's a lot of fun. Not the best written show, but a lot of fun. I'm hoping for two things from Heroes: a Whedon written/directed episode, and a "stand alone" episode, like in comics, where they focus on just one person, who's not necessary to the whole thing. I would enjoy an episode about a Hero with a useless power. Like the ability to grow a beard really fast, or a hero who can generate heat from his hands, but only enough to really make a grilled cheese sandwich. And the Earl-Office-Scrubs-30 Rock combo is Solid. The episode of 30 Rock with Paul Ruebens was fantastic. I should also point out that in this past week's Office, the opening where Jim has Pavlovian trained Dwight to take an Altoid whenever he heard the start-up noise of the computer, yeah I laughed for about five minutes straight on that one.

Other TV of note: Lost (yeah, last episode was pretty good, and it looks like it will be good again), and MythBusters. Of note mainly for one reason: Kari Byron. Yummy.


In DVD, I'm really enjoying Idiocracy and The Science of Sleep. I never did a proper review of either (although I did write up something on Idiocracy for Home Theater Magazine, but I can't reproduce that here), and the only reasoning I can think of behind that is I'm lazy. Idiocracy is not a great film, but it's funny as hell, and even more than that, I fear that it's an accurate prediction of where we as a species are headed. And Science of Sleep is just gorgeous, but it breaks my heart to watch it. It really does.

And if you're looking for a good old fashioned Van Damme-esque craptastic flick, check out The Marine. It's not a good movie, by any means, but it just tries to kick a little ass. And it succeeds. Entertaining, and sometimes that's all you need.


Oh, I almost forgot to mention this: THE DESCENT KICKS AN UNHOLY AMOUNT OF ASS!
Easily one of the most frightening films I have ever seen. Highly entertaining. This is a movie where the hype is justified as well as deserved. It's good, solid horror filmmaking. The best part is, it goes on for about an hour on pure suspense, then the gore comes into play. Well worth checking out. So good, I might have to add it to my top films of the year, at about the same spot as Hard Candy.

In theaters: Children of Men. It holds up better with multiple viewings. Its lack of most award recognition is criminal, but hopefully enough Academy members will have had a chance to check it out and reward it for what they can. The last sequence is so amazing, and it gets me every time. And besides, it has the sure sign that a film is good: Chiwetel Ejiofor.


On this Oscar-type tirade, I'll tell you who else I want to win Academy Awards: Mark Wahlberg for The Departed and Thomas Newman for The Good German. Wahlberg rose to the top and stole the show, so much so that when you start to realize that he might not be coming back into the story, you miss his presence. His is truly a supporting performance, and he does a damn fine job with it. (I will accept an Jackie Earl Haley win over Wahlberg, but that won't happen). And Thomas Newman, even though I haven;t heard his score for this film, is one of my favorites, and deserves it. He deserves it for his Little Children score this year (and for the American Beauty and Shawshank Redemption and Green Mile and Finding Nemo, and the list goes on). It's his 8th, and I feel like he won;t win, but it would be nice.


I'm currently reading Chuck Klosterman IV, which is a lovely collection of articles the man has written for various publications (if the moviemaking career never panned out, I would love to follow in Chuck's footsteps, but I fear I would always be viewed as a pale imitation of the man, when really I've been writing like him all along). He has great views, and a good enough sense of humor to keep things lively and interesting, even if at times it feels like he's that friend who really DOES know all about music, but never shuts up about it, and it gets kind of annoying after awhile.

I also read this book about M Night Shyamalan, about the making of Lady In The Water. It's a damn fine read, but it doesn't really forgive Night for making a crappy movie. It just sort of gives a weird kinnd of "shrugging off" of the film as to why it's so weak. But it's worth checking out. I'm also getting on with World War Z!

And despite the fact that we have quite a selection of games for the Xbox 360, I can't stop playing Burnout: Revenge. It's an amazing game. Too much fun.


That's stuff I'm digging lately.

Oh, and I'm really digging this picture of Chow Yun Fat from the third Pirates movie.


And just in case you're wondering as to the opposite end of the spectrum, stuff I'm not digging lately: Fuckin' Jerks who do stupid things all the time to you without realizing it, and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Those are things that suck. I tried to give them fair chances, but alas, I can't do it anymore. I'm done.

Box Office Report: 2-11-07

Dude here again. I... I just don't have it in me today. Not knowing what I have to report.

This weekend... well, let's just go to the numbers and see for ourselves, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. Norbit (DW) - $33.7, 3136 screens, week 1, $33.7 total

2. Hannibal Rising (MGM) - $13.35, 3003 screens, week 1, $13.35 total

3. Because I Said So (Uni) - $9.0, 2529 screens, week 2, $9.0 total

4. The Messengers (ScrGems)- $7.2, 2529 screens, week 2, $7.2 total

5. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $5.75, 2702 screens, week 8, $232.1 total

6. Epic Movie (Fox) - $4.45, 2806 screens, week 3, $35.47 total

7. Smokin Aces (Uni) - $3.79, 2199 screens, week 3, $30.85 total

8. Pan's Labyrinth (PicHse) - $3.5, 1143 screens, week 7, $26.59 total

9. Dreamgirls (Par/DW)- $3.09, 2284 screens, week 9, $97.1 total

10. The Queen (Mir) - $2.5, 1564 screens, week 20, $49.0 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that a lot of people saw Norbit. $33 million dollars worth of people. While I shouldn't be surprised, I'm still allowed to show my dismay. Disappointment, really. I mean, seriously. Norbit? $33 MILLION DOLLARS!?!? And those who opted for Hannibal Rising enough to give that movie $13 million dollars?!?!? And Night at the Museum is still in 5th place, and has taken in $232 million dollars in 8 weeks! What the hell is going on here? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!

I can't go on anymore. I really can't. Shame on you. Shame on you all.

And in the "Because It's There" series: NORBIT took in $33,740,000 on 3136 screens, bringing it's grand total to $33,740,000 in 3 DAYS.

There you have my break down. Next week, we see if Norbit will continue it's reign on your money. If it does, well, I might just have to give up on this crazy movie business and teach kindergarten in Oregon. Maybe I can train them well, and prevent future generations from allowing Norbit 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Until next weekend, may whomever is at the end have mercy on our souls....

Fuckin' A

I enjoyed "Shining". I thought "Brokeback to the Future" was pretty damn great. But all the other trailer mash-ups of late have been severely lacking. Trying to hard to make things work, or not even caring if they work at all. (I blame MySpace for making anyone with an editing program believe that they have the talent to pull this off. I also blame MySpace for global warming, car insurance hikes, and the recently announced news of Anna Nicole Smith's death. Fuckin MySpace. You just don't care who you hurt, do you?)

But this one is different. It helps that it's one of my favorite movies of all time. See for yourself.

Helping a friend out...

Hi all. All 6 of you who read this, even though it's only been box office reports because I'm too damn busy to see movies or write, well, do ANYTHING anymore. (I apologize for that, and I promise to have some new stuff up soon, including a new semi regular feature, maybe, if I have the time).

My friend Brian informed me of this:I just recently edited a short spec commercial for the Southwest Airlines “Wanna Get Away” Sweepstakes with a director-friend of mine out here in L.A. The winner has their spot become part of their national campaign. I’m asking if you could take the time to go to the following URL and vote for our spot.

I've seen it. I love it. I voted for it. All I ask is that you check it out for yourselves and vote according to your conscience. By which I mean you vote for my friend's entry, because you couldn't bear the guilt of betraying us all like that.

For your efforts, here's a picture of the terminator.

Box Office Report: 2-4-07

Dude here again. writing to you on this Superbowl Sunday. I'm sure the... team of one city is going to dominate the team of another city. But don't discount that other team, they could prove to be the underdogs we never expected. And if this were a movie, they would wait until the last minute to finally overcome the dominant team. Ok, truth is, I don't give a damn about any sporting event that doesn't involve the Mets. Seriously. My godson could have a little league game and I wouldn't care. Unless his team was called The Mets. Which I think his dad would approve of.

(I know his Dad would NEVER let his son be on a team called the Yankees, and if he did, well, it might be time to seriously re-evaluate our friendship).

This weekend, lower numbers prevailed, as only two new movies opened up, and too many people are caring about the Stanley Cup tonight. In a surprise to anyone who has never read one of my columns, a horror movie took the top spot. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. The Messengers (ScrGems)- $14.5, 2528 screens, week 1, $14.5 total

2. Because I Said So (Uni) - $13.0, 2526 screens, week 1, $13.0 total

3. Epic Movie (Fox) - $8.2, 2840 screens, week 2, $29.369 total

4. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $6.75, 3003 screens, week 7, $225.365 total

5. Smokin Aces (Uni) - $6.3, 2219 screens, week 2, $24.955 total

6. Stomp The Yard (Scr Gems) - $4.2, 2169 screens, week 4, $56.0 total

7. Dreamgirls (Par/DW)- $4.0, 2797 screens, week 8, $92.795 total

8. Pan's Labyrinth (PicHse) - $3.66, 1082 screens, week 6, $21.696 total

9. The Pursuit of Happyness (Sony) - $3.1, 2233 screens, week 8, $157.35 total

10. The Queen (Mir) - $2.7, 1850 screens, week 19, $45.5 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that nobody really cared about going to the movies this weekend, opting to spend time with their friends and enjoy the soccer match. The Messengers, another of the PG-13 Ghost House flicks that Sam Raimi produces, once again made some coin, providing the low budget affair with enough coin to keep the cycle going for years to come. (That reminds me, I think Boogeyman 2 is coming out next year, featuring Tobin Bell from Saw).

(Off topic, the word "Boogeyman" is recognized by my spell-check program. What a strange word to include in that dictionary.)

Because I Said So, my award for dumbest title of the year, took in a surprising $13 million estimated. I'm sensing that a lot of analysts will attribute this to a largely female audience that doesn't care for the World Polo finals. (I have to keep the gag going, folks, deal with it). This number might actually increase if what I just wrote turns out to be true, but given the poor reviews, I don;t think there's much hope for this flick.

The Academy Awards... blah blah blah... Dreamgirls... ramble ramble ramble...The Queen... etc... Pan will rule your world... Epic Movie and Night at the Museum...WHY!

And in the "Because It's There" series: Breaking and Entering took in $15,400 on 2 screens, bringing it's grand total to $47,600 in 8 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, we see if Eddie Murphy can single handedly ruin his Oscar chances with a movie that looks even more terrible than Epic Movie, if you can believe that

Until next weekend....

I love this British Shit

This is worth noting because of the sheer amount of UK comedic talent involved. It's several years old, and I believe it was for Britain's Comic Relief.

This is the first part.


This is the second.


I should have been a dick, and switched them, just to confuse you. But in the end, that didn't seem as funny as it was in my head.

Box Office Report 1-28-07

Dude here again. I come to bring grave news, and at the same time, I have a strange sense of deja vu. I seem to remember this weekend last year, and the shock and general dismay I presented with the moviegoing public for making Big Momma's House 2 the number one movie in the country.

This weekend, an unbelievably awful film takes the number one spot, proving my theory that a movie doesn't have to be good, so long as it has a MySpace page and a Borat joke. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. Epic Movie (Fox) - $19.2, 2801 screens, week 1, $19.2 total

2. Smokin Aces (Uni) - $14.26, 2218 screens, week 1, $14.26 total

3. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $9.45, 3241 screens, week 6, $216.7 total

4. Catch and Release (Sony) - $8.0, 1622 screens, week 1, $8.0 total

5. Stomp The Yard (Scr Gems) - $7.8, 2115 screens, week 3, $50.65 total

6. Dreamgirls (Par/DW)- $6.6, 2785 screens, week 7, $86.65 total

7. The Pursuit of Happyness (Sony) - $5.0, 3066 screens, week 7, $152.9 total

8. Pan's Labyrinth (PicHse) - $4.5, 823 screens, week 5, $16.25 total

9. The Queen (Mir) - $4.0, 1830 screens, week 18, $41.2 total

10. The Hitcher (Rogue)- $3.598, 2836 screens, week 2, $13.398 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that the people opted to see crap. Seriously. In a move I can barely begin to understand, Epic Movie took in almost $20 million dollars over the weekend. $20 million dollars for a movie that just recreates a scene from a famous and popular movie, and ends the scene with a dude getting kicked in the junk. For 90 minutes. With no connective tissue for the scenes to actually make the movie enjoyable, or coherent. Here's an idea for the 2 of the six writers of Scary Movie who gave us Epic Movie and Date Movie. It's called "Good Movie". It involves two key ingredients, a plot and originality. Best of luck on that one, fellas. But of course, the success of Epic Movie means that Fox interpret this to make more movies, and I'm fairly certain we could be seeing "Oscar Movie" this time next year, which is actually a great idea for a parody (especially to be released around this time of year), but these are not the people to make the film. For the love of God, please don't let them behind a camera again.

Smokin Aces did alright, which is fine. The movie deserves to make some money. Catch and Release didn't (forgive me, I'm channeling my inner hack) catch on with audiences or critics, who released their hard earned money to aforementioned Epic Movie. The mostly positive things I read about Catch and Release all involved Kevin Smith. Of course, I read all those things on the man's personal blog, so that info might be a bit skewed. (Or askewed if you're a Smith fan). And something called Blood and Chocolate, which I'm told was a popular book and is about teenage werewolves and is far from Ginger Snaps, opened in 15th, taking in $2.1 million.

The Academy Award nominations were announced this week, and it didn't really do that much more than last week's Golden Globe boost (or shenanigans, as I like to call them) did. Dreamgirls, probably the most talked about movie to NOT get a Best Picture Nomination EVER, dropped about 17% after expanding on to almost 600 more screens. While they can claim they have the most noms, it's only because they got 3 in best original song. (Nobody, by the way, seems to be pointing out that while Dreamgirls was "robbed" of a best pic nod, nobody is discussing the absence of Children of Men up there. Curious). The Queen did about the same as last week, as did Pan. (nice to see Pan up there, and with multiple nominations). The Departed was released on a few more screens, and appears below the top ten, just above Babel, and close to Letters From Iwo Jima. The fifth Best Picture nominated film, Little Miss Sunshine, is now available on DVD. Why not pick yourself up a copy, they make wonderful gifts.

And in the "This Piece Of Crap Is Still Making Money" series: Apocalypto took in $211,000 on 175 screens, bringing it's grand total to $50,205,000 in 8 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, something comes out. I think it's a horror movie. Go see Children of Men.

Until next weekend....

Is Smokin Aces as awesome as I bragged it would be in my box office report?

I really wanted to report that Smokin' Aces is the brutal, bloody, nihilistic steel-toed cinematic boot to the junk that we've been needing. I really wanted to. That first preview for it KILLED. It looked like this was gonna be the most badass melee since Godzilla fought Ali at the Rumble in Tokyo. But the trailer went and did something... it lied.

Smokin Aces is not the movie I thought it was going to be. It feels rather unfair to view the movie on those terms, but fact is, I'm going by what I was initially expecting, and the end result was something much different. Not better, or worse, just not what was expected. Smokin Aces becomes a strange hybrid, mixing the cynical all flash style associated with a film like Snatch or The Big Hit, but also combining a tad more serious minded affairs of something akin to The Usual Suspects. Tonally speaking not storywise. My problem with director Joe Carnahan's approach, while certainly novel, is that the movie wants to have it's cake and eat it too. It desperately wants to be the rumble, but it has a tiny bit more on it's mind. What that could be, though, I didn't pick up on.

It seems to be the story of several assassins all out to kill Buddy "Aces" Isreal (Jeremy Piven), a kind of junior mafioso crossed with Doug Henning (If you don't catch the reference, google the man). He's about to turn evidence, and the mob doesn't like this, ordering a cool million dollars to whoever kills him and brings the mob boss Aces' heart. The catch is, all the assassins must descend upon Isreal, who is holed up in a penthouse in Reno before "The Swede" arrives in town. I point this out because the gentleman who plays The Swede is the tall blond Nordic leader from The 13th Warrior, and he stomps groin hardcore in that movie, so anytime I get to see him in something, I must draw attention to it.
(Respect)

Thing is, the movie seems to go along this path for quite a bit, and looks like it will ramp up and deliver what that amazing trailer promised. It comes up to a big violent showcase where assassins, security, and the FBI begin something that would have been a John Woo teenage wet dream, and that's where that part ends. A different gear kind of kicks in, and the movie becomes a bit more convoluted, and needs to remind you that it gave you this information earlier, and that you should have been paying attention instead of just hoping for a "Get your gun off" movie. Thing is, when it does this, the movie takes on a different tone. Gone is the breezy, if slightly ridiclous and hyper-stylized tone, replaced by something else. (Although, there is a flash of the original tone involving Martin Henderson's character, which is appreciated).

What kept me hooked are the performances. There are far too many actors in this film, and everyone, to their credit, does a damn fine job. Besides previously mentioning the Nordic man, Piven, and Henderson, I'm going to champion Jason Bateman (who practically steals the movie from EVERYONE with his brilliance as a sleazy lawyer) Common (as Jeremy Piven's main security guy, he pulls off something smooth. I want to see him in more movies), and the guys who play the Tremor Brothers. You see, the Tremor Brothers are almost what's wrong with this film, and what's so right about it, as they are quite over the top. The guys who play them are fantastic, and I would have preferred to see a movie that featured them solely as the villains. They're fascinating, but the film doesn't spend enough time with, and the time it does spend doesn't really match the reputation that proceeds them.

I must point out again, that Smokin Aces is not a bad film. It looks good, has great performances, and a decent soundtrack. The more I contemplate it, the more I appreciate what it actually is. But do not be fooled. It is not non-stop action, pulse pounding, or any other hyperbole laden review you will be likely to find. It's an above average post-Tarantino crime film, or even a pretty solid Elmore Leonard novel. It has moments of genuine wit, and it rarely bores. It's just not the movie that you think it would be.

Box Office Report: 1-21-07

Dude here again. Wow, there's some messed up things going on in Congress these days huh? I don't know either, really. But I do know that there was another weekend, and that means there are lots of little numbers associated with those numbers.

This weekend, a close race to the top between the only two champs of late. How close is it? So close that I bet by the time I actually post this, the numbers will have changed. That's why I'm taking my sweet time writing it. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. Stomp The Yard (Scr Gems) - $13.3, 2051 screens, week 2, $41.564 total

2. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $13.0, 3483 screens, week 5, $205.8 total

3. Dreamgirls (Par/DW)- $8.7, 2214 screens, week 6, $78.1 total

4. The Hitcher (Rogue)- $8.2, 2831 screens, week 1, $8.2 total

5. The Pursuit of Happyness (Sony) - $6.7, 3066 screens, week 6, $146.5 total

6. Freedom Writers (Par) - $5.56, 2286 screens, week 3, $26.88 total

7. Pan's Labyrinth (PicHse) - $4.7, 609 screens, week 4, $10.155 total

8. The Queen (Mir) - $3.7, 1586 screens, week 17, $35.857 total

9. Children Of Men (Uni) - $3.7, 1524 screens, week 4, $27.48 total

10. Arthur and the Invisibles (MGM/Wein) - $3.1, 2248 screens, week 2, $9.296 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that you, the people, felt like a rerun. The first two movies remain the same, Dreamgirls made roughly the same as last week, and to continue the metaphor, the only newcomer, The Hitcher, is a remake. (It's not a bad remake. It's solid, if unnecessary, but I was REALLY drunk when I saw it, so I might be a little skewed on it. In fact, on my notes was a barely legible scrawl that I eventually deciphered to be "Sophia Bush = Purdy").

Of more important note, movies that fared well at the Golden Globes this past week saw some impressive boosts. Dreamgirls, winner of the Best Comedy/Musical opened on 300 more screens, but continues to pull in the roughly the same numbers as last week. But The Queen jumps into the top ten, in 17 weeks, showcasing Helen Mirren's almost unanimous acclaimed role as... someone British. I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. (Not enough robots for my taste). Babel (Best Drama Winner) jumped up just underneath to #12, taking in about $2.3 million. And The Last Kind OOf Scotland (with multiple award winner Forrest Whitaker) moved from 55th place last week to 17th, taking in $1.75 million. Expect more boosts this week when those other gold awards (the ones a lot of people seem to REALLY care about) are announced.

(I'd like to point out that I hope to one day win an Academy Award, but I hope that by the time I do, they managed to turn the award into a Transformer, that way it can be an award AND a robot)

Of even more important note, I'd like to point out the presence of Pan's Labyrinth on the list. Expanding to more theaters each week seems to be working. Hopefully this movie will continue to play for a long time. Along with Children of Men. Two great flicks I can't pimp out enough.

And in the "just because it's there and because I can" series: Primeval (the big Crocodile movie that my roommate convinced me I shouldn't waste my money on, so I have to wait until tomorrow to see it, when I can use my free passes, because he's a JERK like that) took in $1,827,000 on 2,444 screens, bringing it's grand total to $9,543,000 in 2 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week, we have Epic Movie, which I have a feeling could be quite horrible. I think something else comes out next week, too. Maybe a few movies. Time will tell.

Until next weekend....

Oh wait, Smokin' Aces comes out next weekend! Solid! That movie's gonna kick a lot of ass.

Son of a whore...

Once again, another genius idea is plucked from my head.














(However, it should be noted that if you kindly request it, I will read the passage to you for your answering machine pleasure.)

I REALLY want to see this movie.

Embed This Video | Visit Fox Searchlight

Oh my.


Oh my.

Wasn't too sure about the music at first, but then got into it the second time around. It's bold to use the Requiem For A Dream music, but damn is this trailer solid.

And I realize, I have yet to see a horrible Danny Boyle movie. Even at their weakest (The Beach), they're still fantastic to look at. And I'm a HUGE Life Less Ordinary defender.

Bossomeness... in its purest form.

I drive the Prius. I like driving the Prius. Her name is Serenity. She gets me where I need to go, comfortably and with style. All while helping the environment. (She's also not this particular model, but I don't have any pictures of Serenity that aren't complete blurs, or involve something... incriminating in the photo. Serenity has black exterior and tan interior. And when the script sells, maybe a sun roof).

Now, one of the more... amusing, shall we say, aspects of my vehicle is when you throw her into reverse. Apparently, in the older models, since the car is so quiet, people didn't realize that they were in reverse, and this caused accidents. So, due to numerous stupidities, the factory installed a beeping mechanism within the car, so you know you're in reverse. Only within the car, mind you, not outside as if I were driving a large cargo van.

(This was the source of MUCH amusement with my old girlfriend, who would giggle every time. It should also be noted that, on our first date, she pushed me to see how fast my car can go in reverse, which is a mind blowing 19mph. And there was beeping the whole time. And laughter. Hell, she STILL laughs when she hears it. She tries to hide it, but I catch her).



So, there's the beeping. most times it's amusing, some times, it's annoying.

But the other day, something miraculous happened. Something I could never plan for, and I'll be damned if I could ever repeat it.

See, while reversing, the beep beep beep of the reverse warning aligned PERFECTLY with the beat of the music I was listening to. It was amazing. A glorious moment of serendipity. I sat there, stunned, and truly jazzed that stuff like this still happens. Seriously, it wasn't even offf half a beat or anything, there was no gradual slow down or out of phasing. Straight down the beat. I'm a drummer, and I couldn't have nailed that beat down as perfectly as my stereo and my gear shift conspired to that day.

Sadly, I forgot to get the track name (It was by Caribou, an album I picked up on a whim for my birthday because Tower had NOTHING in stock when I went there), and I don't think I'll ever be able to line things up the same way again. But there was a brief moment when all was right with the world.



Then reality (and the Dodge Neon behind me) came crashing in.

PS- You may notice the word Bossomeness at the top of the article. I forgot to mention that, on a cold weekend in December, I discovered that the word "awesome" and the word "Boss" sometimes can't just convey how truly amazing some things are. However, when you combine the words, and create "BOSSOME", a whole new world of possibility awaits you. Therefore, I humbly submit my creation to the lexicon: Bossome.

I'm awaiting the Nobel call any day now.


...you can't take the sky from me....

Box Office Report: 1-14-07

Dude here again, with round of numbers that mean nothing to me, but mean a whole lot to people in buildings that I cower in the shadow of, day in and day out. I'm merely an ant. But not for long. Because, my friends, sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug.

This weekend, yet another movie about kids in competitive hip hop dance styles takes the lead. I didn't even realize the horrible pun I just wrote until after it was already on the page. But it's there. I have to live with it now. I wonder if I can make money from every other outlet that uses it, claiming that I said it first.Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Although, I think it's a holiday weekend, so the actuals might be ready on Tuesday, with some nice boost numbers on Monday. But this is Friday-Sunday).

1. Stomp The Yard (Scr Gems) - $22.0, 2051 screens, week 1, $22.0 total

2. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $17.1, 3612 screens, week 4, $185.756 total

3. The Pursuit of Happyness (Sony) - $9.1, 3169 screens, week 4, $134.479 total

4. Dreamgirls (Par/DW)- $8.1, 1907 screens, week 5, $64.96 total

5. Freedom Writers (Par) - $7.7, 2179 screens, week 2, $18.4 total

6. Children Of Men (Uni) - $6.4, 1508 screens, week 3, $21.398 total

7. Alpha Dog (Uni)- $6.1, 1288 screens, week 1, $6.1 total

8. Primeval (BV) - $5.988, 2444 screens, week 1, $5.988 total

9. Arthur and the Invisibles (MGM/Wein) - $4.3, 2247 screens, week 1, $4.3 total

10. The Good Shepherd (Uni) - $3.9, 1994 screens, week 4, $54.26 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that my spec script for "You Got Served... AGAIN!" is looking like it will be able to finally pay off! Stomp The Yard faced a lot of harsh criticism to win over moviegoers hearts and wallets. (Or electronic equivalent, this being the 21st century and all). This really should have come as no surprise to anybody, but I bet you hear the phrase "We never expected it to be THIS big" enter the lexicon shortly.

The other newcomers didn't seem to fare as well, which is disheartening, especially with regard to Primeval. Why? Because it's a movie about a giant crocodile, people. The failure of one means that no more shall follow. Sigh. Crocodiles, people. Alpha Dog fought years (literally) of litigation to finally get a release, and not perform that great. And the less said about Arthur and the Invisibles, the better. Why, I don't know. I guess because it means that Luc Besson may make good on his claim to stop directing movies.

The holdovers did alright, with Museum and Happyness continuing on their path. Freedom Writers and Dreamgirls had very low percentage drops from last week, but they also added a lot more screens. So it's like things balanced out. In a way.

Below the radar, nothing else really to talk about, except I want to throw my love towards Pan's Labyrinth and note that every week it keeps expanding. This week, it took in $2.07 million on 194 screens. This flick haunts me, and I can't recommend it enough.

And in the "just because it's there and because I can" series: Casino Royale took in $1,775,000 on 819 screens, bringing it's grand total to $162,525,000 in 9 weeks. It should be noted that it is also the highest grossing Bond Film worldwide, and may even take the domestic record as well in the next few weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week brings about a remarkable #1 comeback, as my numerous online petitions wake the world up to the prospect of a movie about a giant crocodile. It will happen.

Until next weekend....

Dave Hyde said it, it must be true

Dave Hyde. Friend, trusted movie colleague. From the man himself:

We Are Marshall, Easily one of the best movies I have ever seen.

Box Office Report: 1-07-07

Dude here again, with the first box office weekend of the new year, finally recovered from what can only be referred to as a "ridonkulous" New Years' celebration. Typically around this time of year we have the prestige pictures expanding onto more screens. But we also have what is commonly referred to as "The Dumping Ground", where movies that aren't that particularly great are given a form of release before being forgotten.

This weekend, we saw both happen. While the top two continued to dominate, a few new movies were released to not much acclaim nor money, while a few other films spread their wings and flew. That word doesn't look right when typed out like that. Flew. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Night At The Museum (Fox) - $24.0, 3730 screens, week 3, $164.097 total

2. The Pursuit of Happyness (Sony) - $13.0, 3027 screens, week 4, $124.159 total

3. Children Of Men (Uni) - $10.295, 1209 screens, week 2, $11.9 total

4. Freedom Writers (Par) - $9.7, 1360 screens, week 1, $9.7 total

5. Dreamgirls (Par/DW)- $8.8, 852 screens, week 4, $54.48 total

6. Happily N'Ever After (LGF) - $6.8, 2381 screens, week 1, $6.8 total

7. Charlotte's Web (Par) - $6.6, 3303 screens, week 4, $66.975 total

8. The Good Shepherd (Uni) - $6.5, 2250 screens, week 3, $48.4 total

9. Rocky Balboa (MGM)- $6.268, 3018 screens, week 3, $60.89 total

10. We Are Marshall (WB) - $5.1, 2502 screens, week 3, $35.4 total

Ok, those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that people really like Ben Stiller and Will Smith, and the ultimate motion picture event would contain the both of them. Possibly in a story with robots. It will make more than Titanic.

The big (and very cool) surprise here is Children of Men in third place with $10 million. This movie might have a chance at some recognition, because it deserves it. This movie is fan-freakin-tastic. I can't stress this enough.

Freedom Writers (or Dangerous Minds 2, as many outlets referred to it) fared slightly well for what it is. Happily N'Ever After didn't do quite as well, which makes me think that just because it's animated, doesn't mean people will see it. At least until the lucrative home video market. And Code Name: The Cleaner opened in 12th place with $4.6 million. The funniest review I read of this movie was in the LA Times, who claimed "It's not THAT bad!" Still, New Line has halted pre-production on the upcoming sequel "Dust Busted".

Below the radar, I have to point out the release of a film I had heard nothing about until this past Monday. The film is called Thr3e. You know, like Se7en. Only with half the grotesque imagery, or brain from what I hear. This film is of interest to me for two reasons. The first is that this is the first release (as I understand it) under the Fox Faith banner, which is a slightly condescending branch of Fox that plans to release more spiritually uplifting (read: Christian themed) films in a hope to make what they call "Passion Dollars". The film opened on 458 screens and took in $740,000, which isn't great, and probably might not bode well for future endeavors from the company.

The second point of interest deals with the movie Adaptation. In the film, Charlie Kaufman's twin brother Donald writes a script for a movie called "The Thr3e". It's about a killer, a cop, and a victim, who are all the same person and reside in the killer's mind. The ads for this movie made me think they actually went ahead and made the Donald Kaufman screenplay. Even to the point where the font on the cover page of Kaufman's script is the same logo used for this film. Conicidence? Don't look at me, I'm like Fox news. I report, YOU decide.

And in the "just because it's there and because I can" series: There was nothing interesting enough for me to put something here, so you get nothing.

There you have my break down. Next week brings a movie about a giant crocodile. I am first in line.

Until next weekend....

I'm going crazy with embedding.

Hope you enjoy this

Rollin With Saget

Hells yeah.

The Good... The Bad... And The Meh

One of the joys of writing for moviesonline is that I get to see lot of movies. And when the end of the year rolls around, I get to join in the prestigious (read: pretentious) group of folk who post their "best of" lists. I am proud to impose my opinions upon you.

I want to point out that I try to be fair, but I try to be honest to myself. And really, in the end, it's my opinion that matters. Because I rule. And in all honesty, the most badass film I saw this year was hands down 300. That movie kicked me all sorts of ways in the privates and forced me to say vulgar things proclaiming the films excellence. But in the interest of being fair, I shall keep it simple and stick to theatrical releases for 2006. I'll save 300 for next year.

Without further ado, I present a recap of the year's offerings, complete with some nifty pictures that I deem appropriate.

THE GOOD MOVIES OF 2006

1. The Proposition
Pure badass cinema. I loved every minute of this film. Everything worked for me in this movie, the cinematography, the music, the editing, the sounds of fly buzzing. Hell, Danny Huston worked for me in this movie... and I don't like him at all. Ever. But now, I'm all about it. This movie is gritty, and violent, and oddly poetic. I loved it.

2. Children of Men
Very much like The Proposition. Clive Owen gives an awesome performance in this bleak, yet soothingly hopeful dystopian vision. Everyone is at the top of their game. There are some shots in this movie that must be seen to be believed.

3. Hard Candy
I regret not catching this in theaters. I would have liked to see this with an audience. I freaked out at certain scenes. If there is any justice, come awards time, Ellen Page will win countless recognition for her performance. She's that good.

4. The Science of Sleep
I found this movie heartbreaking and depressing, and yet I loved every minute of it. But I'm a Michel Gondry nut. The film has a very heartfelt and homemade feel to it. I found it irresistable.

5. Little Children
Mmmmm... Kate Winslet. In addition to being mighty yummy in this movie, the rest of the flick is pretty damn solid as well. Weird, dark, morosely funny at parts, outright disturbing at others. And it captures the look and feel of a New Jersey suburb to a T. The others in the cast are outstanding as well.


6. Pan's Labyrinth
My only complaint about this movie is that I would have liked a little more of the weird dark fantasy land. Aside from that, this film is gorgeous and creepy and strange and beautiful. I just love how this movie looks. And it stays with you for days.


7. Casino Royale
I saw this movie twice in the theater. Twice. The only other movie I saw twice in a theater this year was Beerfest. Oh yeah. Now you know where I'm coming from. Best blockbuster of the year, delivering on all levels. Bonus points for having the District B13 guy doing that one fight scene in the beginning.



8. The Fountain
Sweeping epic romance? Spacey psychadelic head trip? Pretentious sappy new-age dribble? All of the above. Darren Aronofsky's third film is a calmer affair than his previous work, but it's his most emotional work to date. It's not as difficult to understand as many people claim it to be, and it contains Hugh Jackman's best performance to date.

9. Stranger Than Fiction
This one grew on me, the more I stopped to think about it and enjoy it. It's got great performances and a solid script that doesn't get carried away with it's own whimsy. At least not too much. Still, it uses a high concept idea as a launching pad for bigger ideas. And it's worth seeing for Maggie Gyllenhaal alone.



10. Slither
I did not have more fun in a movie theater this year then when I saw Slither. I had the time of my life. Repeated viewings have proven that the film is one of my favorites. There were far too many worse movies than Slither released this year, and their success versus this movie's failure baffles me. Slither is Bossome!

11. Clerks 2
It's my favorite Kevin Smith movie by far. The ending is pitch perfect. Randall is proven, once again, to be one of the funniest cinematic characters ever conceived. And it has Rosario Dawson. One day she will be mine. One day....



12. Little Miss Sunshine
This will probably be nominated for Best Picture. And I think it really deserves to win. But it won't. But it's still a fantastic movie.

13. Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Laughed my balls off. The performances were amazing, and it was nice to see this event come together. Once again, Gondry films...

14. The Prestige
Christopher Nolan is 5 for 5 in my opinion. The man doesn't make a bad film. The Prestige is no exception. And the ending is effed in the head.

15. The Departed
This movie is getting praised to high heaven. It almost deserves it, too. Damon and Wahlberg are at their best here. Leo proves to be really good. And Jack... he's Jack. And Scorsese is himself as well.



16. Idiocracy
It's far from a perfect movie, but it's damn funny and has a lot of great ideas. And it's damn funny. And it's got electrolytes. And that's what plants crave.

17. Curious George
Just a happy, no frills monkey going around having fun, and whenever you hear a Jack Johnson song, it's time to get curious.

18. Cars
I like Pixar movies. This is another good one. They just know how to make their movies right.

19. An Inconvenient Truth
Everyone should see this movie. I'm dead serious.

20. V For Vendetta
This is another pretty badass movie. Even better, it holds up on repeat viewings. Great looking, to boot. And a bald Natalie Portman!

OTHER MOVIES OF PARTICULAR NOTE:
Looking for Comedy In The Muslim World, Final Destination 3 (especially that scene with the roller coaster), Night Watch (in my top ten from last year), Winter Passing, Running Scared, Unknown White Male, 16 Blocks, The Hills Have Eyes, Find Me Guilty, Thank You For Smoking (Aaron Eckhart for Best Actor should, but won't happen), Inside Man, Lonesome Jim, Brick, The Devil and Daniel Johnston, Benchwarmers, Lucky Number Slevin, Friends With Money, The Notorious Bettie Page, American Dreamz, Silent Hill (I don't know what happened in this flick, but damn did it look cool), Mission Impossible 3 (Shaun is in it, and helps save the day), The Break Up, District B13, Gamers, 3 Fast 3 Furious, The Lake House (Eff you, I like it), Strangers With Candy, A Scanner Darkly (also on my top ten from last year), Miami Vice, Beerfest, Crank, Feast, The Illusionist (except for the last ten minutes I hated), Jackass Number 2, Running With Scissors (the last scene is beautiful), Babel, Borat, Deja Vu, Curse of the Golden Flower.

THE BAD MOVIES OF 2006



1.Underworld: Evolution
I hate the Underworld movies. Hate them with a passion reserved for few. I hate them so much because I want them to be good. And they are far from good. They have many chances to be good, but rarely does it follow through. For shame. I wanted to walk out of this movie. I wanted to so much, I think I convinced myself I actually did so that I wouldn't remember watching the rest of the movie. It's nice to have these things. This movie angers me.

2. Ultraviolet
Here's a fun little story for you. I couldn't wait to see this movie. It was the follow up to Equilibrium, which kicks unholy amounts of ass. The previews were awesome, hinting at a crazy future world full of ninjas and fighting and all sorts of badass things. Then I see the movie and it's bad. Real bad. But I fall asleep and can't judge properly, but the one person who didn't fall asleep said it made no sense either. So months later, in a move so incomprehensible NASA couldn't explain it, I decided to rent it again. And I'll be damned, I fell asleep in the same exact spot. Not a good movie. Just a complete mess. But the music is pretty good, providing a saving grace, along with a pretty cool sword fight.



3. Date Movie
I saw Scary Movie 4, and I was amazed at the lengths to which they tried to tie in all the various movie spoofs. It was a stretch, but it for the most part worked. Date Movie, however, doesn't fare as well. This movie is pretty terrible. It's just movie parody after parody, with no unifying link, or anything remotely funny about them. Just a bad movie.

4. Apocalypto
This movie baffles me. On a technical level, it's an impressive film. Especially the last 20-25 minutes. But the rest of the movie makes me want to declare shenanigans. It's ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous. It's like Randall's description of the Lord of the Rings in Clerks 2. Just walking. And more walking. And nonsense. And then, just in case there wasn't enough violence in the film, there's a monkey fight. Seriously. A monkey fight. And that's far from the dumbest thing in this movie.

5. Accepted
This, in no way, shape, or form, has anything to do with the fact that I co-wrote a college comedy that I think is light years beyond funnier than anything in this movie. However, there isn't a lot about this movie that IS funny. And there isn't anything that is good in it either. Except my buddy Ryan, who was an extra in it. But I don't think his scene is even in the movie. Another reason to not like this movie.



6. Saw III
Mainly on here for disappointment level. There are a few really creepy things going on, and a scene that almost made me vomit. Literally. In the theater. It was unbelievable. But it just felt like a dare to up the ante of grotesque torture porn movies that will be topped by Hostel 2 next year. This one just wasn't worthy of the Saw series thus far, and it contains the worst performance of the year in Angus Macfayden.

7. Phat Girlz
Another disappointing movie, made more painful because I had low expectations to begin with. There are moments of wit and flair in this movie that I kind of enjoyed, if you can believe it. But then it's saddled with a horribly cliched script. Really bad. And anything that was fresh and original gets lost in a sea of formula. On top of which, it was not a well shot film at all, and it looked horrible.

8. The Wild
There were a lot of talking animal movies this year. I didn't see a lot of them. this one I wound up seeing, and it was so damn boring. It was an unfunny Madagascar. I didn't pay to see it, and I still kinda wish I got my money back.

9. Basic Instinct 2
Both my roommate and I watched this movie and fell asleep. I tried to finish it the next day, and I fell asleep again. When I finally made it through the whole movie, I was so angry at myself for having dedicated all that time to actually watching it that I busted out a sock full of change and began wildly swinging it about. Sure, the security deposit was heavily poached to cover the damage, but it was worth it.



10. Lady In The Water
I know it's trendy to hate this movie. And I don't actually hate this movie. It's just tragically misguided. And having read that book about Shyamalan's making of the flick, I understand what he was trying to do. But he still makes a lot of bad choices, and he needed more people to say no to him and challenge him into making a coherent movie. On a technical level, it's quite good, but from a story and ego induced perspective, this beats a Uwe Boll movie and DaVinci Code off the ten worst I saw this year.

Although The DaVinci Code is pretty bad. There are some really dumb things in that movie. Like expressing the idea of Tom Hanks' claustrophobia. However, I will commend the fact that the movie looked EXACTLY like it did in my head as I read the book. In fact, it's the most slavishly dedicated book to movie adaptation I've seen. However, since I hated the book, that doesn't bode well for the movie.

OTHER BAD MOVIES I ACTUALLY BOTHERED REMEMBERING:
Bloodrayne, Dirty, Annapolis, Stay Alive, The House At The End Of The Drive (Even though the story of HOW I saw it was supremely entertaining), 13 Tzamati (only because the premise, is so cool, and it takes SO LONG to get to the premise and have 15 minutes of cool stuff), The DaVinci Code.

MOVIES SO BAD THE TRAILERS ANGERED ME TO NOT EVEN BOTHER SEEING THE MOVIE:
Deck The Halls, Little Man

THE TRULY MEH MOVIES OF 2006:


Hostel, Art School Confidential, X-Men The Last Stand, Beowulf and Grendel, Superman Returns, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (except when Bill Nighy is on screen, then the movie kicks ass), Talladega Nights, The Last Kiss (BRAFF!!!!!!)




IN A CATEGORY ALL THEIR OWN:
Snakes on a Plane, What Is It?

Both these films are required to see with an audience. Snakes because it's so bad that it can only be viewed with alcohol and large groups of people. What Is It because that's the only way you'll ever get to see it. Both are mind blowingly bizarre, but I don't regret seeing them.


FLICKS I DIDN'T GET TO SEE YET THAT I WANT TO, BUT ARE THEREFORE NOT INCLUDED IN MY LISTS:
United 93, World Trade Center (Both because I'm just not ready to see these flicks yet, even though I hear United 93 is an excellent film), The Puffy Chair, Poseidon, A Prairie Home Companion, Nacho Libre, Click, Monster House, The Descent (I need to see it, but I know folks who don't scare easily who say this movie freaked them the hell out), Half Nelson, Tideland, the Queen, The Marine, Marie Antoinette, The Groomsmen, Volver, Perfume, Notes On A Scandal, Rocky Balboa, Cocaine Cowboys, We Are Marshall, Flags of Our Fathers, Letters From Iwo Jima, Flushed Away, Harsh Times (My friend Nate speaks highly of this film, but he also liked Apocalypto), Come Early Morning, Let's Go To Prison (I refuse to believe this movie is unfunny. There's no way it can't), After Dark Horror Fest, Fast Food Nation, Bobby, For Your Consideration, The Aura, Blood Diamond, Inland Empire, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Good German, The Good Shepherd, The Good German Shepherd, Dreamgirls (I'll get to it eventually), The Holiday.


Here's hoping 2007 produces some great flicks. I have high hopes for many. I'll probably post them all up soon. I did it last year, and I had fun doing it. Especially to see how many movies I was excited for that turned out bad.