Thursday, April 30, 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

How am I not aware of this movie until today?!?!?

It has everything I love about movies, all rolled into one tidy package!
Double-you, tee eff, man?

There's just so much going on here that it blows my monkey-fightin' mind! Oldman AND McConaughey! As brothers!!!

And did you see the rest of the family? This movie is second only to Rambo as far as perfection of cinema is concerned!

I'm disappointed in myself for not being aware of this motion picture. My co-workers are even more disappointed that I wasn't aware of this film. Rest assured, however, it's forced it's way to the top of my Netflix queue (past Surfer, Dude, even!) and I spent the rest of the day having what I like to refer to as a "McConaugh-day", which involves me speaking like him all day long.

(I can't wait until his new shitty movie comes out. I plan on going to a showing and doing a running commentary, in character, about what it must have been like to make this movie. It's gonna be fantastic).*

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Box Office Report: In Memorium

Dude here again. I'm really depressed about the passing of Bea Arthur. I know it sounds silly, but it' true. She was more than just a golden girl, she was Maude! But she was Bea Arthur. She was lovely and fantastic.

Thank you Bea Arthur. Thank you for being a friend.

This weekend, Beyonce stars in a Fatal Attraction rip-off... excuse me, I mean re-imagining. Plus a movie called Fighting, which is probably just what I thought it would be. Because it's called Fighting. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Obsessed (ScrGm) - $28.5, 2514 screens, week 1, $28.5 total

2. 17 Again (WB) - $11.6, 3255 screens, week 2, $39.9 total

3. Fighting (Rog) $11.4, 2309 screens, week 1, $11.4 total

4. The Soloist (Par/DW)- $9.7, 2024 screens, week 1, $9.7 total

5. Earth (BV)- $8.55, 1804 screens, week 1, $14.2 total (Wed open)

6. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Par/DW) - $8.52, 3358 screens, week 5, $174.8 total

7. State of Play (Uni)- $6.8, 2807 screens, week 2, $25.1 total

8. Hannah Montana The Movie (BV) - $6.3, 3231 screens, week 3, $65.5 total

9. Fast and Furious (Uni)- $6.0, 3566 screens, week 4, $145.2 total

10. Crank: High Voltage (LGF) - $2.4, 2223 screens, week 2, $11.5 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means... No. I'm too bummed to continue this. Give a moment, and thank Bea Arthur for all the laughter and joy (or fear) she's brought you through the years.

There you have my amazingly depressing break down. Next week, SummerMovieXXXplosion(TM) kick off with both Wolverine AND a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy. Things are looking up. Even if Bea Arthur is gone.

Until next weekend.......

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Oh, and Crank: High Voltage?

Quite possibly best movie of the year. AT the very least, it's the most surprising film of the year, being that you'll have no idea what they're going to do next.

It's exactly like the first movie, but with more tits. Whereas seeing the original Crank made you feel like you were at a sleazy strip club, this movie makes that metaphoric strip club feel like a church in comparison.

So really, you should stop reading this and go see Crank 2 and prepare to have your face melted off. And if you have a young child, make sure you bring them along.

Teach them right!

(That was totally directed towards T-Bone's son).

Happy Earth Day, Earth

I've been delayed on my Dolph-Fest write up. Thank the Megastorm for that. In the meantime, enjoy this and celebrate Earth!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Box Office Report Again

Dude here again. I'm a little wiped out. Last night I attended the Dolph Lundgren Film Festival. As a child, I could only dream of such things. And until last night, it remained a dream. And then, well kids, it's fair to say that every once in awhile, a dream can come true. Suffice it to say, my butt hurts from how much ass the event kicked.

And it has nothing to do with the uncomfortable seats in the theater I was in for 10 hours.

This weekend, The fast and the furious have moved on, and Jason Statham tries his turn. And some kid named Zac Efron gets to star in a movie. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. 17 Again (WB) - $24.0, 3255 screens, week 1, $24.0 total

2. State of Play (Uni)- $14.0, 2803 screens, week 1, $14.0 total

3. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Par/DW) - $12.9, 3662 screens, week 4, $162.7 total

4. Hannah Montana The Movie (BV) - $12.6, 3118 screens, week 2, $56.1 total

5. Fast and Furious (Uni)- $12.2, 3674 screens, week 3, $136.7 total

6. Crank: High Voltage (LGF) - $6.5, 2223 screens, week 1, $6.5 total

7. Observe and Report (WB) - $4.0, 2727 screens, week 2, $18.6 total

8. Knowing (Sum) $4.0, 2405 screens, week 5, $73.6 total

9. I Love You, Man (Par/DW)- $3.3, 2202 screens, week 5, $64.6 total

10. The Haunting in Connecticut (LGF)- $3.1, 2255 screens, week 4, $51.9 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means Zac Efron is the 2009 LeBouf! Look for him to appear in a live action GoBots movie next summer. Mark my words. But 17 Again took the top spot this weekend. In an unrelated note, this film is NOT a prequel to the George Burns/Charlie Schlatter vehicle from 1988, where the two leads switch bodies. That was a big trend in movies for awhile back in the late 1980s. Does this Efron mean that we'll have more of those movies again?

State of Play, starring Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck of all people, took in a respectable $14 million. This is remarkable for two reasons: it signals the waning decline of smart thrillers, and it provides reporters with another excuse to bring up that time Russell Crowe was angry and threw a phone at a dude's head. (See how I slyly did it? That's why I get paid the big bucks, people).

Sadly, Crank: High Voltage failed to spark any wattage with audiences, taking in about half the previous installment's opening weekend bow. (I feel shame). My friend Omar was compelled to text me from the middle of the movie, though, and he wrote thusly: "Watching Crank 2. This is one of the craziest movies I have ever seen!" So, obviously, I needed to spread the word around to check it out. Because Omar LOVED the original Crank. I had a lot of texts from him while he was watching that. If I'm not mistaken, one said "Praise God for bestowing us a motion picture like Crank!". True story.

What the hell is going on with Knowing? How did it make over $70 million? What bizarre Nic Cage-iverse am I living in? And why isn't Dolph Lundgren in any of these movies in the top ten?!?!?

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, the calm before the storm of SummerMovieXXXplosion(TM)!! Although with the numbers all year, are the weekend numbers going to a surprise to anybody? I predict not.

Until next weekend.......

Friday, April 17, 2009

It's Friday. You ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do...

So watch these fun videos I'm posting!

They mostly involve Aliens versing Predator.

Actually, they're all about that.

Okay, so in honor of Jason Statham, whose Crank: High Voltage opens today, which I am disappointed in myself for not going to the midnight show last night (what can I say, I'm too old for this shit, Riggs)*, here is the only way you can make Jason Statham's Death Race even more AWESOME. It sort of gives away cool moments of the film, if you haven't already seen the flick yet.

That's what I got.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Box Office Report: Easter Weekend

Dude here again. This weekend is feeling a little less fast and furious than last week. It was just a passing trend, like snap bracelets or my engagement. But this week there promises to be something that, while not quite either fast or furious, could be seen as infuriating. Particularly if you have children who love Disney channel. Not my kids, though. Because I don't have any kids.

That are in this country.

This weekend, The not really (but apparently so) anticipated motion picture debut of Hannah Montana opened up against a movie everybody dismissed as Paul Blart 2. On Easter weekend, no less. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Hannah Montana The Movie (BV) - $34.0, 3118 screens, week 1, $34.0 total

2. Fast and Furious (Uni)- $28.7, 3472 screens, week 2, $118.0 total

3. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Par/DW) - $22.6, 4136 screens, week 3, $141.0 total

4. Observe and Report (WB) - $11.1, 2727 screens, week 1, $11.1 total

5. Knowing (Sum) $6.6, 2925 screens, week 4, $68.0 total

6. I Love You, Man (Par/DW)- $6.4, 2643 screens, week 4, $58.9 total

7. The Haunting in Connecticut (LGF)- $5.7, 2721 screens, week 3, $46.2 total

8. Dragonball Evolution (Fox) - $4.6, 2181 screens, week 1, $4.6 total

9. Adventureland (Mir) - $3.4, 1876 screens, week 2, $11.4 total

10. Duplicity (Uni)- $2.9, 1965 screens, week 4, $36.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Miley Cyrus can pack in the kids. This time, doing a fictional narrative as opposed to her 3-D concert event from last year, Hannah Montana made a tidy profit. Far much better than her Jonas Brothers peers from a few weeks ago. (Remember that movie? No? Strange...) The G-rating probably helped attract whole families who didn't really want to go see it in the first place, but had to shut up the screaming tween girl in their presence.

Observe and Report, the dark side of mall cop obsession with Seth Rogen as one of the more unlikable characters this side of Fred Simmons, took the fourth spot. Honestly, having seen this movie, I'm impressed it did that well. The movie is dark and twisted and far from everybody's cup of tea. Naturally, I loved it.

Fast and Furious suffered an almost 60% drop in it's second weekend, but that's still not enough to quell talks of a fifth (5!) Fast and Furious movie, which will now simply be referred to as Fasturious.

And this week, Fox once again tries to wipe egg off its face with the pathetic release of Dragonball Evolution. After this, 12 Rounds, and Street Fighter, not to mention the interweb release of Wolverine a month early, Fox isn't looking too good these days. Yeah, that Watchmen lawsuit probably didn't pay off as well as they were hoping either, as Watchmen proved to not be the huge hit everyone thought it would be.

But Watchmen does rock. Despite the fact I read somewhere that someone shot themselves in the head and killed themselves during a showing of it.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, the only sequel to a movie I've ever wanted: Crank 2. something else comes out, too, but who cares?

Until next weekend.......

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

If you live in LA, check this out this week.

If you live out of LA, also check it out when it comes your way. I'll get into it a bit more detail later, but you should check out Skills Like This. It's a fun, funny movie that makes you smile. In a good way.

Not in a creepy uncle kinda way.

Again, I'll get into it more later, but you have to check it out this week in LA if you're gonna check it out. But most certainly seek this flick out when it comes around to you. All info is at the website, which you can click on the title above or you can click here.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

12 Rounds

12 Rounds of bullshit nonsense.

Have you said to yourself recently "Man, I wish I could see a movie that's the inbred retarded offspring of Speed and Die Hard 3. Starring a giant tree trunk of a man with absolutely no charisma."?

If you answered yes, 12 Rounds is the movie for you. I never stopped smiling at how stupid it was. Bearing that in mind, this films is several shades of stupid. Borderline retarded.

Just look at this poster

Look at how much they're trying to make John Cena look like Keanu in Speed. But this movie isn't Speed. !2 Rounds is the Crystal Pepsi to Speed's original formula RC.

I liked John Cena's previous movie The Marine. It had a lot of fireballs chasing people in slow motion, and it had some truly bizarre touches like the bit about the criminal who hates rock candy. The Marine felt like if it came out in the late 80s with Van Damme as it's star. It's craptastic fun. 12 Rounds, not so much fun as much as it's crap.

And if you are to believe this movie, New Orleans has the absolute worst drivers in the country. They're always running red lights or blowing past inteersections willy nilly at high speeds. Seriously. EVERY INTERSECTION.

Man, this movie is stupid.

Box Office Fast, Report Furious

Dude here again. I'm feeling a little fast and furious this weekend. I don't know if I'm 2 fast or 2 furious. That might be stretching things a little bit. But tomorrow morning, when the cute girl in the coffee shop asks how my weekend was, I can say with all certainty that my weekend was indeed both fast AND furious. Of course, I'll probably just mumble those words and run away, like I do every time I talk to a pretty lady.

I have confidence issues.

This weekend, it's like summer all over again, as another wide release dominates all others. How long will this trend continue? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates. The actuals will be available on Monday).

1. Fast and Furious (Uni)- $72.5, 3461 screens, week 1, $72.5 total

2. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Par/DW) - $33.5, 4109 screens, week 2, $105.7 total

3. The Haunting in Connecticut (LGF)- $9.5, 2732 screens, week 2, $37.2 total

4. Knowing (Sum) $8.1, 3323 screens, week 3, $58.2 total

5. I Love You, Man (Par/DW)- $7.8, 2829 screens, week 3, $49.2 total

6. Adventureland (Mir) - $6.0, 1862 screens, week 1, $6.0 total

7. Duplicity (Uni)- $4.3, 2522 screens, week 3, $32.3 total

8. Race to Witch Mountain (BV) - $3.3, 2825 screens, week 4, $58.3 total

9. 12 Rounds (Fox) - $2.3, 2331 screens, week 2, $9.0 total

10. Sunshine Cleaning (Over) - $1.8, 479 screens, week 4, $4.7 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that by losing every instance of "The" in the title, Fast and Furious wildly exceeded expectations and had the biggest April opening OF ALL TIME! It also prompted millions of impressionable jackasses to imitate the actions of the film in their Hyundais in movie theatre parking lots across the country. By moving from a summer position to the beginning of April, this gamble paid off. Expect more records to be broken next week when Fast and Furious suffers a wide percentage drop.

The only other new wide release this weekend, Adventureland, did not fare nearly as well, as Fast and Furious made twelve times as much money. Far cry from Superbad, the last film from the director of this film.

Monsters V Aliens racked up some more coin, prompting the makers of the film Outlander to change their name to far friendlier title "Vikings Vs. Aliens" in an attempt to snare confused moviegoers.

And this week we bid a fond farewell to a mainstay over thee past 9 weeks. I speak of Liam Neeson's Taken. Show your respect and bow down before Neeson.

There you have my amazing break down. Next week, fewer records will be broken. Why? Because we live in a world that's fast AND furious, baby.

Until next weekend.......