Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lost-Speak 1-31-08

Did you all* catch Lost this evening? (Thursday evening if you're reading this on a day that isn't the 31st). I caught it. I liked it. I like how they're utilizing the flashbacks. I really wish the writer's strike was taken care of so that we can see what's beyond these upcoming 8 episodes.

I don't know who to trust anymore. And who are the 6? so many questions. Comments? (Spoilers allowed in the comments.)

*By all, I mean Tim and Brady, because they're the only ones I know who read the blog and watch Lost. But anyone is welcome to join in the discussion.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

You ever wonder...

What Star Wars might be like if they replaced Darth Vader's dialogue with James Earl Jones' dialogue from Coming To America?

I think it might look something.... like this - Watch more free videos

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The easiest review of Rambo that can possibly exist and tell you everything you need to know about it



Box Office Report: Meet The Disappointment of Humanity

Dude here again. With an informative, completely unbiased view of the weekend box office numbers that will be heavily disputed. My report is not influenced in any way whatsoever by my opinions of the content provided. I swear.

This weekend, a stupid, laugh-less comedy narrowly edged out the greatest action movie of the year in a low scoring winning. And below the top spot, several other releases have very close calls. Some of which are decent movies, others are pandering crap. Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. Meet The Spartans (Fox) - $18.7, 2605 screens, week 1, $18.7 total

2. Rambo (LGF) - $18.1, 2751 screens, week 1, $18.1 total

3. 27 Dresses (Fox) - $13.6, 3074 screens, week 2, $45.3 total

4. Cloverfield (Par) - $12.7, 3411 screens, week 2, $64.2 total

5. Untraceable (ScrGms) - $11.2, 2368 screens, week 1, $11.2 total

6. Juno (FoxS) - $10.3, 2426 screens, week 8, $100.1 total

7. The Bucket List (WB) - $10.2, 2915 screens, week 5, $57.6 total

8. There WIll Be Blood (Par V) - $4.8, 885 screens, week 5, $14.7 total

9. National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (BV)- $4.66, 2154 screens, week 6, $204.1 total

10. Mad Money (Over)- $4.61, 2470 screens, week 2, $15.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? You remember that shame I brought down upon the Earth for letting Alvin and The Chipmunks make over $200 million? That's nothing compared to the shame sandwich I'm gonna force down your gullets for actually allowing Meet The Spartans to make money. What is wrong with you? How does a transformer, showing up in Sparta, playing the "Leave Britney Alone" guy on itself equate to comedy? How can you just willingly accept that as comedy? To the tune of $18 million,no less!??!?

And Rambo was denied a perfectly acceptable number one opening victory. Possibly. It's probable all these estimates are a bit off and positions could change. Along those lines, Juno and The Bucket List are awfully close. Same with National Treasure and Mad Money. Which means that around $9 million worth of people hadn't seen National Treasure or Mad Money, but really needed to this weekend. If shame were rain...

On the plus side, the Academy Award nominations gave significant boosts to all of the Best Picture nominees, including an appearance on the top ten of There Will Be Blood. The next few weeks should increase all the films' tallies.

Oh, Untraceable opened up respectably, but it looks pretty dumb. Cloverfield, which I thought was also pretty dumb, dropped 68% from last week, questioning the legs of the film. And How She Move, some movie about dancing or possibly about moving, opened up in in the #12 spot with just under $4 million.

Below the radar, U2 3D opened up on 61 screens and took in $961,000. I presume that's a movie about U@, and it's in 3-D. It could also be about R2D2's cousin, and I think that would be the movie I prefer. Also opening this week, 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days, a Romanian film about abortion that many were outraged was shafted from the Academy Awards' Best Foreign Picture award, opened up on 2 screens and took in $48,000.

And in the "Because It's There" series: Beowulf took in took in $98,000 on 214 screens, bringing it's grand total to $82,159,000 in 11 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week Jessica Alba plays blind. And that will probably take a lot of money as well. But at least The Eye won't insult your intelligence.

Until next weekend....

Friday, January 25, 2008

Oh, Jessica Alba... at least we'll always have those fries.

So, I finally got to see The Eye, the latest magnum opus from Jessica Alba. Ms. Alba, as you may remember, briefly courted me. But I was too much man for her to take. I think she cried, and immediately ran off into the arms of some dude who knocked her up. (Sadly, disturbingly, not the first time it's happened).

Anyway, I saw it, but since I feel the need to keep the site I write for happy with exclusive contact, I'm merely going to link to the review.

The short version is, it's ass.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Something cheerful at least.

Bummed out about Heath Ledger's untimely passing?

Here's something to turn your chin up.

It's from Godzilla: Final Wars. It's Godzilla fighting the CG Roland Emmerich version of Godzilla. And it's amazing.

(If you happen to have access to Motorhead's "Ace Of Spades", I'd recommend playing that over the image. There's no Dark Side/Oz- type line up. It's just a badass song, is all.)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

RIP- Heath Ledger

Sadly, this puts an indefinite moratorium on "I wish I knew how to quit you" jokes. Truly sad, and yet, one more reason why Hollywood stars should just stick to reefer. Because no one ODs on pot.

They just become Chong.

In all seriousness, this is kind of sad news, and it's going to cast the eeriest of pallor over The Dark Knight this summer. (Though, I still can't wait).

The Academy Award Nominations were announced today.

And just so we're all clear, Once received only one nomination while Transformers received three.


UPDATED: Fuckin'NORBIT received an academy award nomination, which is one more than Zodiac. And even though I didn't think Zodiac was the end all be all of movies (unlike most folks) there's still something seriously wrong with that.

Monday, January 21, 2008


Cloverfield is NOT the end-all-be-all of movies. Nor is it the reinvention of cinema. It's a mildly entertaining monster picture, told from a fresh perspective that, while not building a better mousetrap, sets up an interesting concept that has me extremely hopeful for a better take on the subject.

The story is pretty self explanatory: There's a guy named Rob who has a crush on his best lady friend Beth. They sleep together one day, but then Rob screws it up and a month later he's leaving for Japan to take a job. At his going away party, Beth shows up with some tool, and sets Rob off, bringing to the table his true feelings for Beth, who can't handle this with Rob leaving for Japan, so she leaves the party in Downtown SoHo and makes it up to Central Park West in about 20 minutes. Oh, then a monster attacks the city.

See what I did there? I spent a lot of needless time on characters that you don't really give a crap about, because they're all yuppie douche nozzles. Drunk, yuppie douche nozzles, to be precise.

You know that guy at your office (or perhaps he's a friend of a friend) who's an asshole, but he knows he's an asshole and takes every opportunity to defuse the situation by declaring himself an asshole, as if that somehow excuses his assholic tendencies? Imagine a movie populated with nothing but him and his friends, and that's what the characters in Cloverfield are like. And there's twenty minutes of this! I swear to Odin I wanted to choke everyone with their MySpace page after the fifteen minute mark.

The only person I liked was Marlena, who was played by the funky chick in Mean Girls that the IMDB has helpfully informed me is named Lizzy Caplan. She's my kinda lady. She's also just at this party to stop by and say hi, then get to her real friends, which makes me think she's got more going on in her life. And the camera man has a crush on her, so he's filming her a lot. (To good comedic effect, actually). But that wasn't enough.

So, anyway, this monster appears and takes out the head of the statue of liberty and takes down a building outside where the party is happening. A large cloud of dust and smoke chases bystanders up the street, instantly declaring the monster a metaphor for 9/11. (Which is a good idea, being that Godzilla was created as a metaphor for Hiroshima and Nagasaki). Then it attacks the Brooklyn Bridge, where people are attempting to mass evacuate the city. And some parasitic lice fall off the creature and start making things difficult for everybody. And that was very cool. Then it's back to running away. Very shaky-cam running, which if you're too close to the screen, will make you nauseous.

It's not like Cloverfield is a bad movie. Far from it. It just makes some interesting choices that don't work. But, it makes even more interesting choices that DO work. I like that you get no explanation whatsoever as to the history of this creature, almost as if it were willed from the collective subconscious of NYC. I like that you only see the monster from vantage points that don't give it a clear view. Hell, I think you even see the monster too much, but that's okay.

But then there's the negatives of the movie, weighing down on my mind and making me dislike the film more and more. And that's overlooking the logic problems presented, such as where did this magic camera with unlimited battery power and the ability to survive explosions come from? Or how do they make it walking in the subway tunnels over 60 blocks in less than 2 hours? And, when they are in the darkened subway tunnels, how come the CHUDs don't attack? These minor quibbles irritate me far more than the "Where did the monster come from?" ever could begin to imagine.

I respect what the filmmakers of Cloverfield are trying to do, showing the very real emotional situation of getting to the ones you love in times of great chaos, and doing it on this very personal level. I'd just rather they chose more interesting people to tell this tale. And that is why if they make a sequel, I will definitely buy a ticket, because there are more tales to be told of this mystery creature. Even if they aren't CHUDs.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Box Office Report: Cloverfield Strikes! Star Wars... weeps

Dude here again. What I'm about to report takes a strong constitution. It's not something that I take lightly, as this is indeed a sad day about the state of modern cinema. With that in mind, I present to you this week's box office report. Well, the weekend, not the 3-day holiday tally. Because even though I have the day off, I don't want to do this thing twice. (It's a miracle it even gets done the first time).

This weekend, the result of a six month viral marketing campaign pays off to big numbers. How big? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. Cloverfield (Par) - $41.0, 3411 screens, week 1, $41.0 total

2. 27 Dresses (Fox) - $22.4, 3057 screens, week 1, $22.4 total

3. The Bucket List (WB) - $15.1, 2915 screens, week 4, $42.7 total

4. Juno (FoxS) - $10.2, 2534 screens, week 7, $85.3 total

5. National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (BV)- $8.1, 2963 screens, week 5, $198.0 total

6. First Sunday (ScrGms) - $7.8, 2213 screens, week 2, $28.4 total

7. Mad Money (Over)- $7.7, 2470 screens, week 1, $7.7 total

8. Alvin and the Chipmunks (Fox) - $7.0, 2962 screens, week 6, $196.3 total

9. I Am Legend (WB) - $5.1, 2525 screens, week 6, $247.6 total

10. Atonement (Focus) - $4.7, 1291 screens, week 7, $31.8 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that Cloverfield took in a great amount of money. (Curiously, though, not as much as Alvin and the Chipmunks in their opening weekend). What does a movie that makes $41 million in January do? It overtakes the top spot on highest January opening of all time. And what was the previous title holder for that distinction? Star Wars. (Granted, the Special Edition, but still). So while people are happy that the movie did so well (those able to watch the film without motion sickness), as a lifelong Star Wars dork, this news is terribly upsetting. Sigh.

Speaking of terribly upsetting, 27 Dresses took in $22 million, which is almost a million dollars a dress. And Mad Money tried to open, but that just wasn't in the cards. This was a weekend about giant monsters attacking.

Below the radar, Cassandra's Dream, the latest film from Woody Allen opened up on around a hundred screens and took in just over half a million dollars. ($501,000, to be precise). Not bad, but not very good either. Then again, Woody Allen isn't always about bringing in the Cloverfield numbers. Not this time anyway. And some movie called Blonde and Blonder opened up on 14 screens, and took in $26,500 total. Do with that what you will.

And in the "Because It's There" series: No Country For Old Men took in took in $1,351,000 on 818 screens, bringing it's grand total to $48,730,000 in 11 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week brings Rambo. Thank goodness for that.

Until next weekend....

Monday, January 14, 2008

I've been neglecting a shout out...

To friend of the blog Mike Shannon.

He's gone and made something I like. It's called Carbonated Pop Icons. It's pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. But go don't take my word for it.

Go check it out for yourself.

Then check out Part II, which was just made readily available!!

I think there's also places where you can vote for it's bossomeness. I'm not sure where, butI bet if Mike reads this, he will be quick to inform.

Box Office Report: 1-13-08

Dude here again. Taking a break from a long day of online Scrabble play, just so I can report the numbers your way. You see? You see the sacrifice I make? I do it out of love. (Love, which coincidentally garnered me 7 points on the scrabble board).

This weekend, we had numerous films open. Did any knock off tri-week champion National Treasure? Did Juno win over the entire movie going audience? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. The Bucket List (WB) - $19.5, 2911 screens, week 3, $20.9 total

2. First Sunday (ScrGms) - $19.0, 2213 screens, week 1, $19.0 total

3. Juno (FoxS) - $14.0, 2448 screens, week 6, $71.2 total

4. National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (BV)- $11.4, 3377 screens, week 4, $187.2 total

5. Alvin and the Chipmunks (Fox) - $9.1, 3384 screens, week 5, $187.7 total

6. I Am Legend (WB) - $8.1, 3353 screens, week 5, $240.2 total

7. One Missed Call (WB)- $6.1, 2240 screens, week 2, $20.6 total

8. P.S. I Love You (WB) - $5.0, 2323 screens, week 4, $47.0 total

9. The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (Uni) - $4.4, 1337 screens, week 1, $4.4 total

10. Atonement (Focus) - $4.3, 950 screens, week 6, $25.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that almost the same amount of people opted for The Bucket List and First Sunday. In fact, when the numbers are revealed, there could be a switch in the positions. But I won't change this article, because, quite frankly, there's Scrabble to play. Still, $19 million opening for both films is simultaneously impressive and disturbing.

Juno was expected to be the big winner of the weekend, too, which is strange. Luckily for my apathy, I didn't have to change the position in the rankings this week for it! Go me!

A movie about a bunch of animated vegetables pretending to be pirates, who apparently don't do anything, came in ninth place, which is really sad. Any movie that boasts talking produce AND piracy is alright in my book, and deserves to make chipmunk dollars. That movie took in another disheartening amount of money this weekend, and might surpass National Treasure in the final tally. I can't really find enough variations of the phrase "For Shame" to express my sentiments about this revelation.

Below the radar, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale opened up, much to the chagrin of marquee changing teens across the land. The latest from Uwe Boll (although, not technically the latest, as the film is 2 years old, and he's somehow made 3 more movies since) finally opened up. Sadly, it opened on 1631 screens, and barely took over $3 million dollars. While that is more than Bloodrayne took in it's entire theatrical run, it's apparent that Boll is far from House of the Dead-type numbers. This does not bode well for Postal, a halfway intelligible offering from the "Master of How?".

(It should be noted that I coined the term "Master of how?", and should it catch on, I want royalties).

And in the "Because It's There" series: Alvin and the Chipmunks took in took in $9,100,000 on 3384 screens, bringing it's grand total to $187,740,000 in 5 weeks. Just need to keep pointing that out.

There you have my break down. Next week brings a giant monster, as well as a movie with the girl from Knocked Up and the doctor show, who my friend prank called many many years ago. True story. She didn't know it was a prank call. Then three years later, she shows up in Under Siege 2. Coincidence? I think not.

Until next weekend....

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Box Office Report: First of the new year (but same crappy movies)

Dude here again. Coming at you with a whole new year's worth of box office numbers. It's 2008, and even though there is a supreme lack of flying cars and robot manservants, it's still pretty okay. Besides, with the amount of jerks who can't drive (especially in LA), flying cars are probably not the best idea in the world, anyway.

This weekend, we had one new movie open. A lot of smaller, award caliber films expanded their screen counts, but really, only one movie opened to set the new year off right. Did it succeed? Let's go to the numbers, shall we? (All in millions, remember, and these are the studio estimates, the actuals will be available on Monday. Just to prove me wrong).

1. National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (BV)- $20.2, 3762 screens, week 3, $171.0 total

2. I Am Legend (WB) - $16.3, 3648 screens, week 4, $228.6 total

3. Juno (FoxS) - $16.2, 1925 screens, week 5, $52.0 total

4. Alvin and the Chipmunks (Fox) - $16.0, 3462 screens, week 4, $176.7 total

5. One Missed Call (WB)- $13.5, 2240 screens, week 1, $13.5 total

6. Charlie WIlson's War (Uni) - $8.1, 2594 screens, week 3, $52.6 total

7. P.S. I Love You (WB) - $8.0, 2471 screens, week 3, $39.3 total

8. The Waterhorse (Sony) - $6.3, 2777 screens, week 2, $30.8 total

9. Sweeney Todd (Par/DW) - $5.4, 1249 screens, week 3, $38.4 total

10. Atonement (Focus) - $5.1, 583 screens, week 5, $19.2 total

So those are the numbers, but what do they mean? Well, it means that National Treasure has taken the top spot for 3 weeks in a row, just like the previous film did, and Book of secrets seems to be even more profitable, which means we can definitely anticipate a third chapter in the series, involving Nicolas Cage discovering something amazing from America's past that nobody really cares about so long as there's a glowing treasure at the end of it.

The next three spots there, I Am Legend, Juno and Alvin, seem to be caught in a three way tie, that I imagine some studio number crushers (unaffected by the recent strike) will suddenly discover that their movie made more than the other two. And it will probably be that damn chipmunk movie, because the universe likes to torture me.

The new movie that was released, One Missed Call, yet another entry in the "Let's remake every Japanese ghost movie from the past ten years, but make them really bland and forgettable so that it only does a week's worth of decent business." With a power lead like Ed Burns, who could have missed this flick? All I know is the preview was really annoying. And yet, it stilled pulled in $13 million dollars. Sometimes, even I get surprised by these things.

Below the radar, There Will Be Blood, added 49 more screens to take $1,337,000, a whopping 601%increase over last weekend. It once again contains the highest per screen average of $26,215. Not bad at all, and that movie will only continue to grow, until the $20 million mark, where PT Anderson movies generally all end up. Just sayin...

And in the "Because It's There" series: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story took in $1,700,000 on 2041 screens, bringing it's grand total to $17,183,000 in 3 weeks.

There you have my break down. Next week brings a whole new host of movies begging for your hard earned dollars. All money better spent just giving it to me. Seriously, wouldn't you rather say "I gave money to the Dude" versus "I gave money to Alvin and the Chipmunks"? I think we all would prefer that.

Until next weekend....